How to Move On, Let Go of Past Mistakes, and Create a Better Future
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Carl Lentz opens up about his experience with personal failure, including infidelity that led to the loss of his ministry position and friendships. He and Robbins explore the differences between shame and guilt, with Lentz sharing how he moved from shame-induced isolation to accepting responsibility for his actions and choosing a path of transformation.
The discussion examines practical approaches to self-forgiveness and rebuilding after significant personal failures. Lentz describes his daily choice to forgive himself, the importance of seeking support through therapy and other means, and how he transformed his experiences into opportunities for growth. The conversation covers his journey of rebuilding his marriage and family relationships, while using his story to help others dealing with similar challenges.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Jul 24, 2025 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Owning and Learning From Major Personal Failures
Carl Lentz shares his journey of confronting personal failures, particularly his infidelity and subsequent loss of ministry. He describes living a dual life—publicly preaching honesty while privately concealing his struggles. When his affairs were exposed, Lentz lost his job, reputation, and nearly all his friends. Instead of seeking external blame, he chose to face his mistakes head-on and commit to transformation, including rebuilding his marriage with his wife Laura.
Emotional and Psychological Impact of Shame and Guilt
In their discussion, Tony Robbins and Lentz explore the distinction between shame and guilt. Lentz explains that shame, focused on flawed self-perception, hinders progress by fixating on others' opinions. In contrast, guilt serves as a productive force for change by focusing on wrongful actions. Despite initially struggling with shame-induced isolation, Lentz overcame these feelings through rehabilitation and now openly shares his story to help others facing similar challenges.
Practical Steps and Mindsets For Forgiving Oneself
Lentz emphasizes that forgiveness is a daily choice rather than a spontaneous feeling. He shares how he came to realize that self-forgiveness was crucial for moving forward, even when emotions don't align with this decision. According to Lentz, true self-forgiveness is demonstrated through active investment in building a new, improved self, which may require additional support through therapy, prayer, or meditation.
Transforming One's Worst Experiences Into Positive Change
Lentz describes how his downfall led to personal growth and enhanced empathy, particularly in his roles as husband, father, and leader. Rather than hiding from his past, he chose transparency about his mistakes to offer hope and guidance to others. Robbins notes how Lentz's family drew closer during these trying times, and Lentz now uses his experiences to help others navigate their own challenges with shame, guilt, and personal failures.
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Counterarguments
- While Lentz emphasizes the importance of self-forgiveness, some may argue that it should not overshadow the need for accountability and making amends to those harmed by one's actions.
- The idea that guilt can be a productive force for change might not resonate with everyone; some psychological perspectives suggest that guilt can also be debilitating and counterproductive.
- The narrative of transforming one's worst experiences into positive change can be inspiring, but it might also set an unrealistic expectation that all individuals should be able to turn their hardships into growth, which may not always be possible or healthy.
- The concept of daily choosing forgiveness could be challenged by those who believe that forgiveness cannot be forced and must come naturally over time.
- Lentz's use of his story to help others could be critiqued by those who feel that public figures might capitalize on their personal stories for continued relevance or redemption in the public eye.
- The notion that shame is inherently unproductive could be contested by those who believe that shame can sometimes serve as a social mechanism to enforce community standards and values.
- The idea that Lentz's family drew closer might be seen as an overly optimistic or simplified view of the complex dynamics that often occur in families dealing with betrayal and public scandal.
- Some might argue that the focus on individual transformation and self-improvement could inadvertently minimize the systemic issues that contribute to personal failures, such as the pressures of leadership or the lack of support systems in place for public figures.
- The reliance on therapy, prayer, or meditation as additional support might be criticized by those who believe that other forms of support, such as community engagement or restorative justice practices, could also be important in the process of rehabilitation and forgiveness.
Actionables
- You can create a personal accountability chart to track behaviors you want to change, marking progress and setbacks to visualize your journey toward self-improvement. Start by identifying specific actions or habits you wish to transform, then use a simple chart or app to record daily whether you succeeded or struggled with each. This visual tool can help you recognize patterns, celebrate small victories, and identify areas needing more attention.
- Develop a "forgiveness ritual" to practice self-forgiveness, which might include writing a letter to yourself about the mistake, reading it aloud in a private space, and then performing a symbolic act of letting go, such as tearing the letter or releasing a balloon. This ritual can be a powerful way to internalize forgiveness, making it a tangible act rather than an abstract concept, and can be repeated as often as needed to reinforce the message of self-compassion.
