13 Ways You Can Start Building A Stronger Relationship TODAY
In this episode of The School of Greatness, Lewis Howes and Martha Higareda Howes share their insights on building stronger relationships through effective communication and conflict resolution. The couple discusses how to address problems promptly while maintaining emotional awareness, establish clear boundaries, and avoid common pitfalls like trying to change one's partner or using emotions as manipulation tools.
The Howes also explore the role of gratitude and appreciation in maintaining healthy relationships, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging both major and minor contributions from one's partner. They draw from their own experiences and relationship experts to explain how maintaining individual interests outside the relationship, coupled with a commitment to personal growth through therapy and workshops, can strengthen partnerships.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Jul 14, 2025 episode of the The School of Greatness
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1-Page Summary
Addressing Problems and Conflicts In a Healthy Way
Lewis Howes and Martha Higareda Howes discuss the importance of addressing relationship conflicts promptly and constructively. They emphasize that ignoring problems leads to festering resentment, while conscious communication fosters harmony. Martha shares her approach of starting difficult conversations with appreciation, which helps create a positive environment for resolution rather than defensiveness.
The couple stresses that confronting issues with love is crucial. They advocate for immediate addressing of concerns while maintaining emotional awareness. Martha points out that taking time to process feelings before reacting can lead to more constructive discussions, while Lewis emphasizes that honest communication is non-negotiable in their relationship.
Boundaries and Acceptance
Lewis and Martha highlight the importance of establishing clear boundaries early in relationships. Lewis shares that his no-yelling policy creates a foundation of safety and respect. The couple warns against attempting to change partners, with Martha sharing a personal experience where trying to "fix" a partner led to resentment. Instead, they advocate for accepting partners completely, drawing inspiration from Martha's father who showed compassion for her mother's personality rather than trying to change it.
Maintaining Healthy Emotional Dynamics and Communication
The couple discusses the dangers of weaponizing emotions in relationships. Lewis shares past experiences with partners using silent treatment or emotional outbursts as manipulation tactics, emphasizing instead the importance of open, loving communication. They highlight the value of approaching conflicts with curiosity rather than blame.
The Howes make it a priority to express daily gratitude and appreciation for each other, even during challenging times. They note that acknowledging both big and small contributions helps partners feel valued and motivates further caring actions.
Cultivating Gratitude, Appreciation, and Continued Personal Growth
Lewis and Martha emphasize their commitment to continuous personal growth, sharing how they engage in therapy and workshops not just to solve problems, but to strengthen their partnership proactively. Drawing from relationship expert Esther Perel's insights, they stress the importance of maintaining interests and connections outside the relationship, recognizing that no partner can fulfill all of one's needs.
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Counterarguments
- While addressing conflicts promptly is generally beneficial, some situations may benefit from a cooling-off period to prevent heated arguments.
- Starting conversations with appreciation is positive, but it should not be used to manipulate or soften criticism to the point where the real issues are not addressed.
- Immediate addressing of concerns is important, but it's also crucial to ensure that both parties are in the right mental space to have a constructive conversation.
- Emotional awareness is key, but there can be a fine line between being emotionally aware and overanalyzing or misinterpreting emotions, which can lead to misunderstandings.
- A no-yelling policy can foster respect, but it's also important to recognize that some individuals may express themselves more loudly and that volume isn't always indicative of disrespect.
- Accepting partners completely is a noble goal, but it's also healthy to encourage growth and change in certain behaviors that may be harmful to the relationship.
- Open communication is vital, but there should also be space for personal processing; not all thoughts and feelings need to be shared if they are not constructive.
- Curiosity in conflicts is beneficial, but it should not replace accountability when one party is clearly at fault.
- Daily expressions of gratitude are important, but they should be genuine and not become a rote or performative act.
- Continuous personal growth is valuable, but individuals should also be cautious not to become so focused on self-improvement that they neglect the present state of their relationship.
- Maintaining outside interests is crucial, but it's also important to ensure that the relationship remains a priority and that external activities do not detract from the partnership.
Actionables
- Create a "conflict resolution jar" where you and your partner write down issues as they arise on slips of paper and agree to draw one slip each week to discuss constructively. This ensures that conflicts are addressed regularly and prevents the accumulation of resentment. For example, if you felt overlooked when your partner made plans without consulting you, write it down and use your weekly session to discuss it with appreciation for their initiative while expressing your feelings.
