How To Believe You Are Worthy Of The Love You Desire | Jillian Turecki
What does it take to build a successful relationship? In this episode of The School of Greatness podcast, host Lewis Howes and relationship coach Jillian Turecki explore the characteristics that differentiate healthy and unhealthy partnerships. They discuss the psychological factors, such as low self-worth and unrealistic expectations, that can trap individuals in unfulfilling relationships.
The conversation then shifts to the importance of self-awareness, personal growth, and effective communication in fostering supportive, long-term bonds. Turecki and Howes emphasize key components like shared values, preserving autonomy, and navigating conflicts with empathy. Ultimately, the episode guides listeners in recognizing their worth and cultivating the emotional maturity needed for truly fulfilling relationships.
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1-Page Summary
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics
Healthy Partnerships
Jillian Turecki emphasizes being real with your partner by revealing struggles like anxiety. She says healthy relationships involve mutual investment, curiosity, and care with efforts to understand each other. Lewis Howes adds that healthy reactions involve discussing concerns together to build mutually. Turecki notes accepting your partner for who they are is vital.
Unhealthy Partnerships
Turecki describes the sting of a partner concealing their true self. She notes emotional unavailability hinders deep relationships. Howes says resentment stems from lack of appreciation. Poor communication, using sex to smooth issues temporarily, and withdrawing during stress are also unhealthy signs according to Turecki.
The Psychology Behind Staying In Unhealthy Relationships
Low Self-Worth
Turecki explains low self-worth from emotionally unavailable parents can lead to tolerating poor treatment due to feeling undeserving of more. She says confronting fears around being enough can help.
Belief in Change
Turecki suggests people stay attached to their partner's initial "amazing self" potential. She says some have a savior complex thinking they can inspire change.
Self-Awareness, Growth, and Healing
Self-Awareness Aids Communication
Howes and Turecki agree self-aware people who recognize emotional patterns communicate and set boundaries better in relationships.
Personal Growth Fosters Fulfillment
Turecki emphasizes growth and healing develop emotional maturity for supportive partnerships that can navigate challenges with compassion and compromise. Howes stresses focusing on mutual long-term growth.
Key Components of Successful Relationships
Effective Communication
Turecki highlights speaking truth, open conversations, active listening, and empathetic conflict resolution as communication pillars.
Shared Values and Vision
Howes underscores shared values and aligning long-term visions aids commitment. Couples therapy can help, per Turecki.
Preserving Autonomy
Turecki advises maintaining individual interests and friendships to uphold identity and avoid codependency.
1-Page Summary
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Actionables
- Create a "relationship growth journal" where you and your partner can write down your feelings, concerns, and appreciations for each other weekly. This practice encourages open communication and helps both partners understand each other's emotional states, fostering a deeper connection. For example, you might write about a time your partner showed care, and your partner might write about something they learned about you that week.
- Develop a "fear-facing" habit by setting aside time each week to reflect on personal fears related to self-worth and jot down small, actionable steps to confront them. This could be as simple as affirming your value in a mirror, trying something that scares you, or reaching out to a friend for a confidence boost. Over time, this can help improve self-esteem and reduce the likelihood of tolerating poor treatment in relationships.
- Initiate a monthly "values check-in" with your partner to discuss and align your long-term visions and ensure you're both on the same page. During these check-ins, talk about your individual goals, shared dreams, and how you can support each other in achieving them. For instance, if you both value travel, you might plan a trip together or if you value education, you might discuss books you've read and share insights.
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Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics
Understanding the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics can significantly impact one’s romantic life. Jillian Turecki and Lewis Howes explore the intricate nuances of what creates a strong partnership versus what leads relationships down a path of deterioration.
Healthy Partnerships Involve Mutual Investment, Curiosity, and Care, With Efforts to Understand and Support Each Other
A relationship built on mutual investment and understanding is marked by genuine interest and time spent together. Partners invest energy by engaging in each other's lives, learning about each other's past, hobbies, and what makes them tick. Turecki emphasizes the importance of being real with your partner, including revealing one's struggles, such as anxiety or depression, and the systems one has to manage them. She suggests being upfront about one's issues early to form a solid foundation for support and understanding.
