The Science of Emotional Intelligence: How to Heal Trauma and Master Your Emotions
In this episode of The School of Greatness, Marc Brackett shares insights about emotional intelligence, drawing from both his expertise and personal experiences. He discusses how childhood experiences shape emotional development, the relationship between emotional skills and long-term success, and his own journey of learning to identify and manage emotions through mentorship and practices like martial arts and meditation.
The conversation examines the core components of emotional intelligence, including emotion recognition, labeling, and regulation. Brackett explains how these skills impact various aspects of life, from parenting to business leadership, sharing findings from his research on emotionally intelligent leaders during the pandemic and introducing tools like his How We Feel app for better emotional awareness. The discussion also covers the importance of creating emotionally safe environments and developing effective co-regulation skills.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Oct 29, 2025 episode of the The School of Greatness
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1-Page Summary
Personal Insights and Experiences With Emotional Intelligence
Marc Brackett shares his personal journey with emotional intelligence, including his struggles during the Covid-19 pandemic. Despite being an expert in emotional intelligence, Brackett found himself overwhelmed by disrupted routines and cohabitation stress, leading to emotional dysregulation. This experience, along with a pointed comment from his mother-in-law, prompted valuable self-reflection.
Brackett's path to teaching emotional intelligence was shaped by his childhood experiences of sexual abuse and the crucial mentorship of his Uncle Marvin, who taught him fundamental skills in identifying and managing emotions. His healing journey was further supported by his dedication to martial arts and Zen meditation.
Value and Importance of Emotional Intelligence For Success
According to Brackett, high achievement without emotional intelligence often leads to hollow success. He and Lewis Howes discuss how many high achievers struggle with emotional regulation, which can damage relationships and personal well-being. Brackett observes that emotional skills are often more predictive of long-term success than academic or technical competence, noting that even Yale students, despite their academic excellence, frequently struggle with anxiety and emotional challenges.
In the business context, Brackett's research during the pandemic revealed that emotionally intelligent leaders had teams with better health, happiness, and sleep patterns. He emphasizes that emotional intelligence in customer service can significantly impact business success through improved customer retention.
The Core Components and Skills of Emotional Intelligence
Brackett outlines the key components of emotional intelligence: recognizing, understanding, labeling, expressing, and regulating emotions. He emphasizes the importance of precise emotion labeling and understanding the true feelings underlying behavior. Through his How We Feel app, Brackett helps people identify and track various emotions with greater precision.
The development of emotional intelligence involves self-awareness, self-compassion, and the ability to pause before reacting. Brackett highlights the importance of co-regulation – the ability to calm oneself to help others – as a crucial aspect of emotional intelligence, involving empathy, compassion, and effective listening skills.
Childhood Experiences and Parenting In Developing Emotional Intelligence
Brackett and Howes discuss how childhood experiences significantly impact emotional intelligence development. They note that many people have been affected by negative childhood messages, leading to self-criticism and hindered emotional growth.
For effective parenting, Brackett advocates for parents to model and co-regulate emotions, helping children recognize, label, express, and regulate their feelings. He emphasizes creating emotionally safe environments and points out that only a third of adults report having had a nonjudgmental, listening presence during their childhood, highlighting the need for improved parenting strategies in emotional intelligence development.
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Counterarguments
- While emotional intelligence is important, it is not the only predictor of success; cognitive abilities, technical skills, and other personality traits also play significant roles.
- The correlation between emotional intelligence and team health, happiness, and sleep patterns may not imply causation; other factors could contribute to these outcomes.
- The emphasis on emotional intelligence in leadership could overshadow other critical leadership skills such as strategic thinking and decision-making.
- The idea that high achievement without emotional intelligence leads to hollow success may not resonate with everyone, as some individuals may find fulfillment in achievements not directly related to emotional intelligence.
- The impact of childhood experiences on emotional intelligence development is complex, and while they are influential, individuals can also develop emotional intelligence later in life through various experiences and deliberate practice.
- The effectiveness of parenting strategies in developing emotional intelligence in children may vary widely, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.
- The concept of co-regulation might not be applicable or effective in all interpersonal dynamics or cultural contexts.
- The focus on negative childhood messages might overlook the resilience and adaptability many individuals display despite challenging upbringings.
- The use of apps and technology to track emotions, as with the How We Feel app, may not be universally accepted or effective for everyone, as some may prefer or benefit from more traditional methods of emotional awareness and regulation.
- The assertion that precise emotion labeling is crucial may not account for cultural differences in emotional expression and understanding, where certain emotions may not be as easily labeled or recognized.
Actionables
- You can start a daily "emotion journal" to enhance self-awareness and emotional regulation. Each day, write down the emotions you experience, the context in which they occurred, and how you responded. This practice can help you identify patterns in your emotional responses and develop strategies to manage them more effectively.
