Relationship Expert: How To Date To Find The Person You Want To Marry
In this episode of The School of Greatness, host Lewis Howes and relationship expert Stephen Chandler explore the mindset and approach needed to find a compatible long-term partner. They emphasize the importance of having a clear vision and alignment on core values, goals, and non-negotiables before pursuing a serious relationship.
The discussion covers the role of faith and spirituality in relationships, touching on topics like selfless love, gender dynamics, and finding shared purpose through service. Chandler provides insight into fostering a healthy, lasting partnership by avoiding petty conflicts, celebrating small wins, and focusing on what truly matters in the long run.
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1-Page Summary
Relationship Readiness and Vision
Lewis Howes and Stephen Chandler discuss the importance of having a clear vision for your ideal relationship before dating. Chandler insists on establishing core values, goals, and non-negotiables for a long-term partnership. Howes adds that he found the right partner when he realized she fit his vision for marriage and co-parenting.
Chandler warns against pursuing relationships that don't align with your vision, even if initially attractive. Instead, you should seek deep compatibility in visions and goals beyond temporary attraction. For those viewing dating as a path to marriage, ensuring alignment early is critical to avoid wasted time.
The Role of Faith/Spirituality in Relationships
Chandler explores how shared faith can provide the foundation for selfless, sacrificial love in a thriving marriage. However, he notes that while faith is beneficial, compatible values, communication, and growth mindsets are also essential for marital success.
Howes adds that even the religious can face major challenges without spiritual alignment. Chandler states it's difficult for relationships to thrive long-term without a strong spiritual basis, as attraction alone leads to disappointment.
Gender Dynamics and Expectations
Regarding traditional gender roles, Chandler believes the husband should ensure the family's basic needs are met, provide protection, and lead with a vision - though open to the wife's input. The wife's role includes supporting the husband's mission, offering a "prophetic voice", and nurturing the family.
However, Chandler notes the wife's specific role can vary based on the couple's agreed-upon family mission. He implies an adaptable view, where purpose isn't necessarily tied to income.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship
Howes and Chandler suggest avoiding petty conflicts that escalate and instead focusing on shared core values and goals. They advise creating meaningful memories together by celebrating small wins, not just major achievements.
Both emphasize the profound joy of selflessly serving others as a couple, specifically helping those who cannot repay you. Howes notes the importance of this shared purpose of service with his wife.
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Counterarguments
- The concept of having a clear vision for a relationship might be too rigid for some, as relationships can evolve in unexpected ways that a preconceived vision may not account for.
- Core values and non-negotiables are important, but being too strict with them can potentially lead to dismissing a good match who might encourage growth in new directions.
- Deep compatibility is important, but focusing solely on long-term goals may overlook the significance of learning and growing together through the experiences that come with a relationship.
- Early alignment on visions and goals is helpful, but it's also important to allow room for individual growth and change within a relationship.
- While shared faith can be a strong foundation for some, relationships can also thrive on mutual respect and love, even with differing spiritual beliefs.
- The emphasis on traditional gender roles may not resonate with or be applicable to all couples, especially in modern contexts where roles are often fluid and negotiated based on individual strengths and preferences.
- Avoiding petty conflicts is sound advice, but addressing and resolving small issues is also important to prevent them from becoming larger problems in the future.
- Celebrating small wins is valuable, but it's also crucial to acknowledge and work through failures and challenges together, as they are part of a healthy relationship.
- The idea of selflessly serving others is noble, but it's also important for couples to ensure they are meeting their own needs and maintaining a balance to avoid burnout or resentment.
Actionables
- Develop a "relationship vision board" with your partner to visualize your shared future. Use a physical board or a digital app to collect images, quotes, and symbols that represent your joint aspirations, values, and non-negotiables. This can help make abstract concepts tangible and serve as a daily reminder of your common path.
- Start a "values-based decision journal" to document and reflect on how you and your partner's choices align with your core values. Whenever you make significant decisions, write down the values that guided you and discuss how these choices reinforce your shared goals. This practice can enhance mutual understanding and guide future decisions.
