60: Craggily Hand with D’Arcy Carden
In this episode of We're Here to Help, the hosts D'Arcy Carden and Jake Johnson offer advice for a listener who unexpectedly discovered explicit content involving her sister and brother-in-law on a dating app. They present strategies for tactfully addressing the uncomfortable situation while prioritizing the listener's well-being.
Additionally, the episode explores approaches to using dating apps, with comedian Gareth Reynolds sharing the "carpet bombing" technique he employs while touring, and a listener providing insights from her own experiences as a comedian using these platforms. The conversation navigates the complexities of modern digital interactions and relationships.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 11, 2024 episode of the We're Here to Help
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1-Page Summary
The Listener's Unexpected Discovery on a Swingers App
A listener named Jess found her sister and brother-in-law's profiles, complete with intimate photos, on a swingers dating app, according to the hosts. Jess and her partner confirmed the discovery, leaving Jess unsure how to proceed.
Advice for Handling the Situation
Jake Johnson and D'Arcy Carden advise Jess to have an honest yet tactful conversation with her sister and brother-in-law. As Jake suggests, Jess should let them know she saw their profiles and coordinate their activities to avoid awkward encounters, which D'Arcy terms creating a "spray calendar."
The hosts discourage more hostile actions like fake profiles or legal threats, instead recommending Jess prioritize her wellbeing and distance herself from the situation rather than trying to punish her family members.
Perspectives on Dating Apps
Gareth Reynolds shares how he and colleagues employ a "carpet bombing" strategy on apps like Tinder while touring for comedy shows, swiping right indiscriminately to maximize chances of meeting someone to invite to their performances. He acknowledges potential risks with this approach.
A listener reveals she and her husband are comedians themselves and praises one host's talents, encouraging others to attend his shows.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Touring for comedy shows involves comedians traveling to different locations to perform their acts in front of live audiences. This allows comedians to reach a broader audience, explore new markets, and build their fan base. Comedy tours often involve multiple performances in various cities or venues over a period of time, giving comedians the opportunity to showcase their material to diverse audiences. Comedy tours can be a significant part of a comedian's career, helping them gain exposure, refine their material, and connect with fans in different regions.
- In the context of dating apps like Tinder, the "carpet bombing" strategy involves swiping right on a large number of profiles without much consideration. This approach aims to increase the chances of finding a match but can lead to a higher number of connections with people who may not be compatible. The potential risks include wasting time on interactions that may not be fruitful, encountering inappropriate or dishonest individuals, and diluting the quality of genuine connections by focusing on quantity. It can also contribute to a superficial approach to dating, where meaningful connections may be overlooked in favor of a high volume of matches.
Counterarguments
- Jess's discovery of her sister and brother-in-law on a swingers app is a private matter, and some might argue that it's not her place to confront them about their personal sexual activities.
- While honest communication is generally advisable, it could be argued that Jess might not need to address the discovery directly if it doesn't affect her personally or if she believes it could harm her relationship with her sister.
- The concept of a "spray calendar" might be seen as overly invasive or unnecessary, as it implies a need to manage or control the other party's activities, which are within their rights to privacy.
- Advising Jess to distance herself from the situation could be seen as avoidance, and some might argue that it's better to work through uncomfortable family issues rather than distancing oneself.
- The "carpet bombing" strategy on dating apps, while practical for the purpose of meeting people, could be criticized for being impersonal and potentially leading to superficial interactions.
- Encouraging indiscriminate swiping on dating apps might be seen as contributing to a culture of objectification and lack of genuine connection.
- Praising a host's talents and encouraging show attendance could be viewed as a conflict of interest if the listener has a personal relationship with the host.
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The Listener's Personal Situation and Discovery of Her Sister and Brother-In-Law on a Swingers Dating App
In an unexpected turn of events, a listener named Jess and her partner came across the swingers dating app profiles of her close family members.
