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Stanford Psychologist: The #1 Psychological Skill To Master The Art of Influence & Transform Your Relationships

By Lewis Howes

In this episode of The School of Greatness, Dr. Caroline Fleck explores validation as a psychological skill that can transform relationships and deepen human connections. She outlines the "validation ladder," a set of eight skills including mindful attention, mirroring, and self-disclosure, and explains how these techniques help others feel seen and heard.

The discussion covers how validation differs from love in building genuine connections, and how it can be used to navigate disagreements while maintaining empathy. Dr. Fleck also addresses the importance of self-validation for emotional regulation, offering practical techniques for managing intense emotions and breaking patterns of emotional suppression that can lead to physical and psychological issues.

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Stanford Psychologist: The #1 Psychological Skill To Master The Art of Influence & Transform Your Relationships

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Stanford Psychologist: The #1 Psychological Skill To Master The Art of Influence & Transform Your Relationships

1-Page Summary

The Science and Skills of Validation

Dr. Caroline Fleck discusses validation as a crucial skill set that revolutionizes psychology and deepens human connections. Originally developed in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), validation involves conveying acceptance, empathy, and understanding to help others feel seen and heard.

Key Validation Skills and Their Impact

Fleck describes the "validation ladder," consisting of eight skills for conveying mindfulness and empathy. These include attending (making eye contact and nodding), mirroring (copying body language), and self-disclosure. She argues that validation, rather than love, builds true connections by enabling acceptance of one's authentic self, not just a persona.

Applying Validation in Relationships

According to Fleck, validation can transform interpersonal relationships when practiced with balance and sensitivity. She emphasizes the importance of validating emotions even when disagreeing with actions or beliefs, as this opens the door to productive dialogue. The key is maintaining equilibrium between showing empathy and staying regulated to avoid overwhelming others.

Self-Validation and Emotional Regulation

Fleck and Howes explore how many people struggle with feelings of being unlovable due to environments that prioritized problem-solving over emotional recognition. Fleck warns that suppressing emotions can lead to stronger, unhealthy expressions and physical issues. She outlines a process for self-validation that includes acknowledging feelings, experiencing emotions without intensifying them, and taking self-soothing actions. For managing intense emotions, she suggests techniques like the "mammalian dive reflex" and loving-kindness meditation.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While validation is important, it is not the only factor in building deep connections; trust, mutual respect, and shared experiences also play significant roles.
  • The concept of a "validation ladder" may oversimplify the complex nature of human interactions and emotions.
  • The assertion that validation is more effective than love in forming connections could be contested, as love encompasses a wide range of behaviors and emotions, including validation.
  • The effectiveness of validation techniques like attending, mirroring, and self-disclosure may vary greatly among individuals and cultures, and may not always be appropriate or welcomed.
  • The idea that validating emotions is crucial even when disagreeing with actions or beliefs might not always lead to productive dialogue, especially if the emotions are based on harmful or destructive beliefs.
  • The balance between empathy and regulation might not be easy to achieve and could lead to misunderstandings or emotional burnout for the person trying to provide validation.
  • The emphasis on self-validation could potentially lead individuals to over-focus on their own emotions at the expense of considering the feelings and perspectives of others.
  • Techniques for managing intense emotions, such as the "mammalian dive reflex" and loving-kindness meditation, may not be effective for everyone and could be complemented by other therapeutic approaches.
  • The notion that environments that prioritize problem-solving over emotional recognition lead to feelings of being unlovable is a generalization and may not hold true for all individuals or cultures, where problem-solving is seen as a form of care and love.

Actionables

  • You can practice active listening by summarizing what someone says in your own words before responding to ensure you've understood their perspective. This not only shows that you're paying attention but also gives the other person a chance to correct any misunderstandings, fostering a deeper connection through clear communication.
  • Create a "validation journal" where you record instances where you felt validated by others and when you validated someone else's feelings or experiences. Reflecting on these moments can help you become more aware of the importance of validation in your daily interactions and encourage you to incorporate it more consciously into your relationships.
  • Develop a "self-validation routine" by setting aside time each day to acknowledge and write down your emotions without judgment. This could be as simple as noting your feelings in a mobile app or a dedicated notebook, which can help you become more attuned to your emotional state and practice self-compassion, leading to better emotional regulation.

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Stanford Psychologist: The #1 Psychological Skill To Master The Art of Influence & Transform Your Relationships

The Science and Skills of Validation

Dr. Caroline Fleck, a body language expert, shares her insights into the science of validation, a skill set that has become essential for everyone, revolutionizing psychology and fostering deeper connections.

Validation: Skills That Convey Acceptance, Empathy, and Understanding to Help Others Feel Seen and Heard

Fleck stresses that validation is critical in therapy to enable patients to listen, collaborate, and work with the therapist. Originating from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which is used to treat serious conditions like borderline personality disorder, validation skills start with signaling engagement. This fosters understanding and empathy. Fleck emphasizes that it's not necessary to validate the entirety of someone's experience; focusing on the valid emotions behind behavior is key.