- Create a "pause card" to carry in your wallet or set as a phone wallpaper as a reminder to take a moment before reacting. Whenever you feel a strong emotion, look at the card to remind yourself to take a few deep breaths and consider the most constructive response. This can help in developing self-compassion and improving your emotional intelligence.
- Engage in a weekly "empathy exercise" with friends or family where you share experiences and actively practice listening and responding with empathy. Take turns discussing a recent event that elicited strong emotions, and as a listener, focus on understanding and validating the speaker's feelings without offering solutions or judgments. This can strengthen co-regulation skills and deepen your relationships.
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Personal Insights and Experiences With Emotional Intelligence
Marc Brackett shares his struggles with emotional regulation during the Covid-19 pandemic and how his past experiences, including childhood trauma and Uncle Marvin's mentorship, guided his path to teaching emotional intelligence. His journey intertwines with insights from Lewis Howes, who shares a parallel narrative of overcoming childhood abuse.
Expert Marc Brackett Faced Emotional Challenges During the Covid-19 Pandemic
Brackett faced overwhelming emotional challenges during the pandemic, having been thrown off balance by disrupted routines and cohabitation stresses.
Disrupted Routines Overwhelmed Brackett Until a Grounding Realization
Brackett acknowledged the pandemic as an eye-opening experience concerning emotional dysregulation. Typically disciplined with martial arts and yoga, the shift to working from home, along with an extended and unexpected visit from his mother-in-law, resulted in a chaotic environment. He admitted to secretly crying and indulging in unhealthy eating habits. The comment made by his mother-in-law, questioning his expertise in emotional intelligence due to his visible struggle, served as a catalyst for self-reflection. Realizing he had not been applying his principles to his own life during the pandemic helped Brackett transform his approach.
Brackett's Childhood, Marked by Sexual Abuse, Shaped His Path To Teaching Emotional Intelligence
Brackett opens up about the early trauma he faced and the role his uncle played in helping him harness his emotional strength.
Uncle's Mentorship Led To Brackett's Skills and Work
Brackett reflects on his childhood marked by sexual abuse, discussing how this experience shaped his adult nervous system. Engaging with host Lewis Howes, who also confronted similar abuse, Brackett seeks to understand the long-term emotional impact of these traumas. He credits his Uncle Marvin for providing a foundational understanding of emotions. U ...
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Personal Insights and Experiences With Emotional Intelligence
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Actionables
- You can create a personal emotional resilience plan by identifying daily routines that promote stability and incorporating stress-reducing cohabitation agreements with those you live with. Start by mapping out your typical day and pinpoint areas that feel chaotic or stressful. Then, establish simple routines like morning meditation or an evening walk. Discuss with housemates or family members about shared responsibilities and quiet hours to reduce friction and support each other's emotional well-being.
- Develop a self-reflection journaling habit to recognize and manage emotional dysregulation. Dedicate a few minutes each day to write down moments when you felt emotionally overwhelmed or out of control. Note what triggered these feelings and how you responded. Over time, look for patterns and consider strategies to address these triggers, such as deep breathing exercises or setting boundaries in relationships.
- Explore a new p ...
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Value and Importance of Emotional Intelligence For Success
Marc Brackett and Lewis Howes delve into the significance of emotional intelligence, arguing that it is a crucial aspect of true success and fulfillment.
Emotional Intelligence: A Key to True Success and Fulfillment
Marc Brackett posits that high achievement without emotional intelligence is often hollow. He speaks to the importance of well-being, resilience, and possessing strategies for life’s challenges. Brackett defines true success as not only reaching high positions but also uplifting others and maintaining one's own wellness. He recounts the regret voiced by a 94-year-old man, a successful lawyer, who realized too late in life that his lack of empathy and self-awareness had compromised his personal relationships.
High-Achievers Struggle With Emotional Regulation, Harming Relationships and Wellbeing
Lewis Howes shares his own struggle with emotional regulation, which, despite his external successes, often compromised his happiness and relationships. He notes that many harm their connections with others and their own peace of mind by not being able to navigate their emotional landscape.
Emotional Skills Predict Success More Than Academic or Technical Competence
Marc Brackett observes that students may excel academically but flounder in life due to emotional challenges, such as anxiety. He cites the prevalence of anxiety and imposter syndrome at his workplace and expresses concerns about students at Yale who, despite their immense academic accomplishments, often struggle with happiness and envy.
Brackett highlights how envy can foster negative internal dialogues, impeding personal growth and success. Lewis Howes adds that understanding one's emotions is key to achieving goals without sacrificing inner harmony. Brackett questions if many of his accomplished students at Yale are genuinely succeeding in life, implying emotional skills are more predictive of long-term success than academic or technical ones.
Emotional Intelligence Helps Leaders Manage Emotions and Co-regulate With Others in High-Stakes Roles
EI ...
