How to Talk to Difficult People: Proven Strategies to Stop Arguments & Feel Connected Again
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Charles Duhigg and Mel Robbins examine how to navigate difficult conversations by understanding three distinct types of communication: practical, emotional, and social. They discuss strategies for active listening and explain how paraphrasing others' viewpoints can demonstrate understanding and keep dialogues productive.
The hosts share techniques for managing disagreements effectively, including how to create the right environment for difficult discussions and maintain focus on specific issues. They explore ways to find common ground when discussing charged topics like politics and religion, emphasizing the importance of understanding others' beliefs and values rather than trying to win arguments. Through their discussion, they offer practical approaches for maintaining relationships even during challenging conversations.
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1-Page Summary
Types of Conversations: Practical, Emotional, Social and how to Identify
Charles Duhigg and Mel Robbins explore three fundamental types of conversations. Practical conversations focus on logistics and problem-solving, such as making plans or decisions. Emotional conversations center on expressing feelings and seeking empathy rather than solutions. Social conversations, as Duhigg explains, involve discussing how individuals relate to society, their identities, and their values.
Techniques for Active Listening and Understanding Others' Perspectives
Duhigg emphasizes the importance of asking deep questions that explore values and beliefs rather than just facts. He demonstrates the power of "looping for understanding" by paraphrasing others' perspectives to show comprehension. Both hosts stress that acknowledging the validity of opposing viewpoints, even without agreeing, is crucial for maintaining open dialogue and potentially influencing others' perspectives.
Strategies For Having Constructive Disagreements and Arguments
When handling disagreements, Duhigg recommends controlling the environment by scheduling discussions when both parties are well-rested and focused. He advises keeping conversations focused on specific issues rather than letting them spiral into broader topics. The goal, as both hosts emphasize, should be understanding rather than winning arguments. They suggest avoiding combative language and instead seeking common ground through thoughtful questions.
Applying Communication Skills To Personal Relationships and Conflicts
In discussing emotionally charged topics like politics and religion, Duhigg suggests focusing on the 80% that people have in common rather than the 20% where they differ. Robbins acknowledges that while some conversations may trigger strong emotions, understanding why people believe what they believe is essential for maintaining relationships. Both hosts emphasize that finding shared values and concerns can help bridge even fundamental disagreements.
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Counterarguments
- While practical conversations are focused on logistics, they can also involve a significant emotional component, especially when the decisions being made have personal impacts.
- Emotional conversations may sometimes require solutions and not just empathy, as some situations necessitate actionable advice alongside emotional support.
- Social conversations can also include light-hearted topics like hobbies or entertainment, which may not directly relate to society, identity, or values.
- Deep questions are important, but they must be balanced with sensitivity to the other person's willingness to engage at that level; not everyone may be comfortable diving into values and beliefs.
- Looping for understanding can be effective, but it can also come across as patronizing or redundant if not done skillfully.
- While acknowledging opposing viewpoints is important, there are situations where some viewpoints may be fundamentally harmful or incorrect and may not deserve validation.
- Scheduling discussions for when both parties are well-rested is ideal, but it may not always be practical or possible, especially in urgent situations.
- Focusing on specific issues is helpful, but sometimes broader topics need to be addressed to understand the root causes of disagreements.
- The goal of understanding in a conversation is important, but there are times when it is equally important to advocate strongly for one's own position, especially in matters of justice or ethics.
- Focusing on common ground is useful, but it should not come at the expense of ignoring serious issues where disagreement exists, as this can lead to unresolved conflicts and resentment.
Actionables
- Create a "conversation menu" for your next social gathering, with topics categorized as practical, emotional, or social, to encourage a variety of discussions. This menu can be a physical card that you hand out or a digital message you send beforehand. For example, under practical, you might list "Upcoming local events," under emotional, "Share a recent personal victory or challenge," and under social, "Discuss the impact of a recent news story on our community."
