How to STOP Letting People Walk All Over You (5 Real Strategies)
In this episode of The School of Greatness, Lewis Howes discusses how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with others. He examines the fundamentals of saying "no" effectively, communicating with confidence, and following through on personal boundaries—even when doing so risks being disliked by others. Through these practices, Howes explains how individuals can build genuine self-respect while earning respect from others.
The episode also covers the importance of confident communication techniques, including maintaining eye contact and avoiding over-apologetic language. Howes shares insights about surrounding oneself with people who maintain high personal standards and choosing activities that reinforce self-respect. He emphasizes that serving others should come from a genuine desire to help rather than from guilt or obligation.
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1-Page Summary
Healthy Boundaries: Learn to Say "No" Effectively
Lewis Howes explores the crucial skill of setting boundaries and saying "no" effectively. He emphasizes that while saying "no" might lead to being disliked by some, it's essential for building self-respect and earning others' respect. According to Howes, true friends will respect your boundaries, peace, and time.
Communicating With Confidence and Clarity
Howes shares that confident communication is key to earning respect. He notes that speaking with certainty and maintaining eye contact can significantly impact how others perceive and respond to you. From his experience leading workshops, Howes has found that deliberate communication combined with steady eye contact creates a powerful presence. He advises against over-apologizing or using tentative language, as these habits can dilute the assertiveness of your message.
Aligning Actions With Words to Build Respect
According to Howes, consistently following through on boundaries is crucial for maintaining credibility and self-respect. He shares personal experiences about how caving to requests when wanting to say "no" can damage both relationships and self-worth. Howes emphasizes that doing things out of guilt suggests a lack of self-worth, while serving others from a genuine desire to help indicates healthy self-respect.
Curating a Supportive Social Circle Of Uplifting People
Howes stresses the importance of surrounding yourself with people who respect themselves and maintain healthy boundaries. He shares how his own growth accelerated when he began spending time with mentors and individuals who maintained high standards. Rather than engaging in potentially negative environments, Howes recommends choosing activities that reinforce self-respect, such as sports or hiking, over activities that might compromise personal values.
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Counterarguments
- Saying "no" effectively is important, but it's also crucial to balance assertiveness with empathy and understanding, as sometimes the context may require a more nuanced response.
- While true friends should respect your boundaries, it's also important to recognize that relationships involve give and take, and sometimes compromise is necessary.
- Confident communication is valuable, but overemphasis on certainty and eye contact might not account for cultural differences where these behaviors can be interpreted differently.
- Assertiveness in communication should not overshadow the importance of listening and adapting communication styles to different audiences for effective dialogue.
- Following through on boundaries is important, but there should also be room for flexibility as circumstances change, and being too rigid can sometimes be counterproductive.
- Helping others out of a sense of obligation isn't always negative; it can also be a reflection of compassion and a commitment to relationships or community.
- While surrounding oneself with uplifting people is beneficial, it's also important to engage with diverse perspectives to foster empathy and understanding of different life experiences.
- Engaging in activities that reinforce self-respect is good advice, but it's also important to recognize that personal growth can sometimes occur in challenging environments that push individuals out of their comfort zones.
Actionables
- You can practice assertive communication by recording yourself during a mock conversation where you set boundaries. Review the recording to observe your body language, tone, and eye contact, and then adjust accordingly to ensure you're conveying confidence and respect for your own boundaries.
- Create a "boundary response script" for common situations where you might struggle to say no. This script should include phrases that are respectful but firm, allowing you to decline requests without over-explaining or apologizing. Rehearse these scripts to become more comfortable using them in real-life scenarios.
- Engage in a new hobby or activity that aligns with your values and reinforces your self-respect, such as volunteering for a cause you're passionate about or joining a sports league that emphasizes teamwork and personal growth. This will help you build a network of like-minded individuals who respect their own boundaries and support yours.
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Healthy Boundaries: Learn to Say "No" Effectively
Understanding when and how to say "no" is an essential skill in maintaining healthy boundaries and earning respect from others.
