3 Keys to Becoming the Parent You Always Needed
In this episode of The School of Greatness, Jerry Wise and Becky Kennedy join host Lewis Howes to explore how growing up in dysfunctional families affects emotional development and creates lasting behavioral patterns. The guests introduce the concept of "family trance," where dysfunction becomes normalized within families, and discuss how childhood experiences shape adult self-talk and emotional responses.
The conversation examines practical approaches to healing from family dysfunction, including the importance of emotional self-regulation and breaking free from unhealthy patterns. Wise, Kennedy, and Howes address the process of releasing unrealistic expectations about perfect parents, developing emotional independence, and taking responsibility for one's own healing journey, while offering insights about building resilience through understanding and managing emotions.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the May 16, 2025 episode of the The School of Greatness
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1-Page Summary
Overcoming the Emotional/Psychological Legacy of Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
Jerry Wise, Becky Kennedy, and Lewis Howes explore the lasting effects of growing up in dysfunctional families and strategies for healing.
Impact of a Dysfunctional or Narcissistic Family
Jerry Wise introduces the concept of "family trance," where dysfunction becomes normalized within families, leading to the perpetuation of unhealthy patterns across generations. This can manifest in various behaviors like narcissism, addiction, and abuse.
Becky Kennedy explains how negative treatment during childhood identity formation can create lasting damage, noting that "a parent's words become a child's self-talk." This often results in internalized criticism and shame, as described by Lewis Howes, who shares his personal experience with childhood trauma and its 25-year impact on his emotional well-being.
Self-Differentiation and Escaping Family "Trance"
Kennedy emphasizes the importance of separating a child's behavior from their identity, while Wise discusses how breaking free from emotional enmeshment requires recognizing and challenging normalized unhealthy patterns.
In terms of emotional development, Kennedy suggests that self-regulation is crucial, comparing it to dimming a light rather than extinguishing it. Both experts stress the importance of developing emotional independence rather than seeking external validation or attempting to "fix" family relationships.
Letting Go Of Fantasies and Taking Responsibility For Emotions
The experts discuss the need to release unrealistic expectations of having perfect, nurturing parents. Wise emphasizes that even if parents apologize for past wrongs, the responsibility for healing lies with the individual. Kennedy adds that resilience should be the goal, coming from a place of understanding and tolerating a range of emotions rather than seeking external approval.
Howes shares his journey of healing through therapy and workshops, while Kennedy emphasizes the importance of understanding emotional responses rather than condemning them. This approach focuses on developing self-sufficiency and internal emotional regulation rather than depending on parental validation.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While the concept of "family trance" is useful, it may oversimplify the complexities of family dynamics and individual experiences.
- Some individuals may find strength and positive traits stemming from their experiences in dysfunctional families, suggesting that not all outcomes are negative.
- The idea that a parent's words become a child's self-talk might not account for the resilience and adaptability of some children who can critically assess and reject negative input.
- The emphasis on individual responsibility for healing might overlook the role that societal structures and support systems play in an individual's recovery process.
- The focus on self-regulation and emotional independence could be seen as dismissive of the importance of community and relationships in emotional development and well-being.
- The notion of releasing expectations of perfect parents might inadvertently minimize the legitimate needs children have for nurturing and supportive caregivers.
- The strategies for healing discussed may not be accessible or effective for everyone, as they can be influenced by cultural, economic, and personal factors.
- The approach to understanding and tolerating a range of emotions may not address the need for active intervention in cases of severe emotional distress or mental health disorders.
- The emphasis on self-sufficiency might not acknowledge the value of interdependence and the role of mutual support in emotional health.
- The idea that healing can be achieved through therapy and workshops may not consider alternative healing practices that are culturally relevant or personally preferred by individuals.
Actionables
- You can create a personal "emotion map" to better understand your emotional responses by tracking your feelings throughout the day in a journal, noting what triggers them and how you react. This self-awareness exercise helps you identify patterns and areas where you might be stuck in old family dynamics, allowing you to consciously work on changing your responses.
- Develop a "self-talk script" by writing down positive affirmations that counteract any negative self-talk you've internalized from childhood. Repeat these affirmations daily to rewire your brain's pathways and build a healthier self-image. For example, if you often think "I'm not good enough," your script might include "I am capable and worthy of respect."
- Engage in role-play scenarios with a trusted friend where you practice setting boundaries and expressing your needs. This can help you build the skills necessary for emotional independence and self-regulation. For instance, you could role-play asking for space in a relationship or saying no to an unreasonable request at work.
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Overcoming the Emotional/Psychological Legacy of Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
Jerry Wise and Becky Kennedy address the lasting emotional and psychological effects of growing up in a dysfunctional or narcissistic family, and how individuals can work to overcome this legacy.
