Podcasts > The Mel Robbins Podcast > It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

By Stitcher

In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Robbins and friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson examine why adult friendships—particularly among women—can be challenging to maintain. They analyze the core differences between male and female friendship dynamics, exploring how women's tendencies toward intimate, one-on-one relationships affect their expectations and emotional responses in friendships.

The discussion covers three key elements of women's friendships: symmetry, support, and secrecy, and how disruptions to these elements can create tension. Robbins and Jackson share practical insights about managing friendship challenges, including the importance of clear communication, setting boundaries, and accepting that friendships naturally evolve over time. They explain why maintaining multiple friendships, rather than relying heavily on one person, can lead to healthier relationships.

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It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

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It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

1-Page Summary

Dynamics of Female vs. Male Friendships

Mel Robbins and Danielle Bayard Jackson explore the fundamental differences between how men and women approach friendships. Women typically form intimate one-on-one relationships centered around personal topics like health and family. In contrast, men tend to gather in larger groups, focusing on shared activities and less personal subjects like sports and current events.

The Complexity of Female Friendships

While deeply rewarding, women's friendships can be more conflict-prone due to their intimate nature. Robbins explains that women often view friends as siblings, while men see them more as cousins. This closeness in female friendships leads to higher expectations and emotional reactions. According to Jackson's research, the high level of reciprocity and self-disclosure in women's friendships can lead to more perceived disappointments, potentially explaining why these friendships may dissolve more quickly than men's.

Managing Challenges in Female Friendships

Jackson identifies three key elements in women's friendships: symmetry, support, and secrecy. When these elements are disrupted, tensions can arise. Unmet emotional support needs often lead to silent withdrawal, while breaches in confidentiality can severely damage trust. Additionally, Robbins and Jackson note that societal pressures can fuel competition and jealousy among women, particularly regarding personal achievements and social status.

Communication and Boundaries

Both experts emphasize the importance of clear communication in maintaining healthy female friendships. Jackson advises explicitly expressing expectations rather than assuming friends should inherently understand them. She suggests addressing disappointments directly and setting boundaries around communication frequency. Robbins shares that maintaining multiple friendships, rather than depending heavily on one person, can help create healthier relationship dynamics.

Evolution of Female Friendships

Jackson notes that people typically replace about half their close friends every seven years as lives and priorities shift. Both experts encourage women to embrace these natural changes in friendships. Robbins advocates for maintaining flexibility in relationships, while Jackson emphasizes the importance of being open to forming new connections as older friendships naturally evolve or fade.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • Generalizations about gender and friendships may not apply to everyone; individual experiences can vary widely.
  • The idea that women's friendships are more conflict-prone could be a stereotype; some men's friendships may also experience high levels of conflict.
  • The dissolution rate of friendships might not be inherently tied to gender but rather to individual circumstances and personality traits.
  • The concept of symmetry, support, and secrecy might be important in all friendships, regardless of gender.
  • Societal pressures and competition can affect men's friendships as well, not just women's.
  • The notion that clear communication is more crucial in female friendships could be challenged; it is a critical component of any healthy relationship, regardless of gender.
  • The idea that people replace about half their close friends every seven years might not hold true for everyone; some individuals maintain long-term friendships throughout their lives.
  • Flexibility and openness to new connections are important for all individuals, not just women or in the context of female friendships.

Actionables

  • You can create a "Friendship Charter" with close friends to outline mutual expectations and how to address conflicts, similar to a roommate agreement but focused on emotional needs and friendship dynamics. This document would include how often you'd like to communicate, how you'll handle disagreements, and confidentiality expectations. By having this written agreement, you can prevent misunderstandings and ensure that both parties are on the same page about the friendship's boundaries and needs.
  • Start a "Friendship Reflection Journal" where you regularly note down your feelings about your friendships, any changes you've observed, and how you've addressed them. This can help you track the evolution of your relationships over time, recognize patterns in how you deal with friendship challenges, and make conscious decisions about when to invest more in a friendship or let it naturally fade.
  • Organize a monthly "Expectations Exchange" meetup with your friends where everyone can openly discuss their needs, disappointments, and boundaries in a supportive environment. This can be a casual coffee gathering or a structured group discussion, providing a dedicated space to express and align expectations, which can strengthen the bonds and understanding within the group.

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It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

Dynamics of Female vs. Male Friendships

Women Form Intimate Dyads, Men Form Casual Groups

The nature of women's and men's friendships is contrastingly characterized by the levels of intimacy and the ways these relationships are structured.

Women's Friendships Feature Deep Emotional Intimacy Via Personal Topics Like Health and Family

Women tend to form one-to-one relationships, or "dyads," resulting in deep connections where personal matters such as mental and physical health, and family, are often discussed. Mel Robbins and Danielle Bayard Jackson explain that these dyadic interactions create an intimate atmosphere where women experience depth and platonic intimacy.

