How To Turn Suffering Into Purpose, Strength & Healing
In this episode of The School of Greatness, Dr. Caroline Fleck examines the science of validation and its impact on emotional well-being. She explains how validation affects the nervous system and discusses its role in maintaining emotional safety in relationships—noting that it can be even more essential than love for building genuine connections.
Drawing from her experiences with depression and breast cancer, Fleck explores how personal suffering can become a tool for supporting others. She shares practical approaches for validating others during conflicts, including how to separate behavior from the person and how to determine when someone needs validation versus problem-solving. The episode covers both self-validation and external validation, explaining their roles in managing depression and maintaining psychological health.
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1-Page Summary
The Psychology and Science of Validation
In this episode, Dr. Caroline Fleck explores the crucial role of validation in relationships and emotional well-being.
Validation's Role in Emotional Safety
According to Fleck, validation is even more fundamental than love for maintaining emotional safety in relationships. She explains that validation has a calming effect on the nervous system, reducing anxiety and stress. When people feel seen and accepted, they're more likely to experience genuine connection, particularly beneficial for those who didn't receive validation during their upbringing.
Brain Science and Emotional Well-being
Fleck shares her personal experience with treatment and meditation, highlighting how separating one's identity from their thoughts is crucial for psychological health. She emphasizes that both self-validation and external validation play vital roles in managing depression and maintaining emotional well-being.
Transforming Suffering Into Support
Drawing from her personal battles with depression and breast cancer, Fleck describes how suffering can become a powerful tool for connecting with and supporting others. She and Lewis Howes discuss how their own challenges have enhanced their ability to empathize with and validate others' experiences. Fleck emphasizes that serving others during hardship can prevent suffering from becoming an anchor, instead transforming it into a source of meaning and purpose.
The Art of Validation During Disagreement
Fleck provides practical guidance on validating others, even during conflicts. She emphasizes the importance of separating a person from their behavior to maintain empathy. When supporting others, Fleck suggests first determining whether they need validation or problem-solving, noting that most people primarily seek validation. She recommends building trust through validation before moving into problem-solving or setting boundaries.
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Counterarguments
- While validation is important, it is not the only factor in maintaining emotional safety; trust, respect, and communication are also crucial elements.
- Some individuals may not experience a calming effect from validation due to complex psychological issues or past trauma that requires more than validation to address.
- The idea that feeling seen and accepted always leads to genuine connection may not hold true for individuals with certain personality disorders or those who struggle with attachment issues.
- The concept of separating one's identity from their thoughts, while beneficial in some therapeutic contexts, may not be suitable for everyone and could potentially lead to a disconnection from one's emotions or experiences.
- Self-validation and external validation are significant, but over-reliance on external validation can lead to dependency and a lack of self-sufficiency.
- Transforming suffering into a tool for connecting with others is a positive outlook, but it's important to acknowledge that not everyone may be able to find meaning or purpose in their suffering, and that's okay.
- The notion that serving others can give meaning to suffering might not resonate with everyone, and some may find meaning through personal growth, self-care, or other forms of self-expression.
- While validating others during conflicts is important, it is also necessary to address and resolve the underlying issues to prevent recurring conflicts.
- Separating a person from their behavior can help maintain empathy, but it is also important to hold individuals accountable for their actions, especially if those actions are harmful.
- The recommendation to determine whether someone needs validation or problem-solving might oversimplify complex emotional needs; sometimes, individuals may need a combination of both or different approaches altogether.
- The suggestion to build trust through validation before problem-solving can be effective, but it might not be the best approach in all situations, especially in professional settings where problem-solving might need to take precedence.
Actionables
- You can create a "validation journal" where you note down moments you felt validated or invalidated each day. This practice will help you become more aware of your emotional needs and the role validation plays in your life. For example, if a friend listens attentively to your story without interrupting, write down how that made you feel and why it was validating.
- Start a "perspective shift" routine by spending a few minutes each day reflecting on a recent conflict or stressful situation and consciously separating the person involved from their behavior. This could involve writing a brief narrative of the event, then rewriting it from an empathetic standpoint, focusing on understanding rather than judgment.
- Develop a "validation vs. solution" cue card for conversations, which you can discreetly glance at during discussions to remind yourself to first validate feelings before jumping into problem-solving. The card might have two sides: one with phrases that help you validate the other person's feelings, and the other with questions that guide you towards collaborative problem-solving once validation has been given.
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The Psychology and Science of Validation
Dr. Caroline Fleck delves into the intricacies of validation and its quintessential role in emotional connection and safety within relationships.