- Develop a "daily appreciation ritual" where you and your partner share one thing you're grateful for about each other every day, perhaps during dinner or before bed. This practice not only fosters a positive atmosphere but also becomes a habit that reinforces the value and care you have for each other. For instance, you might say, "I really appreciated how you listened to me vent about work today without interrupting."
- Initiate a "personal growth pact" with your partner where both of you commit to attending at least one workshop or therapy session every six months, either together or individually, to foster continuous growth. This could be as simple as an online communication workshop or a local self-improvement seminar. The key is to make it a shared goal that contributes to the strength of your partnership.
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Addressing Problems and Conflicts In a Healthy Way
Lewis Howes and Martha Higareda Howes talk about the importance of facing conflicts head-on and dealing with them in a nurturing manner in order to foster harmony and prevent resentment in a relationship.
Mentally Strong Couples Do Not Ignore Their Problems
The couple emphasizes that ignoring problems can lead to ongoing frustration and resentment, as unresolved issues tend to fester. Lewis Howes points out that not addressing an issue can result in frustration and anxiety. He stresses the significance of engaging in discussions to resolve problems and underscores the importance of both partners participating in this process.
Addressing Issues Through Conscious Communication Fosters Harmony and Prevents Resentment
Martha Higareda Howes reflects on the challenge of bringing up subjects due to past experiences and emphasizes learning how to voice concerns without causing upset. Lewis Howes advocates for immediate, open conversations about problems to avoid internal pain. Martha shares an example of how she starts conversations with a compliment to reduce their threatening nature, which can lead to resolution through appreciation rather than frustration.
Strong Couples Face Challenges With Love, Not Defensiveness
Problems Prompt Understanding and Resolution Through Appreciation
Confronting issues with love and appreciation is crucial, as Martha showcases how mentioning the things Lewis does right before addressing a problem fosters a positive environment. This technique leads to understanding and resolution instead of defensiveness. Lewis highlights that honest communication is a non-negotiable element in their relationship, even if it includes things that one might not like to hear. Martha also discusses the importance of honesty in sharing past issues as an act of love, which should not be met with anger.
Lewis Howes further explains that when ...
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Addressing Problems and Conflicts In a Healthy Way
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Counterarguments
- While addressing problems immediately can be beneficial, in some cases, individuals may need more time to process their emotions before they can discuss issues constructively.
- Complimenting before bringing up an issue might not always be appropriate or could be perceived as manipulative if the compliment seems disingenuous or unrelated to the discussion at hand.
- Open and honest communication is important, but it should also be balanced with tact and consideration for the other person's feelings; brutal honesty can sometimes be hurtful and counterproductive.
- The idea that problems should not be ignored assumes that all problems have a solution, but some issues may be chronic or unsolvable and require management rather than resolution.
- The emphasis on non-defensiveness is ideal, but it's natural for people to feel defensive when confronted with criticism; learning to manage defensiveness might be a more realistic goal than eliminating it entirely.
- The suggestion to avoid blame can be beneficial, but accountability is also important in a relationship; there needs to be a balance between understanding and holding each other responsible for actions.
- The concept of a safe environ ...
Actionables
- You can create a "compliment jar" for your home or office to encourage positive opening lines for difficult conversations. Write down genuine compliments for the people around you on slips of paper and place them in the jar. When you need to address an issue with someone, start by pulling out a compliment from the jar to ease into the conversation. This practice not only helps in reducing the threatening nature of confrontations but also builds a habit of recognizing and appreciating the positive aspects of those around you.
- Develop a "reaction pause" ritual by setting a timer for 5-10 minutes before responding to something that upsets you. Use this time to breathe deeply, write down your feelings, or take a walk. This helps you approach the situation with a clearer mind and prevents knee-jerk reactions that could escalate the problem. By doing this regularly, you'll train yourself to handle emotional responses more constructively.
- Organize a monthly "clear the a ...
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Boundaries and Acceptance
Lewis Howes and Martha Higareda Howes share insights on relationship dynamics, highlighting the significance of boundaries and acceptance for a healthy and strong partnership.
Strong Couples Set Firm Boundaries Early
Lewis Howes underscores the importance of addressing issues early in a relationship to set the stage for success. He notes that failing to do so can lead to problems later on.
Setting Firm Boundaries: No Yelling Creates Safety
Lewis and Martha discuss the necessity of having clear boundaries, and Lewis shares that a crucial boundary for himself is not tolerating yelling in a relationship, as it contributes to a sense of safety and respect. This firm no-yelling policy exemplifies the type of boundaries that can lead to a more serene and stable relationship.
