3 Reasons Why 99% of Relationships FAIL
In this episode of The School of Greatness, Lewis Howes and his guests explore the foundations for healthy, long-lasting relationships. The conversation emphasizes the importance of addressing past traumas, practicing self-love, and prioritizing personal growth to foster deeper connections. It highlights the distinction between intense chemistry and true compatibility, advising listeners to evaluate core values and relationship visions beyond the initial spark.
The guests underscore creating an environment of acceptance and vulnerability, allowing authentic self-expression without attempts to control each other. They also delve into overcoming limiting beliefs and the impact of childhood experiences on one's self-worth. The episode provides insights on intentional self-exploration and healing to change negative patterns and cultivate fulfilling relationships.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Sep 11, 2024 episode of the The School of Greatness
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1-Page Summary
Preparing for Healthy Relationships
Healing Past Traumas
Lewis Howes underscores embracing vulnerability and healing past trauma as essential for deep connections. Michael Todd notes that self-love and self-forgiveness are foundational; he says one can love others only to the extent one loves oneself. Caroline Leaf suggests exploring past relationship patterns to address the root causes.
Attempting new relationships without healing often repeats unhealthy patterns, says Howes. Todd adds that taking time to heal avoids similar breakdowns.
Prioritizing Personal Growth
Howes and Higareda emphasize prioritizing mental, physical, and spiritual health, purpose, and self-understanding to be fully present. Leaf recommends calming techniques like breathing exercises and recalling positive memories to cultivate a wise mindset.
She advises processing emotions fully rather than suppressing them, using the neuro cycle to identify feelings, sensations, and consequent actions.
Evaluating Compatibility
Chemistry vs Compatibility
Higareda warns that intense chemistry can obscure incompatibilities that emerge over time. Howes stresses aligning on core values, visions, and lifestyles for long-term compatibility over chemistry alone. Hussey gives the example of discussing key life goals like marriage early in dating.
Creating an Environment of Acceptance
Howes and Higareda allowed vulnerability by fully accepting each other without trying to change one another. Higareda emphasizes not molding partners into their potential. Howes highlights allowing authentic self-expression without retaliation.
They prioritized flexibility, personal growth, and autonomy, avoiding attempts to control each other.
Overcoming Limiting Beliefs
Leaf ties beliefs of unworthiness to childhood experiences, noting formative events can reinforce feelings of not feeling "good enough." Todd discusses facing trauma to realize one's value and move beyond beliefs preventing giving/receiving love.
Howes, Todd and Leaf stress intentional self-exploration and healing to overcome limiting beliefs. Leaf recommends early emotional coping education to change negative patterns from a young age.
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Counterarguments
- While embracing vulnerability is important, some argue that too much vulnerability too soon can be overwhelming or off-putting in a relationship.
- The idea that one can only love others to the extent they love themselves can be challenged by the notion that love for others can sometimes be a catalyst for self-improvement and self-love.
- Exploring past relationship patterns is useful, but some believe focusing too much on the past can hinder the ability to live in the present and build new, healthy relationships.
- Prioritizing personal growth is key, but some argue that too much focus on self can lead to self-absorption and neglect of the relational aspect of personal growth that occurs in the context of relationships.
- The recommendation to use calming techniques like breathing exercises is not universally effective; some individuals may require more active strategies to manage their emotions.
- The neuro cycle's emphasis on identifying feelings and sensations may not be suitable for everyone, especially those who may struggle with introspection or have conditions like alexithymia.
- The emphasis on core values and lifestyles for compatibility can sometimes be too rigid, and some argue that differences can complement and enrich relationships.
- Discussing key life goals early in dating might be important, but it can also put undue pressure on a relationship before it has had a chance to naturally develop.
- The concept of not trying to change one's partner can be nuanced; while acceptance is important, growth-oriented feedback can be a healthy part of a relationship.
- The focus on autonomy and personal growth might not address the interdependent nature of relationships where sometimes personal sacrifices are made for the benefit of the relationship.
- Overcoming limiting beliefs is important, but some argue that the process is not always as linear or clear-cut as suggested and can involve complex interactions with one's environment and experiences.
- The idea that childhood experiences solely reinforce feelings of unworthiness can be oversimplified, as individuals can also derive strength and resilience from challenging early life experiences.
- Early emotional coping education is beneficial, but it is not a panacea; some individuals may still develop negative patterns due to a variety of factors, including genetics and unforeseen life events.
Actionables
- You can create a "relationship roadmap" by writing down your past relationship experiences, identifying patterns, and setting goals for future relationships. Start by jotting down significant moments from past relationships, both positive and negative, and look for recurring themes. Use this insight to establish clear relationship goals that align with your core values and desired growth.
