In this episode of The School of Greatness podcast, Esther Perel, Lewis Howes, and other experts explore the complexities of modern relationships and offer practical advice for building lasting connections. They delve into the evolving cultural landscape, where relationships face increasingly high expectations of fulfillment and self-actualization.
The discussion highlights key elements that contribute to successful long-term relationships, such as emotional intimacy, vulnerability, healthy communication, and the ability to navigate conflicts. Experts emphasize the importance of self-awareness, personal growth, and open dialogue in fostering conscious relationships that prioritize shared values and commitment.
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The structured relationship norms of traditional societies have given way to more fluid, individually focused connections in today's "network societies." According to Esther Perel, fixed relationship obligations have declined, with commitments constantly up for renegotiation.
Relationships have become more complex due to society's emphasis on finding meaning and self-actualization through them. Individuals seek personal fulfillment and self-expression in their careers, locations, and families. This "identity economy" has heightened sensitivity around the self, making relationships more fragile, as Perel states.
Perel notes that intimate relationships now carry expectations of emotional, spiritual, and practical fulfillment once sought from religion and community. Similarly, the workplace has become a site for relational fulfillment, with "soft skills" like trust and belonging prioritized alongside tasks.
Lewis Howes highlights emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and healthy communication as crucial for successful long-term relationships. As Michael Bungay Stanier explains, the ability to "fight well" and repair breaches predicts relationship longevity. Gary John Bishop posits that forgiveness is essential for recovering from conflicts.
According to Bishop and Howes, addressing one's psychological wounds allows people to bring their full, authentic selves to relationships. Esther Perel cautions against seeking completion through a partner, stressing shared values, vision, and commitment to growth.
Experts advise open communication and setting expectations early on. Regular counseling or coaching maintains connection. Stanier and Howes endorse discussing each partner's priorities from the start. Bishop and Perel recommend balancing stability with new adventures to prevent stagnation.
1-Page Summary
The nature of relationships in modern society has transformed drastically from the structured communal ties of the past to today's more flexible, individually focused connections.
In traditional societies, relationships were defined by clear rules, obligations, with a tight structure dictating roles, expectations, and a sense of belonging within family and community life. One knew to visit family on Sundays, call their grandmother weekly, or attend church without second-guessing the significance of these actions. However, the rise of "network societies" has seen the decline of these fixed structures, giving way to loosely connected networks with commitments subject to change. Nowadays, social obligations once considered rules are constantly up for negotiation.
Previously, little thought was given to job distribution within a relationship or who had certain rights in a marriage, as traditional roles were deeply entrenched. These set traditions have been replaced by personal choice and constant self-examination.
Society's modern emphasis on finding personal meaning, purpose, and self-actualization through relationships makes them more intricate. Individuals now often quest for personal fulfillment and a reflection of their identity in their relational decisions concerning careers, location, and family.
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The evolution of relationships in modern society
Esther Perel discusses the evolution of intimate relationships and how they now harbor the high stake expectations once reserved for other social constructs, such as religion and community, and the parallel challenges found in the modern workplace.
Perel mentions that marriage, once a practical arrangement for survival and procreation, has since taken on a service economy role, prioritizing sexual connection and pleasure. It has further evolved to embody an expectation for personal growth and transformation—marriages are viewed as vehicles for identity development, self-improvement, and becoming the best version of oneself.
Perel asserts that contemporary relationships are expected to be transformative and deeply meaningful, providing emotional, spiritual, and purposeful fulfillment. Partners are envisaged as best friends, trusted confidantes, passionate lovers, intellectual equals, and co-parents, all while managing the day-to-day and maintaining passion and adventure.
Paralleling personal relationships, Perel notes that the emotional and interpersonal stakes of the workplace have become equally critical. Work is no lon ...
The high expectations and challenges of modern relationships
Experts like Lewis Howes, Michael Bungay Stanier, and Gary John Bishop discuss the critical elements that foster successful long-term relationships: emotional intimacy, communication, and the ability to repair ruptures.
Lewis Howes emphasizes the importance of reflecting on past relationships to understand what works and what doesn't in terms of building successful relationships. He points out that creating agreements, understanding boundaries, and resolving conflict are key through effective communication. Acknowledging past relationship mistakes is a necessary step towards emotional safety, as is the desire for therapy when needed. There's a foundational need for tough conversations that address uncomfortable topics to establish clear boundaries and commitments.
