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The 3 BIGGEST Relationship Mistakes You’re Making (& How to Fix Them!)

By Lewis Howes

In this episode of The School of Greatness podcast, Esther Perel, Lewis Howes, and other experts explore the complexities of modern relationships and offer practical advice for building lasting connections. They delve into the evolving cultural landscape, where relationships face increasingly high expectations of fulfillment and self-actualization.

The discussion highlights key elements that contribute to successful long-term relationships, such as emotional intimacy, vulnerability, healthy communication, and the ability to navigate conflicts. Experts emphasize the importance of self-awareness, personal growth, and open dialogue in fostering conscious relationships that prioritize shared values and commitment.

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The 3 BIGGEST Relationship Mistakes You’re Making (& How to Fix Them!)

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The 3 BIGGEST Relationship Mistakes You’re Making (& How to Fix Them!)

1-Page Summary

The Evolution of Relationships

The structured relationship norms of traditional societies have given way to more fluid, individually focused connections in today's "network societies." According to Esther Perel, fixed relationship obligations have declined, with commitments constantly up for renegotiation.

Modern Identity Focus and Relationship Complexity

Relationships have become more complex due to society's emphasis on finding meaning and self-actualization through them. Individuals seek personal fulfillment and self-expression in their careers, locations, and families. This "identity economy" has heightened sensitivity around the self, making relationships more fragile, as Perel states.

High Expectations and Workplace Parallels

Perel notes that intimate relationships now carry expectations of emotional, spiritual, and practical fulfillment once sought from religion and community. Similarly, the workplace has become a site for relational fulfillment, with "soft skills" like trust and belonging prioritized alongside tasks.

Key Relationship Elements

Lewis Howes highlights emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and healthy communication as crucial for successful long-term relationships. As Michael Bungay Stanier explains, the ability to "fight well" and repair breaches predicts relationship longevity. Gary John Bishop posits that forgiveness is essential for recovering from conflicts.

Self-Awareness and Personal Growth

According to Bishop and Howes, addressing one's psychological wounds allows people to bring their full, authentic selves to relationships. Esther Perel cautions against seeking completion through a partner, stressing shared values, vision, and commitment to growth.

Building a Conscious Relationship

Experts advise open communication and setting expectations early on. Regular counseling or coaching maintains connection. Stanier and Howes endorse discussing each partner's priorities from the start. Bishop and Perel recommend balancing stability with new adventures to prevent stagnation.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • In the context of "network societies," the term typically refers to modern societies where individuals form connections and relationships in a more fluid and individually focused manner, often facilitated by advancements in communication technologies like the internet and social media. These societies emphasize the interconnectedness of individuals through various networks, allowing for greater flexibility and diversity in relationship dynamics. The term highlights the shift from traditional, structured relationship norms to a more interconnected and dynamic approach to forming and maintaining relationships in today's digital age.
  • The term "identity economy" refers to a societal shift where individuals place significant value on personal fulfillment and self-expression through various aspects of their lives, including careers, locations, and relationships. This emphasis on self-identity and meaning has led to a heightened focus on individuality and self-discovery within modern society. In this context, people seek to define themselves through their choices and experiences, viewing their personal identity as a valuable asset in shaping their lives and relationships. This concept underscores the idea that individuals now prioritize self-awareness and authenticity as key components of their overall well-being and satisfaction.
  • Soft skills are interpersonal attributes that enable someone to interact effectively and harmoniously with others. They include communication, teamwork, problem-solving, and emotional intelligence, among others. Unlike hard skills, which are job-specific, soft skills are transferable across various roles and industries. Employers value soft skills for fostering positive work environments and enhancing productivity.
  • "Psychological wounds" typically refer to emotional or mental injuries that individuals may carry from past experiences, such as trauma, abuse, or significant losses. These wounds can impact a person's thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, often leading to challenges in relationships and personal well-being. Addressing psychological wounds involves acknowledging and working through past pain to promote healing and personal growth. By understanding and healing these wounds, individuals can cultivate healthier relationships and lead more fulfilling lives.
  • A conscious relationship is one where both partners are actively aware and intentional about their connection. It involves open communication, setting expectations early on, and a commitment to personal growth and mutual understanding. This type of relationship emphasizes self-awareness, shared values, and ongoing efforts to maintain a healthy and evolving connection. The focus is on fostering a deep and meaningful bond through continuous dialogue, self-reflection, and a willingness to address challenges together.

