Podcasts > The School of Greatness > How To Release The Patterns That BLOCK Love & Keep You Single | Matthew Hussey

How To Release The Patterns That BLOCK Love & Keep You Single | Matthew Hussey

By Lewis Howes

In this episode of The School of Greatness, Matthew Hussey examines the realities of finding meaningful relationships. Drawing from his personal experiences, including meeting his wife at a London pub, Hussey challenges common advice about love happening spontaneously, explaining that finding a partner requires active effort and cannot be left to chance alone.

The discussion explores how past emotional wounds and insecurities can lead to self-sabotaging behavior in relationships. Hussey and host Lewis Howes examine the challenges of showing vulnerability, particularly for men, and discuss how financial anxiety and fear of abandonment can affect current relationships. The conversation covers strategies for developing self-awareness, breaking destructive patterns, and fostering healthier connections with potential partners.

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How To Release The Patterns That BLOCK Love & Keep You Single | Matthew Hussey

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How To Release The Patterns That BLOCK Love & Keep You Single | Matthew Hussey

1-Page Summary

Realities and Difficulties Of Finding a Partner

Matthew Hussey explores the complexities of finding love, emphasizing that forming meaningful relationships isn't something that simply happens by chance. He describes how dating can feel miserable, especially when promising connections don't lead anywhere, and notes that unlike other life goals, finding a partner often feels beyond our control.

Meeting a Partner Is Unpredictable

Sharing his personal experience, Hussey recounts meeting his wife Audrey unexpectedly at a London pub's engagement party. While this story might seem to support the common advice that "love happens when you least expect it," Hussey actually criticizes this notion, arguing that it creates unnecessary pressure on singles and dismisses the real effort required in finding a partner.

Sabotaging Relationships: Vulnerability and Trust

Hussey reveals how past wounds and insecurities can lead to self-sabotaging behavior in relationships. He explains that people often chase the wrong aspects in relationships or hide parts of themselves they fear might be unlovable. The challenge of being appropriately vulnerable is particularly significant for men, who might avoid showing weakness to maintain an illusion of power.

Lewis Howes contributes to this discussion by sharing how having his vulnerability rejected by a former partner affected him, illustrating how negative experiences can cause people to avoid openness in future relationships. Hussey adds that learning to value a partner's "bids" for connection and responding to vulnerability with support rather than criticism is crucial for relationship growth.

Impact of Past Wounds and Insecurities on Relationships

Hussey explores how past experiences, particularly around issues like financial anxiety or fear of abandonment, can significantly impact current relationships. He emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and compassion in understanding these patterns. According to Hussey, recognizing that our reactions are often driven by past experiences is key to breaking destructive patterns and fostering healthier relationships. He advocates for nurturing a wiser internal voice and being willing to experiment with different behaviors to create new, more positive relationship patterns.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While effort is important in finding a partner, some may argue that being overly strategic or forceful in seeking a relationship can come across as inauthentic or desperate, potentially repelling potential partners.
  • The unpredictability of meeting a partner could be seen as a romantic notion, and some might argue that there are patterns and environments that increase the likelihood of meeting a compatible partner, such as shared interest groups or professional networking events.
  • The pressure from the idea that "love happens when you least expect it" could be reframed as a reminder to focus on self-improvement and living a fulfilling life, which can naturally lead to meeting a compatible partner.
  • The concept of self-sabotage in relationships might be overly simplistic for some, as it doesn't account for the complex interplay of two individuals' personalities, communication styles, and life circumstances.
  • The emphasis on vulnerability in men could be criticized for potentially reinforcing gender stereotypes, as individuals of any gender can struggle with vulnerability.
  • The idea that responding to a partner's bids for connection with support is crucial could be nuanced by noting that boundaries are also important, and not all bids for connection should be met if they compromise one's well-being.
  • The focus on past wounds affecting current relationships might overlook the fact that some individuals can compartmentalize past experiences and not let them significantly impact new relationships.
  • The advice to nurture a wiser internal voice and experiment with behaviors could be criticized for being vague and not providing concrete steps for individuals to follow.
  • Some may argue that the emphasis on self-awareness and breaking patterns could lead to over-analysis and paralysis by analysis, where individuals become too introspective and not present in their relationships.