- Engage in "empathy conversations" with friends or family members where you share challenges and actively listen to each other's experiences without judgment or advice, simply offering support and understanding. This practice can enhance your empathy and provide a safe space for mutual growth, as well as deepen your relationships through shared vulnerability and trust.
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Owning and Learning From Major Personal Failures
The discussion revolves around the importance of acknowledging and learning from one's mistakes, particularly those with profound consequences on loved ones and oneself.
Owning Mistakes Enables Growth
Carl Lentz Admitted Infidelity, Ministry Loss, and Committed to Change
Carl Lentz candidly shares the duality he lived—a public life preaching honesty while privately ignoring the "fire" in areas of his life. By admitting to infidelity and the rationalization that kept him silent, Lentz faced the unraveling of his personal integrity. His concealment stemmed from a desire to prevent the collapse of his community and to shield himself from accountability for the damage caused.
Lentz acknowledges the need to devote time to rebuilding his life with as much fervor as he did to damaging it. He addresses challenges such as the aftermath of being sexually abused as a child and how this impacted his actions. Lentz and his wife, Laura, are in the process of starting a new marriage, not just rebuilding the old one.
Facing Consequences: A Path to Healing and Transformation
Lentz's Misdeeds Exposed, Family Humiliated and Faced Loss - He Chose to Confront Mistakes
When Lentz's affair was revealed, the fallout was extensive. He lost his job, his reputation, and nearly all of his friends. His family faced housing loss and public scrutiny. Lentz realized the extent of trust broken and how essential it was for him to prove that this would not be the final chapter of his life, understanding that lies and secrets only pave the path to destruction.
He speaks of a drug addiction spiral that crashed down around him, the confrontation with his mistakes, a ...
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Owning and Learning From Major Personal Failures
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Actionables
- You can start a personal accountability journal to track your commitments to change and reflect on daily actions. By writing down your goals, the steps you're taking to achieve them, and your reflections on the process, you create a tangible record of your journey. For example, if you're working on being more honest in your relationships, note instances where you chose transparency over comfort and how it felt.
- Create a "new beginnings" ritual with your partner to symbolize the start of a fresh chapter in your relationship. This could be as simple as planting a tree together, representing growth and nurturing, or writing letters to each other outlining your hopes for the future and burying them in a "time capsule" to revisit in years to come.
- Volunteer for a cause th ...
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Emotional and Psychological Impact of Shame and Guilt
Tony Robbins and Carl Lentz delve into the complex nature of shame and guilt, exploring their profound impact on individuals and their capacity for personal change and growth.
Shame: Flawed Self-Perception; Guilt: Wrongful Actions
Shame Is Unproductive, Guilt Fuels Change
Lentz clarifies the difference between shame and guilt, describing shame as self-imposed shackles that focus on flawed self-perception and hinder progress. It is a selfish preoccupation with oneself following a mistake, as it involves a preoccupation with others' perceptions and one's own embarrassment. Robbins and Lentz discuss that shame concerns itself with factors outside one’s control, such as others' opinions, and is therefore unproductive.
Conversely, Lentz contrasts shame with guilt, explaining that while shame keeps one fixated on being bad, guilt is about recognizing wrongful actions. It is remorse that serves as an engine for change—conviction motivates for doing better.
Shame Fosters Fear Of Judgment, Causing Isolation and Avoidance
Lentz conveys how a fear of judgment can lead to social isolation and avoidance. He analogizes the reluctance to face life's potential issues with the hesitancy of seeking a doctor's opinion for a dreaded diagnosis like COVID-19. Shame leads to discomfort and the fear of exposure of one’s frailties or unaddressed problems. He describes this emotional weight as it consumed a significant portion of his mental energy, to the detriment of his relationships, such as with his son.
Lentz Overcame Shame and Fear to Share His Story and Help Others
Despite the prolonged dread and potential e ...
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Emotional and Psychological Impact of Shame and Guilt
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Counterarguments
- While shame can be unproductive, it can also serve as a social emotion that signals to us that our behavior may have been out of line with societal or personal values, prompting reflection and self-evaluation.