Counterarguments

  • While individual fulfillment is important, some argue that too much focus on personal fulfillment can lead to selfishness in relationships, undermining the mutual support and sacrifice that strengthen bonds.
  • The idea that relationship obligations are constantly up for renegotiation might lead to instability and insecurity within relationships, as partners may feel less certain of their commitment levels.
  • The complexity added to relationships by the search for self-actualization might not be a universal experience; some individuals or cultures may still prioritize traditional values and roles.
  • The notion that relationships are more fragile due to an "identity economy" could be seen as a narrow view that doesn't account for the resilience and adaptability that many individuals and relationships exhibit.
  • The expectation that intimate relationships provide emotional, spiritual, and practical fulfillment might be unrealistic and put undue pressure on partnerships, potentially setting them up for failure.
  • The parallel drawn between workplace relationships and personal relationships might oversimplify the distinct nature and dynamics of each.
  • The emphasis on emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and communication, while important, might not account for the fact that different relationships may thrive with varying levels of these elements.
  • The ability to "fight well" and repair breaches as a predictor of relationship longevity could be too simplistic, as other factors like compatibility, shared goals, and external stressors also play significant roles.
  • The focus on forgiveness might overlook the complexity of some conflicts where forgiveness is not easily attainable or may not be the healthiest option.
  • The advice to address psychological wounds could imply that individuals with unresolved issues are incapable of having successful relationships, which may not be the case.
  • The caution against seeking completion through a partner might dismiss the deep interdependence and mutual fulfillment that can be a healthy part of a partnership.
  • The recommendation for open communication and setting expectations early on might not consider that some relationships evolve with time and that flexibility can be beneficial.
  • Regular counseling or coaching might not be necessary or feasible for all couples, and some relationships may thrive without professional intervention.
  • Endorsing the discussion of each partner's priorities from the start might not take into account that priorities can change over time, and the ability to adapt can be just as important.
  • The recommendation to balance stability with new adventures might not resonate with couples who find contentment in routine and predictability.

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The 3 BIGGEST Relationship Mistakes You’re Making (& How to Fix Them!)

The evolution of relationships in modern society

The nature of relationships in modern society has transformed drastically from the structured communal ties of the past to today's more flexible, individually focused connections.

Traditional societies had clearly codified relationship rules and structures that provided stability and a sense of belonging, but today's "network societies" are characterized by more fluid, negotiated relationships.

In traditional societies, relationships were defined by clear rules, obligations, with a tight structure dictating roles, expectations, and a sense of belonging within family and community life. One knew to visit family on Sundays, call their grandmother weekly, or attend church without second-guessing the significance of these actions. However, the rise of "network societies" has seen the decline of these fixed structures, giving way to loosely connected networks with commitments subject to change. Nowadays, social obligations once considered rules are constantly up for negotiation.

The shift from tight-knit traditional communities to loosely connected "network societies" has led to a decline in fixed relationship structures and an increase in negotiated commitments that can be easily revoked.

Previously, little thought was given to job distribution within a relationship or who had certain rights in a marriage, as traditional roles were deeply entrenched. These set traditions have been replaced by personal choice and constant self-examination.

The modern focus on individual identity, self-improvement, and self-expression has made relationships more complex and fragile.

Society's modern emphasis on finding personal meaning, purpose, and self-actualization through relationships makes them more intricate. Individuals now often quest for personal fulfillment and a reflection of their identity in their relational decisions concerning careers, location, and family.

People today have a stronger emphasis on finding personal meaning, purpose, and self-actualization through their relationships, rather than relying on traditional roles and obligations.

...