Healthy relationships are also about mutual effort. Turecki notes that a healthy reaction to potential red flags is for partners to sit down, discuss their concerns, and see if there’s potential to build together. She advises against taking each other for granted, which is inherent in keeping the curiosity alive and consistently showing appreciation. Howes concurs, extending on the point that care and investment should prevent behavior like ghosting, and instead encourage connectivity, responsiveness, and participation in each other's social circles.
Another facet of a robust partnership, according to Turecki, is accepting one's partner for who they are, rather than focusing on their potential. Howes adds that it involves acknowledging and accepting the past experiences that have shaped the person they are today.
Unhealthy Partnerships May Start Strong but Deteriorate With Emotional Unavailability, Poor Communication, or Lack of Appreciation
On the flip side, the deterioration of relationships often begins with a lack of authenticity and emotional availability. Turecki describes the sting when, months into a relationship, one discovers that a partner is not presenting their true selves. She points out the perils of emotional unavailability and how it hinders the formation of deep, mutually supportive relationships.
Howes expresses that resentment can stem from one partner taking the other for granted, failing to show appreciation for their efforts. He believes that something as simple as a lack of acknowledgment can have a significant negative impact on the relationship dynamics.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships: Effort to Maintain Connection
The successful maintenance of a relationship is predicated on the efforts of both individuals. Good partners proactively strive to meet each other’s needs, communicate effectively, and invest continual work into their relationship. Turecki highlights the im ...
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Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics
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Clarifications
- Emotional unavailability in relationships typically involves one partner being unable or unwilling to fully engage emotionally with the other. This can manifest as a lack of openness, vulnerability, or emotional connection, leading to feelings of distance and dissatisfaction. It often hinders the development of deep, meaningful bonds and can create a sense of loneliness or neglect within the relationship. Addressing emotional unavailability requires open communication, mutual understanding, and a willingness from both partners to work towards building a more emotionally fulfilling connection.
- Using sex to temporarily smooth over issues in a relationship can involve engaging in sexual intimacy as a way to temporarily distract from or avoid addressing underlying problems or conflicts within the relationship. This behavior can create a temporary sense of closeness or connection but does not address the root causes of the issues. It can lead to a cycle where problems are not effectively resolved, potentially causing further strain on the relationship over time. This approach may hinder genuine communication and problem-solving, as it focuses on a temporary fix rather than addressing the deeper issues at hand.
- Contempt in a relationship is a destructive emotion that involves feeling superior to one's partner, often accompanied by a lack of respect and a sense of disdain. It goes beyond simple disagreements and can lead to a breakdown in communication and emotional connection. Contempt can manifest through behaviors like eye-rolling, sarcasm, or insults, indicating a deep-seated negative view of ...
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The Psychology Behind Staying In Unhealthy Relationships
Individuals often remain in dysfunctional relationships due to complex psychological dynamics. Lewis Howes and Jillian Turecki discuss the factors contributing to this pattern, ranging from low self-worth to a savior complex.
Low Self-Worth May Lead Individuals to Remain In Dysfunctional Relationships Out of Belief They Deserve No Better or Fear of Loneliness
Emotionally Unavailable Parents Can Lead To Tolerating Poor Treatment From Partners
Lewis Howes shares his personal struggles in relationships, hinting at possible low self-worth contributions to staying in those relationships. Jillian Turecki also touches on this by stating that individuals might stay due to self-worth issues, naive beliefs about love, or a lack of understanding of proper treatment in partnerships. An individual's familiarity with unhealthy relationships, possibly observed in their parents' dynamics, may lead to a lack of recognition of their self-worth and a pattern of tolerating poor treatment from partners. Turecki specifically points out how a woman's experience with an emotionally unavailable father could lead to her tolerating a similar lack of emotional availability in her partners. This indicates a cycle where a person stays in an unhealthy relationship, possibly because they had an emotionally unavailable parent.
