In this episode of The School of Greatness, Dr. Caroline Fleck explores validation as a psychological skill that can transform relationships and deepen human connections. She outlines the "validation ladder," a set of eight skills including mindful attention, mirroring, and self-disclosure, and explains how these techniques help others feel seen and heard.
The discussion covers how validation differs from love in building genuine connections, and how it can be used to navigate disagreements while maintaining empathy. Dr. Fleck also addresses the importance of self-validation for emotional regulation, offering practical techniques for managing intense emotions and breaking patterns of emotional suppression that can lead to physical and psychological issues.
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Dr. Caroline Fleck discusses validation as a crucial skill set that revolutionizes psychology and deepens human connections. Originally developed in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), validation involves conveying acceptance, empathy, and understanding to help others feel seen and heard.
Fleck describes the "validation ladder," consisting of eight skills for conveying mindfulness and empathy. These include attending (making eye contact and nodding), mirroring (copying body language), and self-disclosure. She argues that validation, rather than love, builds true connections by enabling acceptance of one's authentic self, not just a persona.
According to Fleck, validation can transform interpersonal relationships when practiced with balance and sensitivity. She emphasizes the importance of validating emotions even when disagreeing with actions or beliefs, as this opens the door to productive dialogue. The key is maintaining equilibrium between showing empathy and staying regulated to avoid overwhelming others.
Fleck and Howes explore how many people struggle with feelings of being unlovable due to environments that prioritized problem-solving over emotional recognition. Fleck warns that suppressing emotions can lead to stronger, unhealthy expressions and physical issues. She outlines a process for self-validation that includes acknowledging feelings, experiencing emotions without intensifying them, and taking self-soothing actions. For managing intense emotions, she suggests techniques like the "mammalian dive reflex" and loving-kindness meditation.
1-Page Summary
Dr. Caroline Fleck, a body language expert, shares her insights into the science of validation, a skill set that has become essential for everyone, revolutionizing psychology and fostering deeper connections.
Fleck stresses that validation is critical in therapy to enable patients to listen, collaborate, and work with the therapist. Originating from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which is used to treat serious conditions like borderline personality disorder, validation skills start with signaling engagement. This fosters understanding and empathy. Fleck emphasizes that it's not necessary to validate the entirety of someone's experience; focusing on the valid emotions behind behavior is key.
Fleck discusses the "validation ladder," which comprises eight skills for conveying mindfulness, understanding, and empathy in a way that makes others feel accepted. The first step, attending, involves making eye contact, gesturing, and nodding. Copying, another key skill in validation, implies mirroring the body language of the person you’re interacting with.
Attending is about being mindfully engaged. Fleck describes using this skill to ensure you understand the point and why it matters to the other person. By showing genuine interest through non-verbal cues and exhibiting non-judgmental listening, you validate others. Lewis Howes adds that mirroring (repeating back what has been said) ensures the speaker feels understood and heard. Fleck expresses empathy by acknowledging feelings and possibly apologizing for the distress caused. She advocates authentic self-disclosure to communicate a connection, suggesting that "we're in this together."
Fleck argues that validation, rather than love, secures true connections by enabling acceptance. Without it, love may only target a persona, failing to recognize the authentic self. She notes that without validation, it’s hard to feel loved because it's unclear what is being loved if one does not feel accepted or seen.
The Science and Skills of Validation
Validation is a valuable skill that can transform interpersonal relationships and encourage personal growth. Caroline Fleck and Lewis Howes discuss how validation can be learned and implemented in various aspects of life.
Fleck and Howes emphasize that the art of validation isn't restricted to therapy sessions but is a universally applicable skill that can benefit interpersonal relationships at all levels.
The key to practicing validation involves understanding another's experience and remaining open to feedback, adjusting one's behavior without defensiveness. Fleck notes the importance of empathy and understanding when engaging with others, particularly in challenging conversations about issues such as suffering or mental health. By acknowledging a person's emotions and being willing to be corrected without defensiveness, one can cultivate a transformative relationship.
In learning and practicing validation, it is crucial to maintain a balance between showing empathy and being regulated to avoid overwhelming others. Fleck suggests that mirroring others should be done with sensitivity, avoiding mimicry, and focusing on fostering genuine understanding and empathy.
Fleck highlights the importance of validating emotions, even when disagreeing with someone's actions or beliefs. It’s about seeking the kernel of truth, understanding the feelings behind a person's point of view, and the function it serves for them. This level of empathy can open the door to productive dialogue and possible changes in opinion or behavior, thereby turning challenges into opportunities for connection and growth.
Applying Validation to Transform Relationships and Personal Growth
Caroline Fleck and Lewis Howes discuss the critical role that self-validation plays in emotional regulation and self-acceptance, highlighting the fact that many individuals struggle with feelings of being unlovable or unworthy.
Fleck cites societal trends that discourage open discussion of self-hatred, with Howes questioning the extent to which people lack self-validation.
Fleck discusses an environment where problem-solving takes precedence over recognizing emotions. This approach can imply that one's feelings are irrelevant, leading to a childhood where emotional suppression was the norm. Howes reflects on his upbringing, noting the mixed messages about whether to show emotion. This trend can lead to problematic expressions of emotions in adulthood.
Fleck warns that suppressing emotions can lead to them intensifying and manifesting in physical issues such as eczema, headaches, or sleep problems. The energy from these suppressed emotions affects our nervous system, leading to discomfort when alone as these emotions try to surface.
Fleck discusses the process of self-validation, from acknowledging feelings as valid without feeding the narrative to taking self-care actions. She suggests intensely feeling emotions without intensifying the narrative around them, proposing this can decrease the emotional intensity.
Through her practice, Fleck suggests that acknowledging emotions allows more control and self-acceptance. She details self-validation as acknowledging the emotion, feeling it physically without intensifying it, and identifying a kernel of ...
Role of Self-Validation in Emotional Regulation and Self-Acceptance
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