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Value and Importance of Emotional Intelligence For Success
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Counterarguments
- Emotional intelligence is not the only determinant of success; cognitive abilities, technical skills, and other forms of intelligence also play significant roles.
- Some individuals may achieve a high level of success and fulfillment without a strong focus on emotional intelligence, depending on their career path and personal values.
- The correlation between emotional intelligence and success can be influenced by other factors such as socioeconomic status, education, and networking opportunities.
- Emotional intelligence may not be as easily taught or improved upon as technical skills, which could challenge the effectiveness of training programs.
- The emphasis on emotional intelligence might undervalue other important traits like creativity, intellectual curiosity, and technical expertise.
- The concept of emotional intelligence is still subject to debate and criticism in the psychological community regarding its definition, measurement, and distinctiveness from other personality traits.
- Some cultures may prioritize different aspects of interpersonal relationships and emotional expression, which could affect the perceived value of emotional intelligence globally.
- The relationship between leadership success and ...
Actionables
- You can enhance your emotional intelligence by starting a "Mood Meter" journal where you track your emotions and their triggers daily. This practice will help you become more self-aware and understand your emotional patterns. For example, if you notice you consistently feel anxious before meetings, you might explore strategies to manage this, such as deep-breathing exercises or positive visualization.
- Develop empathy by volunteering in roles that require active listening, like a helpline volunteer or a community mediator. Engaging with people from diverse backgrounds in these roles can broaden your perspective and improve your ability to connect with others' emotions. As you interact with callers or participants, focus on understanding their feelings without judgment, which can translate into better empathy in your personal and professional relationships.
- Create a peer-led emotional intelligence book club at work, where you and your colleagues rea ...
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The Core Components and Skills of Emotional Intelligence
Marc Brackett and Lewis Howes delve into the intricacies of emotional intelligence (EI), focusing on how to recognize, understand, label, express, and regulate emotions effectively.
Emotional Intelligence: Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, Regulating Emotions
Brackett stresses the role of recognizing emotions in oneself and others as a cornerstone of EI. He emphasizes understanding the true feelings underlying outward behavior, such as recognizing that a child's anger might actually be shame or disappointment. Understanding core themes of emotions helps tailor effective support for others. Recognizing emotions accurately informs the questions you ask and the support you provide, and this ability varies due to personal factors like upbringing and culture.
Precise Labels Link Emotions to Responses
Brackett also teaches the importance of labeling emotions with precision. He illustrates this with an assignment where his students learn to differentiate stress from underlying emotions such as envy. His How We Feel app helps define a wide range of emotions to aid in identification and tracking. Distinguishing between emotions within one category, like 'peeved' versus 'enraged', is important for management. Overgeneralizing emotions should be avoided, as nuanced labeling can lead to better self-understanding and emotional regulation.
Regulation Means Learning to Manage Emotions Effectively
Regulation is the apex of understanding emotions. Brackett asserts that regulation is as much about acknowledging and being with an emotion as it is about changing it. Howes adds that it's also about not letting emotions steal your joy or control. Emotional freedom comes from processing emotions, leading to peace. Recognizing and understanding emotions are precursors to effective emotional management, which cannot occur without proper identification and acknowledgment.
Developing Emotional Intelligence Involves Self-Awareness, Self-Compassion, and the Ability to "Pause" Before Reacting
This development includes self-awareness, self-compassion, and the ability to take a "pause". Brackett invokes Viktor Frankl's concept of the space between stimulus and response, which is where the power to choose our response lies. Understanding emotions and their expressions form the bedrock of developing emotional intelligence. Taking care of one's body through sleep, nutrition, and exercise also helps with regu ...
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Counterarguments
- While recognizing emotions is crucial, overemphasis on self-analysis can lead to excessive introspection and potentially increase anxiety or self-doubt.
- The ability to understand the true feelings behind behaviors is complex and can be influenced by personal biases, potentially leading to misunderstandings.
- Accurate recognition of emotions is important, but it can be limited by the subjective nature of emotional experience and the difficulty of interpreting non-verbal cues accurately.
- Cultural differences in emotional expression can make it challenging to apply a universal approach to recognizing and labeling emotions.
- Precise labeling of emotions can be beneficial, but it may not always be possible or necessary for effective emotional regulation or communication.
- The concept of regulation might be too focused on control, potentially neglecting the value of experiencing emotions in their raw form.
- The idea of emotional freedom through processing might not account for situations where emotional expression is inappropriate or unprofessional.
- The ability to pause before reacting is valuable, but in some situations, immediate and instinctive responses might be necessary or beneficial.
- The focus on self-care (sleep, nutrition, exercise) for emotional regulation might overlook the impact of external factors such as social support or environmental stressors.
- The role of an "emotion scientist" may not resonate wit ...
