Former Secret Service Agent Reveals How to Read Anyone
In this episode of The School of Greatness, former Secret Service agent Evy Poumpouras discusses how to recognize deceptive behavior and read people more effectively. She explains research suggesting people may lie up to 10 times in a 30-minute conversation, and describes how lies manifest through both direct falsehoods and omission. Poumpouras shares specific verbal and non-verbal indicators that can help identify when someone is being deceptive.
The discussion also covers strategies for building personal confidence and handling confrontational situations. Poumpouras explains how making independent decisions and taking calculated risks contribute to genuine confidence, while offering practical advice about maintaining emotional discipline when faced with criticism or hostility. She provides guidance on using open-ended questions to gather information and recognize inconsistencies in others' statements without triggering defensive responses.
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1-Page Summary
The Ubiquity and Psychology Of Lying
In this episode, Evy Poumpouras and Lewis Howes explore the complex nature of lying, discussing its prevalence in daily life and the psychological factors that drive deceptive behavior.
Understanding Lies and Their Impact
Poumpouras reveals that research suggests people may lie up to 10 times within a 30-minute conversation. She emphasizes that lying is cognitively demanding, requiring consistent memory of details over time. Through personal examples, she explains how people often lie either through direct falsehoods or omission, typically to protect themselves or preserve relationships. Poumpouras notes that lying by omission, such as saying "let me think about that" instead of an outright "no," may be less damaging to credibility than direct falsehoods.
Detecting Deception
According to Poumpouras, detecting lies requires attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues. She explains that liars often speak in more scripted ways and show reduced physical movement due to the cognitive load of fabricating stories. Changes in typical behavior patterns, such as an animated person becoming still, can signal deception. Rather than direct questioning, Poumpouras recommends using open-ended questions to allow people to share their stories naturally, as this approach often reveals inconsistencies without triggering defensive responses.
Building Confidence and Resilience
Poumpouras emphasizes that confidence comes from taking risks and making independent decisions, even when facing potential failure. She advises against constant reliance on others' approval and advocates for positive self-talk to replace self-criticism. When dealing with criticism or hostility, Poumpouras recommends maintaining emotional discipline and carefully choosing when to engage or disengage from confrontational situations.
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Counterarguments
- The claim that people may lie up to 10 times within a 30-minute conversation could be an overestimation and may not represent all types of conversations or cultural contexts.
- While lying is cognitively demanding, some individuals may be habitual liars or skilled at deception, thus reducing the cognitive load and making it easier for them to maintain consistency.
- The assertion that lying by omission is less damaging to credibility than direct falsehoods might not hold in all situations; some omissions can be just as harmful as outright lies, depending on the context and the expectations of honesty in a given relationship.
- The effectiveness of detecting lies through verbal and nonverbal cues can vary greatly, as some individuals may not exhibit noticeable changes in behavior when lying, and others may have mannerisms that are misleading.
- The strategy of using open-ended questions to detect deception might not always be effective, as skilled liars may prepare for such tactics and still provide consistent and convincing narratives.
- The idea that confidence solely comes from taking risks and making independent decisions might be too simplistic, as confidence can also be built through support, validation, and positive reinforcement from others.
- The suggestion to avoid constant reliance on others' approval does not acknowledge the importance of social feedback and the role it can play in personal development and emotional well-being.
- Positive self-talk is beneficial, but it is not a universal solution; some individuals may require additional support, such as therapy or counseling, to address deep-seated issues of self-criticism.
- The recommendation to maintain emotional discipline in the face of criticism or hostility may not always be feasible or healthy, as expressing emotions can be an important aspect of processing and responding to negative interactions.
- The advice to carefully choose when to engage or disengage in confrontational situations does not consider that some individuals may not have the luxury of choice, especially in power imbalances or situations where they must defend themselves or others.
Actionables
- You can enhance your ability to spot inconsistencies by practicing storytelling analysis with friends. During casual conversations, ask friends to recount an event and later ask them to retell the story. Pay attention to any discrepancies or changes in their body language, which could indicate discomfort or fabrication. This exercise can sharpen your observational skills in a low-stakes environment.
- Develop your confidence by setting a "risk quota" for the week. Decide on a number of new things to try or decisions to make without seeking external validation. For example, if your quota is three, you might wear an outfit that's bolder than your usual style, voice an unpopular opinion in a meeting, or choose a restaurant for dinner without asking anyone else's opinion. This practice encourages you to trust your instincts and builds resilience against the fear of failure.
