World Leading Therapist: Why You Feel Stuck in Life & How to Get Unstuck
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, therapist Lori Gottlieb joins Mel Robbins to examine how the stories we tell ourselves shape our lives, relationships, and behaviors. The conversation explores why people often blame others for their problems rather than examining their own roles, using real patient examples to illustrate how these narratives can damage relationships.
Gottlieb and Robbins discuss practical ways to identify and rewrite unhelpful personal narratives that may stem from upbringing and past experiences. They share techniques for examining thoughts with curiosity instead of judgment, finding evidence that contradicts negative self-beliefs, and establishing boundaries that reinforce personal agency. The episode also addresses how changing our own responses in relationships can transform relationship dynamics.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Nov 24, 2025 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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The Power of the Stories We Tell Ourselves
Mel Robbins and therapist Lori Gottlieb explore how the narratives we create about ourselves shape our lives and how changing these stories can lead to personal transformation.
Stories Shape Our Lives and Relationships
Robbins and Gottlieb explain that our internal narratives significantly influence our feelings, decisions, and behaviors. These stories often lead us to blame others for our problems rather than examining our own roles. For example, Gottlieb shares how one of her patients, John, damaged his relationships by consistently blaming others, which resulted in people disliking him.
Identifying and Rewriting Unhelpful Stories
According to Gottlieb, many of our personal stories stem from our upbringing and past experiences, yet they don't always serve us well. She emphasizes the importance of questioning whether our self-talk is kind, true, and useful. Gottlieb suggests that by becoming aware of our stories and examining their foundations, we can rewrite them into more empowering narratives.
Strategies For Identifying and Reframing Narratives
Gottlieb and Robbins note that heightened emotional reactions often point to deeper, underlying personal narratives. They suggest that instead of harsh self-judgment, which deepens negative narratives, we should explore our thoughts with curiosity and self-compassion. Gottlieb emphasizes the value of identifying "counterexamples" that contradict our negative stories, such as recalling times of success when we believe we're "not good enough."
Applying Story Editing To Relationships and Life Changes
Robbins and Gottlieb describe relationships as a dance where changing our own moves can transform the dynamic. Rather than trying to change others, they advocate for altering our own responses. Gottlieb also emphasizes the importance of acknowledging grief during transitions, even positive ones, and establishing clear, compassionate boundaries to reinforce our narrative agency.
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Counterarguments
- While personal narratives do shape our lives, it's important to recognize that external factors such as socioeconomic status, systemic issues, and random life events also play a significant role in shaping our experiences and opportunities, which may not always be within our control to change through narrative alone.
- The emphasis on self-examination and reframing narratives might overlook the validity of some negative emotions and experiences, which can be legitimate responses to real injustices or external challenges.
- The idea that we can simply rewrite our narratives may be overly simplistic for those with mental health conditions, where professional treatment is often necessary.
- The concept of not blaming others and looking inward could potentially lead to an overemphasis on personal responsibility, which might ignore the accountability that should be shared by others or by societal structures.
- The strategies for identifying and reframing narratives may not be universally applicable or effective for everyone, as individuals have different coping mechanisms and psychological makeups.
- The suggestion to change our own responses in relationships, while potentially empowering, might not address situations where the other party's behavior is abusive or toxic, and the best course of action could be to leave the relationship.
- Acknowledging grief during transitions is important, but the text does not address how to handle situations where grief is prolonged or complicated, which may require more than just acknowledgment.
- The idea of establishing clear, compassionate boundaries is valuable, but in practice, setting and maintaining boundaries can be complex and challenging, especially in environments where there is an imbalance of power or in cultures where boundaries are not respected.
Actionables
- You can track your emotional responses in a journal to uncover underlying narratives. Whenever you feel a strong emotion, write down the situation, your immediate thoughts, and the story you're telling yourself about what happened. Over time, patterns will emerge, showing you which narratives are at play. For example, if you consistently write about feeling undervalued at work, you might discover a narrative that you're not recognized for your efforts, which you can then address.
- Create a "narrative map" to visualize the origins and impacts of your personal stories. Draw a flowchart that starts with an early life experience, then branches out to show how this has influenced your subsequent thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This can help you see how a childhood experience, like being criticized for making mistakes, may have led to a fear of failure that affects your current decision-making.
- Engage in "narrative role-play" with a trusted friend or family member to practice new responses in relationships. Act out a typical scenario where you might fall into old narrative patterns, but this time, consciously choose a different reaction that reflects the new narrative you want to embody. For instance, if you usually get defensive when receiving feedback, try expressing gratitude for the opportunity to improve instead.