Turecki underscores the connection between self-respect and the tendency to stay with a person who does not treat them well. She explains that an individual may obsess over their partner leaving because of low self-worth, which signals deep fear and a sense of undeservability. Additionally, Turecki admits to recognizing issues in her relationship before marriage but still proceeding due to the fear of confrontation. Some individuals sabotage relationships as they progress because they fear intimacy may lead to rejection or the discovery that they are not enough for their partner.
Belief in Partner Change Keeps People In Unhealthy Relationships
Savior Complex Driven by Need to Be Needed and Avoid Relationship Incompatibility
Despite Turecki not addressing the belief in partner change directly, she suggests that individuals remain attached to the potential they saw at the relationship's beginning. This fixation on a partner's "original" amazing self can prompt people to reflect on their shortcomings to explain their partner's negative behaviors. Turecki di ...
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The Psychology Behind Staying In Unhealthy Relationships
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Counterarguments
- While low self-worth may contribute to staying in dysfunctional relationships, it's not the only factor; some individuals may stay due to practical reasons such as financial dependency, children, or social pressures.
- Not all individuals who experience emotionally unavailable parents will tolerate poor treatment from partners; some may become more resilient or seek out healthier relationships as a result of their upbringing.
- The idea that familiarity with unhealthy relationships affects tolerance for poor treatment can be overly deterministic; people have the capacity for growth and change, and can learn to set boundaries despite their past experiences.
- Linking self-respect solely to relationship dynamics oversimplifies the concept; self-respect can be influenced by a variety of life experiences and personal achievements outside of romantic relationships.
- The fear of confrontation can be a factor in ignoring relationship issues, but it's also possible that some individuals may have a higher threshold for conflict or believe that certain issues can be resolved over time without confrontation.
- The belief in a partner's potential for change is not always misplaced; people can and do change, and relationships can improve with effort and support.
- The savior complex is not inherently negative; in some cases, the desire to help or support a partner can lead to positive outcomes if it's balanced with healthy boundaries and mutual respect.
- Entering a relationship with the aim to make ...
Actionables
- You can start a self-worth journal to track moments of self-appreciation and personal boundaries. Each day, write down three things you value about yourself and one boundary you upheld. This practice helps reinforce your self-worth and reminds you of your right to healthy relationships. For example, you might note your kindness, your work ethic, and your ability to listen, along with a boundary you maintained by saying no to an unreasonable request.
- Create a "relationship resume" to objectively assess your past and current relationships. On a piece of paper, list the qualities of each significant relationship, including how they made you feel and how you responded to conflict. This can help you identify patterns, such as consistently avoiding confrontation or hoping for change in a partner. Seeing these patterns laid out can prompt you to seek healthier dynamics in future relationships.
- Engage in role-play exercises with a trusted friend to practice confrontation in a ...
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Self-Awareness, Growth, and Healing in Relationships
In discussing the crucial components of healthy and fulfilling relationships, Howes and Turecki emphasize the importance of self-awareness, growth, and healing.
Self-Aware, Resilient, Whole Individuals Form Healthy, Fulfilling Partnerships
Self-Awareness Helps Recognize Triggers, Emotional Patterns, and Attachment Styles, Aiding Communication and Boundary-Setting In Relationships
Howes and Turecki concur that self-aware individuals who recognize their triggers, emotional patterns, and attachment styles are more adept at communication and setting healthy boundaries in relationships. Howes reflects on his need to become a more whole person to form a healthy partnership, while Turecki touches on the idea that unrealistic expectations can lead to relationship breakdowns. She implies that individuals must be in touch with their own value to form partnerships rather than "rescue" projects. Howes affirms this, noting that as he became more internally whole, his self-worth increased. Jillian Turecki suggests that friendship is vital for long-term relationships, alluding to the importance of being whole and resilient individuals. They discuss the importance of accepting one another's pasts as part of a healthy relationship and advise that being less judgmental starts with self-awareness.
