The Real Reason Boys and Men Are Quietly Giving Up & What They Need to Hear
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Jason Wilson, founder of the Cave of Adullam Academy, explores how societal expectations affect men's emotional well-being. Wilson and Robbins examine why many men struggle to express emotions beyond anger, tend to measure their worth primarily through work achievements, and often face isolation due to suppressing their feelings.
The conversation covers Wilson's approach to mentoring through his academy, where martial arts training combines with emotional development. Wilson and Robbins discuss the differences between traditional masculine norms and a more integrated model of masculinity, while offering practical strategies for creating supportive environments where men can process trauma and develop emotional awareness. They also address ways women can better support the men in their lives through validation and encouraging open dialogue.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Aug 18, 2025 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Emotional Struggles and Burdens Men Face
Jason Wilson explores how societal expectations of strength and stoicism lead men to suppress their emotions, causing exhaustion, anger, and isolation. He notes that men often tie their worth solely to their work performance rather than their intrinsic value, making it difficult for them to accept appreciation unrelated to their professional achievements.
Men Empowered to Express Emotions and Seek Support
Wilson and Robbins discuss the importance of creating judgment-free spaces where men can process trauma and insecurities. They highlight how expressing emotions beyond anger helps men make wiser decisions rather than impulsive reactions. Robbins introduces the concept of men's retreats, such as her husband's "Soul Degree," which offer transformative experiences through meditation, yoga, and group discussions.
Jason Wilson's Approach to Mentoring Boys and Men
Through his Cave of Adullam Academy, Wilson has developed a unique mentorship approach combining martial arts with emotional development. Rather than using a "scare straight" methodology, Wilson creates a safe environment where students can process childhood trauma, parental wounds, and emotional pain. His program focuses on teaching self-control, discipline, and healthy emotional expression.
Traditional Masculine Norms vs. Healthy Masculinity Model
Wilson contrasts the traditional "masculine male" who suppresses emotions and fears success with the "comprehensive man" who expresses emotion freely and finds inspiration in others' success. He advocates for integrating traditionally "feminine" traits like empathy and expressiveness into a healthier masculinity model, emphasizing that acknowledging vulnerability can be a source of strength.
Strategies For Women to Support Men
Wilson and Robbins discuss how women can better support men's emotional well-being. They emphasize the importance of validating men's feelings rather than dismissing their concerns as overreactions. Wilson suggests that women can encourage men to open up by sharing relevant content and creating safe spaces for dialogue, while Robbins notes that women often play a crucial role in encouraging men to seek emotional support.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While creating judgment-free spaces is beneficial, it's also important to ensure that these spaces encourage accountability and personal growth, not just expression of emotions.
- The idea that men tie their worth solely to work performance may be an overgeneralization; many men find worth in various aspects of life, including family, hobbies, and personal achievements outside of work.
- Men's retreats like "Soul Degree" can be positive, but they may not be accessible or appealing to all men, and alternative forms of support should also be recognized and promoted.
- The mentorship approach combining martial arts with emotional development may not resonate with everyone, and different individuals may benefit from different approaches to mentorship and emotional support.
- The concept of "healthy masculinity" can vary greatly across cultures and individuals, and what is considered healthy in one context may not be seen the same way in another.
- While integrating traditionally "feminine" traits into masculinity is advocated, it's important to recognize that traits like empathy and expressiveness are human traits, not owned by any gender, and the language around this integration should be careful not to reinforce gender stereotypes.
- Encouraging men to open up is important, but it should also be acknowledged that some men may prefer to process emotions privately or in different ways, and these preferences should be respected.
- The role of women in supporting men's emotional well-being is highlighted, but it's also crucial to encourage men to support each other in these endeavors to foster a sense of community and shared responsibility.
Actionables
- Start a personal "emotions journal" to track and reflect on your feelings daily. By writing down your emotions, you can begin to recognize patterns, understand triggers, and develop a deeper awareness of your emotional state. For example, if you notice that you consistently feel frustrated after certain activities or interactions, you can explore alternative approaches or coping mechanisms to address these feelings.
- Initiate a "compliments jar" at home where family members can drop notes of appreciation for each other that aren't related to work or achievements. This can help shift the focus from professional success to personal qualities and efforts. For instance, you might write a note to a family member praising their kindness or creativity, reinforcing the value of these traits.
