"Why You're SABOTAGING Your Love Life" - The Neuroscience of Attraction Revealed
The modern digital landscape, namely social media, contributes to the spread of narcissism. On this episode of The School of Greatness, guests explore the psychology and neuroscience behind attraction and relationships.
Matthew Hussey, Nick Viall, and others discuss how self-acceptance and vulnerability foster authenticity in dating. They share strategies for avoiding endless optimization and instead committing to growth within partnerships. The guests advise defining clear relationship purposes and values.
Tara Swart Bieber also explains how our inner wounds shape attractions. Biological factors, like testosterone and oxytocin levels, influence men and women in relationships differently. Overall, the episode provides insight into self-love's role for healthier connection and intimacy.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Oct 11, 2024 episode of the The School of Greatness
Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.
1-Page Summary
The psychology and neuroscience of relationships and attraction
Our inner wounds shape our attractions and interactions
Tara Swart Bieber explains that our "inner child" and repressed aspects (our "shadow") drive us to unconsciously attract partners with similar psychological wounds. As we heal, we may grow apart from partners who haven't done the same inner work.
Biological factors influencing men and women in relationships
Women tend to be biologically wired for longer-term, monogamous relationships, per Swart Bieber. Meanwhile, becoming a father decreases [restricted term] and increases [restricted term] in men, rewiring their brains for bonding and commitment. Women are more attracted to higher [restricted term] men when fertile, but prefer lower [restricted term] at other times.
The role of self-love and self-acceptance in relationships
Self-acceptance allows you to accept love from others
Matthew Hussey and Nick Viall note that without self-love, it's difficult to accept love and compliments from others, leading to doubt and feelings of unworthiness. Judging yourself harshly makes it harder to have compassion for others' flaws.
Self-compassion fosters authenticity and vulnerability
Embracing oneself leads to authentic connections, per Hussey. Being open about flaws and listening closely to a partner creates intimacy. Viall adds that accepting yourself as you are, instead of trying to "fix" yourself, allows for true partnership.
Relationship advice and strategies
Avoid seeking perpetual novelty and "perfection"
Hussey advises against constantly optimizing for a "perfect" new partner. Committing to making a relationship great is often more fulfilling than chasing something "better." Definitions around commitment shape whether you approach relationships with a growth mindset.
Be intentional about your purpose and values
Viall stresses understanding why you're dating and what you want, not just chasing short-term excitement. He prioritizes emotional vulnerability and mutual growth over superficial compatibility. Hussey echoes making an intentional choice to invest in the relationship.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The concept of the "inner child" and the "shadow" in relationships suggests that our past experiences and suppressed emotions from childhood influence our adult behaviors and choices in partners. The "inner child" represents our vulnerable and authentic self from childhood, while the "shadow" encompasses the repressed or hidden aspects of our personality. When unresolved issues from our past remain unaddressed, we may unconsciously seek out partners who reflect similar emotional wounds, as we are drawn to what feels familiar, even if it is detrimental to our well-being. Healing and self-awareness can help us break this pattern by allowing us to recognize and address these underlying issues, leading to healthier relationship dynamics.
- [restricted term] is a hormone linked to traits like aggression and libido, while [restricted term] is associated with bonding and social behavior. In men, becoming a father typically lowers [restricted term] levels and increases [restricted term], promoting bonding and commitment. Women may be more attracted to men with higher [restricted term] levels when fertile, but prefer lower levels at other times. These hormonal influences can play a role in shaping behaviors and preferences in relationships.
- Becoming a father can lead to a decrease in [restricted term] levels and an increase in [restricted term] in men. This hormonal shift is believed to promote bonding and commitment behaviors in fathers. [restricted term] is often referred to as the "love hormone" and is associated with social bonding and attachment. This biological change can influence men's emotional and behavioral responses, fostering stronger connections with their children and partners.
- Self-acceptance involves acknowledging and embracing all aspects of oneself, including flaws and imperfections. Self-love is the practice of caring for and valuing oneself unconditionally. When individuals have self-acceptance and self-love, they are more open to receiving love and compliments from others, as they believe they are deserving of such affection. This interconnectedness fosters healthier relationships built on mutual respect and understanding.
- Judging oneself harshly can lead to a lack of self-compassion. When individuals are overly critical of themselves, they often struggle to extend understanding and empathy towards others. This self-criticism can create a barrier to recognizing and accepting imperfections in others, hindering the development of compassion for their flaws. By fostering self-compassion and acceptance, individuals can cultivate a more empathetic and forgiving attitude towards both themselves and others.
