“We Had to Create a Second Marriage” How to Heal a Relationship After Infidelity & Addiction | Carl Lentz
In this episode of The School of Greatness podcast, Carl Lentz shares his personal journey through scandal, shame, and recovery. After a public scandal involving infidelity and addiction, Lentz faced deep shame and worked to confront his lies and past trauma. He discusses rebuilding trust and establishing new boundaries in his marriage, redefining his relationship with God and the church, and embracing vulnerability and mindfulness as keys to healing.
The episode explores the impact of Lentz's actions on his wife Laura and family, their path to forgiving each other, and the lessons learned. Lentz opens up about prioritizing living honestly, self-reflection, and being present over chasing achievements. The conversation offers insight into navigating the aftermath of betrayal and highlights the journey to wholeness through authenticity.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Aug 2, 2024 episode of the The School of Greatness
Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.
1-Page Summary
Lentz's personal journey through scandal, shame, and recovery
After a public scandal, Carl Lentz experienced deep shame and even suicidal thoughts, Lentz states. To heal, he confronted his own lies, addictions, and past sexual abuse. He's worked on self-compassion and being present rather than constantly performing.
Lentz has learned to let go of controlling his narrative and reputation, focusing instead on living honestly, Lentz shares. His approach now celebrates achievements without worry over hidden issues.
The impact on his marriage and family relationships
Lentz's wife Laura had to navigate betrayal, lack of trust, and potential PTSD after his infidelity, Lentz admits. Though initially struggling to forgive him, Laura ultimately chose to rebuild their marriage.
They've established clear boundaries and communication patterns. Lentz sees this as a "Marriage 2.0" with authenticity—getting to know each other again honestly. Laura has reclaimed her voice and power.
Lentz's evolving relationship with God and the church
Lentz no longer feels he must perform for God but instead experiences grace and compassion, he explains. He's open to leading a church again someday but currently focuses on transparent living.
Lentz hopes to use his experiences to protect future leaders from similar pitfalls. He stresses clergy should direct God's grace, not seek fame.
Lessons learned about vulnerability, self-care, and mindfulness
Lentz realized the importance of honest self-reflection and apologies, even when uncomfortable. He prioritizes living amends—continuously making things right.
Lentz has embraced being present and appreciating each moment's "blessings" rather than chasing the next achievement, he shares. Truthfulness allowed him to experience relief, joy and peace.
The B side platform highlights vulnerability as strength, redefining masculinity, Lentz notes. This contrasts worrying about image or cancellation.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While Lentz emphasizes self-compassion and being present, some might argue that self-improvement should also involve accountability to those harmed by one's actions, not just internal work.
- The concept of "Marriage 2.0" suggests a fresh start, but some may argue that rebuilding trust is a continuous process that may not align with the idea of a completely new beginning.
- Lentz's focus on not controlling his narrative could be seen as relinquishing responsibility for the consequences of his actions, which some might find problematic.
- The idea of using personal experiences to protect future leaders could be criticized if it does not include tangible actions or systemic changes to prevent abuse of power.
- The notion that clergy should not seek fame might be challenged by the argument that visibility can be used positively to spread messages and enact change.
- Emphasizing vulnerability as strength is important, but some might argue that it should not overshadow the need for strong leadership and decision-making in challenging times.
- The idea of living amends is valuable, but critics might point out that apologies and amends should also be specific and directed towards those directly affected by one's actions.
Actionables
- You can start a daily self-compassion journal where you write down three kind things about yourself each morning, focusing on your intentions and actions rather than your achievements. This practice encourages a shift from self-criticism to self-compassion, helping you to recognize your intrinsic value beyond performance or external validation.
- Create a "Marriage 2.0" plan with your partner, where you both commit to a monthly "relationship audit" to discuss boundaries, communication, and areas for growth. This structured approach fosters transparency and continuous improvement in the relationship, ensuring that both partners are actively engaged in nurturing a healthy, authentic partnership.
- Develop a personal "grace reminder" system by setting up weekly alerts on your phone or calendar with messages that reinforce the concept of grace and self-forgiveness. These reminders can serve as prompts to take a moment to reflect on your personal growth, acknowledge your progress, and practice gratitude for the present moment, reinforcing a mindset of grace over performance.