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The Power of the Stories We Tell Ourselves
Mel Robbins introduces the concept that by changing the stories we tell ourselves, we can transform our lives, a notion reinforced by therapist Lori Gottlieb who helps individuals rewrite their narratives.
Stories Shape Our Lives and Relationships More Than We Realize
Robbins and Gottlieb discuss the profound impact our internal narratives have on our lives, influencing our feelings, decisions, and behaviors.
Internal Narratives Drive Our Feelings, Decisions, and Behaviors
The stories we tell ourselves run our lives, affecting our self-doubt, anxiety, and interpersonal relationships. Robbins highlights that these narratives often lead us to attribute our problems to others rather than examining our own roles. For instance, a woman's narrative about infidelity, rooted in her father's past actions, shaped her perception of her husband. Similarly, John, a patient of Gottlieb's, negatively influenced his relationships by blaming others, which resulted in people generally disliking him.
Identifying and Rewriting Unhelpful Stories
Robbins and Gottlieb examine different ways our personal stories, influenced by upbringing and societal expectations, do not always serve us and how we can edit them for the better.
Many Stories We Tell Ourselves Stem From Upbringing, Past Experiences, or Societal Expectations, Not Necessarily True or Serving Us
Gottlieb points out that labels received during upbringing become part of our internal narrative, often leaving us feeling incapable or difficult. She emphasizes the importance of offering "wise compassion" to help friends see their roles in situations rather than just affirming their existing stories. Gottlieb also notes the tendency to stick to familiar patterns in adult relationships that feel like home, despite them not being beneficial.
Becoming Aware of Our Stories and Questioning Their Kindness, Truth, and Usefulness Empowers Us to Edit Them
Gottlieb mentions that our self-talk isn't always kind or true or useful, and how we talk to ourselves can impact our feelings about who we are. She encourages questioning our narratives, especially when we tend to globalize a negative story about ourselves based on selective incidents. She discusses how negative stories such as "I can't trust anyone" can be reinterpreted and revised into empowering narratives.
Gottlieb explains the importance of owning our choices and recognizing the freedom we have to change our narratives, exemplified by the metaphor o ...
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The Power of the Stories We Tell Ourselves
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Clarifications
- Internal narratives are the ongoing stories and beliefs we hold about ourselves and the world, formed from past experiences and influences. They act like mental filters, shaping how we interpret events and react emotionally. These narratives guide our choices by influencing what we expect to happen and how safe or capable we feel. Changing these stories can alter our emotional responses and decision-making patterns.
- "Wise compassion" means offering empathy combined with honest insight, helping others recognize their own contributions to a situation rather than just comforting them. It involves gently challenging unhelpful beliefs while supporting emotional understanding. This approach encourages personal responsibility and growth. It balances kindness with truth to promote healthier perspectives.
- "Globalizing" a negative story means taking one or a few specific negative events and applying them broadly to your entire life or identity. For example, failing one task might lead someone to believe they are a complete failure in everything. This cognitive distortion exaggerates the impact of isolated incidents, making the negative belief seem universal and permanent. Recognizing this helps challenge and revise overly broad, untrue self-judgments.
- The metaphor of a prisoner not realizing the sides are open illustrates how people can feel trapped by their own limiting beliefs or stories without seeing the possibility of change. It highlights that the barriers we perceive are often self-imposed and can be removed once we become aware of them. This awareness allows us to step outside old narratives and choose new, more empowering ones. Essentially, it emphasizes the freedom we have to rewrite our internal stories once we recognize the constraints are not real.
- To identify if self-talk is kind, true, and useful, start by noticing your inner dialogue without judgment. Ask yourself if the statement is compassionate, factually accurate, and helps you move forward. Challenge exaggerations or negative generalizations by seeking evidence that contradicts them. Replace harsh or unhelpful thoughts with balanced, supportive ones that encourage growth.
- "Starting with a blank slate" means intentionally setting aside existing beliefs and judgments about ourselves. It involves approaching our thoughts and feelings without preconceived notions or biases. This allows us to objectively evaluate whether our internal stories are accurate or helpful. By "unknowing," we create space to form new, healthier narratives based on evidence and kindness rather than past assumptions.
- Adults stick to familiar but unhelpful relational patterns due to attachment styles formed in early childhood, which create expectations about relationships. These patterns provide a sense of predictability and emotional safety, even if they cause distress. The brain prefers known experiences to avoid the anxiety of uncertainty, reinforcing repeated behaviors. Changing these patterns requires conscious effort to tolerate discomfort and develop new relational habits.