Owning Your "No" Is Key to Building Respect
Boundaries Protect, Saying "No" Shows Your Value
Lewis Howes emphasizes that finding comfort in sometimes being disliked is a crucial aspect of building the "respect muscle." Developing this resilience comes from the consistent practice of saying "no." Consistently declining requests helps to prioritize one's own time and commitments, signifying your own value. Owning your "no" conveys to people how you expect to be treated, which in turn leads to respect. Howes points out that while establishing boundaries by saying "no" can lead to losing friends, "real friends will respect your boundaries, peace, and time."
Saying "No" With Clarity and Kindness Commands Respect
Overexplaining or Apologizing Undermines Your Authority and Self-Worth
Howes shares from his personal experiences as a child and as an adult how saying "yes" to fit in or please others led to feelings of unworthiness. Instead of constantly overextending oneself, he advocates for the simplicity of a clear, firm "no." By declining requests with gratitude for the consideration and a polite refusal, one can communicate their decision without needing to elaborate.
Speaking with clarity and avoiding overexplaining or apologizing are key aspects Howes touches upon. Overjustifying or apologizing when saying "no" can undermine one's self-worth. He reflects on how he would spend hours crafting responses that included exc ...
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Healthy Boundaries: Learn to Say "No" Effectively
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Clarifications
- The "respect muscle" is a metaphor for the ability to earn and maintain respect through consistent behavior. Like a physical muscle, it strengthens with regular practice, especially by setting and enforcing boundaries. Developing it involves becoming comfortable with discomfort, such as being disliked when saying "no." Over time, this builds confidence and others' recognition of your self-worth.
- Being disliked sometimes is necessary because it shows you are prioritizing your own needs over pleasing everyone. Constantly trying to please others can lead to resentment and loss of self-respect. Accepting that not everyone will agree with your boundaries strengthens your confidence. This resilience helps others recognize and respect your limits.
- Saying "yes" out of guilt or fear of rejection often leads to internal conflict and stress because it conflicts with one’s true desires. This behavior can cause feelings of resentment and lowered self-esteem over time. It reinforces a pattern of people-pleasing that diminishes personal boundaries and autonomy. Psychologically, it may increase anxiety and reduce overall well-being by prioritizing others' approval over self-care.
- Healthy boundaries are limits set to protect your well-being and values, not just saying "no" arbitrarily. They involve understanding your needs and communicating them clearly and respectfully. Simply refusing requests can be reactive or defensive, lacking intention or respect for relationships. Healthy boundaries promote mutual respect and self-care, while random refusals may cause confusion or conflict.
- Overexplaining when saying "no" can make you appear uncertain or hesitant, weakening your position. Apologizing excessively suggests that your needs or boundaries are less important, lowering your self-respect. Both behaviors invite others to challenge or disregard your decision. Clear, firm communication signals confidence and reinforces your authority.
- Silence after saying "no" prevents others from pressuring you to change your mind. It signals confidence and finality in your decision. This nonverbal cue reduces opportunities for negotiation or guilt-tripping. People often respect firm boundaries more when they are not challenged.
- Kind-hearted assertiveness means expressing your needs and boundaries clearly and firmly while rema ...
Actionables
- You can practice saying "no" by starting with low-stakes situations where the outcome is less critical, like declining a store's loyalty card or an unnecessary upsell. This helps build the muscle of refusal without the pressure of significant consequences, allowing you to become more comfortable with the act of saying "no" in more important scenarios.
- Create a personal "boundary statement" that you can use when declining requests, which succinctly states your reason without over-explaining. For example, "I'm focusing on personal commitments right now, so I can't take on new ones." Having this prepared statement can make it easier to communicate your "no" clearly and confidently.
- Engage in a weekly ref ...
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Communicating With Confidence and Clarity
Lewis Howes shares insights into the transformative power of communicating with assurance. According to Howes, projecting certainty in your speech and maintaining eye contact can elevate the respect and authority perceived by others.
Certainty Earns More Respect Than Tentativeness
Howes points out that owning his "no" helped him gain respect, suggesting that confident communication is more effective than being tentative. When Howes began speaking with certainty and clarity—being decisive in his expressions—he noticed that people stopped interrupting him and a shift occurred in how they connected with him. He stresses the importance of believing in one's own worth before expecting others to recognize it. Howes counsels that the more you practice speaking assertively, the more natural confidence will become for you.