Actionables

  • Create a "relationship readiness" journal where you document your daily efforts in seeking a partner, noting the actions you take and reflecting on their outcomes. This can help you see the effort you're putting into finding a partner as a series of deliberate steps rather than leaving it to chance. For example, if you joined a new club or tried a dating app, write down what you did, how it made you feel, and what you learned from the experience.
  • Develop a "vulnerability practice" by setting aside time each week to share something personal with a friend or family member that you would normally keep to yourself. This can be a small step towards being more open and vulnerable in relationships. For instance, share a fear or a dream you've never voiced before, and observe how it feels to open up and how the other person responds.
  • Start a "connection bid" diary where you record instances when you or someone else made an effort to connect, and how you responded. This can help you become more aware of how you value and support others' attempts at connection. For example, if your friend talks about a stressful day, note down how you responded, whether you offered support or changed the subject, and think about how you might respond more supportively in the future.

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How To Release The Patterns That BLOCK Love & Keep You Single | Matthew Hussey

Realities and Difficulties Of Finding a Partner

Matthew Hussey conveys that love is difficult as he delves into the challenges of finding the right person, asserting that it isn't something that happens effortlessly.

Love and Relationships Are Challenging, Not Guaranteed

Matthew Admits Finding a Partner Is Difficult, Not Something That "Just Happens"

Matthew Hussey states that dating can often feel miserable, especially when there’s no chemistry on dates or when a promising chemistry doesn’t lead anywhere, causing disappointment. He conveys the frustration of feeling powerless in the search for a romantic partner and contrasts this with other goals, like making money, which can seem more within one's control.

Finding the Right Partner: Even Experts Face Challenges

Hussey acknowledges the complexity involved in finding someone who reciprocates feelings, is of an appropriate age, and fits into one's lifestyle. He discusses the unpredictability of finding love, asserting that even after finding someone, there’s the possibility of losing them to unforeseen circumstances such as illness. He metaphorically compares dating to an exclusive nightclub, highlighting that people are often more interested when someone is hard to get, pointing out the struggles and intricacies in the search for a partner.

Dating Realities: Anxiety, Insecurity From Rejection and Disappointment

Hussey shares how being single is often due to things simply not working out with anyone, as he reflected while being questioned on stage by an audience in 2019. He talks about the emotional toll of dating, where someone drifting away can inflate their importance, often due to triggered insecurities. The cycle of disappointment creates anxiety and causes people to shy away from dating, pretending they don’t want a relationship to avoid vulnerability or disappointment. Hussey also discusses the shame tied to the desire for a partner and the anxiety from interactions like someone we're interested in not texting back, which can lead to chasing those who don't treat us well.

Meeting a Partner Is Unpredictable

Matthew Recounts Meeting His Wife Unexpectedly At a Party, Showing how Life-Changing Moments Happen ...

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Realities and Difficulties Of Finding a Partner

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Counterarguments

  • While love and relationships can be challenging, they can also be straightforward and fulfilling for many people.
  • Some individuals do find partners effortlessly, often through social circles, shared activities, or even online dating platforms.
  • Experts in relationships, while knowledgeable, are not immune to the human experience and can learn and grow from their personal challenges.
  • Not everyone experiences anxiety and insecurity from rejection; some individuals have a resilient mindset and view dating as a learning experience.
  • While meeting a partner can be unpredictable, some people successfull ...