- Develop a "self-worth affirmation deck" using index cards to reinforce your value and combat feelings of unworthiness. On each card, write an affirmation that counters a limiting belief you've identified from your childhood or past experiences. Shuffle the deck each morning and select a few to read aloud, focusing on internalizing these positive beliefs.
- Engage in "emotional role-play" exercises with a trusted friend or family member to practice processing emotions and responding to situations that typically trigger you. Set up scenarios based on past experiences where you felt vulnerable or found it hard to express your emotions. Act out these situations with your partner, focusing on identifying your feelings, using calming techniques, and communicating effectively.
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Preparing for healthy relationships through self-work and healing
The journey to healthy relationships often requires individuals to undertake a deep, introspective examination of past traumas and their own self-growth. Lewis Howes, Michael Todd, and Caroline Leaf delve into the intricacies of self-healing as an imperative step in cultivating authentic and lasting connections.
Recognizing the importance of addressing past traumas and wounds before entering a new relationship
Lewis Howes mentions the significance of healing from past traumas. He puts an emphasis on embracing vulnerability as part of the journey towards deeper connections and genuine love. Michael Todd discusses the necessity of authenticity and addressing trauma, along with self-love, as foundational in relationships. Todd highlights the principle that one can only love others to the extent that one loves oneself. He also points to the crucial process of self-forgiveness and recognizing self-worth.
Caroline Leaf acknowledges that recurrent relationship failures often prompt individuals to assess what might be wrong with them. It’s essential, she adds, to explore the root causes of such patterns, which may involve extended periods of conscientious work over multiple 63-day cycles.
Attempting to start a new relationship without first healing from past hurts often leads to repeating unhealthy patterns and being unable to fully commit or connect
The hosts discuss that people often bring trauma-influenced versions of themselves to relationships, which impedes their ability to love fully and trust anew. Lewis Howes elaborates on the importance of taking time to heal from past pains before entering a new relationship, to address issues within an ongoing relationship, and to avoid the repetition of negative patterns. Todd emphasizes that by taking the necessary time to heal, one can transition from limping to leaping into love and circumvent a pattern of similar relationship breakdowns due to unaddressed issues.
Prioritizing personal growth, self-acceptance, and emotional regulation as foundational to building strong, lasting relationships
Howes shares his personal experience, detailing how internal and spiritual healing has brought him peace and a sense of harmony within. This self-healing has allowed him greater clarity and awareness in his relationships. He also regards his health—mental, physical, and spiritual—as his life’s first priority, as it impacts his energy and overall happiness. Howes believes that by prioritizing health and purpose, he becomes more present and capable of making his partner feel valued.
Martha Higareda speaks to the significance of authenticity in relationships, fostering a deep understanding of oneself ...
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Preparing for healthy relationships through self-work and healing
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Counterarguments
- While healing from past traumas is important, some individuals may find that they can also heal through the support and dynamics of a new, healthy relationship.
- Embracing vulnerability is essential, but it's also important to establish boundaries to protect oneself from potential harm in relationships.
- Authenticity and self-love are foundational, but relationships also require compromise and sometimes putting the other person's needs before one's own.
- The idea that one can only love others to the extent that one loves oneself might be overly simplistic, as people often love others more than they love themselves, and this can be both a strength and a weakness in relationships.
- While self-assessment is valuable, it's also important not to internalize blame for relationship failures, as they are often the result of complex dynamics between two people.
- The concept of exploring root causes in a structured 63-day cycle may not be suitable for everyone, as healing is not linear and can vary greatly from person to person.
- Prioritizing personal growth is important, but focusing too much on self-improvement can lead to neglecting the relationship or the needs of the partner.
- The emphasis on health as a priority for relationship success might overlook the fact that relationships can also thrive amidst challenges, including health issues, when partners supp ...
Actionables
- Create a personal growth journal to track your emotional and relational progress, noting areas where you've embraced vulnerability or identified patterns that need change. This can be a simple notebook where you write daily or weekly reflections on your interactions, feelings, and any moments where you practiced self-love or authenticity. Over time, you'll have a record that can help you see your growth and areas that still need attention.
- Develop a "relationship roadmap" with milestones that represent steps in your healing journey, such as acknowledging past traumas, practicing self-forgiveness, or learning your love language. This can be a visual chart or a digital document where you set personal goals and check them off as you achieve them, ensuring that you're consciously working towards healthier relationships.
- Engage in a "memory reframe" exercise w ...
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Evaluating compatibility versus chemistry in partner selection
Martha Higareda and Lewis Howes delve into why compatibility should be a focal point over chemistry in choosing a life partner, and Matthew Hussey recounts an effective approach to ensure alignment in relationship goals.
Recognizing that chemistry, while exciting, is not enough to sustain a healthy, fulfilling long-term relationship
Martha Higareda shares her perspective on how the allure of chemistry can overshadow the true nature of our partners. She explains that the intense "chemical reaction" can obscure significant incompatibilities that often unravel over time.
