The Real Reason Boys and Men Are Quietly Struggling & How to Support Them
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, guest Jason Wilson examines why men struggle with emotional expression and the impact of societal expectations on masculine behavior. Wilson explores how childhood experiences and trauma shape men's emotional development, and introduces the concept of the "Comprehensive Man" - someone who can balance traditional strength with emotional intelligence and vulnerability.
The episode covers practical strategies for supporting men's emotional well-being, including communication techniques for partners and the importance of creating judgment-free spaces for vulnerability. Wilson and Robbins discuss how men can move beyond defining their worth through achievements alone, addressing the need for rest, self-care, and mental health support. The conversation challenges traditional views of masculinity while offering concrete ways to help men embrace a more complete version of themselves.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Aug 18, 2025 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Emotional Expression and Vulnerability in Men
Jason Wilson explores how societal expectations of masculinity lead men to suppress their emotions, with anger becoming their default expression. He explains that men often hide their true feelings of hurt, sadness, or fear to avoid appearing weak. To address this, Wilson advocates for creating safe spaces where men can express vulnerability without judgment, suggesting exercises like silent hand-holding between couples to facilitate emotional connection.
Impact of Trauma and Family on Men's Development
Wilson shares personal experiences about how childhood trauma and the absence of positive male role models can profoundly affect men's emotional development. He discusses his own family's history of trauma and how unresolved experiences can lead to depression, anger, and relationship issues. To address these challenges, Wilson created a martial arts mentoring program, while initiatives like Mel Robbins' husband's Soul Degree retreat offer men spaces for healing through meditation and reflection.
Contrast Between "Comprehensive Man" and "Masculine Male"
The traditional "Masculine Male" archetype suppresses emotions and defines worth through accomplishments, often leading to isolation. In contrast, Wilson describes the "Comprehensive Man" as someone who embodies both strength and nurturing qualities, capable of showing vulnerability while maintaining emotional intelligence. This balanced approach allows men to find inspiration in others' success rather than feeling threatened by it.
Supporting and Communicating With Men: Strategies For Women
Mel Robbins and Wilson offer practical advice for women supporting the men in their lives. They suggest simple but powerful approaches like asking "how are you?" with genuine interest and listening with empathy. Wilson recommends indirect methods of encouraging emotional exploration, such as sharing relevant content, while emphasizing the importance of being present and patient rather than trying to change men immediately.
Self-Care, Rest & Men's Mental Health
Wilson challenges the societal pressure on men to maintain constant productivity at the expense of their wellbeing. He emphasizes that rest isn't weakness but a necessary component of strength. Wilson encourages men to recognize their worth beyond their provider role and engage in self-care practices, including therapy when needed, to maintain mental and emotional health.
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Counterarguments
- While creating safe spaces for emotional expression is beneficial, it's also important to recognize that not all men may feel comfortable with exercises like silent hand-holding, and alternative methods should be considered.
- The concept of the "Comprehensive Man" may inadvertently create a new ideal that men feel pressured to live up to, which could be just as limiting as traditional masculine stereotypes.
- Encouraging women to support men in specific ways could be seen as reinforcing gender roles; support should be a mutual effort in relationships, regardless of gender.
- The focus on childhood trauma and family history, while important, should not overshadow the potential influence of broader societal factors, such as economic conditions and cultural norms, on men's emotional development.
- The emphasis on men finding spaces for healing through initiatives like retreats may not be accessible or appealing to all men, and there should be acknowledgment of the diversity of men's needs and preferences.
- The advice given to women on how to support men might oversimplify complex emotional dynamics and may not be universally applicable or effective in all relationships or situations.
- The narrative that rest is a necessary component of strength could be expanded to include a discussion on how societal structures, like work policies and economic demands, often limit the ability for men (and people in general) to prioritize rest.
- The idea that men should recognize their worth beyond their provider role is valuable, but it's also important to address how deeply ingrained economic and social expectations can make this shift challenging.
Actionables
- Start a personal journal to explore and express a full range of emotions, using prompts that challenge traditional masculinity norms. Writing can be a private way to confront and understand emotions like sadness, fear, or vulnerability that you might not feel comfortable sharing yet. For example, use prompts like "What made me feel vulnerable this week?" or "How did I handle a situation where I felt weak, and what can I learn from it?"