Actionables

  • Create a personal "rejection resume" to normalize and learn from dating setbacks. Just like a job resume highlights successes, a rejection resume can include dates or relationships that didn't work out, with a brief note on what you learned from each experience. This can help you see progress and patterns, turning negative experiences into growth opportunities.
  • Develop a "chance encounter" jar where you write down new activities or places to visit on slips of paper. Once a week, draw a slip and commit to going to that place or trying the activity, increasing the unpredictability of your routine and the likelihood of meeting new people in diverse settings.
  • Start a "pressure-free" ...

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How To Release The Patterns That BLOCK Love & Keep You Single | Matthew Hussey

Sabotaging Relationships: Vulnerability and Trust

Matthew Hussey and Lewis Howes delve into the complex dynamics of vulnerability and trust in relationships, highlighting common ways people may self-sabotage and the value of embracing a partner's openness.

Past Wounds & Insecurities Cause Relationship Self-Sabotage

Matthew Hussey admits to previously sabotaging what could have been wonderful relationships due to past wounds and insecurities. He uses an anecdote of a woman's harsh reaction to not being invited to a barbecue to illustrate how previous experiences might drive someone to sabotage a situation before it has a chance to develop. Hussey explains that individuals often chase the wrong aspects in relationships, noting that while the pursuit might be entertaining at first, it ultimately leads to lower self-esteem and heightened anxiety.

He suggests people should accept partners who love even those parts of oneself that one fears might be unlovable, rather than finding someone who one needs to trick into staying by hiding those parts. It is important to enter relationships honestly and own one's past faults.

Vulnerability Can Feel Unsafe, Leading To Self-Protection That Undermines Relationships

Hussey reveals that he nearly derailed the relationship that would become his marriage by chasing the wrong qualities. Seeking familiarity, even when it is harmful, and the instinct to chase someone who is inconsistent with their affection are seen as self-sabotaging behaviors.

He discusses the challenge of being appropriately vulnerable without burdening a partner with one's issues. Men, in particular, might avoid showing weakness to maintain an illusion of power. The reluctance to appear vulnerable stems from fear of rejection and the potential for additional hurt. Hussey recalls feeling insecure when his now-wife mentioned another man and his reaction was to become cold and withdrawn. He expresses that there's a danger in not communicating these vulnerable feelings as it might further damage the relationship.

Accepting Partner's Vulnerability Is Crucial for Relationship Growth

Lewis Howes shares a personal account of his vulnerability being rejected, laughed at, and labeled as weakness by a former partner, encouraging listeners to understand that such reactions to vulnerability can cause people to harden their hearts and avoid openness in the future. Hussey agrees, noting that telling someone to "pull it together" when they're vulnerable is a sign of one's own ...

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Sabotaging Relationships: Vulnerability and Trust

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While accepting all parts of oneself is important, it's also crucial to work on self-improvement and not use acceptance as an excuse to avoid personal growth.
  • Vulnerability is key, but there must be a balance; oversharing too early in a relationship can overwhelm a partner and create discomfort.
  • The idea that men avoid showing weakness to maintain power is a generalization and may not apply to all men; some men are comfortable with vulnerability and do not equate it with weakness.
  • The concept of "bids for connection" is valuable, but it's also important for individuals to maintain independence and not rely solely on their partner for emotional fulfillment.
  • Open communication is essential, but it should be noted that not all individuals have the same communication style or needs; what works for one couple may not work for another.
  • The emphasis on vulnerability might overlook the importance of setting healthy boundaries in a relationship to protect one's well-being.
  • The no ...

Actionables

  • Create a "Vulnerability Jar" where you and your partner write down moments of vulnerability or insecurities on slips of paper and place them in the jar to be discussed during a weekly 'openness hour'. This encourages a routine of sharing and addressing vulnerabilities in a safe space, fostering deeper understanding and connection.
  • Develop a "Happiness Map" for your partner by noting down instances when they seem genuinely happy or appreciative, then actively seek to recreate or encourage similar situations. This practice helps you become more attuned to your partner's emotional needs and strengthens the bond by showing that you value their happiness.
  • Initiate a "Two-Way Journal" wh ...