Confidence and Eye Contact Command Authority
During a workshop for a leadership team, Howes communicated deliberately, maintaining clarity and certainty in his speech. He emphasized the power of connecting with individuals through eye contact, landing his points powerfully and calmly. This approach resulted in accolades from participants, acknowledging the impact of his presence. Although not explicitly outlined in the provided information, the role of confidence and eye contact as strategies in effective communication emanates from Howes' experiences and successes.
Avoiding Excessive Apologies or Hedging Strengthens Assertiveness
Howes points out the tendency to over-apologize, like some of his Canadian friends, can dilute the assertiveness and clarity of communication. By eliminating those apologies and speaking wit ...
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Communicating With Confidence and Clarity
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Counterarguments
- While confidence can command respect, overconfidence can be perceived as arrogance, which may alienate others and undermine the communicator's objectives.
- Eye contact is culturally sensitive; in some cultures, too much eye contact can be seen as disrespectful or aggressive.
- Assertiveness must be balanced with empathy and active listening to avoid coming across as self-centered or dismissive of others' perspectives.
- The value of tentativeness should not be dismissed; it can be a sign of thoughtfulness, open-mindedness, and respect for the complexity of an issue.
- Apologizing, when appropriate, can be a sign of strength and accountability, and can help build trust and rapport.
- Decisiveness is important, but so is flexibility; being too rigid in communication can close off potentially valuable dialogue and collaboration.
- The effectiveness of communication strategies like directness and brevity can vary depending on the audience and context; what works in one situation may not work in another.
- Assertiveness is not universally the most e ...
Actionables
- You can practice assertive body language by standing in front of a mirror and rehearsing your posture, facial expressions, and gestures. Stand tall, maintain an open stance, and use hand gestures that convey confidence. For example, when practicing a speech or conversation, focus on keeping your shoulders back and your head high, and observe how this affects your feeling of assertiveness.
- Develop a personal "no script" for declining requests that you can customize for different situations. Write down a clear and concise statement that respects both your boundaries and the other person's request. For instance, if someone asks you to take on extra work, you might say, "I appreciate your confidence in me, but I need to focus on my current commitments to maintain the quality of my work."
- Create a feedback loop with a trusted friend or colleague where you both commit to pointing out when the ...
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Aligning Actions With Words to Build Respect
Lewis Howes's experiences emphasize the importance of aligning actions with words to build respect and maintain self-worth.
Boundary-Behavior Inconsistency Erodes Trust and Respect
Caving To Requests Damages Credibility and Self-Respect
Howes discusses the need for creating boundaries and sticking to them, as caving to requests when one truly wants to say no can damage credibility and self-respect. Howes describes how saying "yes" to others at the expense of oneself can lead to living a life out of integrity and alignment, which psychologically, emotionally, and physically fractures individuals. He recalls personal moments when he felt weak in responding to requests, noting that caving in can lead to feelings of frustration and a lack of self-worth. Moreover, Howes shares a personal story about not setting a respectful boundary, which led to stress and a ruined friendship after giving a loan to a friend. He suggests the importance of realizing when other people are crossing one's boundaries, even unintentionally, and the need to reflect on these areas in various relationships.
Following Through On Commitments and Boundaries Demonstrates Integrity
Following through on commitments involves understanding when and how to say no. Howes shares that doing things out of guilt suggests a lack of self-worth, while serving out of the desire to help is linked to a sense of self-worth. Howes urges listeners to stop saying yes out of guilt and stresses that not enforcing personal rules can further degenerate one's sense of alignment and respect. By practicing saying "no," Howes shows the importance of consistency in action, which ties to the larger concept of demonstrating integrity.
Respect is cultivated within others when boundaries are established and enforced. Howes's philosophy ...
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Aligning Actions With Words to Build Respect
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Counterarguments
- While setting boundaries is important, it's also necessary to be flexible at times. Rigidly adhering to boundaries in every situation can lead to missed opportunities for growth or collaboration.
- Saying "no" consistently can sometimes be perceived as uncooperative or unhelpful, which might affect relationships negatively, especially in cultures where indirect communication is valued.
- The idea that saying "yes" out of guilt always indicates low self-worth may be an oversimplification. People might say "yes" for various reasons, including empathy, compassion, or a sense of duty, which are not necessarily tied to low self-worth.