- Organize a monthly "expressive meetup" with friends where everyone is encouraged to share personal stories, challenges, and emotions in a supportive environment. This could be a casual gathering at someone's home or a local park, where the emphasis is on listening and empathy. By regularly participating in these meetups, you can practice expressing a wider range of emotions and build a community that fosters emotional growth.
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Emotional Struggles and Burdens Men Face
Men are often expected to uphold an image of strength and resilience, yet this emotional stoicism leads to silent internal struggles that impact their mental health and relationships.
Men's Silent Internal Wars Impact Relationships and Well-Being
Men's emotional struggles can lead to exhaustion, anger, isolation, and restlessness.
Men Suppress Emotions to Seem Strong, Leading To Exhaustion, Anger, Isolation, and Restlessness
Jason Wilson speaks out about how men suffer in silence, sticking to the persona of the "Superman," which can ultimately be suffocating. He notes that men tie their value to performance rather than their intrinsic worth, leading to a life that evaluates them by superficial measures like financial success and prowess. These societal pressures cultivate a detrimental lifestyle where emotions are suppressed.
Wilson shares insight into men's propensity to hide their vulnerabilities behind a smile or the word "fine." He maintains that the true meaning of being tired for men often translates to a weary soul rather than a need for sleep. Suppressing their true feelings and defaulting to anger is a defensive tactic; yet, beneath the veneer of anger lie deeper emotions like sadness and hurt that men find difficult to openly express due to societal constructs that define masculinity in such a narrow way.
Men's Worth Tied To Work, Neglecting Emotional Needs
The discussion suggests that many men identify their worth solely through their labor. In this context, Wilson emphasizes the freedom that comes with understanding oneself beyond professional achievements. Men are often seen as workhorses, only acknowledged for their output rather than their being. Wilson notes that men struggle with accepting gestures of appreciation that are not tied to their work.
Wilson also discusses how men's approach to health is influenced by their need to appear perpetually strong, which often deters them from seeking medical attention when necessary.
Men Fear Expressing Vulnerability Appears Weak
Men Are Taught That Showing Emotion Is Unmanly
Wilson addresses how emotional expression in men is routinely equated with weakness. This perspective is compounded by the belief that as men, they are required to not only protect but also heal themselves. The societal programming that equates strength with a lack of emotion is a barrier to men dea ...
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Emotional Struggles and Burdens Men Face
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While societal expectations can pressure men to suppress emotions, there is a growing movement promoting emotional intelligence and vulnerability as strengths rather than weaknesses.
- The idea that men primarily tie their worth to performance and financial success may overlook the diversity of values and sources of self-esteem among men, including family, relationships, creativity, and personal growth.
- Some men are comfortable expressing their emotions and do not feel the need to conform to traditional stoic ideals of masculinity.
- The notion that men are reluctant to seek medical attention might be changing with increased awareness and education on men's health issues.
- The belief that showing emotion is unmanly is not universally held, and cultural shifts are increasingly challenging and changing these outdated perceptions.
- There are communities and support networks that encourage men to share their struggles and offer support, suggesting that not all men believe ...
Actionables
- Start a personal "strengths journal" where you document daily instances of emotional resilience, kindness, or creativity, not just achievements at work. This can help you recognize your intrinsic value beyond performance metrics. For example, note moments when you listened well to a friend or came up with a creative solution to a problem at home.
- Create a "vulnerability pact" with a close friend or family member where you both agree to share one thing you're struggling with each week. This normalizes the sharing of emotions and challenges, making it easier to open up over time. You might start with smaller issues and gradually build up to more significant concerns as trust grows.
- Develop a self-care routine that includes activities unrelated to work or s ...
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Men Empowered to Express Emotions and Seek Support
Wilson and Robbins explore the significance of men having spaces to express their emotions freely and the transformational impact this can have on their lives.
Men Need Spaces to Share Feelings Without Judgment
Creating a Supportive Space For Men to Process Trauma and Insecurities
Wilson emphasizes the necessity of creating environments where men, particularly young men, can share their struggles openly without fear of judgment. He observes that men are often carrying burdens, such as the emotional toll of a child’s disability, in isolation. By having a mentor or a community figure to guide them, these men can open up and share the hefty loads they bear, which can be particularly distressing when faced alone.