- The distinction between shame and guilt may not be as clear-cut as presented; some psychologists argue that shame can also motivate personal growth if it leads to constructive self-critique rather than self-attack.
- Guilt, while it can fuel change, can also become debilitating if it leads to excessive self-blame and prevents a person from moving forward due to a fixation on past mistakes.
- The idea that shame is solely focused on others' perceptions might be an oversimplification, as shame can also stem from deeply held personal standards and values, independent of others' opinions.
- The assertion that shame is always unproductive may not acknowledge the complexity of human emotions and their role in moral development and social functioning.
- The notion that public sharing is a means to overcome shame may not be universally applicable, as some individual ...
Actionables
- You can start a personal "shame journal" to identify and address feelings of shame. Write down instances when you feel shame, noting the triggers and your reactions. This practice helps you recognize patterns and develop strategies to cope with these feelings. For example, if you notice that you often feel shame after speaking in a group, you might prepare more thoroughly for your next meeting or practice self-affirmation techniques.
- Create a "guilt to growth" list where you jot down recent mistakes and outline actionable steps to make amends or improve. This turns feelings of guilt into a constructive plan for personal development. For instance, if you feel guilty about not spending enough time with family, your list might include scheduling regular family dinners or planning a weekend outing.
- Engage in "vuln ...
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Practical Steps and Mindsets For Forgiving Oneself
During a discussion about the nature of self-forgiveness, Lentz proposes practical steps and mindsets one can adopt when dealing with significant personal missteps.
Forgiveness Is a Choice, Not a Feeling - It Requires Daily Effort
Lentz is adamant that forgiveness is a decision rather than a spontaneous feeling, akin to mythical "fairy dust." He clarifies that choosing to forgive doesn't necessarily align with one's emotions, as feelings of anger or resentment may linger. This choice must be reaffirmed on a daily basis, particularly when the person you are forgiving, which in this case is oneself, continues to err. Lentz insists on the necessity to persevere with the choice of forgiveness despite these challenges, as it is pivotal in moving past one's wrongdoings and towards rebuilding one’s life.
Lentz Decided to Forgive Himself to Move Forward
Lentz shares how he came to the realization that self-forgiveness is crucial. After being "caught" up in wrongdoing, he underscores that one has to make the personal choice to change. He speaks about the importance of personal choice in the process of change and self-forgiveness and the daily challenge of sticking to this choice. Lentz recounts a personal moment with God, which led him to deem it 'ridiculous' not to forgive himself, and he has since chosen to live in the reality of self-forgiveness.
Investing In and Nurturing a "New You" Shows True Self-Forgiveness
According to Lentz, evidence of someone forgiving themselves is demonstrated by their investment in who they are at present. He talks about making the conscious decision to forgive oneself and then substantiating it through actions that contribute to building a new and improved self. Lentz reveals that even while being acutely aware of the damage his actions have caused, he has chosen to rise above shame, choosing not to dwell on it since it manifests as physically and emotionally demeaning.
Lentz discusses the "aftershocks" or "after-effects" that follow the act of forgiving, which represent the personal challenges on ...
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Practical Steps and Mindsets For Forgiving Oneself
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Counterarguments
- Forgiveness as a choice may oversimplify complex emotional processes; some argue that feelings play a significant role in the ability to forgive.
- The notion of daily effort in forgiveness might be daunting or unrealistic for some, suggesting that forgiveness can also be a non-linear process with varying degrees of effort over time.
- The idea of self-forgiveness leading to moving forward might not acknowledge the full spectrum of emotions and setbacks individuals can experience, even with self-forgiveness.
- The concept of nurturing a "new you" could imply a rejection of one's past self, which some might argue is an essential part of one's identity and growth, not something to move away from.
- The emphasis on self-improvement might inadvertently promote a se ...
Actionables
- Start a forgiveness journal where you write one thing you forgive yourself for each day, turning forgiveness into a habitual practice. This method helps to reinforce the concept that forgiveness is a choice and encourages daily commitment. For example, if you were late to an appointment, write about forgiving yourself for this mistake and reflect on how you can plan better in the future.
- Create a "new you" roadmap with specific milestones that represent self-improvement and self-forgiveness. This could include learning a new skill, volunteering, or improving a personal relationship. Each milestone achieved is a testament to the investment in your growth. For instance, if you aim to be more patient, set a milestone to complete a meditation challenge, and track your progress.