- Practice emotional discipline by journaling your reactions to criticism. Whenever you receive negative feedback, write down your immediate emotional response, then take a moment to reflect and write a more measured, rational reaction. Over time, this can help you recognize emotional triggers and develop a more disciplined approach to handling criticism, allowing you to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
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The Ubiquity and Psychology Of Lying
Evy Poumpouras and Lewis Howes delve into the universal human behavior of lying, examining its prevalence, the cognitive load it carries, and the reasons behind our tendency to deceive.
People Lie Through Falsehoods or Omission
Research: People Average 10 Lies In 30 Minutes
Evy Poumpouras acknowledges that everyone lies, whether the lies are big or small. She mentions that research varies, with some studies suggesting people may lie as many as 10 times within a 30-minute conversation.
Lying Is Demanding; It Requires Remembering Details and Consistency
Poumpouras emphasizes that lying is a taxing behavior, asserting, "You gotta remember it. You have to stick to it because you may have to repeat that lie again later in time. [...] It's just not worth doing. And so it's a lot of work to do cognitively." She recounts how she lied about her living situation to obtain financial aid because her father wouldn't provide tax paperwork, a lie she confessed during a Secret Service polygraph examination. Through this anecdote, Poumpouras illustrates the need for remembering details and maintaining consistency over time.
Lies Protect Self or Preserve Relationships
Avoidance of Uncomfortable Situations or Negative Emotions Through Lying
Poumpouras provides personal examples of lying, such as claiming to be fine when angry to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, or having her representatives communicate work refusals to avoid awkward direct confrontations. She explains that using language thoughtfully to let people down without hurting their identity is an act of lying or withholding the truth to preserve relationships. This is reflected in everyday interactions, such as telling a white lie when asked how one is doing, even if they are not actually "great."
Outright Lies Damage Credibility More Than Omission
Evy Poumpouras discusses how, inst ...
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The Ubiquity and Psychology Of Lying
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Counterarguments
- The claim that people average about 10 lies in a 30-minute conversation may not be universally accurate, as the frequency of lying can vary greatly among individuals and contexts.
- While lying can be cognitively demanding, some individuals may become adept at lying, reducing the cognitive load over time through practice or rationalization.
- Not all lies are told to protect oneself or preserve relationships; some lies are told for malicious reasons or personal gain without regard for others.
- The idea that thoughtful language to withhold the truth is always beneficial can be challenged; in some cases, honesty, even when uncomfortable, may lead to better outcomes and healthier relationships.
- The assertion that lying by omission is less damaging to credibility than outright falsehoods is not always true; repeated omissions can erode trust just as much as direct lies.
- The influence ...
Actionables
- You can practice transparency by starting a "truth journal" where you note down instances where you felt tempted to lie and explore the reasons behind it. This self-reflection can help you understand your lying triggers and work on being more honest. For example, if you notice you often lie to avoid conflict, you might then role-play or mentally rehearse facing similar situations with honesty.
- Develop a personal code of ethics that includes guidelines for honesty and integrity, and review it daily to reinforce your commitment to truthful communication. This could involve setting boundaries for what you consider acceptable white lies and what you don't, helping you navigate social situations without compromising your values. For instance, you might decide that complimenting someone's not-so-great cooking to spare their feelings is okay, but lying about your whereabouts is not.
- Engage in a "comfort zone challenge" where ...
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Techniques For Detecting Deception
Evy Poumpouras discusses the intricate techniques required to detect deception, noting the importance of observing both verbal and nonverbal cues and employing strategic questioning methods.
Observing Verbal and Nonverbal Cues Reveals Truthfulness Clues
Poumpouras emphasizes the value of conversation and watching for shifts in a person's behavior to discern if they are lying. She explains it's an intuitive process — not just about what is seen or heard, but also felt. If someone responds differently to a particular question, such as using "absolutely not" instead of a consistent "no," it could indicate deception. People may have a poker face or use frequent expressions like "I swear to God" or "on my mom." Poumpouras views these as red flags unless swearing is part of their natural language or culture.
In her experience with a suspect who convincingly claimed innocence, Poumpouras underscores how some individuals can effectively mask deceptive cues. Furthermore, she explains that liars tend to move less because fabricating stories requires effort. In contrast, natural storytellers who are usually more animated will exhibit reduced movement when uncomfortable or lying.