Get access to the context and additional materials
Lentz's personal journey through scandal, shame, and recovery
Carl Lentz openly discusses his journey of upheaval, self-examination, and gradual healing following a scandal that led to his public fall from grace.
Lentz experienced deep shame and suicidal thoughts in the aftermath of his scandal and public downfall
In the wake of his scandal, Lentz confesses he felt a deep, suffocating shame. This overwhelming sense almost pushed him to suicide as he constantly envisioned ending his life. However, he recognized the selfishness of such an act, especially towards his family and credits God for the strength to persevere. He also admits to misleading people, lying, and breaking their trust, and acknowledges the pain caused by his actions.
He had to confront his own lies, addictions, and past sexual abuse in order to begin healing
Carl Lentz's path to healing involved addressing the lies he had been telling since he was young, which escalated into highly publicized personal humiliation. A rehab counselor pointed out that Lentz was not the hero of his own story but had hurt many people along the way. Dealing with these truths, Lentz admits to gaslighting his wife and struggling to escape from a web of lies, which included infidelity and deceit that not only impacted his marriage but also implicated others within the greater Hillsong Church network.
Lentz delves into his past, recalling the sexual abuse he suffered in his childhood, which he began to confront in his thirties. His acknowledgment of this trauma was a significant step in his healing journey, as it shed light on his subsequent actions and addictions. He discusses his history of infidelity and secret behaviors, linking them to an affected brain chemistry due to the abuse he endured. Lentz also reflects on how his previous strategy of burying lies was essentially digging his own grave, emphasizing that every lie deprived him of a fulfilling life.
Lentz has worked on self-compassion and being present rather than constantly performing or trying to prove himself
Lentz has shifted from the need to perform and prove his worth to God and others, focusing instead on living with self-compassion, honesty, and being present. He has given up trying to control his narrative and reputation, concentrating on living an honest life. Lentz talks about his enduring faith amidst struggles and describes his current relationship with God as soft, kind, and generous, hinting at a newfound sense of self-compassion and a move away from seeking approval.
He acknowledges that not everyone can afford the kind of help he received, like rehab, and feels responsi ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Lentz's personal journey through scandal, shame, and recovery
Additional Materials
Actionables
- You can start a personal truth journal where you write down your thoughts and feelings without any filters or fear of judgment. This practice encourages honesty with oneself and can be a therapeutic way to confront personal issues. For example, if you're feeling shame about a past event, write about it in detail, how it affects you, and what you wish you could change. This can be a step towards self-compassion and acceptance.
- Create a "Letting Go" ritual to practice releasing the need to control your narrative. This could involve writing down aspects of your life you try to control, such as your reputation or how others perceive you, and then physically destroying the paper in a symbolic act of letting go. You might burn the paper or tear it to shreds, signifying your commitment to focus on honesty rather than control.
- Engage in daily mindfulness exercises to shift from performing ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
The impact on his marriage and family relationships
Carl Lentz openly acknowledges the serious consequences of his past actions on his family, describing both the painful process and the steps toward recovery for him and his wife Laura.
Lentz's wife Laura has had to navigate feelings of betrayal, a lack of trust, and PTSD symptoms in the aftermath
Lentz's wife Laura faced significant emotional turmoil following the scandal, including navigating pain, sadness, suffering, and lies. She experienced a physical reaction when Carl got close, with her body shaking—an indicator of a lack of physical safety and possibly symptoms of PTSD. Throughout their healing journey, Laura had set up a support system, a separate bank account, and even had a divorce lawyer on hand, reflecting her preparedness for potential separation.
Laura initially had a hard time forgiving Lentz, but has since chosen to stay and rebuild their marriage
It wasn't until three years into their healing process that Laura forgave Lentz, highlighting a lengthy period of overcoming betrayal and distrust. Despite the challenges, Laura chose to forgive Carl and confront the issues related to his infidelity. She reached a point where Lentz frequently asks her "How can I make you feel safer today?" as part of their routine to ensure she finds security again within their relationship.