Expressing Emotions Aids Men In Wise Decision-Making, Not Impulsive Reactions
The importance of going beyond expressing anger is a central theme in the conversation. Wilson advocates for men to learn to express more complex emotions, such as hurt from past experiences, which can help them communicate more effectively with partners. He suggests that by doing so, men can make wise decisions rather than impulsive ones driven by anger or frustration.
Mentors and Community Aid Men's Growth
Mentors Guide Men Through Challenges, Affirm, and Model Healthy Masculinity
Wilson acknowledges the scarcity of available mentors for young men, which often leaves them without proper guidance on maturing healthily. He advocates for involvement with positive male role models who can facilitate the development of young men, guiding and affirming them. Wilson also talks about the potency of non-verbal communication techniques, like fathers demonstrating l ...
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Men Empowered to Express Emotions and Seek Support
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While creating supportive spaces for men is beneficial, it's important to ensure these spaces do not inadvertently reinforce gender stereotypes by implying that men are not naturally equipped to handle emotions without special support.
- The idea that men need mentors to guide them through challenges could be seen as undermining their ability to navigate difficulties independently or with the support of a diverse group of peers, not just male role models.
- The emphasis on men's retreats and groups could be critiqued for potentially segregating men from the broader community, which might limit their exposure to diverse perspectives and experiences.
- Advocating for men to express emotions in certain ways may inadvertently suggest there is a "right" way to process feelings, which could pressure some men to conform to new norms that still might not fit their individual emotional expression.
- The focus on men's need to express emotions an ...
Actionables
- Start a virtual book club focused on masculinity and emotional intelligence to foster a safe space for discussion. Choose books that explore themes of masculinity, vulnerability, and emotional growth. Use a platform like Zoom or Discord to hold regular meetings where members can share their thoughts and feelings about the book's content, relating it to their own experiences in a non-judgmental setting.
- Implement a "No Advice, Just Listen" rule during casual meet-ups with friends. When someone shares a personal story or emotion, make it a practice to listen actively without offering solutions unless they are specifically asked for. This encourages a culture of openness and validates the importance of expressing emotions without the pressure of immediate problem-solving.
- Create a personal "Emotion Jo ...
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Jason Wilson's Approach to Mentoring Boys and Men
Jason Wilson has pioneered a unique method of mentorship at the Cave of Adullam Academy to guide boys and men through their struggles and build resilience.
Wilson Founded the Cave of Adullam Academy to Build Resilience in Boys and Men
Understanding the importance of comprehensive manhood that is neither hypermasculine nor overly sensitive, Wilson sought to provide boys the mentorship he missed from his own father. He founded the Cave of Adullam as a martial arts mentoring program to teach self-control, discipline, and the expression of a full range of human attributes, including being a nurturer, peace giver, gentleman, friend, and lover.
Wilson's Program Teaches Self-Control, Discipline, and Expression Through Martial Arts
Wilson’s martial arts mentoring program initially focused on discipline. He taught his students that you cannot defend what hasn't been disciplined. Martial arts, for Wilson, was more than self-defense; it was about self-control. He pushes the idea that sports and martial arts, especially when taught with comprehensive coaching, force an authentic face-off with reality, such as relaxing into a fall when thrown blindfolded in Jujitsu.
Wilson Shifted Focus From "Scare Straight" To a Safe Space For Boys to Share Struggles
Wilson recognized the inefficacy of a ‘scare straight’ approach, opting instead for creating a secure environment where boys could openly share their burdens. This new model gave them the opportunity to speak about their experiences – an essential outlet for boys and men to be more than just strong.
Wilson's Approach Helps Men and Boys Heal Trauma, Not Just Behaviors
Wilson steers away from merely addressing superficial behaviors and goes deeper to help men and boys process childhood trauma, parental wounds, and emotional pain. By confronting these root causes of their struggles, Wilson assists in enabling more profound healing and stability.