- Owning choices means accepting re ...
Counterarguments
- While changing the stories we tell ourselves can be transformative, it is not a panacea for all life's problems; some issues require more than just a change in perspective.
- The impact of internal narratives on our lives is significant, but external factors such as socioeconomic status, physical health, and environmental conditions also play a crucial role in shaping our experiences.
- Attributing problems to others can sometimes be a valid recognition of external influences or systemic issues, not merely a failure to examine one's own role.
- Past experiences and upbringing are important, but people also have the capacity for resilience and can thrive despite negative narratives from their past.
- The concept of "wise compassion" may not always be effective, as some individuals may require more direct interventions or professional support to see their role in situations.
- Familiar relational patterns from the past may sometimes provide comfort and stability, which can be beneficial in certain contexts.
- Questioning the kindness, truth, and usefulness of our stories is a valuable practice, but it can also lead to overanalyzing or second-guessing oneself, which may be counterproductive.
- Self-talk is complex, and negative self-talk can sometimes serve as a motivator for change or a signal to address underlying issues.
- Owning our choices is important, but it's also necessary to acknowledge that some choices are constrained by circumstances beyond an ...
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Strategies For Identifying and Reframing Unhelpful Narratives
Lori Gottlieb and Mel Robbins provide insights into how we can uncover and revise personal stories that hinder our growth and interactions with others.
Emotional Reactions Reveal Underlying Stories
Gottlieb and Robbins explain that heightened emotional reactions often point to a deeper, underlying personal narrative. Emotional reactions, such as saying "I can't trust anyone," are commonly traced back to past experiences where trust was broken. For instance, a woman might have an outsized reaction to her husband's behavior because it echoes her past fears rather than reflecting his actions.
Outsized Reactions Often Reveal a Deeper Personal Story
Gottlieb demonstrates how emotional reactions can offer insight into deeper personal stories by discussing the way a parent might handle a child's anger: acknowledging the feeling but addressing inappropriate actions. Robbins, too, sees feelings like anxiety as a compass pointing toward important, hidden narratives.
Revising the Story By Exploring Its Origins and Current Relevance
One can revise their personal story by inquiring about the meaning behind their reactions, considering what is actually occurring in the present, and understanding the story behind the narrative, such as exploring previous moments of connection in a relationship. By understanding the present context and questioning the stories causing our feelings, we start to align our reactions with the current reality.
Cultivating Self-Compassion and Curiosity Rewrites Our Stories
Gottlieb and Robbins emphasize that harsh self-judgment deepens negative narratives, but self-compassion can help rewrite them.
Self-Judgment Entrenches Unhelpful Narratives
Instead of shaming oneself for negative thoughts, like considering an affair, Gottlieb states it's better to explore the thoughts' origins without judgment. Furthermore, "kitchen sink fighting," where various complaints are launched in arguments, showcases how failing to focus on immediate issues can perpetuate negative narratives.
Understanding and Uncovering Origins to Change Stories
Gottlieb offers strategies for changing stories by realizing you're the author of your future. She advocates for delving into thoughts that contribute to feelings such as being stuck or wanting to feel alive again to recognize patterns and write a new narrative.
Identifying "Counterexamples" That Contradict Our Stories Allows For New Narratives
Gottlieb points out that focusing on counterexamples to negative self-perceptions is cruc ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies For Identifying and Reframing Unhelpful Narratives
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While heightened emotional reactions can indicate underlying narratives, not all strong emotions are rooted in past experiences; some may be appropriate responses to the present situation.
- Emotional reactions might sometimes accurately reflect current realities, not just past fears or traumas, and it's important to validate genuine concerns.
- Outsized emotional reactions could also be influenced by physiological factors, such as hormonal imbalances or sleep deprivation, not just psychological narratives.
- Anxiety and other emotional feelings can sometimes be misleading and may not always point toward hidden, important narratives but could be a result of misperceptions or cognitive distortions.
- Revising personal stories by exploring their origins might not always be possible or helpful, especially if it leads to rumination or if the origins are not clear.
- Understanding the current context and questioning narratives is important, but it's also crucial to recognize that some narratives may have a basis in reality and should not be dismissed without due consideration.
- Self-compassion is beneficial, but it should be balanced with accountability to ensure that it does not lead to self-indulgence or avoidance of responsibility.