The listener and her partner discovered her sister and brother-in-law were using a swingers dating app
Jess's partner first spotted the profiles, complete with intimate photos, which took both of them by surprise. The profiles belonged to Jess's sister and brother-in-law, pejoratively referred to as "craggly hands." Jess verified the discovery herself, confirming the presence of her sister and brother-in-law on the platform.
The Listener Feels Conflicted about How to Handle the Discovery
Jess is faced with a dilemma on how to approach this delicate situation. Her natural aversion to confrontation leaves her hesitant to address the discovery directly with her sister and brother-in-law.
Considering How to Discreetly Address the Situation
Debating the best course of action, Jess is contemplating various strategies. She might drop subtle hints to let her siste ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Listener's Personal Situation and Discovery of Her Sister and Brother-In-Law on a Swingers Dating App
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Jess's discomfort stems from the shock of discovering her sister and brother-in-law's presence on a swingers dating app, a situation that challenges her perception of her family members. Her hesitation to address the discovery directly reflects her internal conflict between respecting their privacy and potentially disrupting family dynamics. The complexity of the situation is compounded by Jess's aversion to confrontation, which adds a layer of emotional difficulty to deciding how to handle the sensitive information. Jess's concerns about the potential repercussions of addressing the issue, such as awkward encounters at shared events, contribute to her overall discomfort and uncertainty about the best course of action.
- Jess is considering dropping subtle hints to her sister and brother-in-law about what she saw on the swingers dating app, or taking a more direct approach by publicly calling them out. These strategies represent different levels of confrontation and discretion in addressing the situation. Jess's discomfort with confrontation and the potential awkwardness of future interactions with her family members are key factors influencing her decision-making process. The complexity lies in balancing her desire to address the issue with her concerns about privacy and maintaining family relationship ...
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Advice and recommendations for how the listener should approach and handle the situation
Jake Johnson and D'Arcy Carden provide advice to a listener who has discovered her sister and brother-in-law on the same swinger app as herself and her partner.
The hosts advise the listener to take a straightforward but tactful approach
Jake and D'Arcy recommend a direct, yet sensitive, conversation with the sister and brother-in-law.
Directly communicate with her sister and brother-in-law about the discovery, establishing clear boundaries and expectations
Jake suggests that the listener, whom he calls Jess for anonymity, should talk openly with her sister, referred to as Rachel, and her brother-in-law, Ross. He advises Jess to let them know that she saw their profiles on the site and emphasizes the importance of coordinating their activities. This coordination is metaphorically termed as creating a "spray calendar," which essentially means planning to avoid attending the same swinger events or parties to prevent any awkward situations.
D'Arcy concurs, stressing the importance of honesty in the conversation and supports the idea of establishing a calendar to manage their respective social activities efficiently.
The hosts discourage the listener from taking more aggressive or retaliatory actions
Jake and D'Arcy counsel against taking hostile or vindictive measures, suggesting that such actions could have adverse effects or lead to an escalation of the situation.
Avoid creating fake prof ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Advice and recommendations for how the listener should approach and handle the situation
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Swinger events are gatherings where individuals or couples who are open to non-monogamous sexual relationships come together to socialize and potentially engage in consensual sexual activities with others. These events are often organized within the swinger community and provide a space for like-minded individuals to explore their sexuality in a safe and consensual environment. Participants typically establish boundaries and guidelines for interactions to ensure mutual respect and comfort among all involved.
- A "spray calendar" in this context metaphorically means planning to avoid attending the same swinger events or parties as the sister and brother-in-law to prevent any awkward situations. It is a way to coordinate social activities to ensure that everyone involved can engage in their lifestyle choices without causing discomfort or conflict. The term emphasizes the importance of communication and organization in managing shared interests within the swinger community. The hosts suggest using this approach to establish boundaries and expectations while maintaining a level of discretion and respect among family members.
- Cease and desist letters are formal notices sent to individuals or entities believed to be engaging in unlawful activities. These letters warn the recipient to stop the specified behavior or face potential legal action. They are commonly used in various legal contexts, inc ...
Counterarguments
- While direct communication is generally advisable, it may not be the best approach for every individual or relationship dynamic. Some people may prefer to process the information privately before engaging in a conversation.
