Why I STARTED My Relationship In Therapy (Rob Dial Gets Me To OPEN UP About RELATIONSHIPS)
In this episode of The School of Greatness podcast, Lewis Howes opens up about his personal journey of confronting past trauma and cultivating authenticity in his relationships and brand. Howes shares how revealing the sexual abuse he experienced as a child allowed him to forge deeper connections and heal. He discusses the importance of clear communication and establishing intentional frameworks for healthy relationships.
Howes also touches on the evolution of his personal brand. Initially, he avoided the spotlight, but he now recognizes the need to share his own voice and expertise alongside others. As his visibility grows, Howes is mindful of managing his ego and approach to amplify his message while staying grounded and continuing to serve his audience.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Sep 18, 2024 episode of the The School of Greatness
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1-Page Summary
Lewis Howes' Journey of Confronting Shame and Trauma
Revealing His Past Sexual Abuse Enabled Connection and Healing
Lewis Howes kept the sexual abuse he experienced as a child hidden for 25 years, fearing rejection. However, opening up about his traumatic past proved transformative - it allowed him to reclaim his power and form deeper bonds with loved ones, who felt emboldened to share their own struggles with shame.
Addressing Past Issues Unlocked Greater Authenticity
Howes realized he hadn't healed from past traumas hindering his intimacy and ability to feel "enough." By consistently working through these issues via coaching and therapy, he cultivated greater openness and authenticity in his endeavors, aiding his personal growth.
Building Conscious, Aligned Relationships
Courageous Communication is Key
Howes stresses the importance of courageously communicating needs, wants, and fears to prevent toxic buildup like resentment. He advocates being upfront about vulnerabilities from the start.
Intentional Framework for His Relationship with His Fiancée
Howes and his fiancée Martha established clear agreements on values, vision, and boundaries early on. They committed to personal growth, acceptance, and preventive therapy to foster lasting alignment.
Managing His Personal Brand Evolution
Initially Avoided the Spotlight to Highlight Others
Earlier, Howes avoided positioning himself as the expert of his "School of Greatness" brand, preferring to interview and feature other people instead of stepping into the spotlight himself.
Now Embracing Sharing His Own Voice and Wisdom
Howes recognizes the need to share more of his personal expertise after over a decade amplifying others. He is carefully transitioning to more solo content to bring his brand to new heights.
Preparing for Greater Visibility and Managing Growth
As his visibility increases, Howes works with coaches on managing his ego and creating the right partnerships to amplify his message responsibly. He aims to remain humble and in service to others.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While opening up about past traumas can be healing, it is not a universal solution and may not be beneficial for everyone; some individuals may find alternative methods of coping more effective.
- The idea that addressing past traumas always leads to greater authenticity and personal growth can be overly simplistic; some individuals may struggle significantly with these issues despite therapy and coaching.
- Courageous communication is important, but it must be balanced with discretion and timing; not all situations may be appropriate for full disclosure, and some individuals may not be receptive.
- Establishing clear agreements in relationships is helpful, but it can also create rigidity; relationships often require flexibility and the ability to adapt to changing circumstances.
- The transition from highlighting others to focusing on one's own expertise might alienate some followers who were drawn to the original format of Howes' brand.
- Working with coaches to manage ego is a proactive approach, but it assumes that ego can always be managed effectively; some aspects of ego and visibility can be beyond the control of coaching and personal efforts.
- The emphasis on personal growth and preventive therapy in a relationship might put undue pressure on the individuals to constantly work on themselves, potentially neglecting the natural flow and enjoyment of the relationship itself.
Actionables
- Start a personal growth journal to explore your past experiences and their impact on your present self. Write daily entries reflecting on memories that shape your behavior today, and consider how acknowledging these can lead to personal growth. For example, if you recall a time when you felt overlooked, write about how that influences your current need for recognition and brainstorm ways to communicate this need constructively in relationships.
- Create a "relationship blueprint" with your partner or a close friend where you both outline your core values, future visions, and boundaries. Schedule a relaxed, uninterrupted session to discuss and document these elements, ensuring that both of you understand and respect each other's perspectives. This could involve creating a shared document or vision board that serves as a visual reminder and guide for your relationship.
- Engage in a monthly "ego audit" where you assess how your ego may be influencing your decisions and interactions. Set aside time to reflect on recent situations where ego may have played a role, and write down alternative approaches that could lead to more collaborative outcomes. For instance, if you notice you often need to have the last word in discussions, challenge yourself to ask more questions instead, fostering a partnership rather than a competition.