- The concept of living a life out of integrity when caving to requests assumes that one's initial stance is always the correct one. However, there can be value in being open to changing one's mind based on new information or perspectives.
- The emphasis on personal boundaries and saying no might not take into account the complexity of human relationships and the need for compromise and sacrifice in certain situations.
- The idea that not enforcing personal rules always deteriorates one's sense of alignment and respect may not account for the fact that personal growth often involves changing one's rules and boundaries as one gains new insights and experiences.
- The assertion tha ...
Actionables
- You can create a personal boundary script to articulate your limits clearly when faced with a challenging request. Write down phrases that comfortably express your boundaries, such as "I appreciate your request, but I must prioritize my current commitments" or "I'm honored you thought of me, but I'm not able to take on that responsibility at this time." Practice these phrases in low-pressure situations to build confidence for when you need to use them in more challenging circumstances.
- Develop a "No Journal" to reflect on instances where you said yes but wanted to say no. After each entry, jot down the consequences of not honoring your boundaries and how it made you feel. This will help you identify patterns and triggers that lead to unwanted yeses, making it easier to recognize and avoid similar situations in the future.
- Implement a wee ...
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Curating a Supportive Social Circle Of Uplifting People
Lewis Howes shares advice on the importance of surrounding oneself with individuals who are uplifting and contribute to personal growth.
Surrounding Yourself With Self-Respecting, Boundary-Aware People Empowers You Too
Howes stresses that the people we spend time with can influence our own sense of self and ability to set boundaries.
Prioritizing Uplifting Connections Accelerates Growth
According to Howes, personal growth is rapidly accelerated when surrounding oneself with people who uplift and respect themselves. He shares personal experiences of seeking approval from those who bullied him as a child, which led to diminishing his own value. He suggests that by choosing better connections, one’s personal development can be greatly enhanced.
Howes also encourages listeners to evaluate the people in their lives, such as friends, family, colleagues, or peers, to determine if these individuals contribute positively to one's sense of self and well-being. He underscores the importance of being in the company of those who respect themselves, as it can help one develop respect for oneself.
Choose Energizing Activities and Conversations to Reinforce Self-Respect
Howes advises listeners to curate activities in their lives that reinforce self-respect and serve personal growth.
He reflects on how surrounding himself with mentors and people who have strong boundaries and high standards helped him to improve and set healthier boundaries for himself. He also notes how important it is to be around coworkers, bosses, or employees who are growth-oriented rather than those who play the victim or make excuses.
Howes also discusses the significance of assessing friend groups. He implies that engaging in negative ...
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Curating a Supportive Social Circle Of Uplifting People
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Counterarguments
- While surrounding oneself with positive influences can be beneficial, it's also important to learn how to deal with negative or challenging people, as they are an inevitable part of life.
- Personal growth can sometimes occur through adversity, including interactions with difficult people, which can teach resilience and problem-solving.
- The idea of cutting out people who don't meet certain standards of positivity could lead to a lack of diversity in perspectives and experiences, which can also contribute to personal growth.
- Some individuals may find personal growth in helping and supporting friends or family members who are struggling, rather than distancing themselves from anyone who doesn't uplift them.
- The recommendation to avoid bars, nightclubs, and drinking may not be universally applicable, as some individuals can engage in these activities responsibly and still maintain self-respect and personal growth.
- The emphasis on self-respect might inadvertently lead to self-isolation if taken to extremes, as it could cause someone to avoid social situations where there is any risk of encountering negativity or conflict.
- The advice given may not consider the complexity of certain relationships, such as family ties, where cutting someone off or avoiding them isn't always a practical or desirable soluti ...
Actionables
- Create a "Boundary Buddy" system where you pair up with a friend to practice and reinforce setting healthy boundaries in various scenarios. You and your buddy can role-play situations where you might need to assert your boundaries, provide feedback to each other, and celebrate when you successfully maintain your boundaries in real life.
- Develop a "Personal Growth Book Club" with a focus on reading and discussing books that promote self-respect and personal development. This club can meet monthly, allowing members to share insights, discuss personal challenges, and support each other's growth journeys.
- Initiate ...
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