Wilson Guides Students Through Processing Childhood Trauma, Parental Wounds, and Emotional Pain
Wilson offers tools or "weapons" to win internal battles and avoid external conflicts. He encourages his mentees to unload emotions suppressed by traditional masculinity. Comprehending that silence in struggle leads to anguish, he provides the means for emotional release. Addressing unresolved pain, Wilson recognizes that sometimes, adults’ behaviors stem from being “broken boys and girls” inside, and he advocates for tackling these origins to stop past trauma from affecting the present.
Helping Men Identify Root Causes of Struggles Enables Deeper Healing
Wilson talks about front-facing the harsh realities of past trauma, such as the hurt from a father’s neglect. He suggests revisiting painful memories or even thera ...
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Jason Wilson's Approach to Mentoring Boys and Men
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While Wilson's approach to mentorship through martial arts may be effective for some, it might not be suitable for everyone, as individuals respond differently to various forms of therapy and mentorship.
- The emphasis on confronting and processing trauma is important, but without proper professional psychological support, there could be risks of re-traumatization or inadequate handling of complex emotional issues.
- The idea of creating a safe space for sharing struggles is commendable, but it may not replace the need for professional mental health services, especially for those with severe emotional or psychological issues.
- The focus on identifying root causes of struggles is crucial, yet it's also important to recognize that some individuals may not be ready or willing to confront past traumas, and pushing them to do so could be counterproductive.
- While acknowledging and challenging the causes of loss and trauma is a significant step in healing, it's a ...
Actionables
- You can start a reflective journaling practice to explore and process your emotions. Set aside time each day to write about your feelings, reactions to daily events, and any memories that surface, especially those that seem to trigger strong emotions. This can help you identify patterns and root causes of emotional responses, similar to how Wilson helps students process trauma.
- Create a personal ritual that symbolizes letting go of past hurts. This could be as simple as writing down painful experiences on paper and safely burning them, or as elaborate as a solo hike where you verbally release these memories to nature. The act of physically manifesting your intention to heal can reinforce your emotional journey.
- Engage in a physical activity ...
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Traditional Masculine Norms vs. Healthy Masculinity Model
The discussion weighs the traditional norms against a healthier, more inclusive concept of masculinity, highlighting the limitations of the former and the empowering potential of the latter.
"Masculine Male" Suppresses Emotions, Fears Success, Objectifies Women
Jason Wilson describes the "masculine male" as someone who embodies only traditionally masculine characteristics such as strength, provision, and protection, but avoids showing vulnerability. This rigid definition leaves no room for emotions, making these men feel threatened by another's success and viewing women as subservient and objects of desire. The masculine male will do anything to hide fear or any perceived weakness.
Masculinity Model Enslaves Men To Thoughts and Emotions
Wilson decries the traditional model of masculinity as damaging and restrictive, enslaving men to their unexpressed thoughts and emotions. He observes the societal expectation for men not to cry or show emotional pain, causing negative behaviors, exhaustion, anger, isolation, and preventing rest. He states that "the masculine male is a slave to his thoughts and emotions," locking them in a cycle that can lead to toxicity if not addressed.
"Comprehensive Man" Expresses Emotion, Finds Inspiration, and Respects Women
In contrast, the "comprehensive man" does not see success through the lens of competition but finds inspiration in it. This man respects women, acknowledges fear, and uses that admission to make wise decisions.
Integrating "Feminine" Traits Into Comprehensive Masculinity
Wilson suggests that a healthier masculinity model should include traits such as empathy and expressiveness, which are traditionally viewed as feminine. By embracing the full spectrum of human emotion and acknowledging areas of pain and weakness, men can move toward becoming compr ...
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Traditional Masculine Norms vs. Healthy Masculinity Model
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Counterarguments
- The concept of "traditional masculinity" may be overly generalized and not accurately reflect the experiences and values of all men who identify with traditional masculine roles.
- The dichotomy between "masculine male" and "comprehensive man" might oversimplify the complex nature of gender roles and individual personality traits.
- Some may argue that the suppression of emotions is not inherently masculine but a societal issue that affects both men and women, though perhaps in different ways.
- The idea that traditional masculinity inherently leads to negative behaviors could be seen as an unfair characterization of men who find positive identity and community within traditional masculine norms.