Mentally Strong Couples Accept Their Partner's Personality Without Trying to Change Them
Martha Higareda Howes relates to the discomfort of being in a relationship that involves screaming and expresses a preference for acceptance over attempting to change one's partner. They touch on the potential harm of trying to change a partner, which can create an unhealthy fusion that imprisons both people in the relationship. Lewis Howes mentions how he dated explosive people in the past and felt he needed to change who he was to keep the peace, which led him to constantly give in, undermining the idea of mutual respect and fostering resentment.
Changing a Partner Is Futile and Breeds Resentment and Loss of Acceptance
Lewis emphasizes that you should fully accept a partner's personality before becoming significantly involved with them. Martha adds that efforts to change a partner can lead to mutual resentment, where you may resent their resistance to change and they may resent being pressured. Martha shares a personal anecdote about a past relationship where her ...
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Boundaries and Acceptance
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Counterarguments
- While addressing issues early is generally beneficial, some couples may find that a gradual approach to resolving issues works better for them, allowing time for personal growth and adaptation.
- Setting clear boundaries is important, but the rigidity of these boundaries can sometimes be counterproductive, as relationships often require flexibility and compromise.
- A no-yelling policy can promote safety and respect, but it's also important to acknowledge that expressing emotions, even loudly, can be a healthy part of communication for some couples, provided it's done with mutual respect and without harm.
- Accepting a partner's personality is crucial, but this doesn't preclude the possibility of personal growth and development within the relationship, which can sometimes involve change inspired by the partnership.
- While trying to change a partner can lead to resentment, there can be instances where partners positively influence each other to make beneficial changes, as long as these changes are self-motivated and not coerced.
- Accepting a partner's personality is important, but it's also necessary to recognize that certain personality traits can be harmful or abusive, and it's reasonable to expect a partner to work on these issues for the health of the relationship.
- Mutual resentment can arise from attempt ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner to proactively address potential issues. Sit down together and identify common relationship stress points, such as finances or household responsibilities. For each point, discuss how you might feel and how you would prefer to handle these situations. This preemptive strategy helps you both understand expectations and agree on solutions before problems arise.
- Start a "no yelling" jar as a physical reminder to communicate respectfully. Whenever either of you raises your voice in a way that could be considered yelling, agree to put a small amount of money in the jar. Decide on a positive use for the collected funds, like a date night or a donation to a charity you both support, reinforcing the value of maintaining a calm and respectful tone.
- Keep a "why I lov ...
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Maintaining Healthy Emotional Dynamics and Communication
Lewis and Martha Howes discuss the importance of maintaining healthy emotional dynamics in relationships, focusing on the need for open, calm communication and regular expressions of gratitude and appreciation.
Mentally Strong Couples Avoid Weaponizing Emotions to Control Partners
Lewis Howes shares past experiences of partners using the silent treatment or emotional outbursts as a form of emotional weapon. He describes this behavior as manipulative, destructive, and causing emotional turmoil. He emphasizes the importance of learning to communicate issues openly and lovingly, avoiding manipulation or weaponizing emotions. They also discuss conscious conflict resolution, where they approach each other with curiosity rather than shaming or blaming.
Martha Higareda Howes recounts maintaining a balanced perspective and avoiding negative assumptions about one's partner when under stress. She communicates her needs calmly during tough situations, seeking support rather than manipulating. Her approach to calm discussion suggests a constructive resolution that avoids turning emotions into a means of control.
Lewis also discusses the importance of receiving honesty calmly, hinting that a partner's negative reaction could deter openness in the future, and thus calm reception is crucial for honest communication. He suggests that partners should calmly state there's an issue and seek to have constructive conversations about it. They agree that avoidance of discussing anger-inducing topics leads to silencing one's voice, which mentally strong couples avoid.
Mentally Strong Couples Express Gratitude and Appreciation Regularly
Despite any arguments or disagreements, Lewis and Martha Howes make it a point to express appreciation for each other every day, emphasizing that gratitude reinforces their relationship's foundation. They mention that during challenges, acknowledging the positive ways in which a partner contributes to the relationship makes them feel valued for their efforts.
While the direct topic of expressing gratitude is not explicitly addressed in relation to weaponizing emotions, Lewis Howes's practice of remembering the reasons ...
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Maintaining Healthy Emotional Dynamics and Communication
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Counterarguments
- While open, calm communication is generally beneficial, some individuals or cultures may value more direct or passionate forms of expression, which can also be healthy if managed respectfully.