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Lewis Howes' personal growth journey and overcoming shame/trauma
Lewis Howes speaks candidly about the transformative journey of confronting and overcoming past trauma, particularly relating to the shame from sexual abuse he experienced as a child.
Shared details about his past sexual abuse as a turning point in his personal healing journey
Lewis Howes kept his past of sexual abuse a secret for 25 years, fearing rejection and judgment. He lacked the emotional courage to discuss the abuse openly because he feared rejection and lack of acceptance. However, revealing his deepest secret proved to be a pivotal moment in his life, allowing him to reclaim his power.
Revealing his deepest secret allowed him to take back his power and gain deeper connections with loved ones
During an event, Howes chose a speaking moment to reveal his story, concerned it might never happen if not then. He recounted the abuse that occurred when he was five years old, a memory that plagued him for 25 years. After deciding to open up about it in a workshop, Howes felt that his family and friends' acceptance and love after revealing his shame and past sexual abuse were more profound than he had felt before. His family members, each with their own dark experiences, became more open about personal matters they were ashamed of, only after Lewis shared his own story, leading to a special bond and closer connections.
Recognized how constantly running from the past held him back from feeling enough
Howes discusses his journey of learning and growth, acknowledging that he had not healed his nervous system around intimacy and people-pleasing in love. Despite his success, Howes experienced an emotional realization during a workshop that he needed to confront his past traumas to advance toward a future filled with abundance and peace.
Healing the shame and trauma of his past enabled him to move forward with more freedom and authenticity
By consistently working on himself with coaching and therapy, Howes has been addressing past issues that once held him back. As he became more open about his experiences and emotionally transparent, Howes started to heal and grow personally. This honesty impacted the content and success of his show, allowing him to communicate more authentically with his audience. His journey of ...
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Lewis Howes' personal growth journey and overcoming shame/trauma
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Start a personal growth journal to explore your feelings and experiences, writing down thoughts and emotions that you've kept hidden. This can be a private space where you gradually confront past traumas or shames, similar to the first steps of sharing one's story. Begin with short entries, focusing on what you feel right now and slowly work towards recounting past events when you're ready.
- Create a small, trusted support group with friends or family members where you can practice vulnerability. Schedule regular meet-ups where each person shares something personal they are struggling with. This mirrors the process of opening up in a safe environment and can strengthen your relationships and provide a sense of acceptance and belonging.
- Engage in a creative activity like paint ...
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Principles and practices for building healthy relationships
Lewis Howes and Rob Dial delve into the meaningful approaches to forming and nurturing healthy relationships, focusing on the necessity of clear communication, intentional alignment, and proactive involvement in relationship therapy.
Emphasized the importance of courageous communication in relationships
Howes strongly advocates for courageous communication, underlining that relationships can become exhausting if partners don't openly communicate their needs, wants, and desires. He warns that this lack of communication leads to a buildup of negative emotions such as resentment, anger, frustration, insecurity, and neediness. Rob Dial echoes this sentiment, sharing personal experiences where unspoken expectations created stress in his relationship. They both agree that openly expressing fears and vulnerabilities is key to preventing exhaustion and resentment.
Described his intentional process for building an aligned, conscious relationship with his fiancee
Howes speaks candidly about the conscious choices and intentional discussions that formed the foundation of his relationship with his fiancée, Martha. He describes setting clear agreements from the start regarding values, vision, lifestyle, and boundaries. Lewis committed never to get angry or lash out, and both agreed to fully accept each other as they are, without trying to change one another.
They addressed topics like household roles and responsibilities, lifestyle choices, and future plans for children, underlining the importance of alignment and acceptance. Lewis and Martha also committed to individual growth, believing that personal development is essential for bringing their best to the relationship.
Highlighted how starting a relationship in therapy can provide crucial clarity and alignment
Howes stresses the value of initiating a relationship with therapy sessions to gain clarity and alignment. He recounts engaging in therapy with his partner at the beginning of their relationship to confront insecurities, doubt ...
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Principles and practices for building healthy relationships
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While courageous communication is important, it's also necessary to balance openness with discretion to avoid unnecessary hurt or conflict.
- Expressing fears and vulnerabilities is crucial, but it should be done in a way that doesn't burden the other partner or make them feel responsible for one's emotional state.
- Intentional discussions and clear agreements are beneficial, but they must allow for flexibility as people and circumstances change over time.
- Therapy can be a helpful tool, but it's not a one-size-fits-all solution and may not be necessary or effective for all couples.
