What I Wish I Knew in My 20s

The defining years of one's twenties are a critical period often clouded in uncertainty and anxiety, despite the glamour they hold in popular culture. This decade is considered the foundation for the rest of adulthood, impacting career, relationships, and personal growth.

The 20s Set the Foundation For Adulthood

Referred to as the patron saint for 20-somethings, Dr. Jay has emphasized the weight of the 20s in her book "The Defining Decade." She suggests that choices made in this period immensely impact the rest of an individual's life. She discusses the concept of underemployment and points out the significance of jobs in building one's identity capital and future goals. Mel Robbins asserts that 80% of life's defining moments occur by age 35, highlighting the importance of these years for career and relationships. For instance, many are with their future partner by 30 and the 20s are when people experience the most brain and personality changes, have the largest social networks, and face peak childbearing years.

80% of Key Moments Happen By 35; 20s Vital For Career, Relationships, Self-Growth

Dr. Meg Jay builds on this understanding, emphasizing that the learning curve in one's 20s forecasts the earning curve in later decades. Skills, experience, and jobs acquired during the 20s are foundational for the future. She also addresses the importance of relationship building in this period, noting that without relationship experience in the 20s, individuals may miss opportunities to learn about what works and what doesn't in partnerships.

The 20s Are Often Filled With Uncertainty, Anxiety, and Difficult Milestones

The 20s: A Time of Transition and Psychological Turmoil

Meg Jay and Mel Robbins discuss the psychological challenges faced during the 20s. Jay describes the 20s as a period of firsts and worsts, with uncertainties resulting from unpredictable work, love, finances, and personal development. She articulates that such simultaneous uncertainties can be particularly stressful as the brain interprets them as danger. Jay also highlights that the 20s are regarded as a mental health low point due to these pressures.

20-somethings Feel Lost, Isolated, and Uncertain About Their Futures, Despite Appearances

Despite the cultural idealization of the 20s as carefree, Robbins acknowledges that young adults often feel lost during this decade. On the one hand, the 20s are revered as the best years; on the ...

In today's environment, individuals in their 20s are tasked with navigating career, relationships, and life with heightened urgency and scrutiny. Experts offer compelling guidance for maximizing this pivotal decade.

Cultivating Intentionality and Self-Awareness to Maximize Your 20s

Dr. Meg Jay and Mel Robbins underscore the need for intentionality and proactivity in shaping one's life during their 20s.

Focus On Strengths, Interests, and Goals Instead of Drifting

Jay advises living intentionally and courageously, focusing on future goals while living in the present. The suggestion is to make deliberate decisions instead of drifting with the crowd or letting time slip away. Instead of offering reassurance to 20-somethings, it’s more productive to acknowledge their worries and help them strat their solution. Taking specific actions alleviates anxiety and leads to progress. Intentionality is key, and being proactive with resources like books or podcasts can initiate necessary life changes.

Build Relevant Skills and Experiences Proactively For Long-Term Benefits

Jay highlights the need for building one's identity capital—undertaking activities that enhance one’s value. Setting clear goals using questions like what you're good at, what you enjoy, and what the world needs, helps direct career choices. It’s advised to distinguish between hobbies and potential careers by aligning skills with interests. For Mark, a barista with interests in architecture or graphic design, Jay advises tackling the inertia of underemployment by actively pursuing relevant skills and experiences.

Approaching Major Decisions With Care and Deliberation

Experts stress the importance of making thoughtful life choices in your 20s, rather than sliding into commitments by inertia.

Rushing Into Commitments Can Lead To Future Regret and Dissatisfaction

Rushing into decisions about career or relationships can lead to long-term regret. Dr. Jay advocates for cultivating skills, expanding social circles, and connecting with different or more experienced individuals—a practice valuable for uncovering opportunit ...

The conversation with Mel Robbins and Meg Jay addresses the common struggles 20-somethings face in the realms of dating, partner selection, and contemplation of family planning.

Dating In 20s: Loneliness, Rejection, Uncertainty

Many 20-somethings Struggle to Form Meaningful Romantic Connections

Robbins reads from Jay's book that young adults widely report feelings of loneliness. Many 20-somethings struggle with feeling like they don't belong, have no one to turn to, and face challenges forming close relationships. Loneliness is compounded by issues such as being ghosted by dating apps, which contributes significantly to the uncertainty experienced during this period. Struggling with these feelings, they find it difficult to form meaningful romantic connections.

Desirability and Social Confidence Affect Dating Experiences

Meg Jay highlights that "perceived desirability," which is an individual's sense of being wanted and can significantly impact self-esteem in relationships. For many, their perceived desirability is based on negative experiences during school years, affecting dating choices in their twenties. Jay suggests overcoming these perceptions to improve dating experiences while acknowledging the common overestimation or underestimation of a partner's qualities, often due to inexperience.

Consider Values and Goals in Relationships and Family

Early Discussion of Compatibility Can Prevent Unsuitable Partnerships

Meg Jay underscores the importance of early conversations about compatibility in relationships, suggesting 20-somethings be intentional and foresighted. She highlights how a lack of early dialogue can lead to unsuitable partnerships. Jay provides guidance with her "29 Conversations" for determining compatibility, including marriage, religion, money, kids, and work-life balance. This kind of intentional dating can help prevent individuals from ending up in unsuitable partnerships.

Addressing the pressures of dating and forming partnerships in one's 20s, Jay stresses the importance of not treating differences as deficiencies but rather understanding and accepting them. She uses the example of a client whose partner enjoyed music festivals, to illustrate that differences should not be viewed negatively.

Women Should ...