Personal Growth and Healing Develop Emotional Maturity for Supportive Partnerships
Couples Focused On Personal and Mutual Growth Better Navigate Challenges With Compassion, Compromise, and a Shared Long-Term Vision
Turecki and Howes discuss the importance of growth and healing for emotional maturity in partnerships. Turecki mentions that difficult tasks build wholeness and self-esteem, and making choices that go against previous patterns can help one transcend limitations. She emphasizes that healing leads to feeling more whole and centered, contributing to fulfilling relationships. Moreover, Turecki advises that self-soothing strategies are necessary to maintain wholeness and self-worth outside the partnership. Turecki also points out that choosing a supportive partner who understands one's emotional patterns is essential for relationship health and personal wellbeing. They advise to center and reorient oneself to perceive the partner as they are.
Howes mentions that a mutual de ...
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Self-Awareness, Growth, and Healing in Relationships
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a "relationship growth journal" where you and your partner can write down personal insights, emotional triggers, and growth goals to foster open communication and self-awareness. By regularly updating this journal, you both can track progress, understand each other's emotional patterns, and set clear boundaries. For example, after a disagreement, each of you could write about what you felt, why you think you felt that way, and how you both can support each other to overcome similar issues in the future.
- Develop a "past acceptance pact" with your partner, where you both commit to sharing and accepting one aspect of your pasts each week. This could be done through a dedicated conversation, a shared meal, or a walk where you both take turns. The aim is to build trust and understanding by acknowledging that past experiences shape who you are today. For instance, you might share a story from your childhood that influenced your approach to conflict, and your partner does the same, leading to a deeper understanding of each other's reactions and behaviors.
- Initiate a monthly "self-care and decision-making" day where you focus on activities that enhance your well-bein ...
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Key Components for a Successful Relationship
Effective Communication: Active Listening, Honesty, and Expressing Needs and Boundaries Are Pillars of Healthy Relationships
Speaking one's truth is critical in relationships, demonstrates honesty and allows for expressing needs and boundaries. Howes admits to previously lacking this component, leading to relationship issues. Open conversations and active listening are fundamental for handling conflicts empathetically, as noted by Turecki. She emphasizes improving communication skills through learning and practice – using books or therapy as tools. Being attuned to non-verbal cues is also vital.
Turecki underlines the importance of not changing your partner or overexerting yourself to be acknowledged. Effective communication involves active choices and recognizing personal identity. Addressing stress and resentment through honest expression of feelings is essential in healthy dynamics. Partners should learn to express needs properly and provide emotional safety within communication, which includes handling issues like asking for space empathetically.
Shared Values and Vision Align Relationships for Long-Term Success
Howes discusses the importance of genuinely liking a partner and shared values, essential in moving beyond the honeymoon phase towards long-term commitment. Turecki stresses the effectiveness of preventative couples therapy to align hopes and expectations. Shared values and vision are critical, and the willingness to engage in couples therapy or activities like tantra workshops can help bond and deepen a relationship. ...
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Key Components for a Successful Relationship
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Counterarguments
- While expressing needs and boundaries is important, it's also necessary to be receptive to compromise and understand that some boundaries may be negotiable in a partnership.
- Active listening is crucial, but it should be noted that understanding does not always lead to agreement; couples may need to accept differing viewpoints.
- Improving communication skills is essential, but it's also important to recognize that not all communication issues can be resolved through learning and practice; some may stem from deeper incompatibilities.
- Non-verbal cues are important, but over-reliance on them can lead to misinterpretation; clear verbal communication should not be undervalued.
- While it's important not to try to change your partner, personal growth and change are natural, and relationships may need to adapt to these changes over time.
- Honest expression of feelings is essential, but it should be balanced with tact and consideration for the partner's feelings to avoid unnecessary hurt.
- Shared values and vision are important, but too much emphasis on alignment might overlook the benefits of diversity and the enrichment that comes from different perspectives.
- Preventative coupl ...
Actionables
- You can enhance your ability to express needs by starting a personal "needs journal." Each day, write down one need you have and how you can communicate it effectively to others. This practice will help you become more aware of your needs and develop the language to express them clearly.
- Develop your non-verbal communication skills by practicing in front of a mirror. Set aside 10 minutes daily to simulate a conversation with yourself, focusing on your facial expressions, gestures, and posture. This self-observation will help you become more conscious of the non-verbal signals you send during interactions.
- Create a "relationship roadmap" with your par ...
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