Impact of a Dysfunctional or Narcissistic Family
Normalizing Dysfunction Leads To Accepting Unhealthy Patterns
Jerry Wise discusses the concept of the "family trance," where family dysfunction is not recognized because it has been normalized. He uses the term "malignant normalcy" to describe the acceptance and perpetuation of normalized abuse within a family dynamic, thus exacerbating unhealthy patterns. Wise speaks about the impact of generational trauma and programming that can lead to symptomatic behaviors like narcissism, alcoholism, abuse, workaholism, sex addiction, and gambling.
Internalized Criticism, Shame, and Neglect in Children of Narcissists
Becky Kennedy recalls the negative impact of authoritative figures shaming children, like coaches belittling young athletes, which can lead to lasting feelings of self-criticism and shame. She suggests that damaging treatment during a child's identity formation can contribute to negative self-perception in adolescents and adults. She states, "A parent's words become a child's self-talk," highlighting the importance of empathetic language in a child's emotional development.
Wise characterizes narcissistic family dynamics as lacking in empathy, controlling, and often abusive without a sense of remorse or acknowledgment of harm. Adult children from such families often harbor significant guilt, shame, and are judgmental of themselves, echoing the critical voice they grew up with internally. They may hate themselves due to judgment, criticism, and emotional hurt experienced in various forms, perpetuating the shame inflicted by their family.
Lewis Howes describes how being sexually abused at the age of five left him with a legacy of shame, sadness, anger, and rage for over 25 years, leading to issues of distrust and a strong urge to protect and defend himself. These emotions stemmed from his traumatic experience and represent a manifestation of internali ...
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Overcoming the Emotional/Psychological Legacy of Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
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Clarifications
- The "family trance" is a term used to describe a state where dysfunctional behaviors and patterns within a family are so normalized that they go unrecognized. It signifies a collective acceptance of unhealthy dynamics, often perpetuated across generations, leading individuals to internalize and replicate these patterns without questioning their impact. This concept highlights how individuals may be unconsciously influenced by their family environment, shaping their beliefs, behaviors, and relationships. Breaking free from the "family trance" involves recognizing and challenging these ingrained patterns to foster personal growth and healthier relationships.
- "Malignant normalcy" is a term used to describe the dangerous situation where dysfunctional or abusive behavior within a family becomes accepted as normal. It signifies a harmful normalization of unhealthy patterns, such as abuse or neglect, within the family dynamic. This concept highlights how individuals may not recognize the dysfunction because it has been ingrained as a standard way of life. Essentially, it points to the dangerous normalization of toxic behaviors within a family system.
- Generational trauma and programming suggest that traumatic experiences and dysfunctional behaviors can be passed down through generations within a family. This means that the emotional wounds and unhealthy patterns from past generations can influence the behaviors and coping mechanisms of current family members. These inherited patterns may lead individuals to exhibit symptomatic behaviors like narcissism, alcoholism, abuse, workaholism, sex addiction, and gambling as a way of coping with or repeating the trauma experienced by their ancestors. Recognizing and addressing these intergenerational influences is crucial for breaking the cycle of dysfunction and promoting healing within the family system.
- Internalized criticism, shame, and neglect in children of narcissists can lead to lasting emotional scars. Children raised by narcissistic parents often experience constant criticism, which can shape their self-perception negatively. This ongoing criticism can instill deep feelings of shame and inadequacy in the child, impacting their emotional well-being into adulthood. Additionally, neglect from narcissistic parents can further exacerbate these feelings of unworthiness and emotional distress.
- Emotional enmeshment occurs when individuals have blurred boundaries and overly identify with each other's emotions, often leading to a lack of auton ...
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Self-Differentiation and Escaping Family "Trance"
Self-differentiation is a journey towards gaining the emotional maturity and inner boundaries that should ideally stem from a healthy family environment.
Developing Emotional Maturity and Inner Boundaries
Becky Kennedy, Lewis Howes, and Jerry Wise discuss aspects of developing emotional maturity and the creation of inner boundaries essential for self-differentiation.
Parents' Behaviors Don't Reflect Your Worth
Kennedy uses a basketball coach analogy to demonstrate that a child's worth is not contingent on their performance or behavior. Instead of negative criticism, children should receive positive reinforcement to aid their emotional development. This understanding fosters emotional boundaries, clarifying that parents' behaviors do not reflect the child's worth. Wise adds that children should separate their sense of self-worth from any harmful or negative views expressed by their parents.
Self-Regulating Emotions Rather Than Seeking External Validation
Kennedy speaks to the necessity of learning to navigate and manage emotions independently rather than circumventing or being distracted by them. Emotional regulation promotes healthier and happier lives. Kennedy compares this regulation to dimming a light rather than extinguishing it, suggesting a way to handle emotional responses without resorting to external solutions.
Taking Responsibility for One's Own Emotional Well-Being
Taking responsibility means cultivating one’s sense of self-worth and emotional stability, independent of family dynamics.
Resisting Urges to Confront or Seek Parental Approval
Wise implies that avoiding reactive responses to negative parental commentary or approval-seeking is part of maturing emotionally. Instead, individuals should respond to criticis ...