- The emphasis on starting a relationship with therapy might not be practical or appealing to everyone and could pathologize normal relationship challenges.
- The idea of never getting angry or lashing out is admirable, but it's also human to experience and express a wide range of emotions, including anger.
- The concept of fully accepting each other as they are might overlook the reality that personal growth can lead to changes that require adjustments in the relation ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner to navigate your shared future, using a visual representation like a poster or a digital graphic. Draw out your individual and collective goals, fears, and values, and revisit this roadmap regularly to ensure you're both on the same path and to make adjustments as needed.
- Develop a "vulnerability box" where you and your partner can drop notes about your insecurities or topics you find difficult to talk about. Set aside a dedicated time each week to open the box and discuss these items in a safe, non-judgmental space, fostering deeper understanding and connection.
- Initiate a monthly "relationshi ...
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Navigating the challenges of being a public figure and leader
Lewis Howes shares his experiences and insights on the evolution of managing his personal brand and content, emphasizing the shift from promoting others to amplifying his own voice.
Reflected on the evolution of managing his personal brand and content
Lewis Howes, as he reflects on his journey from an interview-centric podcaster to a public figure with an increasing presence, acknowledges the earlier part of his career where he did not prioritize being the 'face' or expert of his brand. He named his show "The School of Greatness" to make it about others rather than himself, fearing the responsibility of being perceived as an authority. However, he now recognizes the need to step into the spotlight and share more of his personal thoughts and expertise after 11 years of mainly featuring others.
Initially avoided being the face/expert to focus on highlighting others
Initially, Howes steered clear of being the expert or the face of his brand, preferring instead to build his audience through interviewing and featuring other people. His books included experiences from other leaders along with some of his own, but they were not positioned with him as the main dispenser of wisdom.
Now recognizes the need to share more of his own voice and wisdom
Howes now understands the value of sharing his own ideas, driven by feedback from those who desire to hear more from him. He is taking careful steps toward more solo content and articulates a vision of bringing his personal brand, his business, and his audience to the next level.
Discussed preparing himself mentally and emotionally for increased visibility and impact
Howes talks about the mental and emotional preparations he is undertaking as he braces for increased visibility and impact. Mentioning the lighter energy he exudes, as noted by Rob Dial, Howes credits therapy and coaching for helping him manage the internal challenges that come with a growing public persona.
Working to ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Navigating the challenges of being a public figure and leader
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Lewis Howes initially focused on promoting others in his content, avoiding being the central figure in his brand. Over time, he recognized the importance of sharing his own voice and expertise to further connect with his audience. This shift involved a conscious effort to step into the spotlight and offer more of his personal insights and wisdom. Howes' evolution reflects a strategic move towards amplifying his personal brand while maintaining humility and a focus on serving his audience.
- Lewis Howes transitioned from focusing on interviewing and featuring others to recognizing the importance of sharing his own voice and expertise. Initially hesitant to position himself as the face of his brand, he evolved over time to embrace a more prominent role in his content and personal brand development. This shift involved a conscious effort to step into the spotlight, share his ideas, and prepare for increased visibility and impact as a public figure and leader. Howes emphasized the need to manage his ego, build strategic partnerships, and continue evolving to amplify his message and growth in the public eye.
- Lewis Howes faced internal challenges related to managing his ego as his public platform and success grew. He worked with a coach to address potential issues with ego, aiming to stay humble and focused on serving others. This process involved emotional and mental preparation to handle the increased visibility and impact that came with his expanding public persona. Howes emphasized the importance of maintaining a balance between personal growth and staying grounded as he navigated his evolving role as a public figure and leader.
- Lewis Howes mentions that therapy and coaching have been instrumental in helping him navigate the internal challenges that come with increased visibility and impact. Therapy and coaching have provided Howes with tools and strategies to manage his ego, emotions, and mental well-being as he gr ...
Actionables
- You can start a personal growth journal to track your own development and insights. Begin by writing down your thoughts, experiences, and what you've learned from others each day. This practice will help you become more self-aware and recognize the value of your own voice. For example, after attending a seminar or reading a book, jot down how the information applies to your life and any original ideas it sparks.
- Create a small accountability group with friends or colleagues to discuss personal and professional growth. Meet regularly to share your goals, progress, and challenges. This will help you stay committed to your personal development and manage your ego by receiving constructive feedback. For instance, if you're working on becoming more visible in your workplace, your group can provide support and keep you grounded.
- Volunteer for projects or roles th ...
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