Body Language, Tone, and Speech Indicate Deceptiveness
Poumpouras points out that a mismatch between a person's words and body language is revealing. A verbal "no" accompanied by a nod, for instance, indicates a conflict between what is being said and the body's natural response. She explains that good communicators maintain eye contact when listening, showcasing trust, and when an illustrative person suddenly becomes less expressive, it might signal dishonesty.
Liars Speak In Scripted, Less Spontaneous Ways
Poumpouras suggests that liars often sound scripted, lacking spontaneity in their expressions. When someone tells a story with a clear beginning, arc, and end, it usually indicates a lie because people do not typically structure their genuine experiences in such a format. Truthful people often make spontaneous corrections when they speak, a sign that contradicts the common belief that such corrections are indicators of lying.
Open-Ended, Narrative Questions Can Be More Effective Than Direct Interrogation
Curiosity, according to Poumpouras, is key to eliciting more information from individuals. She advises asking open-ended questions to let people share their stories, thereby revealing inconsistencies or fabrications that can indicate deceit. As opposed to direct questions that can make people defensive, indirect questions allow a person to feel in control and less guarded, which may lead to a freer exchange of information.
Allowing People to Share Their Story Reveals Inconsistencies or Fabrications
Poumpouras recommends starting with open-ended questions that prompt someone to narrate what’s essential to them and what they value. By getting people to talk and offer details, observers can detect inconsistencies without directly inquiring abo ...
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Techniques For Detecting Deception
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Clarifications
- Intuition in detecting deception involves an unconscious, gut feeling based on subtle patterns and emotional responses that may not be immediately obvious. It differs from observation, which relies on consciously noticing specific verbal and nonverbal cues. Intuition integrates these cues with past experiences and emotional signals to form an overall sense of truthfulness. This process is often faster and less deliberate than systematic observation.
- Certain phrases like "I swear to God" or "on my mom" are often used to add emphasis and convince others of honesty. When overused or unnatural for the speaker, they may signal an attempt to compensate for a lack of credibility. These expressions can be a subconscious effort to persuade or deflect suspicion. Cultural and individual speech patterns must be considered to avoid false assumptions.
- A "poker face" is a neutral, expressionless facial appearance that hides emotions or reactions. It is named after the game of poker, where players try to conceal their feelings to avoid giving opponents clues. In deception detection, a poker face can make it harder to read true emotions or intentions. However, overly controlled expressions may also signal someone is trying to hide something.
- Body language often reflects unconscious feelings, while words are consciously controlled. A mismatch, like nodding while saying "no," signals internal conflict or deception. This inconsistency can reveal that the person’s true feelings contradict their spoken words. Observers use such cues to detect dishonesty or uncertainty.
- The TED framework guides questioning by encouraging open-ended prompts that invite detailed responses. "Tell" asks the person to narrate events or experiences in their own words. "Explain" requests clarification or reasons behind actions or feelings. "Describe" seeks vivid details about people, places, or objects to enrich the story and reveal inconsistencies.
- Lying requires cognitive effort to fabricate and maintain a false story, which can cause mental strain. This increased mental load often leads to reduced physical movement as the person focuses on controlling their behavior. Natural storytellers, who speak truthfully, are more relaxed and expressive, allowing for more natural gestures. Therefore, decreased movement can be a subconscious attempt to avoid revealing nervousness or inconsistencies.
- Truthful people often correct themselves spontaneously because they are recalling real memories, which can be imperfect or incomplete. These natural adjustments show their brain is actively retrieving and processing genuine information. In contrast, liars tend to stick to a rehearsed story to avoid contradictions. Therefore, spontaneous corrections are a sign of honesty, not deception.
- Open-ended questions invite detailed, expansive answers, encouraging the speaker to share thoughts and feelings freely. Direct questions seek specific, often brief responses, which can make people feel pressured or defensive. Open-ended questions build rapport and reduce resistance, making it easier to detect inconsistencies. Direct questions can shut down communication by limiting the speaker's control over the conversation.
- Direct questions can feel like accusations, triggering a natural self-protective response. They limit a person's control over the conversation, increasing anxiety and resistance. This defensive ...
Counterarguments
- While observing verbal and nonverbal cues can be helpful, it's important to note that these cues can vary greatly among individuals and cultures, which can lead to misinterpretation and false accusations of deception.
- Intuition can be biased by personal experiences, stereotypes, or preconceived notions, and relying on it too heavily can undermine objectivity in detecting deception.