Validation in DBT Benefits all Relationships

Fleck discusses the "validation ladder," which comprises eight skills for conveying mindfulness, understanding, and empathy in a way that makes others feel accepted. The first step, attending, involves making eye contact, gesturing, and nodding. Copying, another key skill in validation, implies mirroring the body language of the person you’re interacting with.

Key Validation Skills: Attending, Mirroring, Understanding, Empathy, Self-Disclosure

Attending is about being mindfully engaged. Fleck describes using this skill to ensure you understand the point and why it matters to the other person. By showing genuine interest through non-verbal cues and exhibiting non-judgmental listening, you validate others. Lewis Howes adds that mirroring (repeating back what has been said) ensures the speaker feels understood and heard. Fleck expresses empathy by acknowledging feelings and possibly apologizing for the distress caused. She advocates authentic self-disclosure to communicate a connection, suggesting that "we're in this together."

Validation, Not Love, Builds Connections By Enabling Acceptance

Fleck argues that validation, rather than love, secures true connections by enabling acceptance. Without it, love may only target a persona, failing to recognize the authentic self. She notes that without validation, it’s hard to feel loved because it's unclear what is being loved if one does not feel accepted or seen.

Without Validation, Love May Target a Persona ...

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The Science and Skills of Validation

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While validation is important, it is not the only factor in enabling patients to listen, collaborate, and work with the therapist; other factors such as trust, expertise, and therapeutic techniques also play significant roles.
  • The emphasis on non-verbal cues in attending may not be as effective in certain forms of therapy, such as phone or text-based counseling, where these cues cannot be utilized.
  • Mirroring body language and repeating back what has been said can sometimes be perceived as inauthentic or patronizing if not done skillfully.
  • The concept of a "validation ladder" may oversimplify the complexity of human interactions and the subtleties involved in conveying understanding and empathy.
  • The idea that validation is more important than love in securing true connections could be debated, as love encompasses a wide range of behaviors and attitudes, including validation.
  • The assertion that without validation, love may only target a persona, not the authentic self, may not account for the multifaceted nature of love and how it can be expressed and perceived in different ways.
  • The notion that validation is independent of appearance or performance might overlook the reality that societal norms and biases often influence how individuals are validated by others.
  • The claim that validation is essential in creat ...

Actionables

  • Create a "validation journal" to practice recognizing and articulating the emotions behind your daily interactions. Each day, write down at least one interaction where you felt a strong emotion, describe the emotion, and reflect on what was happening beneath the surface of that emotion. This exercise will help you become more attuned to the valid emotions in yourself and others, enhancing your ability to validate those around you.
  • Develop a habit of "empathy pauses" during conversations. Before responding to someone, take a brief moment to consider their emotional state and perspective. This pause can be as simple as taking a deep breath or counting to three in your mind. It serves as a reminder to engage with empathy and ensures that your response is considerate of the other person's feelings, fostering a deeper connection.
  • Initiate a "validation challenge" with a friend or family member where you both com ...

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Stanford Psychologist: The #1 Psychological Skill To Master The Art of Influence & Transform Your Relationships

Applying Validation to Transform Relationships and Personal Growth

Validation is a valuable skill that can transform interpersonal relationships and encourage personal growth. Caroline Fleck and Lewis Howes discuss how validation can be learned and implemented in various aspects of life.

Validation Can Be Honed Through Practice, Even In Challenges

Fleck and Howes emphasize that the art of validation isn't restricted to therapy sessions but is a universally applicable skill that can benefit interpersonal relationships at all levels.

Understand Experience; Be Open to Feedback, Adjust Without Defensiveness

The key to practicing validation involves understanding another's experience and remaining open to feedback, adjusting one's behavior without defensiveness. Fleck notes the importance of empathy and understanding when engaging with others, particularly in challenging conversations about issues such as suffering or mental health. By acknowledging a person's emotions and being willing to be corrected without defensiveness, one can cultivate a transformative relationship.

Validation Requires Balance: Showing Empathy While Staying Regulated to Avoid Overwhelming Others

In learning and practicing validation, it is crucial to maintain a balance between showing empathy and being regulated to avoid overwhelming others. Fleck suggests that mirroring others should be done with sensitivity, avoiding mimicry, and focusing on fostering genuine understanding and empathy.

Validation Turns Interpersonal Challenges Into Growth and Connection Opportunities

Validating Emotions, Despite Disagreeing With Actions or Beliefs, Opens the Door to Dialogue and Change

Fleck highlights the importance of validating emotions, even when disagreeing with someone's actions or beliefs. It’s about seeking the kernel of truth, understanding the feelings behind a person's point of view, and the function it serves for them. This level of empathy can open the door to productive dialogue and possible changes in opinion or behavior, thereby turning challenges into opportunities for connection and growth.

V ...