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The evolution of relationships in modern society

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • The term "identity economy" refers to a societal shift where personal identity and self-expression hold significant value and influence in various aspects of life, including relationships, work, and personal choices. It emphasizes the importance of individual identity, self-discovery, and self-fulfillment in modern society. This concept highlights how people now prioritize finding personal meaning and purpose through their relationships and how this focus on the self impacts societal norms and expectations. The "identity economy" underscores a cultural environment where personal identity and self-actualization play a central role in shaping one's decisions and interactions.
  • Esther Perel is a renowned psychotherapist and author known for her work on relationships and sexuality. She often explores themes such as infidelity, desire, and the complexities of modern relationships. Perel's perspective emphasizes the importance of individual growth and self-discovery within relationships, challenging traditional notions of roles and obligations. Her contributions have sparked conversations about the evolving nature of intimacy and connection in today's society.
  • In modern times, the concept of the self being easily overwhelmed or threatened relates to th ...

Counterarguments

  • While it's true that modern relationships are often more fluid, it's also possible that this flexibility can lead to stronger, more resilient relationships as individuals learn to adapt and grow together.
  • The decline in fixed relationship structures doesn't necessarily mean a decline in commitment or stability; it could also reflect a shift towards more egalitarian relationships where both parties have a say in defining their roles.
  • The emphasis on personal meaning and self-actualization in relationships doesn't preclude the possibility of individuals also finding deep satisfaction in traditional roles or communal ties.
  • The idea that relationships are more fragile in modern society could be contested by pointing out that the increased awareness and communication about personal needs may lead to more honest and thus stronger relationships.
  • The concept of an "identity economy" suggests a commodification of self that may not resonate with everyone's experience; some may find that their relationships are less about self-promotion and more about mutual support and growth.
  • The notion that tradit ...

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The 3 BIGGEST Relationship Mistakes You’re Making (& How to Fix Them!)

The high expectations and challenges of modern relationships

Esther Perel discusses the evolution of intimate relationships and how they now harbor the high stake expectations once reserved for other social constructs, such as religion and community, and the parallel challenges found in the modern workplace.

Intimate relationships today are expected to provide a wide range of emotional, spiritual, and practical fulfillment that was previously sought from religion, community, and social institutions.

Perel mentions that marriage, once a practical arrangement for survival and procreation, has since taken on a service economy role, prioritizing sexual connection and pleasure. It has further evolved to embody an expectation for personal growth and transformation—marriages are viewed as vehicles for identity development, self-improvement, and becoming the best version of oneself.

People want their romantic partnerships to be transformative, transcendent, and deeply meaningful, in addition to serving practical needs.

Perel asserts that contemporary relationships are expected to be transformative and deeply meaningful, providing emotional, spiritual, and purposeful fulfillment. Partners are envisaged as best friends, trusted confidantes, passionate lovers, intellectual equals, and co-parents, all while managing the day-to-day and maintaining passion and adventure.

The workplace has also become a site for emotional and relational fulfillment, with increased emphasis on "soft skills" like trust, belonging, and psychological safety.

Paralleling personal relationships, Perel notes that the emotional and interpersonal stakes of the workplace have become equally critical. Work is no lon ...

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The high expectations and challenges of modern relationships

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Intimate relationships serving as vehicles for personal growth and transformation means that partners support each other in evolving as individuals, fostering self-improvement, and achieving their full potential. This concept suggests that relationships offer opportunities for emotional and spiritual development, helping individuals become the best versions of themselves. It implies that through the dynamics of a relationship, individuals can learn, grow, and transform in ways that may not be possible alone. This idea underscores the belief that healthy relationships can catalyze personal growth and lead to profound transformations in individuals.
  • In the past, people often relied on religion and community for emotional, spiritual, and practical support. Nowadays, these expectations are increasingly placed on intimate relationships. This shift means that modern relationships are now expected to fulfill roles that were traditionally the domain of broader social structures. This comparison highlights the evolving nature of relationships and the changing dynamics of emotional fulfillment in contemporary society.
  • In modern times, work is seen not just as a means of earning a living but also as a source of emotional and relational fulfillment. This means that beyond the practical aspects of a job, individuals seek connections, a sense of belonging, and emotional satisfaction from their work environment. The workplace has evolved to prioritize factors like trust, belonging, and psychological safety alongside traditional job responsibilities. This shift reflects a broader societal trend where work plays a signific ...