- Create a 'vulnerability pact' with a close friend or partner where you both commit to sharing one thing that made you feel vulnerable each week. This practice builds a habit of openness and can strengthen your relationship by normalizing the sharing of emotions that are often suppressed. You might start with less intense topics and gradually delve into deeper emotional discussions as trust builds.
- Volunteer for or participate in community activities that encourage emotional expression, such as group art projects or storytelling workshops. Engaging in creative activities with others can provide a non-threatening environment to express and explore emotions. For instance, join a local theater group where acting roles require tapping into a wide range of emotions, or attend a workshop where you can share personal stories in a supportive setting.
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Emotional Expression and Vulnerability in Men
Jason Wilson addresses the deep-seated issue of emotional suppression among men due to societal expectations regarding masculinity.
Men Conceal Emotions Due to Masculine Norms
The societal expectation that men must not appear weak, emotional, or "soft" traps them into expressing only one acceptable emotion: anger. This suppression of emotions is considered masculine and any other display can be perceived as vulnerability or weakness.
Men Suppress Emotions to Avoid Appearing Weak or Less Masculine
Wilson recalls being criticized by his wife for being too emotional, which led him to realize how showing emotions as a man could be interpreted as a sign of weakness. He explains that instead of showing feelings like hurt or sadness, men often default to anger as a more socially acceptable form of emotional expression.
Men Repress Emotions Like Fear, Sadness, and Hurt, Leading To Anger
Wilson suggests that when men's feelings are hurt, they are sad, they lose, or when their partners demand more of their time, their default emotional expression is to get angry. He urges men to dig deeper to uncover and express the true underlying emotions.
Essential Space For Men to Express Emotions
According to Wilson, emotional repression in men is unsustainable and can lead to destructive outcomes. He teaches that mastery over one's emotions is critical before they turn toxic.
Men Need Spaces to Share Struggles Without Fear of Judgment
Men need environments where they can fully exist as they are, express themselves, and show vulnerability without fear of how they will be perceived, says Wilson. He promotes exercises that allow men to communicate feelings non-verbally, like the exercise with Nicole where couples sit silently, holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. This exercise is also used with fathers and sons, sometimes leading fathers to cry first, showing vulnerability silently.
Men's Vulnerabi ...
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Emotional Expression and Vulnerability in Men
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Counterarguments
- Societal expectations are changing, and there is a growing acceptance of men expressing a wider range of emotions.
- Some argue that the expression of anger can sometimes be a valid and appropriate emotional response to certain situations.
- The idea that all men suppress emotions or that all emotional suppression leads to destructive outcomes may be an overgeneralization; individual experiences vary widely.
- There may be cultural or subcultural contexts where emotional expression in men is viewed differently, and where men do not feel the need to conform to the same norms.
- The concept of emotional resilience could be seen as placing additional pressure on men to handle emotions in a certain way, which could be counterproductive for some individuals.
- Th ...
Actionables
- Start a personal emotion journal to track and reflect on your feelings daily. By writing down your emotions, you can begin to recognize patterns and triggers for certain feelings, especially those you might be repressing. For example, if you notice you're often angry after work, you might delve deeper to find out if there's sadness or anxiety underlying that anger.
- Create a 'no judgment' chat group with close friends or family members. In this group, make it a rule that everyone can express their emotions freely without fear of criticism. This safe space can encourage you and others to share feelings openly, fostering a supportive environment for emotional expression.
- Practice expressing a wider range of emotions through art or music. Even if you're not an artist ...
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Impact of Trauma and Family on Men's Development
Jason Wilson shares deep insights into the profound effects of trauma and the absence of positive male role models on men's emotional and psychological development.
Impact of Childhood Trauma on Male Emotional and Psychological Development
Men With Trauma or Family Dysfunction May Struggle to Process and Move Past Experiences
Wilson talks candidly about his own family’s trauma, with his grandfather being lynched and his brother murdered. He observed the emotional and psychological suffering caused by his mother's abusive marriage. Wilson also confronts his own childhood trauma, recognizing its resurfacing in situations like fights at sporting events and during conflicts.