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Self-Differentiation and Escaping Family "Trance"
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Counterarguments
- While self-differentiation is important, it's also necessary to recognize the value of interdependence in relationships and the balance between autonomy and connection.
- Positive reinforcement is important, but it should be balanced with constructive feedback to help children learn from their mistakes and develop resilience.
- Parents' behaviors can impact a child's sense of worth, especially in early development, so it's important to address and heal from negative parental influences, not just separate from them.
- Emotional regulation is crucial, but seeking external support, such as therapy or community, can be a healthy part of managing emotions and should not be dismissed.
- Taking responsibility for one's emotional well-being is important, but it's also necessary to acknowledge the role that systemic issues and external circumstances can play in an individual's emotional health.
- While it's beneficial to respond to criticism without internalizing it, it's also important to consider whether there is validity to the criticism that can be used for personal growth.
- Confronting an abuser may not be helpful for everyone, but for some, it can be a critical step in ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Self-Worth Jar" where you write down positive attributes about yourself on slips of paper every day. This practice helps reinforce the idea that your value is not dependent on external validation or performance. For example, you might write "I am kind" or "I am a good listener," and when you're feeling low, you can pull out a slip to remind yourself of your intrinsic worth.
- Start a daily emotion journaling routine to enhance your emotional regulation skills. Each day, spend a few minutes writing about your emotions, what triggered them, and how you dealt with them without seeking external approval. This could look like noting, "Felt anxious about a work presentation, took deep breaths, and reminded myself of past successes instead of calling a friend for reassurance."
- Engage in a weekly "Criticism Reflec ...
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Letting Go Of Fantasies and Taking Responsibility For Emotions
Through their discussions, Becky Kennedy, Lewis Howes, and Jerry Wise explore the unrealistic expectations that individuals often place on their parents, the importance of self-growth, and confronting the responsibility for one's own emotional well-being.
Releasing the Fantasy Of Having Nurturing, Supportive Parents
"Perfect" Family Dynamic: An Illusion, Not a Goal
Becky Kennedy questions the absurdity of expecting children to thrive without guidance, criticizing the fantasy of always nurturing, supportive parents or authority figures. Lewis Howes and Kennedy discuss the necessity for individuals to recognize their worth regardless of past treatment, urging the abandonment of the idea of infallible caregivers. Jerry Wise discusses breaking from destructive family patterns and the illusion of a nurturing family. He stresses the importance of confronting one's family past and the family-induced criticism, noting that letting go of the fantasy of nurturing parents is a significant step toward personal growth. Kennedy proposes that by relinquishing their own unrealistic expectations for healing through external factors, parents can dismantle the myth of a perfect family dynamic.
Howes and Wise elaborate that adult children often cling to the desire for parental acceptance, a longing that frequently goes unfulfilled. Releasing this emotional fantasy is essential for mature growth. The dialogue suggests that individuals must find self-sufficiency and growth through their responses to life's challenges, rather than seeking approval.
Embracing Self-Growth and Healing, Not Seeking Parental Approval
Self-Care for Emotional and Psychological Needs
Wise argues that it's important for people to develop their sense of self-worth internally, rather than depending on their parents' endorsement. He advises that even if parents apologize for past wrongs, it can't undo the trauma, and the responsibility now lies with the individual to address and heal their emotional wounds. Approaching parents for closure might not be constructive and is better pursued when the need to confront has diminished, reflecting emotional independence and self-progress.
Kennedy's perspective aligns with self-care, emphasizing that punishing oneself for und ...
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Letting Go Of Fantasies and Taking Responsibility For Emotions
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Counterarguments
- While self-worth should indeed come from within, the role of parents and a supportive family environment in shaping a child's self-esteem cannot be entirely dismissed.
- The idea of a "perfect" family dynamic, while unattainable, can serve as a guiding principle for families to strive for better communication and stronger relationships.
- Seeking parental approval is a natural human desire, and the longing for it doesn't necessarily impede mature growth if it's balanced with self-acceptance and independence.
- Parental apologies for past wrongs, while not erasing trauma, can be a significant step in the healing process for some individuals, fostering forgiveness and closure.
- Approaching parents for closure might sometimes be constructive, as it can lead to reconciliation and understanding, which can be therapeutic.
- Emphasizing resilience and a broad emotional spectrum is important, but the pursuit of happiness can also be a valid and meaningful goal for children and adults alike.
- While self-care and internal comfort are essential, soc ...
Actionables
- Create a personal growth journal to track your emotional independence journey, noting moments when you sought external validation and how you redirected that need internally. This can help you become more aware of your patterns and encourage self-validation. For example, if you catch yourself waiting for a parent's approval on a personal decision, write it down and then write a self-affirmation that reinforces your ability to validate your own choices.
- Develop a "comfort toolkit" that includes activities or items that provide you with a sense of safety and comfort without relying on others. This could be a playlist of calming music, a list of affirmations, a cozy blanket, or a set of mindfulness exercises. Whenever you feel the urge to seek external approval, turn to your toolkit to reinforce your internal sense of security.
- Engage in role-play exerc ...
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