Men's Friendships Focus On Shared Activities, Not Personal Disclosure

In contrast to women's dyadic friendships, men are more likely to gather in larger, more casual groups. Men engage in conversations about topics like current events and sports, which do not involve personal disclosure. This approach places less emphasis on intimacy and centers less on the self, allowing for anonymity in the group setting.

Women's Friendships: Rewarding yet Conflict-Prone due to Closeness and Vulnerability

Close friendships among women are often rewarding, yet they can be conflict-prone due to the very vulnerability that makes them intimate.

Women See Friends As Siblings; Men as Cousins

Mel Robbins contrasts the experiences of friendships between women and men, suggesting that women see their friends similarly to siblings, implying a closer bond. Men, on the other hand, might view their friends more like cousins, indicating a less intimate connection. The closeness and integration of women's friendships into their lives increase the risk of friction and conflicts due to heightened expectations and emotional reactions.

Heightened Intimacy in Female Friendships Raises Expectations and Emotional Reactions

Female friendships often require a high degree of emotional exchange and intimacy, leading to a reciprocal expectation to share and be known. As women become more deeply integrated into each other's lives, the stakes are higher in terms of vulnerability and accountabil ...

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Dynamics of Female vs. Male Friendships

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • In the context of friendships, a dyad is a relationship between two people. In women's friendships, forming dyads means creating one-on-one connections that foster deep emotional intimacy. This structure allows for personal topics like health and family to be openly discussed, leading to a sense of closeness and understanding. Dyadic interactions in female friendships often involve sharing vulnerabilities and supporting each other in a more intimate and personal manner.
  • In the context of female friendships, likening friends to siblings implies a deep emotional bond akin to family. On the other hand, comparing male friendships to cousins suggests a more distant and less emotionally intense connection. This analogy highlights the varying levels of intimacy and closeness experienced in friendships between women and men.
  • Heightened intimacy in friendships can lead to increased expectations and emotional reactions because the deeper emotional connection creates a sense of closeness and vulnerability. This closeness can result in a reciprocal expectation to share and be known, leading to higher stakes in terms of vulnerability and accountability. When these expectations are not met, it can lead to feelings of disappointment, resentment, and potential conflicts within the friendship. This dynamic is often more pronounced in female friendships due to the emphasis on emotional exchange and intimacy.
  • Expectations for friends to understand cues without explicit communication can stem from a deep level of emotional intimacy in female friendships. This expectation arises from the belief that close friends should be attuned to each other's unspoken needs and emotions. It reflects a desire for a strong emotional connection where friends can intuitively grasp each other's feelings without the need for direct verbal communication. This dynamic can lead to misunderstandings or conflicts when these implicit cues are not recognized or acted upon as expected.
  • Unmet support expectations in friendships can lead to feelings of resentment and withdrawal. When friends expect a certain level of support that is not provided, it can strain the relationship. This can escalate to conflicts and tensions, especially in friendships where emotional exchange and intimacy are significant. The dynamic of unmet support expectations can impact the longevity and quality of friendships.
  • Reciprocity expectations in women's friend ...

Counterarguments

  • The generalizations about women forming intimate dyads and men forming casual groups may not account for individual differences and the diversity of friendship styles across genders.
  • Some men also engage in deep emotional intimacy in their friendships, discussing personal topics and forming close dyadic relationships.
  • The idea that men's friendships focus on shared activities rather than personal disclosure could be an oversimplification and may not reflect the complexity of male bonding and communication.
  • The notion that women's friendships are more conflict-prone due to closeness and vulnerability could be challenged by studies showing that men also experience conflicts in their friendships, albeit possibly dealing with them differently.
  • The comparison of women seeing friends as siblings and men as cousins might not hold true for all individuals, as some men may see their friends as brothers and some women may not feel sibling-like closeness with their friends.
  • The expectation that women may understand cues without explicit communication could be a stereotype and not representative of all female friendships, which can also rely on clear and direct communication.
  • The assertion that unmet support expectations in female friendships lead to resentment and conflicts could be countered by the idea that healthy friendships, regardless of gender, involve negotiation and the ability to manage unmet expectations without necessarily leading to conflict.
  • The claim that conflicts in female friendships ...

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It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

Challenges in Female Friendships: Jealousy, Control, Expectations

Female friendships are deeply valued for their symmetry, support, and secrecy, but Danielle Bayard Jackson, Robbins, and others note how these same aspects can fuel tensions, jealousy, and competitiveness when disrupted.

Women Prioritize Symmetry, Support, and Secrecy in Friendships; Tensions Arise When These Are Disrupted

Symmetry: Balance, Reciprocity, and Equality in Friendship

Danielle Bayard Jackson points out that women value feelings of sameness, balance, reciprocity, and egalitarianism in friendships, a concept known as "symmetry." When there is a mismatch in expectations or when friends diverge in life paths creating a sense of inequality, tension arises. Robbins adds that drama in female friendships can stem from these disruptions in balance or reciprocity, especially during significant life events when emotional support is expected but not received.