- Start a personal reflection journal where you write down one deep question each day to ask someone in your life, aiming to understand their values and beliefs better. For instance, you might ask a family member, "What life experience has shaped your outlook on work the most?" and then actively listen to their response, using looping for understanding by writing down your paraphrased interpretation in your journal.
- Develop a 'common ground' notebook where you note down shared values and points of agreement during conversations with friends, family, or colleagues. Use this notebook to prepare for future discussions where you anticipate disagreement, reminding yourself to steer the conversation towards these commonalities. For example, if you and a coworker disagree on a project approach, you might refer to your notes that highlight your shared goal of project success to find a compromise.
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Types of Conversations: Practical, Emotional, Social and how to Identify
Understanding the nature of conversations we engage in can help improve communication. Charles Duhigg breaks down conversations into three primary types: practical, emotional, and social, each with distinct goals and characteristics.
Main Conversation Types: Practical, Emotional, Social
Duhigg and Mel Robbins discuss identifying the type of conversation happening—practical, emotional, or social. Each type plays a different role in our interactions.
Practical Conversations Focus On Solutions and Plans
Practical conversations pertain to logistics and problem-solving. Duhigg points out that these conversations can involve making plans, such as figuring out vacation details or deciding what to have for dinner. Such interactions aim for solutions and typically do not delve into emotional depths. For instance, when a person wants to handle the week's mechanics, they are not looking for a deep exploration of feelings but rather an exchange to achieve practical outcomes.
Emotional Conversations Share Feelings and Seek Empathy
In contrast, emotional conversations revolve around expressing feelings and seeking empathy. Duhigg shares an experience of complaining about his day, expecting empathy from his wife, but receives solutions instead, leading to frustration for both. Robbins relates, noting that when her adult children share their problems, they’re typically looking for validation rather than solutions.
The essence of these conversations is not problem-solving but emotional connection. Sometimes, after a stressful day, an individual may seek the emotional release of venting without a desire for the problem to be solved. The goal of an emotional conversation is empathy, and it may involve discussions where individuals are so emotionally invested that they use emotional language ...
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Types of Conversations: Practical, Emotional, Social and how to Identify
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Counterarguments
- The categorization of conversations into practical, emotional, and social might be overly simplistic, as many conversations contain elements of all three types.
- The framework may not account for cultural differences in communication styles, where the boundaries between practical, emotional, and social conversations are less distinct.
- The assumption that practical conversations do not delve into emotional depths could be challenged, as even logistical discussions can have emotional undercurrents or implications.
- Emotional conversations might sometimes also aim for problem-solving, as expressing feelings can be a step towards resolving an issue.
- The definition of social conversations could be expanded to include not just identity and values but also casual banter and small talk, which play a significant role in social bo ...
Actionables
- Create a conversation journal to track the types of discussions you have, noting whether they're practical, emotional, or social. After each conversation, jot down a few details about the topic, the type of conversation it was, and how you felt during and after the exchange. This will help you become more aware of your conversational patterns and identify areas where you might want to improve or balance the types of conversations you're having.
- Develop a set of conversation starter cards tailored to each conversation type. For practical conversations, the cards could include prompts like "What's the most efficient way to tackle this issue?" For emotional conversations, try "How did that experience make you feel?" And for social conversations, use prompts such as "What's a value you hold dear and why?" Use these cards in your daily interactions to guide the flow of conversation according to the type you wish to engag ...
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Techniques for Active Listening and Understanding Others' Perspectives
Mel Robbins and Charles Duhigg emphasize the importance of understanding the perspectives of others through deeper conversations. They discuss how deep questions, paraphrasing, and acknowledging opposing views can help in building stronger connections.
Understanding Others Through Questions
Deep Questions Explore Values, Beliefs, and Views Rather Than Just Facts
Charles Duhigg stresses the importance of deep questions in conversations that enable individuals to share real, meaningful, and vulnerable thoughts, helping each other understand how they see the world. Deep questions explore a person's values, beliefs, or experiences beyond just facts. He uses the example of understanding the values and beliefs behind Mel Robbins' preference for Venus over Mars by asking why this issue matters to her, exploring the emotional component behind her views.
