Former Secret Service Agent Reveals How To Read ANYONE To Know Who You Can Really Trust
In this episode of The School of Greatness, former Secret Service agent and polygraph examiner Evy Poumpouras shares insights on reading and understanding people based on their actions rather than their words. She and host Lewis Howes discuss the importance of self-reliance when pursuing goals, and how to maintain personal boundaries while dealing with unsupportive individuals.
The conversation explores how to adapt communication styles while staying authentic, drawing from Poumpouras's law enforcement experience. She explains techniques for maintaining emotional neutrality in challenging situations and offers practical approaches to developing emotional intelligence. The discussion covers strategies for making informed decisions about trust and managing professional relationships through careful observation of others' behavior.
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1-Page Summary
Maintaining Personal Boundaries and Self-Worth
In their discussion, Evy Poumpouras and Lewis Howes explore the importance of self-reliance when pursuing personal goals. Poumpouras emphasizes that depending on external validation can be detrimental to achieving one's aspirations. She shares her experience joining the NYPD Academy without family support, highlighting the importance of pursuing goals despite opposition. Poumpouras advises distancing oneself from unsupportive people and accepting failures as natural learning opportunities.
Observing and Reading People to Make Informed Decisions
Poumpouras stresses the importance of evaluating people based on their actions rather than just their words. She recommends asking questions and remaining silent to allow others to reveal themselves through their responses and behavior. Drawing from her experience as a polygraph examiner, Poumpouras notes that people shouldn't be simply categorized as "good" or "evil," as even well-intentioned individuals can cause harm under certain circumstances.
Adapting Your Communication Style While Staying True
Drawing from her Secret Service experience, Poumpouras discusses the importance of adjusting one's communication style while maintaining authenticity. She advocates for adapting to others rather than expecting them to adapt to you, emphasizing that this doesn't mean compromising your values or identity. Howes adds that staying composed when facing difficult behavior is crucial for effective communication.
Developing Emotional Intelligence and Self-Regulation
Poumpouras shares insights about emotional intelligence gained from her police academy and Secret Service experience. She emphasizes the importance of detaching from immediate negative thoughts and maintaining emotional neutrality in high-stakes situations. Both Poumpouras and Howes discuss how maintaining professional composure and controlling emotional responses are essential skills in both personal relationships and professional environments.
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Counterarguments
- While self-reliance is important, seeking and considering external feedback can sometimes provide valuable perspectives that improve one's approach to achieving goals.
- Complete self-reliance may not always be feasible or healthy; humans are inherently social beings, and support networks can be crucial for success and well-being.
- Distancing oneself from unsupportive people might not always be possible or desirable, especially if those people are family members or colleagues with whom one must maintain relationships.
- While it's beneficial to learn from failures, it's also important to recognize that some failures can have significant negative consequences that aren't simply learning opportunities.
- Evaluating people based solely on actions without considering context, intent, or words may lead to misunderstandings; a balanced approach that considers both actions and words is often more effective.
- Remaining silent to let others reveal themselves can be a useful tactic, but it can also be misinterpreted as disinterest or passive communication, which might not foster open dialogue.
- While it's true that categorizing people as "good" or "evil" is an oversimplification, having a moral framework to assess behavior is important for personal ethics and societal norms.
- Adapting one's communication style is important, but there should also be room for others to adapt to you, fostering mutual respect and understanding.
- Staying composed in the face of difficult behavior is important, but expressing emotions in a controlled manner can also be a healthy and authentic way to communicate.
- Emotional neutrality can be beneficial in high-stakes situations, but in some contexts, showing empathy and emotional responsiveness is key to building trust and rapport.
- Controlling emotional responses is important, but over-regulation of emotions can lead to stress and may not always be the most authentic or healthy approach in personal relationships.
Actionables
- You can create a personal "Goal Resilience Plan" by writing down your objectives and identifying potential internal and external obstacles, then brainstorming strategies to overcome them. For example, if you anticipate a lack of support, plan to join online communities or find a mentor who aligns with your goals to ensure you have a motivational backup.