- Self-compassion in relationships involves accepting oneself with kindness and understanding, which allows for genuine connections. By embracing one's imperfections and vulnerabilities, individuals can create a space for authenticity and intimacy with their partners. This self-acceptance encourages open communication and a deeper level of trust within the relationship, fostering a sense of security and emotional connection.
- The advice to avoid seeking perpetual novelty and "perfection" in relationships suggests that constantly looking for something new or flawless can hinder the depth and growth of a relationship. It emphasizes the importance of committing to improving and nurturing an existing relationship rather than always seeking something better. This approach values the journey of building a strong connection over the pursuit of an idealized, ever-changing partner. It encourages a mindset that prioritizes meaningful connection and personal growth within a relationship.
- Understanding your values and purpose in dating involves being clear about what you seek in a relationship beyond surface-level attractions. It means identifying your long-term goals, emotional needs, and what you truly value in a partner. By being intentional about these aspects, you can align your dating choices with your deeper desires and create more meaningful connections. This approach prioritizes authenticity, emotional compatibility, and mutual growth over fleeting excitement or superficial qualities.
- Prioritizing emotional vulnerability and mutual growth over superficial compatibility in relationships means valuing open communication, sharing feelings, and personal development together more than just having surface-level similarities or shared interests. It involves being willing to be emotionally honest and exposed with your partner, fostering a deeper connection based on understanding and support rather than just common hobbies or external traits. This approach focuses on building a strong foundation rooted in emotional intimacy and a shared commitment to personal and relational growth, which can lead to a more fulfilling and lasting relationship.
Counterarguments
- Biological determinism in relationships is often criticized for oversimplifying complex human behaviors and ignoring cultural, social, and individual differences.
- The concept of the "inner child" and "shadow" driving attractions is a psychological theory that may not have empirical support and could oversimplify the complexity of human relationships.
- The idea that women are biologically wired for monogamy has been contested by anthropological research suggesting that human mating strategies are diverse and influenced by cultural and environmental factors.
- The changes in men's hormonal levels after becoming fathers are not uniform across all individuals, and attributing relationship commitment solely to hormonal changes may overlook the role of personal choice and social factors.
- The notion that self-love is a prerequisite for accepting love from others can be challenged by the perspective that love and acceptance from others can also foster self-love and self-acceptance.
- The advice against seeking novelty and perfection in relationships may not acknowledge that for some individuals, exploration and a desire for change are healthy and necessary for their personal growth.
- The emphasis on self-compassion and authenticity, while generally positive, might not address the complexities of relationships where individual issues are deeply intertwined with relational dynamics.
- The idea of making an intentional choice to invest in a relationship could be seen as overly rational, potentially ignoring the often unpredictable and emotional nature of love and attraction.
- Prioritizing emotional vulnerability and mutual growth may not always be feasible or healthy in all relationships, depending on the dynamics and individual circumstances.
- The advice to be intentional about values and purpose in dating might not resonate with individuals who believe in the spontaneity of love or who find that relationships can evolve in unexpected ways that challenge their initial intentions.
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
The psychology and neuroscience of relationships and attraction
Tara Swart Bieber and Lewis Howes delve into how psychological wounds and biological factors play crucial roles in shaping our attractions and interactions in relationships.
Our psychological wounds and shadows shape who we are attracted to and how we interact in relationships
Swart Bieber articulates the profound impact that our inner child and repressed aspects of ourselves, termed as the "shadow," have on our adult relationships.
Our inner child and repressed aspects of ourselves (our "shadow") lead us to unconsciously attract and connect with people at the same level of psychological wounding
This shadow is formed when parts of our personality are hidden in childhood to retain the love of caregivers. Swart Bieber indicates that we are drawn to partners with similar levels of emotional scarring, as these wounds unconsciously drive our behaviors as adults.
As we heal and grow, we may grow apart from partners who haven't done the same inner work
Swart Bieber also posits that personal growth can lead to a divergence in relationships if one partner heals from their psychological wounds while the other does not. Echoing this notion, Howes outlines the likelihood of detaching from those who do not partake in a similar journey of healing and growth.
The biological and evolutionary factors that influence how men and women approach love and relationships
Swart Bieber discusses the evolutionary and biological predispositions influencing how men and women perceive love and engagement in relationships.