Counterarguments

  • While intimate relationships may be expected to provide a wide range of fulfillments, this can lead to unrealistic expectations and pressure on individuals, potentially causing dissatisfaction and strain in relationships.
  • The view of marriages as vehicles for personal growth may overlook the importance of individual autonomy and the idea that personal development can and should occur outside of a romantic partnership.
  • The expectation for romantic partnerships to be transformative and deeply meaningful might not acknowledge the validity and healthiness of relationships that prioritize companionship and stability over constant transformation.
  • Expecting partners to fulfill multiple roles (best friends, confidantes, lovers, equals, co-parents) can be overwhelming and may not take into account the benefits of having a diverse support network beyond a romantic partner.
  • The idea that the workplace should provide emotional and relational fulfillment might not consider the potential for professional boundaries to be compromised, leading to issues such as favoritism or conflicts of interest.
  • Emphasizing "soft skills" like trust, belonging, and psychological safety is important, but it should not overshadow the need for competence, hard skills, and performance in the workplace.
  • While work can be central to people's identity and purpose, this perspective may c ...

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The 3 BIGGEST Relationship Mistakes You’re Making (& How to Fix Them!)

The importance of emotional intimacy, communication, and repair in relationships

Experts like Lewis Howes, Michael Bungay Stanier, and Gary John Bishop discuss the critical elements that foster successful long-term relationships: emotional intimacy, communication, and the ability to repair ruptures.

Successful long-term relationships require a strong foundation of emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and the willingness to have difficult conversations.

Lewis Howes emphasizes the importance of reflecting on past relationships to understand what works and what doesn't in terms of building successful relationships. He points out that creating agreements, understanding boundaries, and resolving conflict are key through effective communication. Acknowledging past relationship mistakes is a necessary step towards emotional safety, as is the desire for therapy when needed. There's a foundational need for tough conversations that address uncomfortable topics to establish clear boundaries and commitments.

The ability to "fight well" and effectively repair breaches in the relationship is a key indicator of long-term relationship success.

The ability to fight well and repair the relationship is a critical skill for long-term success, as noted by Michael Bungay Stanier. He acknowledges the difficulty most people have in fixing relationships after feeling broken, betrayed, or let down and describes destructive patterns such as fight, flight, or "fix" behaviors. These behaviors can engage individuals in the drama triangle where they cycle through the roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer—thereby exacerbating conflict.

Stanier poses a crucial question reflecting on how, in a relationship, things can go wrong and the importance of discussing potential problems and solutions early on. He shares personal insights from conversations with his wife, revealing how they learned from past relationships. His past tendency to disconnect and his wife's intolerance for being taken for granted were key discoveries that guided their mutual understanding.

Gary John Bishop speaks to the reality that arguments are a natural part of any relationship. He implies that conflict, when managed well, doesn't necessarily spell the end of a relationship but can lead to growth. Stanier's "repair question" strategy encourages couples to discuss how they will handle conflicts ahead of time, thus establishing a proactive plan for addressing and resolving issues.

Lewis Howes connects the success of a relationshi ...

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The importance of emotional intimacy, communication, and repair in relationships

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Counterarguments

  • While emotional intimacy is important, some individuals or cultures may prioritize other forms of intimacy or connection, such as intellectual or spiritual intimacy, and still maintain successful relationships.
  • Reflecting on past relationships can be beneficial, but it can also lead to over-analyzing or projecting past issues onto current relationships if not done carefully.
  • The idea that effective communication always resolves conflict may overlook situations where fundamental differences or incompatibilities exist that communication alone cannot resolve.
  • Tough conversations are important, but they must be balanced with positive interactions to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.
  • The concept of "fighting well" assumes that all individuals have the same communication styles or conflict resolution skills, which may not account for neurodiversity or different communication needs.
  • The emphasis on repair and forgiveness may inadvertently pressure individuals to stay in relationships that are unhealthy or abusive, under the guise of working towards repair.
  • The notion that arguments are a natural part of any relationship may not resonate with those who believe in maintaining peace and harmony as central to their relationship success.
  • The proactive plan for addressing and resolving issues may not always be practical in the face of unexpected or ...