- Organize a monthly "service date" where you and your partner volunteer together at a local charity or community project. This shared experience of giving back can strengthen your bond, align you with a purpose of service, and create meaningful memories that contribute to a profound sense of joy in your relationship.
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Relationship Readiness and Vision
Lewis Howes and Stephen Chandler discuss the significance of having a clear vision for your relationship and how it can steer your dating life towards more meaningful connections.
Establish a Clear Vision for Your Ideal Relationship and Partner Before Dating
Before entering the dating world, one should have a clear image of the marriage they wish to build. Stephen Chandler advises asking yourself what your "final destination" looks like, covering aspects such as financial, romantic, and communicative life.
Core Values, Goals, and Non-negotiables for a Long-Term Relationship
Chandler insists on the necessity to establish a vision for your ideal relationship, including core values, goals, and non-negotiables. Without this vision, Lewis Howes adds, one might end up with a variety of undesired outcomes. The two stress the importance of evaluating potential partners on more than just sexual intimacy, aiming for long-term compatibility in values and the ability to support each other's growth.
Lewis Howes knew he had found the right partner when he realized she fit into his vision, having the qualities necessary to co-parent in the event of his absence. Chandler quotes his mother’s advice to select a partner who would be a good co-parent, hinting at the significance of shared values and stable personalities.
Avoid Relationships That Don't Align With Your Vision, Even if They're Briefly Attractive
Chandler emphasizes the importance of choosing a partner who fits into your established vision and not trying to change someone into what they're not. He promotes the idea of having potential partners vetted by trusted friends and community members.
Deeper compatibility such as shared visions and goals should outweigh temporary attractions. Chandler warns against trusting your own judgment in the early stages of a relationship due to potential blindness from attraction. The speakers agree to not waste time on relationships that diverge from one's envisioned path of a long-term partnership.
Avoid Relationships Not Leading To Marriage
For those who vie ...
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Relationship Readiness and Vision
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Counterarguments
- Not everyone may agree with the idea of having a rigid vision for a relationship, as relationships can evolve and change over time, and flexibility can be key to adapting to life's unpredictabilities.
- Some individuals may find that defining non-negotiables too strictly could potentially limit their dating pool and cause them to miss out on meaningful connections with people who may not initially seem to fit their criteria.
- The concept of evaluating potential partners based on long-term compatibility might not account for the fact that people grow and change, and what seems like compatibility now may not hold true in the future.
- The recommendation to have potential partners vetted by friends and community members could be seen as intrusive and may not always be practical or desirable, especially in more private or independent cultures.
- Prioritizing shared visions and goals over temporary attractions could lead to overlooking the importance of physical and emotional chemistry in a relationship.
- The advice to avoid relationships that don't align with a long-term partnership vision may not acknowledge the value of short-term relationships in personal growth and understanding what one truly wants in a partner.
- The notion that dating should only be viewed as a spouse-finding process might be too limiting for some, as individuals may seek different experiences and lessons from dating th ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship resume" to clarify and communicate your vision and values to potential partners. Just like a job resume, this document would outline your relationship goals, core values, and non-negotiables. Share this with someone you're dating to foster transparency and determine compatibility.
- Develop a "values-based dating plan" that includes activities aligned with your core values. For instance, if environmental consciousness is a core value, plan dates that involve volunteering for a clean-up or visiting a sustainability expo. This helps assess shared values in action.
- Start a "rela ...
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The Role of Faith/Spirituality in Relationships
Stephen Chandler discusses the complex interplay between faith, spirituality, and the successful dynamics of romantic partnerships.
Shared Faith: Foundation For Thriving Marriage
Chandler explores the notion that shared faith can act as a sturdy foundation for a thriving marital relationship.
Faith Provides Peace, Comfort, and Purpose for Selfless, Sacrificial Love in a Relationship
While not explicitly mentioned in the transcript provided, Chandler notes that having God at the center of a relationship can instill the selfless, sacrificial love necessary for a healthy partnership. He references a Bible verse that suggests prioritizing others' needs above your own, when you have found love, joy, peace, and comfort in God. This principle is seen as vital to a thriving relationship by promoting a focus on what one can give rather than receive.