The ability to fight well and repair the relationship is a critical skill for long-term success, as noted by Michael Bungay Stanier. He acknowledges the difficulty most people have in fixing relationships after feeling broken, betrayed, or let down and describes destructive patterns such as fight, flight, or "fix" behaviors. These behaviors can engage individuals in the drama triangle where they cycle through the roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer—thereby exacerbating conflict.
Stanier poses a crucial question reflecting on how, in a relationship, things can go wrong and the importance of discussing potential problems and solutions early on. He shares personal insights from conversations with his wife, revealing how they learned from past relationships. His past tendency to disconnect and his wife's intolerance for being taken for granted were key discoveries that guided their mutual understanding.
Gary John Bishop speaks to the reality that arguments are a natural part of any relationship. He implies that conflict, when managed well, doesn't necessarily spell the end of a relationship but can lead to growth. Stanier's "repair question" strategy encourages couples to discuss how they will handle conflicts ahead of time, thus establishing a proactive plan for addressing and resolving issues.
Lewis Howes connects the success of a relationshi ...
The importance of emotional intimacy, communication, and repair in relationships
Understanding oneself and engaging in personal growth is essential for the success of relationships, as Bishop, Perel, and Howes discuss.
Gary John Bishop and Lewis Howes address how unresolved issues from the past can affect present relationships. Bishop emphasizes dealing with the first two decades of life, asserting that experiences and beliefs form at this time which solidify and inform the rest of one's life unless one chooses differently. He emphasizes self-acceptance and allowing oneself to be imperfect in a relationship. Howes speaks about healing his inner child wounds, changing his relationship with his younger psychological self, which allowed him to feel safe and free on his own, without the need to please others.
Bishop discusses how people may unconsciously seek out partners to fill a void or solve an immediate problem related to their insecurities, perpetuating a cycle of issues within relationships. He shares how personal feelings from earlier years, such as feeling inadequate or unlovable, can shape self-perception and influence how individuals express themselves in relationships. Bishop suggests facing these ingrained beliefs to express something new within relationships that's of one's own creation. Lewis Howes also reflects on his pattern of relationships and recognizes the need to address unresolved issues to avoid repeating the same patterns.
Bishop talks about focusing on embodying the qualities one seeks in a relationship rather than looking for them in a partner. He describes an experience where he stopped seeking specific expressions of love from his wife, allowing her to be herself, which resulted in a significant positive shift in their relationship dynamic. Perel critiques the idea that one must solely focus on self-improvement before a relationship and emphasizes that growth occurs ...
The role of self-awareness and personal growth in relationship success
In the journey of building conscious, fulfilling relationships, experts like Howes, Bishop, and Perel offer clear strategies beginning from the foundation to maintaining longevity.
Howes emphasizes the value of starting a relationship with a strong communication foundation, as evidenced by asking his girlfriend about going to therapy together not because they had issues, but to cultivate a safe space for conversation. This proactive approach of regular engagement in counseling or coaching sessions can significantly reduce conflicts, allowing partners to embrace grace, flexibility, and courageous communication in the relationship.
Rather than waiting for crises to emerge, couples can benefit from regular counseling. This aids in establishing a consistent foundation of open discussions, a strategy that Howes believes helped reduce conflict and enhance communication in his own relationship.
Stanier and Howes both advocate for early conversations about each partner’s vision and expectations for the relationship. They reflect on discussions they had with their partners where they were honest about their priorities and boundaries. Both cite the importance of recognizing past patterns to avoid repeating the same issues. These strategic discussions help partners navigate potential challenges.
Bishop and Perel suggest that relationships thrive on both love and adventure. Bishop realized that he needed to bring that excitement into the relationship rather than expecting it solely from his partner. Perel advises diversifying expectations and relying on multiple sources for emotional support rather than expecting everything from one's partner. She recommends engaging in new activities often enough to create a balance between stability and change, which is essential to prevent stagnation.
Howes proposes that there are fundamental questions to a ...
Strategies for choosing and building a conscious, fulfilling relationship
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