Actionables

  • You can create a "relationship journal" where you document your feelings, conflicts, and resolutions after each significant interaction with your partner. This practice will help you notice patterns, reflect on emotional intimacy, and improve communication. For example, after a disagreement, write down what triggered it, how both of you responded, and what steps were taken to resolve it. Over time, you'll have a clearer understanding of how to prevent similar issues and strengthen your bond.
  • Develop a "conflict resolution toolkit" with your partner that includes strategies for calming down, active listening, and expressing feelings without blame. You might include breathing exercises to do before conversations, a list of "I feel" statements to articulate emotions without accusing, and a mutual agreement to take a time-out if the discussion gets too heated. Use this toolkit whenever a conflict arises to navigate the situation more effectively.
  • Initiate a month ...

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The role of self-awareness and personal growth in relationship success

Understanding oneself and engaging in personal growth is essential for the success of relationships, as Bishop, Perel, and Howes discuss.

Individuals must do the work of understanding and healing their own psychological wounds and insecurities in order to bring their full, authentic selves to a relationship.

Gary John Bishop and Lewis Howes address how unresolved issues from the past can affect present relationships. Bishop emphasizes dealing with the first two decades of life, asserting that experiences and beliefs form at this time which solidify and inform the rest of one's life unless one chooses differently. He emphasizes self-acceptance and allowing oneself to be imperfect in a relationship. Howes speaks about healing his inner child wounds, changing his relationship with his younger psychological self, which allowed him to feel safe and free on his own, without the need to please others.

Unresolved issues from one's upbringing and past relationships can create unhealthy patterns and expectations that get repeated in new partnerships.

Bishop discusses how people may unconsciously seek out partners to fill a void or solve an immediate problem related to their insecurities, perpetuating a cycle of issues within relationships. He shares how personal feelings from earlier years, such as feeling inadequate or unlovable, can shape self-perception and influence how individuals express themselves in relationships. Bishop suggests facing these ingrained beliefs to express something new within relationships that's of one's own creation. Lewis Howes also reflects on his pattern of relationships and recognizes the need to address unresolved issues to avoid repeating the same patterns.

Choosing a partner should be less about finding someone who "completes" you and more about aligning on shared values, vision, and commitment to personal growth.

Bishop talks about focusing on embodying the qualities one seeks in a relationship rather than looking for them in a partner. He describes an experience where he stopped seeking specific expressions of love from his wife, allowing her to be herself, which resulted in a significant positive shift in their relationship dynamic. Perel critiques the idea that one must solely focus on self-improvement before a relationship and emphasizes that growth occurs ...

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The role of self-awareness and personal growth in relationship success

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Counterarguments

  • While understanding and healing psychological wounds can be beneficial, it's not always a prerequisite for successful relationships; some individuals may find that they grow and heal through the support and dynamics of a healthy relationship.
  • Some individuals may not have significant unresolved issues from their upbringing but still encounter challenges in relationships due to personality differences, communication styles, or external stressors.
  • The idea of choosing a partner based on shared values and personal growth can be overly idealistic; practical considerations such as compatibility in daily living, mutual attraction, and timing also play significant roles in relationship success.
  • The concept that both partners must evolve together can be unrealistic; individuals grow at different rates and in different ways, and a successful relationship can involve navigating these differences rather than always being in parallel.
  • The emphasis on self-improvement within the r ...