- The notion of integrating "feminine" traits into masculinity could be criticized for reinforcing gender binaries by labeling certain traits as masculine or feminine.
- There may be cultural, religious, or personal reasons why some men choose to adhere to traditional masculine norms, and these choices can be respected without necessarily endorsing all aspects of traditional masculinity.
- The encouragement for men to engage in traditionally feminine activities might not resonate with all men and could be seen as prescriptive rather than in ...
Actionables
- Start a personal emotion journal to track and express your feelings daily. By writing down your emotions, you can begin to understand and accept them, which is a step toward expressing them more freely. For example, if you feel anger, write about what triggered it and how it physically felt in your body, then explore what other emotions might be underneath, like fear or sadness.
- Engage in role-reversal exercises with a trusted friend or partner where you take turns nurturing each other. This could involve activities like cooking a meal for each other, giving a supportive pep talk, or simply listening actively without offering solutions. The goal is to practice and normalize nurturing behaviors, which can help break down gender stereotypes and allow you to embrace a wider range of qualities.
- Create a "fear-facing" plan ...
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Strategies For Women to Support Men
As society evolves, the support dynamics between women and men are gaining more attention. Jason Wilson and Mel Robbins discuss strategies for how women can effectively support men's emotional well-being.
Women Should Not Dismiss Men's Emotional Experiences
Men Feel Concerns Often Dismissed or Seen As Overreactions
Jason Wilson cautions against blaming oneself for a husband's reluctance to show weakness, attributing it to societal conditioning. He emphasizes the importance of not dismissively responding to a man's emotional expression. Instead, it's crucial to listen intently, embrace the moment, and appreciate when a man opens up. Wilson shares his own experience of feeling dismissed and crazy when he expressed concerns, underscoring the importance of having his feelings taken seriously by his partner.
Mel Robbins reflects on this perspective, understanding that men, including her son and husband, may feel their needs are disregarded or seen as over-reactions. Robbin's observation that many men can't even take naps in the presence of their wives without feeling a sense of guilt illustrates the pressure placed on men to always be active and available.
Validate Men's Feelings for Safe Vulnerability
Validating men's feelings is essential for creating a safe space for vulnerability. Robbins plans to ask her son and husband more intentionally about their feelings, creating a dialogue space. Wilson asserts that his partner stepping out of a mothering role to "hear his heart" is vital for vulnerability.
Wilson discusses the importance of self-validation for men, affirming their need for rest and self-care without guilt. He also talks about the importance of parents, both mothers, and fathers, apologizing and seeking forgiveness when they cause hurt, indicating the importance of understanding and validating children’s emotions.
Encourage Men to Open Up By Sharing Content or Creating Discussion Opportunities
Share Jason's Videos or Create Dialogue Spaces to Help Men Process Emotions
Wilson suggests encouraging men to open up by sharing relevant content such as his own social media reels, aiming to resonate and prompt self-reflection. He explains that women's acts of affirmation, such as verbal praise or a calming touch, can significantly support a man's willingness to share emotions.
Wilson advises wives to keep a picture of their husband from a troubled time in childhood on their phone, using it to foster empathy and understanding during conflicts, linking prese ...
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Strategies For Women to Support Men
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While it's important not to dismiss men's emotional experiences, it's also crucial for men to learn to self-validate and not rely solely on external validation.
- The idea that men's concerns are often dismissed may not always account for individual differences in relationships and communication styles.
- Encouraging men to open up is valuable, but it should be balanced with respect for their personal comfort levels and readiness to share.
- Sharing videos and creating dialogue spaces can be helpful, but it's important to ensure that the content is relevant and resonates with the individual man's experiences and beliefs.
- Compassion and listening are indeed supportive, ...
Actionables
- You can start a personal journal where you reflect on the emotional experiences of men you interact with, noting your initial reactions and how you can respond more empathetically. By regularly writing down these interactions, you'll become more aware of your responses and can consciously work to validate and support men's feelings in your daily life.
- Create a "Feelings Flashcard" set for personal use, where each card has a different emotion on one side and supportive statements or questions on the other. Use these cards to practice responding to men's emotions in a way that shows understanding and support, either by yourself or with a trusted friend to role-play conversations.
- Develop a habit of asking ...
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