- Develop a "Behavioral Assessment Journal" where you note down people's actions and the outcomes they lead to, rather than focusing on their words. This can help you make more informed decisions about whom to trust and collaborate with. For instance, if someone consistently fails to follow through on promises, you might decide to limit your reliance on them.
- Practice "Emotional Equilibrium Exercises" such as mindfulness or controlled breathing when faced with challenging situations to help maintain composure. You could set a daily reminder to practice these techniques, ensuring that when a difficult situation arises, you're better equipped to respond calmly and effectively.
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Maintaining Personal Boundaries and Self-Worth
Evy Poumpouras and Lewis Howes discuss how important it is to maintain personal boundaries and self-worth, particularly when pursuing personal goals.
External Support Is Unnecessary to Pursue Goals
Poumpouras shares her perspective on the necessity of self-reliance when pursuing one's aspirations.
Don't Let Others' Expectations Dictate Your Actions
Poumpouras stresses that relying on others for support to achieve personal goals is misguided. This approach is problematic because it is dependent on the mindset that requires external validation, which shouldn’t dictate one's actions. Lewis Howes illustrates this by mentioning how he refrained from listening to other podcasts when launching his own in order not to be influenced by them. He aimed to create a podcast driven by his own vision.
Poumpouras recounts her experience of feeling alone when she joined the NYPD Academy. With her family and friends not being supportive, she contemplated quitting but was advised by a friend to stay. This experience highlights the importance of pursuing goals even in the face of opposition or lack of external support.
Poumpouras also discusses how it's necessary to distance oneself from people who do not support your efforts or think ill of you. By doing this, you conserve energy for your own pursuits. Using her parents as an example, she explains how she chose not to wait for their understanding or validation to chase what she wanted, despite their inability to comprehend her career choices due to their background.
Cultivate Adaptability and Resilience Over Validation
Accept Failures and Setbacks As Natural, Learn From Them, and Avoid Negativity
Poumpouras advises individuals to own their choices, accept failure when it happens, and to not harbor anger at o ...
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Maintaining Personal Boundaries and Self-Worth
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Counterarguments
- While self-reliance is important, external support can provide valuable perspectives and resources that can enhance one's ability to achieve goals.
- Others' expectations can sometimes offer constructive criticism that can help refine and improve one's approach to achieving goals.
- Pursuing goals in the face of opposition can be admirable, but it's also important to consider if the opposition raises valid concerns that should be addressed.
- Distancing oneself from unsupportive people can be beneficial, but it's also important to maintain a support network that can offer encouragement and assistance when needed.
- While adaptability and resilience are crucial, seeking validation from others can sometimes be a healthy part of social interaction and personal growth.
- Accepting failure is important, but it's also essential to analyze failures to prevent repeating the same mistakes.
- Trusting one's intuition is valuable, but it should be balanced with rational decision-making and consideration of evidence ...
Actionables
- Create a "Boundary Blueprint" by writing down your non-negotiable personal boundaries related to your goals. This could be a physical document or a digital note that clearly outlines what you will and will not accept from yourself and others in the pursuit of your goals. For example, decide that you won't work past 8 PM to maintain work-life balance or that you won't tolerate discouraging comments from peers.
- Develop a "Setback Journal" to document and reflect on failures and setbacks. Use this journal to record any challenges you face, what you learned from them, and how you plan to adapt in the future. For instance, if you fail to meet a fitness goal, write down the factors that contributed to the setback and brainstorm strategies to overcome them next time.
- Practice "Intuitive Decision-Making ...
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Observing and Reading People to Make Informed Decisions
Evy Poumpouras stresses the significance of observing and reading people's behaviors and actions to make informed decisions, which goes beyond taking their words at face value.
Listen and Observe Behaviors, Not Just Words
Reveal By Asking and Being Silent
Poumpouras advocates for a discerning approach to understand people, suggesting that one should assess others based on their actions rather than solely on their words. She recommends asking questions and then remaining silent, allowing the other person to disclose information about themselves through their responses and behavior. This strategy is an effective way to estimate who is trustworthy.
She also makes indirect reference to an ancient Greek saying by Odysseus, indicating that one can learn a lot about another by observing and keeping silent. Evy Poumpouras highlights the importance of listening and allowing others to show their true selves through their responses. By being strategic in gathering intelligence on people around you, you can make well-informed decisions about various personal and professional relationships.