Shared Faith Isn't Enough - Partners Need Compatible Values, Communication, and Growth Willingness
He also acknowledges that it’s difficult but not impossible for relationships to flourish without God at the center. A spiritual deficit may lead individuals to seek fulfillment from their partner, which can potentially 'bankrupt' the relationship. However, shared faith alone is not sufficient for marital success; partners must have compatible values, effective communication, and a willingness to grow ...
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The Role of Faith/Spirituality in Relationships
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Counterarguments
- Shared faith may not always be necessary for a thriving marital relationship, as couples with different spiritual beliefs or none at all can also build strong, successful partnerships based on mutual respect and shared secular values.
- While faith can provide peace and purpose, selfless and sacrificial love can also be motivated by secular humanistic values, ethical principles, or other philosophical beliefs that emphasize empathy and altruism.
- Compatible values and effective communication are crucial for a successful relationship, but these do not necessarily have to be rooted in shared faith; they can also stem from shared life experiences, mutual interests, and a commitment to understanding each other's perspectives.
- Relationships can thrive without a strong spiritual foundation if partners find common ground in ...
Actionables
- Create a "values vision board" with your partner to visually represent shared beliefs and aspirations. Sit down together and cut out images, phrases, or words from magazines or print them from online sources that resonate with your joint values, especially those rooted in faith. This activity not only fosters a deeper understanding of each other's spiritual and moral compass but also serves as a daily reminder of your common ground.
- Start a weekly "growth date" where you and your partner dedicate time to discuss personal and spiritual development. Choose a quiet spot, perhaps over a cup of coffee or during a walk, and talk about what you've each learned that week, how you've grown, and ways you can support each other's journey. This practice encourages open communication and a commitment to grow together, aligning with the idea that willingness to grow is key to relationship success.
- Develop a "relationship ...
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Gender Dynamics and Expectations in Marriage
Stephen Chandler and Lewis Howes discuss the traditional roles and responsibilities attributed to husbands and wives in a marriage, emphasizing the importance of mutual support, shared vision, and adaptability.
Husband's Roles: Provider, Protector, Family Visionary
Chandler shares his perspective on the expected roles of a husband in marriage regarding provision, protection, and setting a vision for the family.
Ensure Family's Basic Needs Met
Chandler asserts that it's the man's job to ensure that the family has the basic necessities, like shelter and food. This remains true regardless of the wife’s employment status or earnings. He emphasizes the need for physical and emotional protection, noting that even internet threats must be countered. Lewis Howes also touches on this topic, speaking to the importance of trusting his partner to provide for their children and potentially their marriage.
Lead Family With Vision; Open to Wife's Input
Chandler mentions that the husband should serve as the family's visionary, deciding the course for things like the family, finances, children, and their education. However, he acknowledges that this might attract criticism and notes the sensitivity of the subject. He suggests that women may feel compelled to lead out of necessity if their male partners will not.
Chandler also emphasizes that while he believes in the man setting a direction for the family, it should be a joint effort with the wife's input. Partners need to have mutual agreement on the vision and consider each other's perspectives and talents in decision-making.
Wife's Roles: Nurture, Support, Prophetic Voice
While specific roles of the wife were not directly mentioned in the provided content, the discussion implies certain expectations and responsibilities.
Chandler indicates that part of the wife's role is to support the husband's mission for the family, implying she should encourage and help realize the family's vision. At times, this may mean questioning the husband's decisions to ensure their soundness, equating this to watching his back.
The discussion suggests that a wife may choose to marry a man who has a vision but lacks financial me ...
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Gender Dynamics and Expectations in Marriage
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Counterarguments
- The roles described may reinforce traditional gender stereotypes, which can limit individual freedom and expression for both men and women.
- The idea that the husband must always be the provider and protector can put undue pressure on men and may not align with the skills and desires of every individual.
- The concept of the husband as the primary visionary can undermine the importance of equal partnership in marriage and the value of the wife's aspirations and goals.
- The wife's role as primarily supportive and nurturing can perpetuate the notion that women's contributions outside of emotional support and child-rearing are secondary or less valuable.