The hosts discuss how asking why certain things bother people can reveal a deeper desire to feel connected. When dealing with loss, asking a question like "What was your dad like?" can open a conversation that explores personal values and insights.
Repeating the Other Person's Perspective to Demonstrate Understanding
Paraphrasing Shows Understanding
Robbins admits she struggles with actually listening in the right way, highlighting the significance of paraphrasing someone's perspective for better understanding. Duhigg exemplifies this by repeating what he hears Robbins say, but in his own words, to show he comprehends her viewpoint. By using "looping for understanding," he paraphrases Robbins' expressions to convey empathy and understanding, further inviting her to correct him if needed. This approach of active listening and understanding helps in confirming that the listener has accurately grasped the speaker's message.
Acknowledging Validity in Opposing Perspectives
Acknowledging Their Reasoning Opens Them To Your Viewpoint
Recognizing the emotion behind what is shared is crucial in opening a dialogue, as Robbins points out by sharing the consequences of offering solutions rather than validation in talks with her family. The goal in sensitive discussions on t ...
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Counterarguments
- Deep questions, while valuable, may sometimes be perceived as intrusive or too personal, especially if there isn't a pre-existing level of trust between the individuals.
- Paraphrasing can sometimes lead to misunderstandings if the listener's interpretation is off-mark, which can cause frustration rather than clarity.
- Acknowledging the emotion behind a shared perspective is important, but it may not always be welcomed by individuals who prefer to focus on facts and logic over emotions.
- The emphasis on validating another's perspective might inadvertently lead to a lack of critical discussion on the actual issues at hand, especially if the validation is perceived as mere lip service.
- The approach of acknowledging and validating to change someone's mind can be seen as manipulative if the intent behind the validation is solely to sway the other person rather than genuinely ...
Actionables
- Start a "Deep Question Journal" where you jot down one profound question each day to ask someone in your life, focusing on their values, beliefs, and experiences. This practice encourages you to think critically about the types of questions that foster meaningful conversations and prepares you to engage others on a deeper level. For example, instead of asking a coworker "How was your weekend?" you might ask "What's something you experienced this weekend that made you rethink a long-held belief?"
- Create a "Paraphrase and Validate" challenge with a friend or family member where you take turns sharing thoughts and the listener has to paraphrase the message and acknowledge the emotions involved. This exercise can be done during regular catch-ups and helps both participants improve their active listening and empathy skills. For instance, if a friend expresses frustration about their job, you might respond with, "It sounds like you're feeling undervalued at work, which must be really disheartening."
- Implement a "Perspective Reflection" routine where, after any significant conversation, you take a few minutes t ...
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Strategies For Having Constructive Disagreements and Arguments
Duhigg and Robbins discuss how to deal with disagreements constructively, highlighting the importance of environment, focus, mutual understanding, and self-control in contentious discussions.
Control the Environment and Parameters, Not the Person
Schedule a Rested, Focused Talk
Duhigg recommends controlling the environment for the conversation by suggesting waiting until both parties are well-rested. For example, rather than discussing an issue immediately, he suggests planning to talk about it the next day at 10 o'clock after a good night's sleep and breakfast. This ensures that both parties are focused and calm, leading to a more fruitful discussion.
Focusing On one Issue Over Broad Topics
Duhigg emphasizes the importance of focusing on one issue at a time, such as deciding where to go for Thanksgiving, instead of allowing the conversation to devolve into broader topics that could lead to more heated disagreements. By setting aside other issues for the moment, the boundaries of the argument are better managed, and the discussion stays on track.
Express Your Goal and Ask About Theirs
Aim: Understand, Not Agree
The goal of difficult conversations should be to understand the other person’s perspective, not necessarily to agree with them. Duhigg demonstrates this principle when role-playing a disagreement by asking deep questions to understand the significance of the topic, instead of trying to prove the other person wrong. This aims for mutual understanding rather than agreement.