Lentz and Laura have established clear boundaries and communication patterns to facilitate healing
The couple has taken steps to repair their relationship by establishing clear boundaries and focusing on daily communication. Lentz describes his role as responding to Laura's needs and asking non-defensive, non-aggressive questions, which are all part of their healing process. They focus on "being" rather than "doing" within their relationship, a shift that influences their actions ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The impact on his marriage and family relationships
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While Lentz and Laura have established clear boundaries and communication patterns, it's important to recognize that healing from such deep betrayal is a complex process, and there may be setbacks along the way that aren't captured in the summary.
- The concept of "Marriage 2.0" suggests a new beginning, but it's important to acknowledge that the past cannot be entirely erased and its effects may still influence the present and future of the relationship.
- Forgiveness is a personal journey, and while Laura forgave Lentz, it's worth considering that forgiveness does not necessarily equate to the complete resolution of all trust issues or emotional pain.
- The idea of focusing on "being" rather than "doing" is a valuable approach, but in practice, consistent actions (doing) are often necessary to rebuild trust and demonstrate commitment to change.
- The narrative of rebuilding the marriage with a foundation of authenticity is positive, but it's important to consider that rebuilding trust is a long-term process that might require ongoing work and support.
- Laura's empowerment and finding her voice is crucial, but it's also important to consider the dynamics of power and co ...
Actionables
- Create a daily safety check-in with your partner to foster a sense of security. Start by setting aside a few minutes each day to ask your partner how they're feeling and if there's anything you can do to make them feel more secure. This could be as simple as sending a reassuring text message or as involved as adjusting your schedule to spend quality time together.
- Develop a personal growth plan that includes your partner's input. Sit down together and outline areas where each of you wants to grow, both individually and as a couple. This might involve taking up new hobbies, learning skills, or setting goals for your relationship. Make sure to review and adjust this plan regularly to reflect your evolving needs and desires.
- Organize a monthly "get to k ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Lentz's evolving relationship with God and the church
Carl Lentz speaks about his changing perception of his relationship with God, from a place of self-imposed pressure to a state of grace and a potential future leading a church again, with no immediate plans but more transparent living.
Lentz no longer feels the need to perform or prove himself to God, instead experiencing God's grace and compassion
Lentz reflects on his past relationship with God, one that was cloaked in shame and driven by a need to perform and prove. He acknowledges a shift to a more positive experience, feeling an obligation to work hard for God as if he were a lost cause. Lentz has come to terms with this past perspective and now uses descriptions like soft, generous, and graceful to characterize his current understanding of God’s role in his life.
In a poignant moment, he recalls Psalm 23, relating to the verse where the shepherd makes the sheep lie down in green pastures. Lentz likens his own experience to being made to lie down, to be still and recover despite the pain, seeing it as an act of a compassionate shepherd. This metaphor for his own journey from turmoil to tranquility marks a deeper understanding of God’s grace in his life.
Lentz also opens up about the dark days he faced, conversing with God about his lack of awareness of his issues. During rehab, he came to appreciate that God's power could work through anyone, including medical professionals and counselors, indicating an acceptance of secular support systems alongside his faith.
Lentz is open to potentially leading a church again someday, but has no current plans and is focused on living transparently
While he expresses hope that his actions haven't deterred others from pursuing a relationship with God, Lentz speaks about the fallibility of preacher ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Lentz's evolving relationship with God and the church
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While Lentz no longer feels the need to perform or prove himself to God, some may argue that a sense of accountability and striving for improvement are important aspects of faith.
- The shift from a relationship with God driven by shame to one characterized by grace could be seen as a personal interpretation that may not align with everyone's theological beliefs.
- Describing God as soft, generous, and graceful is subjective and may not encapsulate the full spectrum of attributes ascribed to God in various religious texts and traditions.
- Relating personal experiences to Psalm 23 is a personal reflection that may not resonate with everyone's understanding or experience of scripture.
- Appreciating secular support systems alongside faith might be criticized by those who believe in the sufficiency of faith alone for healing and support.
- Being open to potentially leading a church again could be seen as a lack of commitment to a definitive path, which might be unsettling to some looking for strong leadership.
- Focusing on living transparently is commendable, but some might argue that actions speak louder than intentions and past actions can have lasting impacts.
- The hope that his actions haven't deterred others from pursuing a relationship with God might be countered by the argument that leaders do have a significant influence on their followers' paths.