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How To Release The Patterns That BLOCK Love & Keep You Single | Matthew Hussey

Impact of Past Wounds and Insecurities on Relationships

Past hurts and deeply-rooted insecurities play a significant role in how individuals approach their relationships, as highlighted by Matthew Hussey.

Past Hurts and Beliefs Influence Relationship Approaches

Matthew Hussey explains how anxiety stemming from issues such as debt can affect an individual’s behavior, potentially leading to misinterpretations by their partner. He emphasizes the fear of rejection or judgment linked to past financial choices, revealing that such fears can deeply affect current relationships.

Negative Past Experiences Can Cause Defensive Patterns That Sabotage Future Relationships

Hussey talks about almost sabotaging his own relationship that lead to marriage due to defensive patterns caused by negative past experiences. He reflects on his past behaviors, such as passiveness or passive-aggression, stemming from insecurities which could have eroded the relationship.

Hussey illustrates how past fears of abandonment and inadequacy can trigger defensive reactions, sabotaging relationships. He discusses the development of anxiety or depression in response to situations that remind one of past hurt, leading to destructive defensive patterns.

Justifying Past Failures Limits Openness to New Possibilities

Hussey brings up the tendency to rationalize past relationship failures, which can hinder openness to new opportunities. By justifying why previous relationships did not work out, people might inadvertently shut themselves off from future possibilities.

Self-Compassion and Recognizing Triggers Are Key to Breaking Patterns

Matthew Hussey emphasizes the need for self-awareness and compassion in confronting personal insecurities and relationship behaviors.

Matthew Prioritizes Self-Awareness and Kindness In Exploring Relationship Behaviors and Insecurities

Matthew stresses the significance of self-awareness in understanding why certain behaviors emerge in relationships. Reflecting on the importance of responding to his partner's "bids" for connection, he admits to his past oversight and aims to become more attentive. This realization points to the critical nature of recognizing one's past and insecurities, which can shape relationships.

Recognizing Reactions as Experience-Driven Fosters Growth and Healing

Hussey advises that self-love and self-compassion are practical approaches to recognizing and changing patterns stemming from past experiences. Understanding that reactions are often inst ...

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Impact of Past Wounds and Insecurities on Relationships

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While past hurts and insecurities can influence relationship approaches, some individuals may not be as heavily impacted by their past and may have a more forward-looking perspective.
  • It's possible to argue that not all anxiety affects behavior in relationships; some people may have developed coping mechanisms that prevent their anxiety from affecting their partners.
  • Some individuals may not fear judgment or rejection from past financial choices, especially if they have come to terms with their past and have a supportive partner.
  • Defensive patterns are not the only response to negative past experiences; some people may become overly accommodating or excessively communicative as a way to compensate.
  • Rationalizing past relationship failures can sometimes provide valuable lessons and insights, which can be beneficial for personal growth and future relationship success.
  • The emphasis on self-awareness and compassion might overlook the role of external support systems, such as therapy or social support, in helping individuals deal with insecurities and relationship behaviors.
  • The idea that recognizing reactions as experience-driven fosters growth may not account for situations where external circumstances or the partner's behavior are significant contributing factors to relationship dynamics.
  • The suggestion to nurture a wiser internal voice assumes that individuals have the introspective capacity ...

Actionables

  • Create a "relationship journal" to track emotional responses and patterns, noting when you feel defensive or anxious and what triggered it. By regularly reviewing your journal, you can identify recurring issues and work on specific areas for personal growth. For example, if you notice that discussions about future plans consistently trigger anxiety, you might focus on developing communication strategies for those conversations.
  • Develop a "bid response" habit by setting daily reminders to actively respond to your partner's attempts at connection. This could be as simple as sending a thoughtful text, complimenting them, or engaging in a hobby together. Over time, this practice can strengthen your relationship by ensuring you consistently acknowledge and value your partner's efforts to connect.
  • Use a "pattern interruption" techn ...

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