Actionables
- Create an emotion journal to track your feelings and their triggers throughout the day. By writing down what you feel and the possible reasons why, you can start to see patterns in your emotional responses. For example, you might notice that you feel anxious every Sunday evening, which could be linked to anticipating the upcoming workweek.
- Use a mood-tracking app that prompts you to identify your emotions several times a day. This can help you become more aware of your emotional states and their fluctuations. Some apps might allow you to tag activities or people associated with your mood changes, offering insights into what might be influencing your emotions.
- Practice "emotional mirroring" with a trusted friend or fa ...
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Childhood Experiences and Parenting In Developing Emotional Intelligence
Marc Brackett and Lewis Howes discuss the critical impact of childhood experiences on emotional intelligence, highlighting the importance of effective parenting in fostering emotional growth.
"Many Have Been 'Gaslighted' by Negative Childhood Messages"
Self-Criticism Hinders Growth
Brackett mentions that many people haven't had any education on emotional intelligence because most people report never having had discussions on the topic, which implies that negative childhood messages may have been internalized, affecting self-perception and emotional growth. He explains that these negative messages often lead to self-criticism which hinders personal and emotional development. He describes individuals often feel inauthentic or "manufactured" because their emotions and identities were prescribed by others—specifically by parents—during childhood. This has led to self-criticism and is evidenced in part by students feeling pressured to follow a formulaic path to academic success, thus feeling emotionally constrained.
Howes shares his personal struggles with emotional regulation until his thirties, shedding light on how unaddressed childhood experiences can have long-lasting effects on emotional well-being. Howes also recalls growing up with a narcissistic parent, which suggests a potential link between his difficulties and childhood environmental factors.
Effective Parenting: Model, Co-regulate, and Help Children Understand Feelings
Breaking Dysfunctional Parenting: Approaching Emotions Differently From Childhood Experiences
Brackett and Howes emphasize the importance of creating emotionally safe environments within the family. They express concern about parents not being able to regulate their emotions, creating instability for the child. Brackett advocates for parents to model and co-regulate emotions, suggesting that children should be led to think critically and find solutions instead of being told what to do. He points out that instead of indulging a child's emotional expressions—which could lead to emotional dependence—parents should help children recognize, label, express, and regulate their emotions, redirecting them toward problem-solving strategies.
He provides advice for parents to act as role models in monitoring their self-talk and to show up with compassion and good listening skills for effective co-regulation. Deactivation or pa ...
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Childhood Experiences and Parenting In Developing Emotional Intelligence
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Counterarguments
- While negative childhood messages can hinder emotional growth, it's also possible for individuals to develop resilience and emotional intelligence despite such messages, depending on various factors like genetics, personality, and other supportive relationships outside the family.
- Self-criticism can sometimes serve as a motivator for personal improvement and self-awareness, though it is generally more beneficial when balanced with self-compassion.
- The feeling of inauthenticity in individuals could also stem from societal pressures or peer influences, not solely from parental prescriptions.
- A formulaic path to academic success might provide structure and stability for some students, helping them to feel secure and focused in their educational pursuits.
- Some individuals may find that unaddressed childhood experiences do not significantly impact their emotional well-being due to various coping mechanisms or therapeutic interventions they've encountered.
- The presence of a narcissistic parent is not the sole determinant of a child's ability to regulate emotions; genetics, other environmental factors, and personal experiences also play significant roles.
- Emotional safety is important, but it is also necessary for children to experience a range of emotions, including negative ones, to learn how to cope with life's challenges effectively.
- Modeling and co-regulating emotions are important, but it's also crucial for children to have opportunities to independently navigate their emotional experiences to build self-efficacy.
- Critical thinking and problem-solving are valuable, but children also need to be allowed to experience and process their emotions without always being directed towards solutions, as this can validate their feelings and foster emotional intelligence.
- Indulging a child's emotional expressions can sometimes be appropriate, as it can provide comfort and assurance, reinforcing a secure attachment.
- Monitoring self-talk and showing compassion are important, but parents also need to set boundaries and provide discipline to guide children's behavior effectively.
- Deactivation or pausing by parents is important, but there are times when immediate responses are necessary, and parents need to balance being present with setting appropriate limits.
- Labeling and managing feelings are impo ...
Actionables
- You can start a reflective journaling practice to identify and reframe negative childhood messages. Each day, write down any self-critical thoughts that come to mind and challenge them by writing a positive counter-statement. For example, if you catch yourself thinking "I'm not good enough," write down a recent achievement that contradicts this belief.
- Develop a "family emotional toolkit" with your children that includes creative ways to express and manage emotions. This could be a physical box containing items like stress balls for anger, a journal for recording feelings, or art supplies for drawing emotions. Use the toolkit together when emotions run high, guiding your children on how to use each tool effectively.
- Create a personal "emotional intelligence roadmap" by setting ...
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