- Establishing a "spray calendar" might inadvertently normalize the awkwardness of the situation instead of addressing any underlying discomfort or emotional implications.
- Honesty is important, but so is discretion. There may be aspects of one's private life that individuals are not comfortable sharing, even with close family members.
- The advice assumes that both parties are willing to communicate and respect boundaries, which may not always be the case.
- Discouraging aggressive or retaliatory actions is sound advice, but it may be beneficial to discuss potential legal or ethical considerations in more depth, especially if privacy or consent issues are involved.
- The recommendation to avoid creating fake profiles or sending cease and desist letters is prudent, but it doesn't address what steps could be taken if bound ...
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Perspectives and experiences related to swingers and the use of dating apps for casual relationships
The hosts and a listener discuss their encounters with dating apps, particularly focusing on ways they facilitate both intimate interactions and, in some cases, serve as a tool for promoting events like comedy shows.
The hosts share their own experiences and perspectives on the use of dating apps for casual encounters
Gareth Reynolds delves into the tactics he and a colleague employ while on the road for comedy gigs, revealing a strategy they’ve dubbed "carpet bombing" on Tinder. This involves swiping right on everybody regardless of preference, because time is a limited commodity when the main goal is to invite someone to a comedy show. Additionally, Reynolds shares his tactic of preemptively changing his location settings on the app to match with people in upcoming areas, such as Melbourne, to increase the chances of meeting someone who might be interested in attending the event.
Discussing the practice of "carpet bombing" potential matches on dating apps while on the road for work
The hosts highlight this practice as a rather unselective and opportunistic approach to using dating apps. It’s a numbers game where the potential to meet an interested party is amplified by the sheer volume of matches provided there’s no time to be discerning.
Acknowledging the potential risks and ethical concerns around using dating apps to facilitate intimate interactions
The conversation subtly acknowledges that there are risks and ethical considerations when using dating apps in this way. No explicit mention is made of what these concerns are, but it is implicit that there are considerations to be taken into account when engaging with others on platforms designed for initiating intimate connections.
The listener shares that she and her husband also do comedy, and that one of the hosts recently performed on their show
In a lighter moment, a caller shares her ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Perspectives and experiences related to swingers and the use of dating apps for casual relationships
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- "Carpet bombing" on Tinder is a strategy where users swipe right on a large number of profiles without much consideration for individual preferences. This approach aims to maximize the chances of getting matches quickly, especially when time is limited or the goal is to attract people to events like comedy shows. By casting a wide net, users increase the likelihood of finding someone interested in their offer or invitation. This tactic is more about quantity over quality, focusing on generating a high volume of potential connections rather than carefully selecting matches based on specific criteria.
- Gareth Reynolds and his colleague use a strategy called "carpet bombing" on Tinder, where they swipe right on everyone to maximize their chances of finding someone interested in attending their comedy shows. Reynolds also adjusts his location settings on the app to match with people in upcoming areas, increasing the likelihood of meeting potential attendees.
- Using dating apps for intimate interactions can pose risks like encountering dishonest ind ...
Counterarguments
- The "carpet bombing" strategy on Tinder could be seen as manipulative, using a platform designed for dating and relationships primarily for self-promotion.
- Swiping right on everyone without preference may lead to misleading expectations and could be considered disrespectful to those genuinely seeking connections.
- Preemptively changing location settings to match with people in upcoming areas might be viewed as a form of deceit, as it creates a false impression of one's actual location.
- There is a potential for the commodification of personal interactions when using dating apps as a tool for promoting events.
- The practice of using dating apps for casual encounters, while not inherently unethical, may contribute to a culture of disposability in relationships.
- The listener's invo ...
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1-Page Summary- The Listener's Personal Situation and Discovery of Her Sister and Brother-In-Law on a Swingers Dating App
- Advice and recommendations for how the listener should approach and handle the situation
- Perspectives and experiences related to swingers and the use of dating apps for casual relationships
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