- Emphasizing the fallibility of preachers is important, but it could also be argued that leaders should be held to higher standards given their influence.
- The idea that the essence of clergy is to direct God's grace to others might be ...
Actionables
- You can journal about moments of grace in your daily life to cultivate a sense of compassion and generosity. Start by setting aside a few minutes each day to write down instances where you felt you received or extended grace. This could be as simple as someone letting you merge into traffic or a time you forgave a friend's mistake. Reflecting on these moments can help internalize the idea of a compassionate, graceful existence.
- Create a 'compassion map' to visualize and expand your support network. Draw a map with yourself at the center and add branches for different areas of your life, such as family, friends, work, and community. On each branch, note individuals or groups that provide support. Recognize the secular and faith-based elements of your network and consider how you can strengthen these connections or offer support to others.
- Engage in a 'role reversal' exercise to understand the fa ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Lessons learned about vulnerability, self-care, and mindfulness
Carl Lentz shares his journey through vulnerability, emphasizing honesty and the importance of self-care and mindfulness, after a period of reflection and personal challenges.
Lentz has realized the importance of being honest with himself and others, even when it's uncomfortable
Lentz conveys the value of face-to-face apologies and genuine sorrow for his actions, emphasizing honesty and vulnerability. He discusses living amends, which imply continuous effort in making things right and being present for others—a practice that fundamentally relates to mindfulness and self-care. Through healing, Lentz understands the importance of addressing one’s own hurt to avoid harming others and shows an understanding of compassion toward oneself and others. This reflection seems integral to his commitment to honesty and an ongoing personal journey.
In discussing relationships, Lentz stresses the necessity for individuals to prioritize their personal growth independently of their relationships. Touching on his own experiences, Lentz urges for an honest admission of wrongdoings and maintaining a focus on making amends rather than being immobilized by shame. He speaks to living honestly as opposed to managing perceptions, a clear shift from self-justification to acceptance of the truth.
Lentz has made a conscious effort to be present and appreciate the "blessing" of each moment, rather than constantly chasing the next thing
The conversation reveals that Lentz has embraced being in the present moment. He mentions the importance of appreciating blessings and remarks on the freedom found in releasing the need to maintain a perfect image or prove his worth. Lentz’s renewed perspective appears to prioritize "being" over "doing" or "having," which is essential for personal growth and honesty in relationships.
Furthermore, Lentz discusses the validation of feelings and the eradication of defensiveness once the root cause is understood. He shares insights from his experience in rehab, focusing on the ongoing effort to ensure past issues don’t affect his children and communicating that freedom is achievable.
Despite the ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Lessons learned about vulnerability, self-care, and mindfulness
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While honesty and vulnerability are important, there may be situations where too much disclosure can be detrimental to personal or professional relationships.
- Continuous efforts to make amends can be positive, but there is a risk of becoming trapped in a cycle of guilt and reparations that may not be healthy or productive.
- Mindfulness and self-care are valuable, but they can sometimes be used as buzzwords and may not be a one-size-fits-all solution for everyone's healing process.
- Prioritizing personal growth is crucial, but it should not lead to isolation or neglect of meaningful relationships and responsibilities.
- Living honestly is important, but there can be a fine line between authenticity and oversharing or failing to maintain necessary privacy.
- Being present is beneficial, but planning for the future and learning from the past are also essential aspects of a balanced life.
- Emphasizing "being" over "doing" or "having" might overlook the importance of ambition and material security in personal development and societal contribution.
- Validating feelings is key to emotional health, but it's also important to develop strategies to manage emotions effectively, especially when they may lead to harmful actions. ...
Actionables
- You can start a "truth journal" where you document moments you were honest with yourself and others, noting how it felt and the outcomes. This practice encourages self-reflection on the impact of truthfulness in your life. For example, write about a time you admitted a mistake at work and how it led to a more collaborative solution.
- Create a "mindfulness jar" filled with prompts for self-care and presence. Each day, draw a prompt to focus on, such as "Take five deep breaths before responding in a conversation" or "List three things you're grateful for today." This helps integrate mindfulness into daily routines and fosters appreciation for the present.
- Develop a habit of sending one handwritten note a week to ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Create Summaries for anything on the web
Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser
