Let Them: How to Take Back Your Peace and Power
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Robbins examines why taking responsibility for other people's emotions and well-being can be detrimental to personal peace. Drawing from research by experts including Dr. Kristin Neff and Professor Vicki Helgeson, she explores the physical and emotional toll of constantly prioritizing others' happiness over our own needs.
The episode delves into several key aspects of maintaining emotional boundaries: the difference between supporting others and carrying their burdens, the futility of trying to make others understand our choices, and the importance of internal validation. Robbins presents findings from researchers including Dr. Nicholas Epley and Christopher Sarasoli to demonstrate how releasing the need for external approval and focusing on personal authenticity can lead to better outcomes and emotional stability.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Sep 18, 2025 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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Not Being Responsible for Other People's Happiness
Mel Robbins explores the challenges and consequences of taking responsibility for others' emotions and well-being, offering insights on creating healthier boundaries and prioritizing personal joy.
Letting Go of Managing Others' Emotions
Robbins emphasizes that attempting to control others' feelings is both impossible and exhausting. She advocates for making decisions aligned with personal values rather than constantly prioritizing others' happiness. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff and Professor Vicki Helgeson supports this stance, showing that consistently putting others' needs first leads to increased stress and emotional burnout.
Not Responsible for Rescuing People from Problems
Robbins, along with Dr. Robert Waldinger, discusses the importance of distinguishing between supporting people and carrying their burdens. They emphasize that attempting to shield people from natural consequences can actually hinder their growth and healing process. Instead, Robbins suggests supporting others while maintaining clear boundaries between helping and enabling.
Not Responsible for Making People Understand Choices
Drawing from Dr. Nicholas Epley's research, Robbins explains how people filter others' choices through their own experiences and biases. She encourages listeners to release the need for others' validation and approval, emphasizing that it's not our responsibility to make others understand our choices. Instead, she advocates for prioritizing authenticity over managing others' perceptions.
Not Being Responsible for Proving One's Own Worth
Robbins discusses the importance of internal validation over external approval. She cites research by Christopher Sarasoli and his team showing that internally motivated individuals perform better. Additionally, Dr. Kristin Neff's research reveals that dependence on external validation can lead to emotional instability. Robbins encourages focusing on personal achievements and joy rather than seeking approval from others.
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Counterarguments
- While prioritizing personal values is important, it's also necessary to consider the impact of our actions on others, as social beings are interconnected, and our decisions can significantly affect those around us.
- In some relationships, such as parenting or caregiving, there is an inherent responsibility to manage and be attuned to the emotions and well-being of others, which can be a healthy part of the relationship dynamic.
- The idea of not being responsible for rescuing people from problems might overlook the complexity of certain situations where individuals or communities may lack the resources or ability to solve problems without external assistance.
- While it's important to maintain boundaries, there are cultural and societal contexts where communal living and interdependence are valued over individualism, and managing and being involved in each other's emotional lives is seen as a collective responsibility.
- The emphasis on not being responsible for making people understand one's choices might not fully acknowledge the importance of communication and mutual understanding in maintaining healthy relationships.
- The focus on internal validation, while beneficial, might not recognize the role that social support and external feedback play in personal growth and the development of a healthy self-concept.
- The assertion that internally motivated individuals perform better does not account for the fact that external motivation can also be a powerful and positive driver in certain contexts, such as team sports or collaborative projects.
- The recommendation to focus on personal achievements and joy could be interpreted as self-centered if not balanced with a consideration for the well-being of others and the community.
Actionables
- You can create a "values compass" by writing down your top five personal values and using them to guide your decisions. When faced with a choice, refer to your values compass to ensure your decision aligns with what's most important to you. For example, if one of your values is honesty, choose the option that allows you to be most transparent, even if it might not please everyone.
- Develop a "support versus carry" checklist to help you distinguish between being supportive and taking on someone else's emotional burden. Before engaging in a situation where someone seeks your help, run through the checklist to assess whether your involvement is empowering or enabling. The checklist might include questions like "Am I allowing this person to face the natural consequences of their actions?" or "Is this support compromising my own well-being?"
- Start a "joy journal" where you record personal achievements and moments of happiness each day. This practice encourages you to focus on your own growth and fulfillment rather than seeking external validation. For instance, you might write about a project you completed on your own terms or a simple pleasure you enjoyed, like a peaceful walk or a good book, reinforcing the value of internal validation.
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Not Being Responsible for Other People's Happiness
Mel Robbins discusses the futility of trying to bear the burdens of everyone else's happiness and emotions, and the negative impact it can have on one's own well-being.
Letting Go Of Managing Others' Emotions and Expectations
Recognizing You Cannot Control Others' Feelings or Satisfaction
Robbins explains that living as if responsible for others' feelings and satisfaction is exhausting and unenjoyable, and that it is impossible to control how others feel. She describes the tiredness and resentment that accompanies putting others first to the detriment of one's own needs.
Breaking the Cycle Of Prioritizing Others' Happiness
Robbins has experienced firsthand the effects of trying to be everything to everyone, recognizing behaviors like avoiding conflict or being the group's planner to prevent disappointment. She emphasizes the importance of making joyful decisions aligned with one's own values rather than prioritizing others' happiness. Robbins suggests that it is crucial to learn to let others be unhappy or disappointed so that individuals can concentrate on their own joy and satisfaction.
Value-Aligned Joyful Decisions
To create a healthier balance, Robbins encourages making decisions that bring personal joy and align with individual values and priorities. She advocates for being responsible for your own happiness, emphasizing the significance of prioritizing one's needs, joy, goals, and financial well-being without the fear of disappointing others.
Research: Overgiving, Managing Others' Emotions Leads To Stress, Unhappiness
Studies Show Harms Of Always Keeping Everyone Happy
Robbins cites research by Dr. Kristin Neff and Professor Vicki Helgeson, which hig ...
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Not Being Responsible for Other People's Happiness
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Counterarguments
- While it's important to not be overly responsible for others' happiness, completely disengaging from the emotional well-being of those around us can lead to a lack of empathy and a breakdown in relationships.
- In some cultures, collective happiness and prioritizing the group over the individual is a core value, and this perspective can foster strong community bonds and support systems.
- There are roles and relationships where one does have a certain level of responsibility for others' well-being, such as parenting or caregiving, which require a balance of self-care and care for others.
- The idea of not being responsible for others' happiness might be misinterpreted as a license for selfish behavior, which can harm interpersonal relationships and community cohesion.
- Some studies suggest that altruism and helping others can lead to increased personal happiness and satisfaction, contradicting the idea that prioritizing others' happiness is always detrimental.
- In a professional setting, such as customer service or hospitality, ensuring the happiness of others is a job requir ...
Actionables
- You can create a "No" jar to practice setting boundaries and saying no to others. Each time you decline a request that would compromise your well-being or priorities, write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the jar. This visual representation of your commitment to your own needs can be a powerful reminder that it's okay to prioritize yourself, and it will help you see the progress you're making in breaking the cycle of overgiving.
- Start a personal joy journal where you document decisions you make solely for your happiness. Whether it's choosing a movie you want to watch, picking a restaurant you've been wanting to try, or spending time on a hobby, write it down. This journal serves as a personal record that reinforces the importance of making choices that align with your joy and values, and it can help you track the positive changes in your life that result from these decisions.
- Implement a self-care swap with a friend or family ...
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Not Responsible For Rescuing People From Problems
Robbins discusses the importance of distinguishing between caring for people and carrying their burdens, highlighting how the latter can be detrimental to one’s happiness.
You Can't Want Someone's Healing or Sobriety More Than They Do
Robbins and Dr. Robert Waldinger advise that individuals are not responsible for rescuing others from their problems. Robbins shares the emotional challenge of seeing a loved one battle addiction yet emphasizes that enduring painful experiences can be vital for personal change and strength.
Facing Natural Consequences Aids Growth
Allowing someone to face the natural consequences of their actions, such as job or relationship loss, can be a critical part of healing and growth. Waldinger advises not to shield people from these outcomes, as they serve as learning experiences.
Problem-Solving Attempts Can Prolong Struggles
The more you try to fix someone’s struggles, the more they may continue to be overwhelmed by them. Robbins suggests that attempts at problem-solving can actually prevent people from learning and growing from their experiences.
Support Rather Than Rescue People From Difficulties
Robbins encourages understanding the difference between support and enabling. She argues that believing in someone's ability to work toward change, and being ready to assist when they are prepared to accept it, is key rather than rushing to solve their problems.
Recognizing the Line Between Helping and Enabling
Crossing the line from helping to enabling can be demonstrated by behaviors such as repeatedly lending money to a sibling who doesn't repay or tidying up after a messy roommate to avoid confrontation. Enabling occurs when the helper does more work than the recipient, who doesn't actively participate in solving their problems.
Prioritizing Your Boundaries and Well-Bei ...
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Not Responsible For Rescuing People From Problems
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Clarifications
- Enabling involves behaviors that inadvertently support or perpetuate someone's destructive habits or behaviors. It often involves shielding individuals from facing the consequences of their actions, which can hinder their personal growth and accountability. Enablers may unknowingly prevent the individual from taking responsibility for their problems by stepping in to solve issues or alleviate discomfort. Recognizing enabling behaviors is crucial to promote healthy boundaries and encourage individuals to confront and address their challenges independently.
- Enabling behaviors involve actions that inadvertently support or perpetuate someone's destructive patterns or behaviors. This can include shielding them from facing consequences or taking responsibility for their actions. Helping, on the other hand, involves providing support that empowers the individual to address their challenges and grow from them. Recognizing the line between enabling and helping is crucial in fostering personal growth and accountability in others. It's important to offer assistance that encourages independence and self-improvement rather than reinforcing dependency or avoidance of consequences.
- Prioritizing personal boundaries in relationships involves setting limits on what you are willing to accept or tolerate from others. It means recognizing your own needs, emotions, and values, and communicating them clearly to maintain a healthy dynamic. Respecting your boundaries helps establish mutual resp ...
Counterarguments
- While facing natural consequences can aid growth, there are situations where the consequences could be too severe or life-threatening, and intervention might be necessary to prevent irreparable harm.
- The belief that one cannot want someone's healing more than they do may overlook the role of support systems in motivating individuals to seek help, especially when they are in denial or unable to recognize their need for change.
- Problem-solving on behalf of others can sometimes provide a necessary lifeline or guidance that the individual is unable to find on their own, especially in cases of mental health crises or when the person lacks the resources or knowledge to address their problems.
- The distinction between support and enabling is not always clear-cut, and what may seem like enabling could be a form of compassionate support that acknowledges the individual's current limitations.
- Prioritizing personal boundaries is important, but there are cultural and familial contexts where collective well-being is valued over individual boundaries, and this collective approach can also lead to positive outcomes.
- The idea that rescuing people often backfires may not account for the complexity of human relationships and the potential for positive change that can come from more active forms of help.
- Giving people space to strugg ...
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Not Responsible For Making People Understand Choices
Mel Robbins encourages individuals to reclaim their power and shed the weight of other people’s perceptions and judgments of their life choices.
Accept You Can't Control Others' Perceptions or Judgments
People Filter Explanations Through Their Experiences and Biases
Robbins discusses how people often filter others' choices and explanations through their experiences, biases, and assumptions, as evidenced by Dr. Nicholas Epley’s research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. She explains that since people don't live inside your body, they can't know what feels right for you. Examples Robbins gives include not being understood when quitting a job without a backup plan or walking away from a toxic relationship, due to the generational experiences and fears of those judging.
Releasing the Need For Others' Validation and Approval of Your Choices
Robbins advises letting go of the urge to control others' perceptions and to be comfortable with others misunderstanding one's choices. She encourages the release of expectations for others to understand or support your decisions, reinforcing that it's not your responsibility to make people understand what you're doing. She emphasizes the necessity to let go of the fear of others' thinking and the freeing aspect of not needing their validation. For example, a person may change their behavior on social media or around certain people for approval, but Robbins emphasizes the importance of being true to oneself.
Prioritizing Authenticity Over Managing Others' Perceptions
Freedom to Misunderstand or Disagree With Your Path
Robbins asserts that it's perfectly okay for others to misunderstand or disagree with your path, and highlights that you should not exhaust yourself trying to make them understand. She mentions it is inevitable for misunderstandings to occur, especial ...