- The emphasis on adaptability for the wife might suggest that her career and personal goals should always take a backseat to the husband's vision, which could be seen as unfair or unequal.
- The roles discussed may not be inclusive of non-traditional family structures, such as those with same-sex parents, single parents, or where the wi ...
Actionables
- Create a shared vision board with your spouse to visually represent your family's goals and aspirations. By selecting images and phrases that resonate with both of you, you can create a tangible representation of the direction you want your family to head in. This activity encourages open communication and ensures that both partners contribute to the family's vision. For example, if one of you dreams of traveling, include pictures of destinations you'd like to visit, or if education is a priority, add symbols representing learning and growth.
- Schedule regular "mission check-ins" with your spouse to discuss how well you're aligning with your family's mission and to address any new challenges or opportunities. These check-ins can be informal conversations over dinner or structured meetings once a month. Use this time to celebrate successes, like achieving a financial goal, and to strategize on how to better support each other, such as taking turns with childcare to allow for personal development time.
- Develop a "family encouragement jar" where ...
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Maintaining a Healthy, Thriving Relationship
Howes and Chandler discuss strategies for maintaining a healthy and thriving relationship by focusing on communication, meaningful experiences, and service to others.
Avoid Petty Conflicts and Trivial "World War III" Arguments
Pick Battles Wisely; Don't Let Small Disagreements Escalate
Howes suggests that minor disagreements should not be allowed to become major conflicts. He mentions his commitment to not getting upset or angry with his partner over her personality or small disagreements, which can be deemed as a strategy to avoid unnecessary conflicts over insignificant issues.
Focus On What Matters in Life and Marriage
Acknowledging the core values and non-negotiable aspects of a relationship is crucial, as is the acceptance of a partner’s being. Avoiding attempts to change one's partner and focusing on what truly matters in life and marriage, such as core values and common goals, is suggested by Chandler as a means to keep the relationship strong and forward-moving.
Make Meaningful Memories and Experiences Together
Celebrate Small Wins, Not Just Big Achievements
Chandler regrets the lost opportunities to create memories with his wife and emphasizes the need to be present and enjoy the moments in the present rather than constantly pushing towards a goal. He advises enjoying life's journey and stopping to celebrate even minor achievements instead of only focusing on significant ones. Chandler also advocates making moments and celebrating personal success with loved ones, rather than on social media, to enhance the joy of success by sharing it within the relationship.
Lewis Howes talks about the concept of "memory dividends" from the book "Die with Zero," emphasizing the importance of being present and creating moments that can be cherished later in life. Celebrating and recognizing successes together is highlighted as an integral part ...
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Maintaining a Healthy, Thriving Relationship
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Counterarguments
- While minor disagreements should not escalate, it's important to address underlying issues rather than dismiss them, as unresolved issues can lead to resentment over time.
- Acknowledging core values is important, but flexibility and growth within a relationship are also necessary, as individuals and relationships evolve.
- Focusing on what truly matters is subjective, and couples may have different perspectives on what is important, necessitating ongoing dialogue and compromise.
- Celebrating small wins is valuable, but it's also important to maintain a balance and not overlook the significance of working towards and achieving larger goals.
- Being present is crucial, but planning for the future and setting goals is also important for the long-term health and stability of a relationship.
- Celebrating personal success with loved ones is meaningful, but it's also healthy for individuals to have their own space and recognition outside of the relationship.
- Creating cherished moments is beneficial, but it's also important to recognize that not all valuable experiences are joyful or celebratory; challenges can also strengthen relationships.
- Serving others without expecting anything in return is noble, but it's also important for individua ...
Actionables
- You can defuse potential arguments by setting up a "cool-off" corner in your home where anyone can take a break during heated moments. This space should be comfortable and stocked with calming items like stress balls, soothing music, or a journal to write down thoughts. The rule is simple: if a discussion gets too intense, anyone can call a timeout to retreat to this corner, ensuring minor disagreements don't blow up.
- Create a "memory jar" where you and your partner or family members can drop notes of small victories or happy moments throughout the week. At the end of the month, have a "celebration dinner" where you empty the jar and read all the notes together, acknowledging and celebrating each other's successes and the shared experiences that have brought jo ...
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