Validation Ensures Emotional Safety and Connection in Relationships
Caroline Fleck expresses that for lasting connections and emotional safety in relationships, validation is even more essential than love. A relationship may exhibit love but still be plagued by chaos, stress, and emotional instability, which often points to a lack of validation.
Validation Calms the Nervous System, Reducing Anxiety and Stress
Validation has a calming effect on the nervous system, which can significantly reduce feelings of anxiety and stress in an individual. Fleck accentuates this point by emphasizing the importance of understanding where someone is emotionally, particularly when they are struggling and doubting their ability to change. She stresses that tackling feelings of isolation with a problem is crucial since such feelings can be highly detrimental, implying that partnership in problem-solving within a relationship is critical.
Furthermore, Fleck suggests that the presence of love in a relationship is contingent upon validation. Feeling seen and accepted is fundamental to experiencing a real connection. Additionally, the suffering caused by feelings of being alone, perceived insanity, or believing one's experiences are unique can be alleviated by validation. Through her insights, Fleck unveils the transformative effect of validation on individuals, especially for those who didn’t experience it growing up.
Brain Science: The Importance of Feeling Validated For Emotional Well-Being
Discussing the psychological aspects, Caroline Fleck explains how treatment and meditation helped her separate her identity from her thoughts, a process she describes as key to gaining self-awareness and distancing herself from negative thoughts.
Validation Separates Thoughts From Identity, Fostering Self-Awareness and Self-Regul ...
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The Psychology and Science of Validation
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While validation is important, some argue that love encompasses a variety of behaviors and attitudes, including validation, and therefore cannot be deemed less essential.
- Emotional safety and connection can also be fostered through mutual respect, trust, and communication, not just validation.
- Some individuals may find too much validation to be suffocating or patronizing, preferring autonomy and self-sufficiency in handling their emotions.
- The calming effect of validation on the nervous system might not be universal; some people may require different strategies to manage anxiety and stress.
- The idea that partnership in problem-solving is critical could be challenged by those who value independence and believe that personal growth often comes from facing and solving problems alone.
- The concept of feeling seen and accepted as fundamental for a real connection might not resonate with everyone; some individuals may prioritize shared values or intellectual compatibility.
- The transformative effect of validation might be overstated for some individuals who find transformation th ...
Actionables
- Create a daily "validation journal" where you write down instances where you felt validated by others and moments when you validated someone else. This practice will help you become more aware of the role validation plays in your emotional well-being and relationships. For example, note when a friend acknowledges your feelings about a tough day at work, or when you recognize and affirm your partner's excitement about a personal achievement.
- Develop a "thought observer" habit by setting aside a few minutes each day to reflect on your thoughts as if they were clouds passing in the sky. This can enhance your ability to see thoughts as temporary and not defining your sense of self, which is beneficial for psychological health. You might sit quietly and notice your thoughts, labeling them as "just thoughts" and letting them drift away without judgment.
- Initiate a "validation exchange" with a close friend or partner where you take turns sharing and validating each ...
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Turning Suffering Into a Means to Help Others
Caroline Fleck and Lewis Howes discuss the potential of suffering to be transformed into a force for validating, supporting, and connecting with others.
Suffering Becomes a Gift When Used to Connect and Support Others
Speaker's Experiences With Depression and Cancer Uniquely Validated and Understood Clients
Caroline Fleck describes her personal journey through depression and battling breast cancer, which has given her a deep understanding of the importance of being seen. The experience of suffering allows one to validate and support others in a unique way, creating a profound connection. Fleck went into psychology to manage her own depression and found that relieving suffering in others became her survival mechanism and purpose. Her personal battles have been critical in her therapy work, especially with suicidal clients, to whom her openness has made a significant difference, sometimes even saving lives. She leveraged her cancer experience to foster kittens, finding purpose and joy during her chemotherapy, and underlining the idea that suffering can be useful when it helps others feel seen.
Serving Others During Hardship Prevents Suffering As an Anchor
Sustaining Meaning and Purpose in Dark Times Fosters Resilience and Growth
Lewis Howes, reflecting on his suffering from childhood trauma and abuse, points out how this internal agony was a catalyst for starting his show, which focuses on understanding people. He is grateful for his suffering because it allows him to empathize with others who have endured similar abuse. Howes suggests that suffering informed how he connects with and supports others, enhancing his ability to validate their experiences. Both Fleck and Howes agree that seeing suffering as anything other than a gift can turn it into a dead weight or an anchor, but serving others and finding meaning in suffering can prevent this.
Fleck speaks about being in service to others and using suffering to contribute to the world, aligning with her values and preventing pain from becoming an anchor. She underscores the need to channel suffering's e ...