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Not Responsible For Making People Understand Choices
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Counterarguments
- While it's important to not be overly concerned with others' perceptions, completely disregarding how your actions affect others can lead to selfishness or insensitivity.
- Seeking validation and approval can be part of healthy social interactions and human connection, and it's natural to want to be understood by others.
- Some decisions do impact others, and in those cases, it might be a responsibility to ensure they understand your choices, especially in professional or familial contexts.
- Authenticity is important, but so is adaptability; sometimes adjusting one's behavior in different social contexts is a necessary part of social harmony and cooperation.
- Misunderstandings can sometimes lead to conflict or harm, so it may be beneficial to clarify intentions or decisions when misunderstandings could have significant negative consequences.
- While it's important to trust oneself, seeking feedback and considering others' perspectives can ...
Actionables
- Create a personal mantra that reinforces self-trust and repeat it daily to build inner confidence. Choose a phrase that resonates with your desire to live authentically, such as "I trust my choices and release the need for outside approval." Use this mantra in moments of doubt or when you feel the pressure of others' judgments. This practice can serve as a mental anchor, reminding you of your commitment to your own path.
- Start a 'No Explanation' challenge for a week where you make small decisions without offering justifications to anyone. For instance, if you decide to skip a social event or change a routine, and someone questions it, simply respond with "I've decided this is best for me right now." This helps you get comfortable with the idea that not all decisions require external validation or understanding.
- Keep a 'Misunderstanding Log' where you jot down ...
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Not Being Responsible For Proving One's Own Worth
Robbins explores the concept of self-worth, particularly emphasizing the importance of internal validation over the pursuit of approval from others.
Self-Worth Does Not Depend On External Validation
Letting Go Of the Need to Impress Others
Robbins stresses the significance of letting go of the effort to prove your worth to others. She explains how people devalue themselves by tying their worth to someone else’s opinion, leading them to abandon activities that bring joy or change themselves to suit others. She uses the example of business owners who underprice their services or give discounts to friends, thus valuing the friendship over their service's worth.
Staying True to Yourself For Acceptance
Moreover, Robbins advocates for making choices that make you happy rather than worrying about explaining them to everyone else. Robbins insists on not censoring oneself due to other people's opinions and shares everyday examples of self-rejection, such as hiding acne, trying to show a "good side" in photos, or not speaking up. She calls for living in a way that makes oneself proud, suggesting self-worth should not be tied to impressing others.
Internal Self-Worth Over Others' Opinions
External Validation Leads To Instability and Anxiety
Robbins warns of the negative effects of seeking external validation, such as instability and anxiety. She contrasts this with internal motivation, citing research by Christopher Sarasoli and his team that demonstrates a positive correlation between internally motivated individuals and higher performance. Robbins ...
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Not Being Responsible For Proving One's Own Worth
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Counterarguments
- While internal validation is important, external feedback can also be valuable for personal growth and improvement.
- Some degree of concern for how others perceive us is natural and can be beneficial for social cohesion and professional networking.
- In certain contexts, such as the workplace or in competitive fields, external validation in the form of performance reviews, awards, or promotions can be a legitimate indicator of success and can motivate individuals to strive for excellence.
- Robbins' perspective may not fully account for cultural differences where community and family approval are integral to self-worth and happiness.
- The idea of not needing to explain one's choices to others might not always be practical or considerate, as relationships often require communication and understanding of each other's actions and decisions.
- Complete disregard for others' opinions could lead to a lack of empathy or understanding of social norms, which can be detrimental to personal relationships and societal functioning.
- The emphasis on self-approval might overlook the importance of constructive criticism and the role it plays in personal development.
- Robbins' approach may not be applicable in all situations; for example, in a pro ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Self-Validation Journal" where you document daily actions that align with your values, regardless of external recognition. This practice helps you focus on personal fulfillment rather than external approval. For example, write down when you choose a healthy meal because it makes you feel good, not because it's trendy or praised by others.
- Develop a "Personal Happiness Map" by listing activities that genuinely bring you joy, and commit to doing one each day without sharing it on social media or seeking feedback. This could be as simple as reading a book, taking a walk in nature, or playing an instrument solely for your enjoyment.
- Start a "No Explanation Challenge" wher ...
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