- In some situations, what one partner perceives as "weaponizing emotions" might actually be the other expressing genuine distress; it's important to differentiate between manipulation and a cry for help.
- Conflict resolution strategies that work for one couple, such as approaching each other with curiosity, may not be effective for all couples, who might need different approaches tailored to their unique dynamics.
- Maintaining a balanced perspective is ideal, but it's also human to have moments of doubt or negative assumptions; what's important is how these moments are addressed and resolved.
- While receiving honesty calmly is generally good advice, there are circumstances where honesty can be hurtful or inappropriate, and it's reasonable to have an emotional reaction to it.
- Discussing anger-inducing topics can be challenging, and while avoidance is not a solution, some couples may need to approach these topics gradually or with professional guidance.
- Expressing gratitude and appreciation is important, but it should not be forced or performative; it needs to be genuine to be meaningful.
- The idea that men primarily see ...
Actionables
- Create a "Curiosity Jar" for conflict resolution by writing down open-ended questions on slips of paper and pulling them out to guide discussions during disagreements. This encourages both partners to explore each other's perspectives without blame, fostering a deeper understanding. For example, questions could include "What do you feel is at the root of this issue?" or "How can we work together to find a solution?"
- Start a mutual appreciation journal where both partners can jot down things they're grateful for about each other daily. This practice not only serves as a reminder of the positive aspects of the relationship but also provides a tangible record that can be revisited during challenging times to reignite feelings of gratitude and motiva ...
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Cultivating Gratitude, Appreciation, and Continued Personal Growth
Lewis Howes and Martha Higareda Howes share insights into how they cultivate a strong relationship through continual personal growth and an understanding that each partner cannot fulfill every need.
Mentally Strong Couples Continue Growing and Improving Themselves
Howes highlights his journey to become more patient and a better listener as part of his commitment to the relationship. He discusses actively engaging in therapy with his partner, not due to problems but to prepare for future stresses and to reinforce their partnership. Martha Higareda Howes emphasizes that embracing emotions from arguments can hinder change, as it can become part of one's identity. To confront this, they engaged in workshops, therapy, and coaching, guided by reading and applying principles from books focused on personal development and relationship growth. This learning process reflects a dedication to cultivating a growth mindset and a willingness to evolve, which Howes believes are vital for harmony and peace within their relationship.
Growth Mindset and Willingness to Evolve Strengthen Relationships Over Time
Martha Higareda Howes and Lewis Howes underscore the importance of each partner having a growth mindset. They believe in striving to become better both individually and collectively, which can indirectly strengthen the relationship. They look to Martha's parents as role models, who got married young but grew as individuals, contributing to their lasting bond. The couple shares a commitment to never stop growing and emphasize continuous personal development as critical for a strong relationship.
Strong Couples Recognize Their Partner Can ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Cultivating Gratitude, Appreciation, and Continued Personal Growth
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Counterarguments
- While personal growth is important, some individuals or couples may find stability and comfort in consistency rather than continual change.
- Therapy and coaching are beneficial, but they may not be accessible or affordable for everyone, and other forms of support can also be effective.
- Embracing emotions from arguments isn't inherently negative; it can be a way to deeply understand and process feelings, leading to genuine change.
- Not all couples may find reading and applying principles from books as helpful; some may benefit more from other learning methods or experiences.
- A growth mindset is valuable, but it's also important to recognize and accept each other's limitations and imperfections.
- Individual growth is important, but the idea that it always strengthens a relationship may not hold true for every couple; some may struggle with changes in dynamics as individuals evolve.
- Using one's parents as role models can be inspiring, but it's also important to acknowledge that every relationship is unique and what works for one couple may not work for another.
- The concept that a partner cannot fulfill all needs might be challenging for those who believe in the idea of a soulmate or a partner who is meant to be 'e ...
Actionables
- You can set personal growth goals with your partner and schedule regular check-ins to discuss progress. Start by identifying areas you both want to improve in, such as communication or patience, and set specific, measurable goals. For example, if you want to improve listening skills, a goal could be to practice active listening in all conversations for a week. Schedule weekly or monthly meetings to share experiences, challenges, and celebrate successes together.
- Create a 'relationship growth journal' where you both can document insights, feelings, and lessons learned from individual experiences. This could be a physical notebook or a digital document that you both contribute to. Write about personal achievements, new hobbies, or interesting articles you've read, and discuss how these experiences contribute to your growth. This practice encourages sharing and understanding each other's individual journeys.
- Develop a 'mutual mentorship' approach by teaching each o ...
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