Focusing on aligning core values, life visions, and lifestyles as key indicators of long-term compatibility
Lewis Howes champions the importance of aligning with a partner on foundational values, life ambitions, and day-to-day practices for a lasting relationship. He underscores the necessity of clarity and consensus in values, which can override differences if they don't forecast future conflict. Howes recommends that partners have direct conversations about values to verify mutual comfort and agreement.
Martha Higareda expands on this, suggesting couples take the time to individually document their values and then exchange their notes to gauge harmony. Understanding and respecting each other's love languages, Howes and Higareda agree, is also vital for feeling valued in a relationship, even when those languages aren't identical.
Matthew Hussey introduces ...
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Evaluating compatibility versus chemistry in partner selection
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Counterarguments
- Chemistry can evolve into deeper compatibility as partners grow together and learn from each other.
- Overemphasis on compatibility might lead to overlooking the potential for personal growth and adaptation within a relationship.
- Compatibility in core values and life visions can sometimes be idealized and may not account for the complexities and changes individuals go through over time.
- Direct conversations about values, while important, can sometimes be too rigid and may not leave room for the natural development of a relationship.
- Documenting and exchanging values might not capture the nuances of each person's beliefs and can reduce complex individuals to a list of traits or preferences.
- Love languages can change over time, and a relationship might benefit from the flexibility and ...
Actionables
- Create a "values vision board" with a partner to visually represent your core values and life goals. Use magazines, images from the internet, or drawings to create a collage that reflects what you both value most in life. This can be a fun and creative way to discuss and compare your aspirations and see where they align or differ.
- Develop a "relationship roadmap" where you plot out hypothetical scenarios and how you might handle them together. For example, create a chart or spreadsheet with situations like career changes, moving to a new city, or handling financial challenges, and discuss potential strategies for each. This proactive approach can reveal how well you work together to navigate life's uncertainties.
- Initiate a month ...
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Creating an environment of acceptance, allowance, and safety within relationships
Lewis Howes and Martha Higareda explore the dynamics of nurturing an environment of acceptance, freedom, and safety in their relationship, underscoring its significance.
Fully accepting and embracing one's partner as they are, without trying to change or fix them
Howes emphasizes the importance of acceptance and letting go of things that could cause agitation, stating that this acceptance gives him the greatest peace and freedom he's ever experienced. He and Higareda made a conscious decision to fully accept one another without anger, as long as they both live into the agreements they've made with each other.
Providing a space for one's partner to be vulnerable and authentic without fear of judgment or retaliation
Higareda did not react negatively or make Howes feel ashamed when he opened up about his past and priorities in life, illustrating the importance of acceptance and a non-judgmental space for vulnerability. Howes had been concerned about being honest with his priorities, fearing that Higareda would not accept him as is. Her reaction showed a willingness to accept his priorities, creating an environment that allowed for vulnerability.
Howes talks about the importance of creating a safe space within oneself and in your environment where emotions can be expressed freely. He emphasizes the need for a space where there is no retaliation from another when expressing emotions.
Allowing for flexibility, freedom, and individual growth within the relationship
Howes and Higareda focused on establishing a relationship where both individuals have the space to be their authentic selves. Howes shares that before he and Higareda committed exclusively to each other, they agreed to fully embrace each other’s personalities, flaws, and imperfections, fostering an environment that permitted individual growth and personal autonomy.
Avoiding attempts to control or restrict one's partner's thoughts, behaviors, or life choices
Higareda emphasizes the importance of not trying ...
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Creating an environment of acceptance, allowance, and safety within relationships
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Counterarguments
- Acceptance does not necessarily mean avoiding all attempts to change or improve behaviors, especially if certain behaviors are harmful or destructive to the relationship or individual well-being.
- While providing a space for vulnerability is important, boundaries are also necessary to ensure that both partners feel secure and respected.
- Emotions should be expressed freely, but there should also be a mutual understanding and agreement on how to handle intense emotions constructively.
- Individual growth is crucial, but the relationship itself may also require joint efforts and sometimes compromise, which can limit certain aspects of individual freedom.
- Flexibility and f ...
Actionables
- You can start a weekly "emotions journal" with your partner where you both write down your feelings and experiences from the week, sharing them with each other during a dedicated time. This practice encourages openness and provides a structured opportunity for both partners to express themselves without interruption or immediate feedback, fostering a sense of safety and acceptance.
- Try implementing a "no advice" rule during certain conversations, where the focus is solely on listening and understanding each other's perspective without offering solutions or trying to fix the issue. This can help create a space where both partners feel heard and accepted without the pressure to change or act on the feedback immediately.
- Organize a month ...