Actionables

  • Create a 'relationship growth journal' where you and your partner can document your individual and shared growth goals, noting progress and reflections monthly. This practice encourages open communication about personal development and ensures that both partners are aligned in their growth journey. For example, one partner might set a goal to become more patient, while the other aims to improve their listening skills; both can then reflect on how these individual improvements contribute to a healthier relationship dynamic.
  • Develop a 'relationship roadmap' that outlines the stages of your life together, with specific milestones for personal and relationship growth. This could include plans for career development, hobbies, travel, family, and education that you both value. For instance, in your thirties, you might focus on career advancement and starting a family, while your forties might be dedicated to learning new skills together or engaging in community service.
  • Initiate a monthly 'values ...

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The 3 BIGGEST Relationship Mistakes You’re Making (& How to Fix Them!)

Strategies for choosing and building a conscious, fulfilling relationship

In the journey of building conscious, fulfilling relationships, experts like Howes, Bishop, and Perel offer clear strategies beginning from the foundation to maintaining longevity.

Open Communication from the Start

Howes emphasizes the value of starting a relationship with a strong communication foundation, as evidenced by asking his girlfriend about going to therapy together not because they had issues, but to cultivate a safe space for conversation. This proactive approach of regular engagement in counseling or coaching sessions can significantly reduce conflicts, allowing partners to embrace grace, flexibility, and courageous communication in the relationship.

Regular Engagement in Relationship Strengthening

Rather than waiting for crises to emerge, couples can benefit from regular counseling. This aids in establishing a consistent foundation of open discussions, a strategy that Howes believes helped reduce conflict and enhance communication in his own relationship.

Setting Intentions and Expectations

Stanier and Howes both advocate for early conversations about each partner’s vision and expectations for the relationship. They reflect on discussions they had with their partners where they were honest about their priorities and boundaries. Both cite the importance of recognizing past patterns to avoid repeating the same issues. These strategic discussions help partners navigate potential challenges.

Creating Balance and Seeking Adventure

Bishop and Perel suggest that relationships thrive on both love and adventure. Bishop realized that he needed to bring that excitement into the relationship rather than expecting it solely from his partner. Perel advises diversifying expectations and relying on multiple sources for emotional support rather than expecting everything from one's partner. She recommends engaging in new activities often enough to create a balance between stability and change, which is essential to prevent stagnation.

Questions Before Marriage

Howes proposes that there are fundamental questions to a ...

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Strategies for choosing and building a conscious, fulfilling relationship

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While starting with a strong communication foundation is important, some relationships may develop effective communication over time as partners grow and learn about each other.
  • Regular counseling can be beneficial, but it may not be necessary or financially feasible for all couples; alternative methods of conflict resolution and communication enhancement can also be effective.
  • Setting intentions and expectations early on is important, but these can also evolve as the relationship grows; flexibility and adaptability can be just as crucial as initial clarity.
  • Recognizing past patterns is useful, but overemphasis on past issues can sometimes overshadow the present dynamics and individual growth.
  • Adventure and excitement are valuable, but some relationships may thrive on comfort, predictability, and a shared appreciation for the familiar.
  • Diversifying expectations for emotional support is wise, but it's also important to acknowledge that for some individuals, a deep connection with a single partner is a primary source of emotional fulfillment.
  • Engaging in new activities to balance stability and change is beneficial, but some couples may find deep satisfaction in a routine that provides a sense of security and predictability.
  • Fundamental questions before marriage are key, but the timing and nature of these questions can vary greatly depending on cultural, personal ...

Actionables

  • Create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner to chart out communication goals and milestones. Sit down together and draft a visual representation of where you see your communication evolving over time, including checkpoints for revisiting your intentions, expectations, priorities, and boundaries. This could be a physical poster or a digital graphic that you both contribute to, ensuring that it's a living document that grows with your relationship.
  • Develop a "pattern journal" to track and reflect on past relationship behaviors. Keep a personal journal where you note down recurring issues or patterns from past relationships. Regularly review your entries to identify any negative cycles. Use this insight to initiate conversations with your partner about these patterns and brainstorm proactive solutions to prevent them from repeating.
  • Organize a monthly "adventure date" where each person takes turns planning ...

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