Relationship Experts Debate the Hidden Causes of Cheating (5 Signs to Watch For) Matthew Hussey & Sadia Khan

Infidelity is a complex issue that affects many relationships, despite the commitment between partners. Experts discuss the reasons behind cheating and offer insights into the differences between how men and women handle infidelity, stressing the importance of partner selection based on compatibility and integrity.

Reasons why people may cheat despite being in a committed relationship

Experts like Sadia Khan and Matthew Hussey delve into various motives that drive individuals to infidelity, even when they're in a committed partnership.

Lack of communication and vulnerability between partners about their sexual/emotional needs and desires

Sadia Khan points out that people might cheat because they are unable to have difficult conversations with their partners about their true needs. Khan believes that individuals suppress their true selves at the start of relationships, lacking the courage to be honest or end the relationship, which leads to a false identity and, possibly, infidelity. As people age, this can evolve into behaviors like cheating due to increased bravery or a reduced fear of losing their families. Not addressing needs can open the door to infidelity. Hussey reinforces this, stating there's no excuse for not having conversations about issues in the relationship before deciding to cheat. When sexual and emotional needs are not openly communicated, people may seek to fulfill these needs elsewhere, including through infidelity.

Feeling a sense of entitlement or deserving of "something special" after years of perceived sacrifice and loyalty in the relationship

People often feel that after years of loyalty, they deserve to enjoy their life, which can sometimes lead to infidelity. Men, feeling deprived of sex, may justify cheating, considering it a right they've earned with age. Hussey discusses a rationale for men cheating: They feel they've put in their service and, at some point, feel entitled to something for themselves, such as an encounter with an escort.

Compartmentalizing their sexual identity/fantasies from their partner, who they may now see in a more maternal/non-sexual light

Some men compartmentalize their wives into maternal figures, separating them from the sexual fantasies they harbor, creating a disconnect between their desires and the woman they married. Long-term relationships can see men craving sexual adventure, and they may feel their wife can no longer provide that if they see her in a maternal and non-sexual light, sparking a desire to cheat.

Differences in how men and women may approach and respond to infidelity

Differences exist between men and women in how they approach and respond to infidelity, albeit the input primarily focuses on the men's perspective.

Women tend to be more attuned to potential signs of infidelity in their partner

While the transcript does not provide a detailed comparison between men and women's detection of infidelity, Sadia Khan implies that women are not as naive and are more observant of behavioral changes that might indicate a partner's infidelity.

Men may be more naive about the possibility of their partner cheating, and less observant of potential warning signs

Sadia Khan suggests that m ...

Matthew Hussey and Sadia Khan delve into the complexities of self-compassion, self-esteem, and communication within relationships, emphasizing the balance required for healthy interaction and growth.

The dangers of excessive self-compassion versus self-accountability

Matthew Hussey shares insights about the trap of self-compassion leading to excuses for poor behavior, while Sadia Khan suggests replacing it with self-responsibility to avoid victimhood.

Self-compassion can lead to making excuses for poor behavior or a lack of growth

Both Hussey and Khan agree that while self-compassion is important, if misapplied, it can result in stagnation or justifying harmful behavior, such as staying in abusive relationships. Hussey reveals that in his experience, a lack of self-compassion has led to a cycle of self-abuse and emphasizes that self-compassion should not lead to tolerating mistreatment but rather to self-care and improvement.

True self-compassion creates a foundation for taking responsibility and making positive changes

Hussey advocates for a form of self-compassion married with accountability, which he sees as more healing and transformative. He explains that true self-compassion involves forgiving oneself for past mistakes and does not equate to self-aggrandizement. Khan adds by mentioning that after self-forgiveness, one must ask, "now what?" to initiate a journey towards change and betterment.

The interplay between self-acceptance, self-esteem, and self-respect

Understanding oneself deeply is at the core of self-confidence, and plays a pivotal role in how people conduct themselves in relationships.

Self-acceptance as the deepest form of confidence, rooted in radical self-acceptance

According to Hussey, self-acceptance is a deep form of confidence that comes from a place of radical understanding and acceptance of oneself as one currently is. He believes this forms the first step in aspiring to a better life.

Building self-esteem through accomplishments and hard work

Hussey touches on the idea that self-esteem and self-respect are solidified through accomplishing difficult tasks. However, he also warns that self-esteem can be built through self-tyranny, which may lead to a form of respect but not necessarily self-love.

Self-respect as the combination of self-acceptance and self-esteem

Sadia Khan prioritizes self-respect, which improves mental health and prompts one to make productive decisions, highlighting how it’s enhanced by taking responsible actions. She believes that self-respect ...

Before stepping into a long-term committed relationship, it is essential to reflect on past experiences, align on core values, and anticipate behaviors in adverse situations, as shared by Sadia Khan, Lewis Howes, and Matthew Hussey.

Ensuring you have processed past wounds and are not seeking to "fix" them through a new relationship

Avoiding using a partner as a means to heal unresolved issues or gain validation

Sadia Khan emphasizes the importance of self-reflection to ensure you're not looking to a new partner to heal old wounds or gain validation. She makes an analogy to locking your doors to avoid theft; similarly, you should protect yourself by being cautious if you've observed red flags in your partner's behavior. This can indicate using relationships to avoid addressing personal unresolved issues.

Lewis Howes speaks on the necessity of fully accepting oneself and one's history before entering a relationship and not relying on a partner to resolve past wounds or for validation.

Matthew Hussey reinforces this idea, advising to do the work of accepting one's past to prevent unresolved issues from compromising a new relationship.

Establishing mutual understanding and alignment around core values, needs, and dealbreakers

Openly discussing difficult topics like sex, finances, parenting, and conflict resolution

Khan underscores the necessity of honesty regarding one's needs and the importance of an open dialogue to understand the partner's needs.

Howes expands on the concept of getting clear on the type of relationship you want, ensuring that the vision aligns with the other person's. He suggests that values should be communicated transparently, covering difficult topics such as children, family involvement, personal security, and infidelity.

Integral to the selection process of a partner is understanding each other's values, needs, and desires, making it vital to engage in formidable conversations around topics such as sex, finances, parenting, and how conflicts will be resolved.

Assessing how each partner is likely to behave in the event of a breakup or divorce

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