Women tend to be more biologically wired for long-term, monogamous relationships due to evolutionary factors like needing protection and help with childcare
She explains that, historically, women's dependence on men for protection and resources has wired them to favor long-term, monogamous partnerships.
Men's brains can be "rewired" toward bonding and commitment after becoming fathers, as [restricted term] decreases and [restricted term] increases
Swart Bieber further reveals how men's brains adapt once they become fathers. [restricted term] increases, rewiring the brain towards bonding and reducing the competitive drive fueled by [restricted term]. Furthermore, the mere presence of a baby can significantly reduce a father’s [restricted term] levels while elevating [restricted term], intensifyi ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The psychology and neuroscience of relationships and attraction
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The concept of the "shadow" and its impact on attraction is based on Jungian psychology, which is not universally accepted or empirically validated; other psychological theories may not emphasize or even recognize the concept of the shadow.
- The idea that we are attracted to people with similar levels of emotional scarring is an oversimplification and does not account for the myriad factors that influence attraction, including personal preferences, social influences, and chance.
- Personal growth can sometimes strengthen relationships when partners are supportive of each other's development, rather than leading to divergence.
- The assertion that women are biologically wired for long-term, monogamous relationships is a generalization and may overlook the significant cultural and individual variability in relationship preferences and styles.
- The idea that men's brains are "rewired" after becoming fathers is a simplification of complex hormonal and neurobiological processes, and not all men experience the same changes to the same extent.
- Attraction to men with higher [restricted term] levels during fertile periods is a contested hypothesis known as the ovulatory shift hypothesis, and some studies have ...
Actionables
- Explore your attraction patterns by journaling about past relationships to identify common emotional themes. Write down the traits of people you've been attracted to and any recurring emotional dynamics that played out in those relationships. This can help you understand if there's a pattern tied to your psychological wounds or shadows. For example, if you notice you're often drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, this could reflect an inner aspect of yourself that resonates with that unavailability.
- Create a "relationship growth pact" with your partner to encourage mutual personal development. Sit down together and discuss areas where each of you wants to grow or heal. Set goals and check in regularly on your progress. This could involve reading books on personal development, attending workshops, or even seeking therapy together. The key is to make it a shared journey, which can help prevent growing apart due to one partner's growth.
- Experiment with delaying ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
The role of self-love and self-acceptance in relationships
Matthew Hussey and Nick Viall explore the profound impact of self-love and self-acceptance on one's relationships, highlighting the connection between personal compassion and the health of interpersonal connections.
Accepting and loving yourself is key to being able to truly accept love from others
Hussey speaks to the heart of the issue, stating that without self-love and genuine belief in one’s own worth, it can be difficult to accept love and compliments from others. This disbelief can trigger a cycle, where positive attention leads to doubt and negative feelings—a "hangover" of unworthiness.
Similarly, Viall ties the inability to accept love to a fear of abandonment, showing how underlying personal fears can inhibit the robust engagement in relationships. He stresses that when someone lacks self-esteem, they might dismiss love as deceit, continually doubting the sincerity of others.
Judging and being ashamed of your own flaws makes it harder to have compassion for the flaws in others
Viall reveals his concerns over passing on anxieties to his daughter, illuminating the critical nature of dealing with one's issues to nurture healthy relationships. His ambitions for his daughter to recognize her worth and not to seek love to fill a void show the relevance of self-compassion in fostering self-worth in others.
Hussey and Viall both understand the importance of self-compassion in their abilities to be compassionate towards others’ flaws, with Hussey noting that sharing insecurities can foster connections and provide others the opportunity to show compassion.
Developing self-compassion allows you to be more vulnerable and authentic in relationships
With Hussey’s shift from impressing others to seeking genuine connections, he underlines that embracing oneself leads to authentic friendships and love. Acknowledging personal flaws to your partner is an act of vulnerability that can strengthen the connection and lead to deeper intimacy.
Viall echoes this sentiment by discussing his openness about disorganization and his difficulty changing certain habits. He emphasizes the importance of being present and attentive in a relationship—listening closely to a partner’s needs is vital for developing intimacy and deeper connection.
Ac ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The role of self-love and self-acceptance in relationships
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While self-love and self-acceptance are important, relationships also require mutual respect, communication, and compromise, which are not solely dependent on one's level of self-compassion.