Unresolved Trauma Causes Depression, Anger, and Relationship Issues
He explains that unresolved trauma dating back to the 1900s can result in depression, anxiety, and relationship conflicts as men may feel pressured by societal expectations to suppress their emotions. Wilson shares examples, such as using a picture of his wife as a child during disagreements to remind himself how past traumas can affect current behavior, and talks about his own determination to overcome feelings of loneliness, anger, and suicidal thoughts.
Lack of a Positive Male Role Model in Boyhood Can Impact Identity and Self-Worth
Without Guidance, Boys May Struggle With Manhood and Emotions
Wilson reflects on his own struggles due to the trauma and the absence of a father figure during his childhood, which left him feeling not good enough. He talks about the pain of losing a friend and not having the emotional tools or support to process the grief, which later manifested as anger and poor academic performance.
Mentorship and Retreats Offer Men Missed Support and Guidance
To address the void left by hi ...
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Impact of Trauma and Family on Men's Development
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Counterarguments
- While trauma can indeed lead to depression and anxiety, it is also true that not all individuals who experience trauma will develop these issues; resilience and other protective factors can mitigate the impact of trauma.
- The idea that the absence of a positive male role model necessarily impacts a boy's identity and self-worth could be seen as an oversimplification; boys can and do develop a strong sense of self from a variety of influences, including female role models and non-parental figures.
- The emphasis on male role models might inadvertently undervalue the influence of strong female figures in a boy's life, who can also provide guidance and support in the absence of a male role model.
- The concept of manhood is culturally and individually diverse, and some may argue that the struggles associated with it are not solely due to the absence of guidance but also due to societal pressures and expectations of what it means to be a man.
- Mentorship programs and retreats, while beneficial, may not be accessible or appealing to all men, and there could be other effective ways to support men's emotional and psychological development that ...
Actionables
- You can start a personal journal to explore your past experiences and emotions, dedicating time each day to write about your feelings, memories, and the impact they've had on your life. This practice can help you process unresolved trauma and understand your emotional landscape better. For example, you might write about a specific event from your childhood once a week and reflect on how it has shaped your current beliefs and behaviors.
- Organize a peer support group with friends or acquaintances who share similar backgrounds of absent father figures or childhood challenges. Meet regularly to discuss personal growth, challenges, and strategies for overcoming them. You could rotate leadership roles within the group to ensure everyone has a chance to guide discussions and activities, fostering a sense of responsibility and mutual support.
- Develop a 'self-mentorship' plan by identifying qualities you would have sought in a positive male role model an ...
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Contrast Between "Comprehensive Man" and "Masculine Male"
Society's traditional understanding of masculinity often paints a picture of the "Masculine Male" as emotion-suppressing and strength-focused, while the concept of the "Comprehensive Man" offers a more balanced and nurturing approach to manhood.
"Masculine Male" Suppresses Emotions, Hides Behind Strength, Sees Women As Inferior
The "Masculine Male" is typically portrayed as suppressing emotions and maintaining a facade to appear strong at all times. He embodies the role of provider and protector, but he avoids showing vulnerability or a full range of emotions, and his sense of worth is tied to his accomplishments.
The "Masculine Male" Feels Threatened by Others' Success and Defines Worth by Accomplishments and Provider Role
This archetype of manhood often leads to men feeling threatened by the success of others, especially other men who may appear to surpass them in traditional metrics of success. These men are conditioned to protect and provide and believe showing weakness implies a lack of courage.
Harmful Masculinity Leads To Isolation and Disconnection
The masculine male's insistence on only expressing strength can result in harm, leading to a disconnection from others and a sense of isolation. Such men might cultivate tough exteriors, illustrated by owning aggressive dog breeds or engaging in overt demonstrations of toughness, without showing a balanced or complete image of masculinity.
The "Comprehensive Man" Embodies Nurturing and Compassion
In contrast, the "Comprehensive Man" represents a healthier, more emotionally expressive and vulnerable form of masculinity. Jason Wilson speaks about this man as encompassing both a warrior spirit and a nurturing, gentle side, breaking away from the stigma that men should avoid characteristics often labeled as feminine, such as kindness and the capacity for nurturing.
"Comprehensive Man" Finds Inspiration, Not T ...