For example, Poumpouras shares a personal experience involving her ex-partner, who reentered her life. As a polygraph examiner, she used her questioning and listening skills to discern his true feelings and situation, which informed her decision on how to proceed in the relationship.
Avoid Assumptions of Character As "Good" or "Evil"
Acknowledge Good People Can Cause Harm; Approach With Openness and Discernment
Poumpouras explains that ind ...
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Observing and Reading People to Make Informed Decisions
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Counterarguments
- While observing behavior is important, it can sometimes be misinterpreted due to personal biases or lack of context.
- Relying solely on non-verbal cues and silence might lead to misunderstandings, as some individuals may not express themselves clearly through behavior alone.
- The strategy of remaining silent after asking questions may not always be effective, as some people might find it uncomfortable and become less communicative.
- The assumption that strategic intelligence gathering on people around you always leads to well-informed decisions may not account for the complexity and unpredictability of human behavior.
- Personal experiences, such as Poumpouras's with her ex-partner, may not be universally applicable due to individual differences in situations and relationships.
- The idea that avoiding assumptions of character as "good" or "evil" is always beneficial may overlook the utility of heuristic judgments in quickly assessing potenti ...
Actionables
- You can practice mindful observation by keeping a journal of non-verbal cues you notice during conversations. Write down gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice you observe when interacting with others, and reflect on what these might indicate about their feelings and intentions. For example, if someone frequently checks their watch while talking to you, they might be in a hurry or disinterested, which can inform how you engage with them in the future.
- Develop your questioning skills by playing the "Question Game" with a friend, where you take turns asking open-ended questions without offering your own opinions or advice. This encourages active listening and helps you focus on understanding the other person's perspective. For instance, ask questions like "What was the highlight of your day?" and resist the urge to share your own until it's your turn to answer.
- Enhance your discernment by volunteering as a media ...
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Adapting Your Communication Style While Staying True
Evy Poumpouras and Lewis Howes delve into the nuances of communication, emphasizing the importance of adaptability while maintaining authenticity and alignment with one's values.
Adjust Tone and Language Based On Situation or Individual
Poumpouras shares experiences from her career as a Secret Service agent, highlighting the necessity to adjust one's behavior, tone, and language to effectively handle different scenarios and individuals. Whether it’s bringing more empathy into a room when dealing with emotionally charged situations or interacting with someone they may not particularly like, Poumpouras stresses the significance of tailoring one’s behavior to achieve success.
Stay Calm When Facing Difficult Behavior
Howes reflects on his past experiences of being on the receiving end of negative reactions and discusses the importance of staying composed in the face of difficult behavior. Similarly, Poumpouras talks about the need to remain calm and nonjudgmental, particularly when seeking the truth in sensitive situations like infidelity, and to continue receiving information.
Be Authentic yet Flexible in Interactions
Poumpouras emphasizes the strategic aspect of adaptability by recommending that one should adapt to others rather than expecting them to adapt to you. This does not imply being fake or manipulative but rather strategically presenting the aspects of your personality that best navigate the interaction. For instance, when interviewing a nanny suspected of harm, Poumpouras took a softer approach, which led to a confession without the need for a polygraph.
Adaptability Doesn't Mean Compromising Your Values or Identity
Poumpouras insists that being adaptable in communication does not mean changing who you are. She advises against excessive consumption of others' content, which could lead to mimicking and losing authenticity. Instead, be genuine and just do your thing. Howes also ech ...
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Adapting Your Communication Style While Staying True
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Counterarguments
- Adjusting tone and behavior might not always be perceived as genuine, and some individuals may see it as manipulative or inauthentic, even when done with good intentions.
- Staying calm in the face of difficult behavior is ideal, but it's important to acknowledge that everyone has limits, and there are situations where it might not be possible or healthy to remain composed.
- While being authentic is important, there is a risk that too much flexibility could lead to a loss of self, as constantly adapting to others may erode one's sense of personal identity over time.
- The strategy of adapting to others rather than expecting them to adapt to you might not always be appropriate, especially in situations where power dynamics are at play, and adapting could reinforce unhealthy patterns or inequalities.