- Implement a "pay it forward" system in y ...
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Transforming One's Worst Experiences Into Positive Change
The following article explores how individuals, particularly Carl Lentz, can turn adverse experiences into positive outcomes by facing the past, embracing transparency, and inspiring others.
Adversity Can Yield Wisdom, Empathy, and Life Appreciation With Inner Work
Lentz's Downfall Provides New Perspective, Enhances Role as Husband, Father, Leader
Robbins and Lentz discuss the importance of confronting past mistakes for personal growth and healing. Lentz shares intimately how his downfall—marked by professional and personal crises—transformed him. It led to newfound empathy and personal development, subsequently reshaping his roles as a husband, father, and leader. He faced metaphorical and literal fractures, alongside challenges with sleeping and communication during his spiral, which culminated in his growth.
Lentz relates his past experiences with sexual abuse to his journey, emphasizing the possibility of rewiring one’s brain to relate and support others who've faced similar betrayals. Following his lows, Lentz viewed his life as a desert and saw no option but to plant new seeds and push forward. Now, he's starting to witness the growth from those seeds, which fills him with appreciation. Moreover, Lentz describes his commitment to not repeating past mistakes, reflecting on painful memories, like the night he hit rock bottom or when he confessed to his wife, as lessons for the future. He indicates that his experiences, while trying, have improved his presence, safety, honor, vulnerability, and consistency, and have provided a new perspective that enhances his roles.
Stories of Struggle and Redemption Inspire Others Through Challenges
Lentz Chose Transparency About His Mistakes to Offer Hope and Guidance To Those Dealing With Shame, Guilt, and Failure Aftermath
Carl Lentz chooses transparency regarding his mistakes to offer hope and guidance to others grappling with shame, guilt, and the fallout of personal failures. Robbins notes Lentz’s openness about his fall from grace, which he could have avoided discussing or vanished from the public eye, yet he decided to leverage his ordeal to guide and inspire others. Lentz talks about the notion of “dread” and the significance of confronting the sources of such feelings immediately. Facing bitterness and anger head-on can, according to Lentz, transform these negative emotions into wisdom and personal growth.
Lentz has discovered that sharing his journey provides solace and support to others in like situations. His narrative serves as a reminder that better days are ahead and that all efforts toward healing, symbolized by planting seeds of change, are worthwhile endeavors. He encourages being truthful about the struggle with forgiveness, as engagement with such challenges can foster a deeper ap ...
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Transforming One's Worst Experiences Into Positive Change
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Counterarguments
- While confronting past mistakes can be crucial for personal growth, it is not the only path to healing; some individuals may find that moving forward without dwelling on the past is more beneficial for their mental health.
- The idea that one must "rewire" their brain to support others could be seen as oversimplifying the complex nature of empathy and the diverse ways people process and overcome trauma.
- The metaphor of life as a desert and planting new seeds might not resonate with everyone, as some may view their journey through adversity without the need for such imagery or may have different coping mechanisms.
- The commitment to not repeating past mistakes is commendable, but it is important to acknowledge that humans are fallible and may sometimes repeat errors despite their best efforts.
- Transparency about one's mistakes can offer hope and guidance, but it is also important to respect individual privacy and understand that not everyone may be comfortable with or benefit from public disclosure.
- The notion that sharing one's journey always provides solace and support to others assumes that all individuals will respond positively to such stories, which may not be the case for everyone.
- Encouraging truthfulness about the struggle with forgiveness is valuable, but it's also important to recognize that forgiveness is a personal journey and what works for one person may not work for another.
- The idea that a family leaning on each other during trying times will always bring them closer may not hold true for all families, as stress can sometimes exacerbate underlying issues.
- Leveraging past errors to enhance familial and leadership roles assumes that all mistakes can be transformed into learning opp ...
Actionables
- Start a personal growth journal to reflect on past mistakes and document the lessons learned. Each day, write down a mistake you've made, how it affected you and others, and what you've learned from it. This practice can help you process your emotions, recognize patterns in your behavior, and commit to making better choices in the future.
- Create a "transparency pact" with a close friend or family member where you both agree to share your struggles and mistakes openly. This can be a regular meetup or a shared online document where you both write down your experiences. The goal is to build a support system that encourages honesty and provides a safe space to discuss personal challenges and growth.
- Volunteer for a cause that resonates with ...
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