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Turning Suffering Into a Means to Help Others
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Counterarguments
- Suffering is subjective, and not everyone may have the capacity or opportunity to transform it into a means of helping others.
- The idea that suffering is a gift could be seen as romanticizing or trivializing the pain that individuals experience.
- There is a risk of creating a narrative that one must suffer to be of service or to connect deeply with others, which could be harmful.
- The concept of using personal suffering to help others might inadvertently pressure individuals to disclose personal trauma before they are ready, for the sake of helping others.
- The notion that suffering should not be for personal benefit might overlook the importance of self-care and setting boundaries in the process of helping others.
- The emphasis on service during times of suffering might not acknowledge the validity and necessity of focusing on one's own healing and well-being.
- The idea that suffering can always be channeled into something productive may not account for situations where suffering is debilitati ...
Actionables
- Start a reflective journal to process your experiences and identify how they can aid others. Writing down your thoughts and feelings about your suffering can help you understand them better and may reveal ways you can use these experiences to empathize with and support others. For example, if you've overcome a personal challenge, note down what strategies helped you and consider sharing these insights with friends or online communities who might be facing similar issues.
- Create a "resilience playlist" with songs that have helped you through tough times and share it. Music can be a powerful tool for healing and connection. Compile a list of tracks that have given you comfort or motivation during difficult periods in your life, and make this playlist available to others who might benefit from it. You could share it on social media, with a note explaining how each song helped you, potentially offering solace to someone in a similar situation.
- Volunteer for a peer supp ...
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Validating Others, Even In Disagreement
Lewis Howes and Dr. Caroline Fleck engage in a conversation about the importance of validation in relationships, even amid conflict and disagreement.
Validation Allows For Differing Views
Lewis Howes and Caroline Fleck discuss tools that can help people validate others even when there’s a disagreement.
Separate the Person From Their Behavior for Empathetic Understanding
Caroline Fleck emphasizes the significance of separating the person from their behavior to achieve empathetic understanding. She mentions that seeing a person's quirks as transient rather than as part of their character can help maintain this empathetic perspective. By not confining people to the poor choices they have made, it is possible to affirm their feelings and kindly acknowledge their pain. It's about understanding that you do not have to agree with someone to see the validity in their perspective.
Ask if They Need Validation or Problem-Solving to Give the Best Response
Willingness to Listen Builds Trust and Connection
Caroline Fleck advises that when someone is dealing with an issue, it's important to decide whether they need problem-solving help or just validation. Fleck notes that people often default to problem-solving, while what most people actually seek is validation. She suggests starting with validation and then possibly moving to problem-solving if appropriate. However, she also acknowledges that some individuals, such as executive coaching clients, might prefer to go straight to action-oriented problem-solving.
Fleck often asks her clients and even her daughter whether they seek validation or solutions, showing an understanding of the need for clarity in support roles. She and her husband Matt regularly discuss and adapt to each other's needs for validation or problem-solving in their conversations.
Knowing whether to provide problem-solving or validation is crucial for building trust and connection during interactions. Fleck emphasizes the need for real connections with clients, which includes validating their experiences, especially when they originate from shared suffering, ...
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Validating Others, Even In Disagreement
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Counterarguments
- While validation is important, it can sometimes be misconstrued as agreement, which could potentially lead to misunderstandings if not communicated clearly.
- The separation of a person from their behavior, while empathetic, might not always be appropriate, especially if the behavior is a persistent and harmful pattern that defines their interactions.
- Not all individuals may respond well to the approach of validation before problem-solving; some may perceive it as patronizing or avoiding the issue at hand.
- The emphasis on validation might inadvertently discourage individuals from taking responsibility for their actions if not balanced with accountability.
- The strategy of asking whether someone needs validation or problem-solving could be seen as formulaic and might not apply to all types of conversations or relationships.
- The idea that executive coaching clients are more open to suggestions than mental health patients could be an overgeneralization and may not reflect the individual differences within these groups.
- The concept of "heavy on the validation upfront" might ...
Actionables
- Create a "validation journal" to practice recognizing and affirming others' feelings daily. Each day, write down instances where you actively listened to someone and validated their feelings, regardless of whether you agreed with them. This could be as simple as noting, "My coworker was frustrated with the new policy, and I acknowledged that it must be tough to adapt to these changes."
- Develop a "role clarity map" for your relationships, where you outline what kind of support your friends, family, or colleagues typically need from you. For example, one friend might need more validation, while another might prefer direct problem-solving advice. Update this map as your relationships evolve to ensure you're providing the type of support that strengthens your connections.
- Practice the "two-q ...
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