- Being intentiona ...
Actionables
- You can practice situational role-play with a friend to enhance your adaptability in conversations. Set up scenarios where you must adjust your tone and approach, such as a job interview, a disagreement with a loved one, or giving feedback to a colleague. After each role-play, discuss what worked, what didn't, and how you could better align your communication with the situation.
- Develop a personal "stress protocol" to maintain composure in challenging interactions. This could include deep breathing exercises, a set of affirmations to remind yourself of your values, or a mental checklist to assess whether the situation warrants a bridge-burning decision. Use this protocol whenever you feel overwhelmed to ensure you respond calmly and intentionally.
- Create a "venting diary" where you allow yourself to expres ...
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Developing Emotional Intelligence and Self-Regulation
Fostering emotional intelligence and the skill of self-regulation are crucial for thriving in high-stakes or emotional situations, as the experiences of professionals like Evy Poumpouras and Lewis Howes demonstrate.
Practice Self-Awareness and Manage Your Emotional Responses
Detach From Thoughts and Feelings in High-Stakes Situations
In intense training situations at the police academy, Evy Poumpouras learned the importance of detaching from immediate negative thoughts and feelings to endure harsh treatment and adversity. This detachment required a high level of self-awareness and emotional management to continue in the face of extreme physical demands and psychological stress.
For instance, after failing an important test due to nervousness, Poumpouras faced a proctor who laughed at her acknowledged failure. Despite the shame, she moved forward, demonstrating detachment from the negative experience and exerting control over her emotional response. Similarly, during confrontational situations, Poumpouras emphasizes the necessity of self-regulation and setting clear goals to maintain emotional control.
Lewis Howes talks about honesty in his relationship, choosing to tell the truth while setting boundaries about conversations he may not want to have. His change in emotional responses when finding a partner who accepts him reflects self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Maintain Neutrality and Balance, Avoid Extremes
Control Your Emotions and Behavior Regardless of Circumstances
In the workplace, Poumpouras discusses the importance of not burdening others with personal issues and maintaining professionalism and control of emotions. This approach aligns with the principle of maintaining neutrality and balance and not allowing external factors to dictate emotions.
Poumpouras also describes how, in the U.S. Secret Service, the expectation to show up and perform despite not taking excessive sick leave exemplifies emotional regulation under demanding circumstances. This persistence echoes the earlier lesson of staying emotionally neutral despite external pressures.
Adopting a neutral mindset is a recurring theme in Poumpouras' approach, learned from her experiences in the Secret Service, wher ...
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Developing Emotional Intelligence and Self-Regulation
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Counterarguments
- Detaching from emotions may not always be beneficial; in some cases, emotional responses can provide valuable information and guide ethical decision-making.
- Overemphasis on self-regulation might lead to suppressing emotions, which can be harmful to mental health in the long term.
- The concept of maintaining neutrality might not be applicable or healthy in all situations, as it could lead to disengagement or lack of empathy.
- Setting clear goals is important, but being too rigid in goal-setting can lead to inflexibility and may not account for the complexity of human emotions and changing circumstances.
- Honesty in relationships is important, but there must be a balance to ensure that honesty does not become hurtful or insensitive.
- The idea of not burdening others with personal issues can be counterproductive to creating supportive and empathetic work environments.
- The expectation to perform under demanding circumstances without taking excessive sick leave could contribute to a culture of presenteeism, where employees work while sick, to their detriment and potentially that of their colleagues.
- The notion of emotional stability as observed in Navy SEA ...
Actionables
- You can practice emotional regulation by creating a "stress-response plan" that outlines specific steps to take when feeling overwhelmed. For example, when a stressful situation arises, your plan could include taking five deep breaths, listing three things you're grateful for, and visualizing a successful outcome to the situation. This preemptive strategy helps you manage emotions before they escalate.
- Develop your self-awareness by keeping an "emotion journal" where you record your feelings and the triggers throughout the day. At the end of each week, review your journal to identify patterns and situations that challenge your emotional stability. This reflection can lead to better understanding of your emotional responses and how to manage them in future scenarios.
- Enhance your ability to detach from negative t ...
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