Practicing Self-Control and Avoiding Combative Language
Finding Common Ground Over Asserting Right or Wrong
Duhigg advises speaking in a way that the other can understand and emphasizes the importance of focusing on gray areas where agreement might be found. He warns against shouting opinions as it leads to others shutting down and not listening.
Additionally, Duhigg touches on expressing the ...
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Counterarguments
- While scheduling a rested, focused talk is ideal, it may not always be practical in urgent situations where immediate resolution is necessary.
- Focusing on one issue at a time might oversimplify complex problems where multiple interconnected issues need to be addressed simultaneously.
- Aiming to understand rather than agree can sometimes lead to endless discussions without resolution, which can be frustrating and unproductive.
- Finding common ground is important, but there are situations where fundamental values or truths are at stake, and compromise may not be appropriate or ethical.
- Avoiding combative language is generally good advice, but there are circumstances where strong language may be necessary to convey the seriousness or urgency of a situation.
- Expressing the goal ...
Actionables
- Create a "conversation prep" checklist that includes items like getting a good night's sleep, choosing a quiet environment, and setting a clear intention for the discussion. This helps ensure you're physically and mentally prepared for constructive conversations. For example, you might include reminders to meditate or do breathing exercises before the talk to maintain focus.
- Start a personal journal where you reflect on past discussions, focusing on what went well when you concentrated on one issue. Use this to identify patterns in your communication and set boundaries for future conversations. For instance, after a conversation, note down the central issue you discussed, how it was addressed, and what boundaries helped keep the discussion on track.
- Develop a "common ground" card dec ...
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Applying Communication Skills To Personal Relationships and Conflicts
As discussed by Duhigg and Robbins, the ability to navigate difficult conversations is crucial to maintaining personal relationships, even amidst deep-seated disagreements.
Techniques to Maintain Connections Despite Fundamental Disagreements
Robbins and Duhigg emphasize the significance of understanding each other in order to prevent relationships from deteriorating. Robbins mentions how avoiding topics like politics and religion with family members or coworkers can lead to distance and tension. Both Robbins and Duhigg recognize that it's important to understand why people believe what they believe; acknowledging a point of view without this understanding can lead to disconnect within relationships.
Skills for Emotionally-Charged Conversations
Conversations around topics like politics, religion, and family dynamics can quickly become emotionally charged. Robbins discusses the listeners' struggles with such topics and points out that politics can be particularly triggering. Duhigg advises that you may choose not to engage in every potentially contentious conversation and focus on commonalities instead.
Robbins shares her past experiences with emotionally charged discussions, such as talking to a relative about sensitive issues, suggesting that such topics often result in yelling and feelings of being attacked. Duhigg mentions a strategy of asking deep questions to understand the un ...
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Counterarguments
- While understanding each other is important, it can sometimes be necessary to establish boundaries rather than continually seeking to understand deeply held beliefs that may never align.
- Avoiding topics like politics and religion might sometimes preserve relationships rather than lead to distance, as it can prevent recurring conflicts.
- Engaging with contentious topics, even if they are emotionally charged, can sometimes lead to growth and deeper understanding in a relationship, rather than just focusing on commonalities.
- Focusing exclusively on common ground can sometimes lead to the avoidance of necessary confrontations that can address and resolve underlying issues.
- Asking deep questions to understand underlying concerns can sometimes be perceived as intrusive or confrontational, which might esca ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Common Ground Journal" where you note down shared values and interests with each person in your life. Whenever you're about to have a conversation on a potentially divisive topic, review your journal to remind yourself of the commonalities you share with that person. This can help keep the conversation positive and constructive.
- Start a personal tradition of "Understanding Dinners" where you invite friends or family members over with the intention of discussing one contentious topic in a safe and respectful environment. The rule is that everyone must ask at least two questions to understand the other's point of view before sharing their own. This encourages deep listening and understanding.
- Develop a ha ...
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