- Some individuals may naturally have different speech patterns or use expressions like "I swear to God" without any intent to deceive, so these should not be taken as definitive indicators of lying.
- The idea that liars move less can be contradicted by nervousness or anxiety, which can cause some individuals to move more when they are being dishonest.
- Eye contact can be culturally specific, and some people may avoid eye contact due to shyness, social anxiety, or cultural norms rather than dishonesty.
- The assumption that liars speak in scripted ways may not always hold true, as some individuals may rehearse the truth to ensure clarity and coherence, especially in high-stakes situations.
- Open-ended questions can sometimes lead to rambling or off-topic responses, which may not necessarily provide useful information for detecting deception.
- The TED (Tell, Explain, Describe) framework may not be effective with all individuals, especially those who are less verbally expressive or who may not respond well to such questioning styles.
- Direct questions, while potentially leading to defensiveness, can sometimes be necessary to ...
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Developing Confidence and Resilience
The crucial elements in building confidence and resilience revolve around risk-taking, decision-making, and self-talk, as explained by various experts.
Risk-Taking and Decision-Making, Even if They Fail, Build Self-Assurance
Building Confidence By Overcoming Fear of Failure and Learning From Mistakes
Poumpouras emphasizes that to overcome self-doubt, it's necessary to venture outside of one's comfort zone and take risks. Failure hence becomes an integral part of the learning process. Knowing that you can survive the worst possible outcome can indeed provide a sense of strength.
Indecisiveness and Relying On Others' Approval Harm Confidence-Building
Indecisiveness is a sign of lacking confidence, so Poumpouras recommends against the habit of asking others for advice on decisions constantly. She believes in making decisions independently and owning your mistakes, which contributes to building resilience.
Self-Talk's Role in Self-Belief
Replace Self-Criticism to Boost Confidence
Poumpouras speaks to the detriments of negative self-talk and emphasizes replacing self-criticism with positive, encouraging self-talk. For example, instead of self-labeling as lazy for not wanting to work out, simply telling oneself to get up and move can make a significant difference.
"Embrace Growth: View Setbacks As Learning"
She also highlights that one should view setbacks as learning opportunities and emphasizes that trying, regardless of the outcome, is evidence of active engagement in life. This perspective on failure and growth can enhance self-assurance and resilience.
Cultivating Calm In Criticism or Hostility
Building Discipline Against Emotional Reactions to Hurtfu ...
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Counterarguments
- While taking risks can build confidence, not all individuals may benefit from this approach due to varying personality types and life experiences; some may find incremental steps more effective.
- Overcoming self-doubt by venturing outside one's comfort zone is not always feasible or safe for everyone, and some situations may require a more cautious approach.
- The idea that knowing one can survive the worst outcome provides strength may not apply to individuals who have experienced trauma or severe adversity, where such experiences could potentially exacerbate fear or anxiety.
- Indecisiveness is not always indicative of a lack of confidence; it can also reflect a thoughtful, deliberative decision-making process that values thoroughness over speed.
- Constantly making decisions independently without seeking advice can sometimes lead to oversight or error; collaboration and seeking diverse perspectives can enhance decision-making.
- Positive self-talk can be beneficial, but it must be authentic; overly positive self-talk that doesn't align with one's true feelings can sometimes be counterproductive.
- Viewing setbacks solely as learning opportunities may not acknowledge the real pain and disappointment that can accompany failure, which can be an important part of the emotional processing.
- The notion of trying regardless of the outcome might not always be practical or healthy, especially in situations where persistent efforts could lead to burnout or diminished well-being.
- Maintaining calm in the face of hostility is ideal, but it's also natural for people to experience and express emotions like anger or ...
Actionables
- Start a "Decision Diary" where you write down daily decisions, the outcomes, and the lessons learned. This practice encourages you to reflect on your choices, recognize patterns in your decision-making, and understand that mistakes are part of the learning process. For example, if you decided to speak up in a meeting and it didn't go as planned, write down what happened, how you felt, and what you could do differently next time.
- Create a "Challenge Comfort" jar filled with slips of paper that have different activities designed to push you out of your comfort zone. Each week, draw a new challenge and commit to completing it. These could range from trying a new food, starting a conversation with a stranger, or learning a new skill. This method helps you to regularly engage in new experiences, which can build confidence and resilience.
- Practice "Comp ...
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