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Applying Validation to Transform Relationships and Personal Growth

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While validation is important, it is not the only skill needed for personal growth or relationship improvement; other factors like communication, compromise, and mutual respect also play significant roles.
  • The concept of validation might be interpreted differently across cultures, and what is considered validating in one culture may not be seen the same way in another.
  • Overemphasis on validation could potentially lead to a lack of accountability if individuals expect their emotions or actions to be validated regardless of their impact on others.
  • In some situations, too much validation without constructive feedback can hinder personal growth, as individuals may not learn from their mistakes or understand the consequences of their actions.
  • The balance between empathy and regulation can be difficult to achieve and is subjective; what one person sees as regulated, another might see as detached or unemotional.
  • The idea of mirroring with sensitivity to avoid overwhelming others could be challenging to implement in practice, as people have different thresholds for what they consider overwhelming.
  • Validating emotions while disagreeing with actions or beliefs might not always lead to dialogue and change; in some cases, it could reinforce negative behaviors or beliefs if not ap ...

Actionables

  • Start a daily validation journal where you reflect on conversations you've had, focusing on how you acknowledged the other person's feelings and experiences. This practice will help you become more aware of your validation efforts and identify areas for improvement. For example, after a discussion with a friend who is stressed about work, write down how you recognized their stress and offered support without trying to fix the problem for them.
  • Create a "validation cue card" with key phrases that encourage empathy and understanding, which you can carry with you and glance at before entering challenging conversations. Phrases like "It sounds like you're feeling..." or "I can see why that would be upsetting" can remind you to focus on the other person's emotions. Use these cues in real-time to practice validating others, such as when a family member expresses frustration over a personal issue.
  • Engage in role-p ...

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Stanford Psychologist: The #1 Psychological Skill To Master The Art of Influence & Transform Your Relationships

Role of Self-Validation in Emotional Regulation and Self-Acceptance

Caroline Fleck and Lewis Howes discuss the critical role that self-validation plays in emotional regulation and self-acceptance, highlighting the fact that many individuals struggle with feelings of being unlovable or unworthy.

Self-Validation Lacking: Many Feel Unlovable or Unworthy

Fleck cites societal trends that discourage open discussion of self-hatred, with Howes questioning the extent to which people lack self-validation.

Raised In an Environment Prioritizing Problem-Solving Over Emotions

Fleck discusses an environment where problem-solving takes precedence over recognizing emotions. This approach can imply that one's feelings are irrelevant, leading to a childhood where emotional suppression was the norm. Howes reflects on his upbringing, noting the mixed messages about whether to show emotion. This trend can lead to problematic expressions of emotions in adulthood.

Suppressing Emotions Leads To Stronger, Unhealthy Expressions

Fleck warns that suppressing emotions can lead to them intensifying and manifesting in physical issues such as eczema, headaches, or sleep problems. The energy from these suppressed emotions affects our nervous system, leading to discomfort when alone as these emotions try to surface.

Practicing Self-Validation Involves Acknowledging, Feeling, Validating Emotions, and Taking Self-Soothing Actions

Fleck discusses the process of self-validation, from acknowledging feelings as valid without feeding the narrative to taking self-care actions. She suggests intensely feeling emotions without intensifying the narrative around them, proposing this can decrease the emotional intensity.

Process Can Regulate Emotions, Foster Self-Acceptance, and Create Inner Peace to Navigate Challenges

Through her practice, Fleck suggests that acknowledging emotions allows more control and self-acceptance. She details self-validation as acknowledging the emotion, feeling it physically without intensifying it, and identifying a kernel of ...

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Role of Self-Validation in Emotional Regulation and Self-Acceptance

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While self-validation is important, it is also necessary to balance it with external feedback to maintain a realistic self-perception.
  • The emphasis on self-validation might overlook the role of community and relationships in emotional regulation and self-acceptance.
  • The idea that suppressing emotions leads to physical issues could be seen as an oversimplification, as the relationship between emotions and physical symptoms is complex and not fully understood.
  • The concept of self-validation could potentially be misinterpreted as encouraging narcissism or excessive self-focus, rather than a healthy self-awareness.
  • The effectiveness of techniques like the "mammalian dive reflex" for emotion regulation may vary greatly among individuals, and more empirical research might be needed to support its widespread use.
  • The narrative that childhood emotional suppression is common could be challenged by cultural perspectives that value restraint and emotional control as positive traits.
  • The process of self-validation as described might not be suitable for everyone, especially for individuals with certain mental health conditions who might need more structured psychological interventions.
  • The f ...

Actionables

  • Create a daily "emotion journal" to practice self-validation by writing down your feelings without judgment and then responding to them with understanding and kindness, as if you were talking to a friend. This habit can help you become more aware of your emotions and learn to validate them, leading to better emotional regulation and self-acceptance.
  • Develop a "self-soothing toolkit" with items and activities that you find comforting, such as a playlist of calming music, a soft blanket, or a list of affirmations. Use this toolkit whenever you feel overwhelmed by emotions to help you acknowledge and soothe them, reinforcing the practice of self-validation and contributing to inner peace.
  • Engage in "emotion role-play" by se ...

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