- Exploring the origins of negative thoughts without judgment is important, but sometimes judgment can be a useful tool for change if it leads to constructive self-criticism.
- Focusing on counterexamples to challenge negative narratives is useful, but it's also important to acknowledge and address genuine shortcomings or areas needing improvement.
- The idea of being the author of one's future is empowering, but it should be recognized that not all aspects of life are within one's control, and ...
Actionables
- Create a "narrative map" by drawing a timeline of your life and marking significant emotional events to visualize patterns and origins of current feelings. Start by jotting down key life events, both positive and negative, and then note the emotions you associate with each. Look for trends in these emotions and consider how they might relate to your present reactions. For example, if you notice a pattern of anxiety before new beginnings, this could be a narrative you carry that needs reassessment.
- Develop a "counterexample diary" where you record instances that contradict your negative self-beliefs. Each day, write down at least one experience that challenges a limiting belief you hold about yourself. If you believe you're not good at meeting new people, note a positive interaction you had that day. Over time, this diary will serve as concrete evidence against your self-limiting narratives.
- Engage in "role-reversal" exer ...
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Applying Story Editing To Relationships and Life Changes
Robbins and Gottlieb delve into how altering the narrative of our relationships and our responses to life changes can transform our lives.
Recognizing Relationships as a "Dance" Allows Us to Change Steps
They assert that relationships can be viewed as a dance, where changing our own moves can lead to a change in the relationship dynamic.
Focused On Their Story, Not Our Role, Causes Reactive Patterns
Gottlieb notes that focusing solely on the partner's actions rather than our involvement can lead to reactive behavior. She discusses how each participant in a relationship, absorbed in their individual stories, often leads to a lack of communication and a failure to address underlying issues.
Responding Differently Creates More Possibilities Than Changing Others
Gottlieb and Robbins advocate for altering our responses rather than attempting to change our partner. By doing so, we open up new possibilities for ourselves and the relationship. By staying curious and asking questions, rather than assuming we know our partner’s “owner’s manual” we can respond differently and shape the relationship's narrative actively.
Grieving the Loss From Positive Change Is Necessary
Robbins and Gottlieb discuss the essential but often overlooked element of grieving the loss of the familiar when changes occur, even positive ones.
Transition Means Releasing the Familiar, Causing Uncertainty and Discomfort
Change entails leaving behind deeply rooted habits or environments, which can cause feelings of discomfort and uncertainty. Robbins describes moving towns and having to reckon with the sadness of leaving behind what was familiar, using the metaphor of a stairway to illustrate the progress and setbacks that accompany change.
Acknowledging Grief Facilitates Growth and Change
Gottlieb explains acknowledging the loss that comes with change as a critical step towards facilitating personal growth. Recognizing and conversing with the grieving part of ourselves eases the transitioning process, helping us adapt and accept new developments.
Clear, Compassionate Boundaries Rewrite Our ...
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Applying Story Editing To Relationships and Life Changes
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Counterarguments
- While viewing relationships as a dance suggests adaptability, it may oversimplify complex relationship dynamics that are not easily changed by one person's behavioral shifts.
- The idea that focusing on a partner's actions leads to reactive patterns might not account for situations where one partner's behavior is indeed problematic and needs addressing.
- Suggesting that altering our responses can open up new possibilities may not fully consider scenarios where the other person's behavior is harmful or abusive, and personal change alone is insufficient for a healthy relationship.
- The concept of staying curious and asking questions assumes that both partners are willing to engage in open communication, which might not always be the case.
- Grieving the loss of the familiar as a part of positive change does not acknowledge that some individuals may experience change without significant grief or loss.
- The notion that acknowledging grief facilitates growth might not resonate with everyone, as some people may find other coping mechanisms more effective.
- The emphasis on establishing clear boundaries based on self-responsibility could be challenging in relationships where power dynamics make it difficult for one person to assert their boundaries.
- The idea that boundar ...
Actionables
- You can journal about your reactions to your partner's behaviors to identify patterns in your own responses. Write down instances when you felt triggered by something your partner did, and instead of focusing on their actions, explore what emotions and thoughts it brought up in you. This can help you understand your role in the relationship dynamic and how you might change your response to create a more positive interaction.
- Create a "perspective swap" exercise where you and your partner take turns explaining each other's viewpoints during a disagreement. This encourages both of you to stay curious and understand the other's narrative, which can lead to more empathetic communication and a stronger connection.
- Develop a personal "boundary blueprint" that outlines your limits and how you int ...
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