- It's possible to be overly self-accepting to the point of complacency, where one does not strive for personal growth or improvement in behaviors that could be harmful to a relationship.
- Vulnerability and authenticity are valuable, but boundaries are also necessary in relationships; complete openness is not always appropriate and can sometimes lead to oversharing or burdening others with one's issues.
- Accepting oneself does not automatically translate to a successful partnership; relationships involve two individuals, and the compatibility and effort of both parties play significant roles.
- The idea that self-compassion directly leads to better rel ...
Actionables
- Create a self-compassion jar where you write down kind thoughts about yourself every day. Each time you notice a self-critical thought, counteract it by writing a compassionate note to yourself and placing it in the jar. Over time, this will help build a habit of self-kindness and reinforce the idea that you are worthy of love, just as you are.
- Start a 'flawed heroes' journal where you document stories of people you admire who have openly shared and embraced their imperfections. This practice can remind you that flaws are a part of everyone's journey, including those you respect, which can help you foster a more compassionate view of your own flaws and those of others.
- Engage in a 'vulnerability exchange' with a close frie ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Relationship advice and strategies, especially for young people
Matthew Hussey, Nick Viall, and other experts share insights on navigating modern relationships, emphasizing the value of intentional commitment and avoiding the pitfalls of chasing "perfection."
Avoiding the trap of serial dating and constantly "optimizing" for the "perfect" partner
Settling on a partner and committing to making the relationship great is often more fulfilling than constantly seeking something "better"
Matthew Hussey discusses the cycle of single life being dominated by variety, excitement, and the romance of new relationships, which are driven by [restricted term]. He insists that happiness does not lie in this cycle, as it leads to anxiety and uncertainty. Instead, settling down with a partner and committing to make the relationship great can be more fulfilling than always seeking something better. Hussey suggests redefining "settling" in a positive light, emphasizing the importance of commitment and growing the relationship year after year.
Definitions around commitment and relationship goals can heavily influence whether you approach relationships with an open, growth-oriented mindset
Hussey also reflects on people's optimization cycles in their love life, where they continuously search for a perfect partner. He critiques the notion of always chasing something as a personal issue rather than a problem with the people one dates. Hussey and Howes discuss sticking with and improving a relationship as opposed to constantly seeking something new, comparing it to handling business or other ventures.
Furthermore, they highlight that a relationship becomes great not because of a perfect beginning but because it grows over time due to the shared values and growth-oriented approach of both partners. Hussey underscores the different connotations between settling for someone, which can breed passivity and resentment, and settling on someone, which implies a willing choice and dedicated effort to enhance the relationship.
The importance of being intentional about the purpose and values of your relationships
Understanding why you are dating and what you truly want, rather than just chasing short-term validation or excitement
Nick Viall relates to the significance of intentionality in relationships by sharing his personal journey of a failed engagement and the guidance from his grandmother, teaching him that life is not over and that there are several opportunities for love and reinvention ahead. He juxtaposes the short-term thrill of excitement and feeling enough in a new relati ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Relationship advice and strategies, especially for young people
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While committing to a relationship can be fulfilling, it's also important to recognize that not all relationships are worth this commitment, and discernment is necessary to avoid settling in an unhealthy or incompatible partnership.
- The idea of "settling" on a partner might still carry negative connotations for some, suggesting a compromise on one's needs or desires, which could lead to dissatisfaction or regret.
- Definitions around commitment can be subjective and varied; what constitutes a successful relationship can differ greatly from person to person, and not all individuals may prioritize growth-oriented mindsets.
- Understanding why you are dating is important, but people's wants and needs can evolve over time, and what one truly wants may not always be clear or constant.
- Emotional connection and vulnerability are important, but for some individuals or relationships, other factors like shared interests, lifestyles, or intellectual compatibility might be equally or more significant.
- Prioritizing mutual growth is valuable, but it's also esse ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship vision board" to clarify and visualize your commitment goals. Start by gathering images, quotes, and symbols that represent the kind of emotional connection, growth, and experiences you want in a relationship. Place this board somewhere you'll see it daily to remind yourself of your deeper relationship intentions, beyond superficial traits.
- Develop a "dating intention journal" where you write down your reasons for dating and what you're looking for in a partner. Before each date, read through your journal to keep your core values and goals at the forefront of your mind, helping you to focus on finding a partner aligned with your emotional and growth-oriented aspirations.
- Initiate a monthly "growth dat ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Create Summaries for anything on the web
Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser