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The influence of past experiences and beliefs on one's ability to engage in healthy relationships
Lewis Howes, Caroline Leaf, and Michael Todd delve into how our early life experiences and beliefs, particularly those revolving around worthiness of love, profoundly shape our ability to engage in healthy relationships.
Recognizing how childhood and adolescent experiences can shape deep-seated beliefs about one's own worthiness of love
Caroline Leaf suggests that beliefs in one's worthiness of love often stem from childhood experiences. Even positive childhoods can be shattered by bad first relationships or marriages. She emphasizes the impact of relationship experiences during the formative adolescent years, when relationships with peers begin to become more important than those with parents. Troubling experiences during this time, such as rejection, abuse, or being made to feel "not good enough," can lead to feelings of unworthiness that sabotage future relationships. For instance, Leaf describes a girl who, in bid to gain her sports-oriented father's acceptance, dressed and acted like a boy, reinforcing her belief that she wasn't good enough as a female.
Leaf and Howes recognize how negative comments made during childhood can stick with a person well into adulthood. Bullying, a form of continuous trauma, can stem from personal experiences of being bullied or abused and lead to self-hatred and generational cycles of negative patterns. This suggests that unresolved traumas can significantly impact present relationships.
Undertaking a process of self-exploration and healing to overcome limiting beliefs and patterns from the past
Michael Todd discusses the journey of facing and moving beyond trauma. Realizing one's personal value can transform pain into something empowering. Conversely, believing one is undeserving of love due to past negative experiences can prevent individuals from believing they are capable of giving and receiving love.
Howes and Todd stress the importance of taking time to heal and reflect, a process they recognize as frightening but necessary to feeling whole and preventing anxious attachment in new relationships. Caroline Leaf echoes this sentiment, underlining the necessity of tackling issues from one's formative years to overcome the feeling of unworthiness. Negative experiences such as rejection and infidelity during adolescence can create an enduring sense of being undeserving of love, which requires intentional self-exploration and healing to surmount.
Leaf also touches on the importance of children learning to process and express their feelings as a preventative measure against future relationship issues. She advises teaching children as young as two to understand and modify their brain patterns. Providing a non-judgmental space for self-explorat ...
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The influence of past experiences and beliefs on one's ability to engage in healthy relationships
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Clarifications
- Anxious attachment in new relationships is a relational style characterized by a fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness and reassurance from partners. Individuals with anxious attachment may exhibit clingy behavior, seek constant validation, and experience heightened anxiety about the stability of their relationships. This attachment style often stems from early experiences of inconsistent caregiving or emotional neglect, leading to difficulties in trusting others and regulating emotions within relationships. Understanding and addressing anxious attachment patterns can help individuals cultivate healthier and more secure connections with their partners.
- Modifying brain patterns involves changing the way our brains respond to stimuli or situations by rewiring neural connections through conscious effort and practice. This process is often associated with cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques that aim to replace negative thought patterns with more positive and adaptive ones. By actively engaging in activities that promote positive thinking and behavior, individuals can reshape their brain's default responses over time. This practice is rooted in the concept of neuroplasticity, which suggests that the brain can adapt and reorganize itself based on new experiences and learning. ...
Counterarguments
- While childhood and adolescent experiences can shape beliefs about worthiness of love, it's also possible for individuals to develop a strong sense of self-worth independent of their early experiences through other influences such as mentors, education, or personal achievements.
- Some individuals may experience troubling events during adolescence but do not necessarily carry feelings of unworthiness into future relationships, suggesting that other factors like resilience, support systems, and positive experiences can mitigate the impact of earlier negative experiences.
- The impact of negative comments in childhood on adulthood can vary greatly among individuals; some may be able to dismiss or overcome these comments more easily than others, indicating a range of responses to similar experiences.
- While bullying and abuse can lead to self-hatred and negative relationship patterns, not all individuals who experience bullying or abuse will develop these issues, and some may find ways to build positive relationships despite their past.
- The assertion that unresolved traumas significantly impact present relationships may not account for the complexity of human adaptation and the capacity for change and growth, which can lead to healthy relationships despite past traumas.
- The necessity of healing and self-exploration to overcome past limiting beliefs may not be a universal requirement; some individuals may find that time, new experiences, or other forms of personal development are sufficient for overcoming past issues.
- The idea that realizing personal value can transform pain into empowerment may not resonate with everyone, as some individuals might find empowerment through other means such as community service, spirituality, or creative expression.
- The belief that individuals attract partners based on insecurities and unresolved trauma may b ...
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1-Page Summary- Preparing for healthy relationships through self-work and healing
- Evaluating compatibility versus chemistry in partner selection
- Creating an environment of acceptance, allowance, and safety within relationships
- The influence of past experiences and beliefs on one's ability to engage in healthy relationships
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