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Contrast Between "Comprehensive Man" and "Masculine Male"
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Clarifications
- The "Comprehensive Man" embodies a balanced masculinity that includes emotional expression, vulnerability, and nurturing qualities, alongside traditional traits like strength and courage. In contrast, the "Masculine Male" often suppresses emotions, prioritizes strength, and may view vulnerability as a sign of weakness. The Comprehensive Man values personal growth, respects others' successes, and embraces emotional intelligence, while the Masculine Male may feel threatened by others' achievements and prioritize traditional markers of success and toughness.
- Jason Wilson's perspective on masculinity emphasizes the idea of the "Comprehensive Man," who embodies both strength and nurturing qualities, challenging traditional notions of masculinity that suppress emotions and prioritize strength. Wilson advocates for a more balanced and emotionally expressive form of manhood that values traits typically associated with femininity, such as kindness and compassion. He believes that men can find inspiration in others' success rather than feeling threatened by it, promoting a healthier approach to self-development and interpersonal relationships. Wilson's perspective encourages men to embrace emotional intelligence, vulnerability, and empathy as integral parts of a well-rounded masculinity.
- Harmful masculinity encompasses behaviors and attitudes that reinforce traditional stereotypes of masculinity, often leading to negative consequences for both men and society. It can manifest as the suppression of emotions, rigid gender roles, aggression, and a lack of empathy. This concept highlights how societal expectations around masculinity can contribute to harmful behaviors and attitudes that limit individual expre ...
Counterarguments
- The concept of the "Masculine Male" may be an oversimplification and not representative of all traditionally masculine men, many of whom may be emotionally expressive and view women as equals.
- The idea that traditional masculinity inherently leads to feeling threatened by others' success does not account for individual differences in personality and self-esteem.
- The association of harmful masculinity with isolation might overlook the societal and cultural factors that contribute to men's mental health issues and their ability to connect with others.
- The portrayal of the "Comprehensive Man" as always nurturing and compassionate may ignore the complexities of human behavior and the fact that all individuals, regardless of gender, can exhibit a wide range of traits.
- The suggestion that the "Comprehensive Man" is inspired by others' success ...
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Supporting and Communicating With Men: Strategies For Women
In tackling the sensitive topic of how women can best support and communicate with the men in their lives, Mel Robbins and Jason Wilson provide insights and strategies that foster greater emotional openness and understanding between genders.
Women Can Help Men Open Up By Validating Their Experiences and Emotions
Mel Robbins suggests an attainable change for women when speaking with men in their lives: intentionally asking "how are you?" to create space for them to open up. This question, asked with sincerity, can signal an invitation for men to share their feelings. Jason Wilson adds that genuine inquiries, coupled with eye contact and a reassuring touch, can be a strong support.
Listening With Empathy Helps Men Feel Understood
Wilson shares that simply asking a man how he is truly doing can initiate meaningful support. He tells of a friend who opened up to him during a phone call, a profound moment he suggests could not have happened without a space for safe emotional expression. Wilson advises listening intently to partners, akin to how one would pay attention to a beloved son or best friend. By validating men's emotions, they feel understood and seen.
Sharing Relevant Content or Resources Can Indirectly Encourage Him to Explore His Feelings
Instead of direct confrontation, Wilson suggests an indirect approach like sending a social media clip or YouTube video that resonates with the man's situation. This can encourage him to explore his feelings without feeling pressured or judged.
Focus On Being Present, Patient, and Affirming Rather Than Changing the Man
Robbins and Wilson dialogue about the importance of standing with the man rather than aligning against him.
Building Confidence and Self-Worth Through Acknowledgment
To nurture confidence and self-worth in men, Wilson recommends an empathetic practice for wives: keeping a childhood picture of their husbands handy during tough times to remember and empathize with the man's deep-rooted experiences. Robbins also acknowledges the power of women expressing love and ...
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Supporting and Communicating With Men: Strategies For Women
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Counterarguments
- While validating experiences and emotions is important, it's also crucial to ensure that this doesn't inadvertently reinforce harmful stereotypes that men should not be emotionally self-sufficient.
- Empathy is key, but it should be balanced with encouraging men to develop their own emotional intelligence and coping strategies.
- Sharing content and resources can be helpful, but it's important to respect individual boundaries and not assume that one's own way of processing is suitable for someone else.
- Being present and patient is valuable, but there should also be room for women to express their own needs and boundaries in the relationship without feeling solely responsible for the man's emotional well-being.
- Building confidence and self-worth is a two-way street; while acknowledgment from others is beneficial, men also need to cultivate self-acknowledgment and intrinsic self-wort ...
Actionables
- Create a "Validation Jar" where you write down affirming statements or questions on slips of paper to offer to the men in your life when they need support. For example, you might write, "I see this is important to you, tell me more about it," or "Your feelings are completely valid," and have them ready to hand out when a man shares his experiences with you.
- Start a personal tradition of "Appreciation Evenings" where you dedicate one evening a month to express gratitude and appreciation for the men in your life. During this time, share specific instances where you felt their actions were meaningful, reinforcing their sense of self-worth and confidence.
- Develop a personalized "Emotion Exploratio ...
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Self-Care, Rest & Men's Mental Health
Valuing Productivity and Provider Roles Leads To Burnout and Neglect
Jason Wilson discusses the pressures men face to live up to superhero ideals, implying they don't need sleep, personal life, or breaks from continuous labor. This facade leads to neglecting rest and self-care. He believes the same masculine energy used to protect and provide should be applied to healing oneself. Men's health is jeopardized when they continuously live performance-based lives, excessively working and upholding the motto "no pain, no gain," which proves harmful. They are valued more for what they provide than who they are, leading them to think they cannot afford to get sick or see a doctor.
Wilson asserts that feeling weak is perceived as unacceptable for men. He makes an important distinction that rest is not weakness but a necessary means of replenishing strength. The harmful mentality of proving worth through work affects men's health and increases suicide risk. He observes elderly men burdened by a lifetime of labor, and suggests some men feel their only rest will come when they are "resting in peace," worrying they might consider ending their lives due to their unrelenting role as "workhorses."
Men View Rest and Asking For Help as Weakness
Men struggle to express emotions and ask for help, equating rest and support with weakness. Wilson emphasizes the need for acknowledgment of this need for rest. He describes observing elderly couples where the male partner is nearly immobilized from a lifetime of labor, emphasizing the negative consequences on men's health due to such mentality.
Harmful Mentality Harms Men's Health, Increasing Suicide Risk
Men often reach a point where they feel the only rest they will find is in death, due to their lives being consumed by work.
Men's Wellbeing: Self-Care, Hobbies, Breaks, and Support
Wilson advises men to recognize their worth beyond productivity, to say 'no,' and to engage in self-care. ...
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Self-Care, Rest & Men's Mental Health
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Counterarguments
- While self-care is important, some may argue that the concept can be overemphasized, potentially leading to self-indulgence or avoidance of responsibility.
- The idea that men are valued more for what they provide than who they are might be challenged by noting societal shifts towards recognizing the intrinsic worth of all individuals, regardless of gender.
- The notion that men cannot express weakness could be countered by pointing out that there are cultural and social movements encouraging men to be more open about their vulnerabilities.
- The assertion that men equate rest and support with weakness might be too general, as attitudes can vary widely among different individuals and communities.
- The recommendation to say 'no' and engage in self-care might not acknowledge the complexities of certain professional or personal obligations where saying 'no' is not always feasible.
- The suggestion that men often feel the only rest they will find is in death could be seen as an overstatement and not representative of all men's experiences.
- The emphasis on therapy and self-reflection might not consider that some individ ...
Actionables
- Create a "No Overtime" pact with friends or colleagues to establish boundaries for work hours, ensuring everyone commits to not working beyond a set time each day. This can help normalize the idea that rest is essential and not a sign of weakness. For example, you could agree to log off from work at 6 PM and hold each other accountable through a group chat where everyone confirms when they've stopped working for the day.
- Start a "Feelings Journal" where you dedicate 10 minutes each evening to write down your emotions and thoughts from the day. This practice can help you become more comfortable with expressing emotions and recognizing the importance of addressing personal hurts. You might find patterns in your emotions that lead to better understanding and management of stressors.
- Initiate a week ...
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