Unmet Emotional Support Needs Create Distance Among Women

Emotional support is deemed crucial in female friendships; unspoken emotional needs can lead to misunderstandings and distance. Robbins and Jackson discuss how disappointments may arise from unmet expectations such as not showing up during tough times. This unmet need for emotional solidarity can cause women to withdraw silently, expecting friends to reach out, which may compound into silent grievances.

Sharing Personal Information Is Crucial, and Breaches Can Damage Women's Friendships

The expectation of sharing personal information and self-disclosure means breaches can significantly damage friendships. When tension arises, women may share less, affecting the sense of closeness. If important news is shared with someone else first, it can convey a lack of trust and closeness. Jackson explains that mutual self-disclosure is the glue of women's friendships and that breaches to these expectations can lead to conflict.

Jealousy and Competitiveness in Female Friendships Stem From Seeking Equality and Status

Women's Self-Worth May Be Threatened by Friends' Successes, Causing Envy and Strained Relationships

Jealousy and competitiveness often result from comparing statuses with friends. Jackson discusses how a friend’s successes can evoke envy, leading to passive-aggressive behavior if these feelings aren’t addressed. Robbins describes how f ...

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Challenges in Female Friendships: Jealousy, Control, Expectations

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While symmetry is valued, some female friendships thrive on complementarity rather than strict equality, with friends appreciating their differences.
  • Tensions in friendships can also arise from external factors unrelated to the friendship itself, such as personal stress or unrelated interpersonal conflicts.
  • Emotional support is important, but not all women may prioritize it equally; some may place a higher value on shared activities or intellectual connection.
  • The sharing of personal information is crucial, but privacy and boundaries are also important; not all personal information needs to be shared for a friendship to be strong.
  • Jealousy and competitiveness are not exclusive to female friendships and can be observed in friendships regardless of gender.
  • Women's self-worth can be influenced by a variety of factors, and not all women experience envy towards friends' successes; so ...

Actionables

  • You can create a "Friendship Charter" with close friends to set expectations and boundaries. Draft a simple document together that outlines what each of you values in the friendship, such as how often you share personal information, what kind of support you're looking for, and how to handle feelings of jealousy or competition. This can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that everyone's needs are met.
  • Start a personal "Success Sharing" ritual to celebrate friends' achievements without feeling threatened. Whenever a friend succeeds, initiate a small celebration or acknowledgment that focuses on their hard work and your genuine happiness for them. This can be as simple as sending a congratulatory message, sharing their success on social media with a supportive caption, or treating them to coffee. This practice can reinforce positive feelings and reduce envy.
  • Develop a "Competition Redirect" habit to channel feelings of jealousy into pe ...

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It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

Maintaining Female Friendships: Communication and Boundaries

Maintaining female friendships requires clear communication and setting boundaries, as discussed by experts Danielle Bayard Jackson and Mel Robbins.

Open Communication Resolves Conflicts and Sets Boundaries in Female Friendships

Bayard Jackson and Robbins emphasize the necessity for open communication and expressing expectations clearly in order to maintain and strengthen female friendships.

Women's Unspoken Expectations: Expressing Needs Prevents Misunderstandings

A key issue in female friendships is the unspoken expectations regarding emotional support. Many believe that another woman should inherently understand these expectations, which isn't always the case. The lack of open communication can lead to conflict and tension. Jackson urges explicitly expressing what one enjoys about getting to know someone to reduce mystery and pressure in the relationship. Bayard Jackson also advises women to communicate their disappointments, stating that sometimes expectations need to be vocalized for friends to understand their importance.

Directly Addressing Disappointments or Concerns Preserves Friendship

Bayard Jackson further notes that tension doesn't have to mean the end of a friendship; it can be an opportunity to work through issues and restore balance. Addressing concerns directly can prevent resentment and preserve relationships. Robbins agrees, suggesting that not having a conversation when ending a friendship is a sign of immaturity. Jackson proposes packaging feedback as an invitation to discuss issues, not as an accusation.

Maintaining Positive Female Friendships Through Boundaries and Managing Insecurities

Bayard Jackson and Robbins focus on maintaining positive friendships by managing dependencies and insecurities while setting healthy boundaries.

Women May Need to Resist Dependence On a Friend or See a Friend's Success as a Threat

Jackson touches on handling feelings of envy or comparison personally, and if necessary, discussing these feelings with the friend involved to maintain healthy boundaries. Robbins shares an experience about a friend who communicated a need to pull back from their group due to personal issues, illustrating the importance of sett ...

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Maintaining Female Friendships: Communication and Boundaries

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While open communication is generally beneficial, some individuals may not have the emotional capacity or skills to handle direct conversations about disappointments or concerns, which could lead to further conflict.
  • The idea that not having a conversation when ending a friendship is a sign of immaturity may not account for situations where a conversation could be harmful or unproductive, such as in cases of abuse or manipulation.
  • The emphasis on expressing needs and setting boundaries might not consider cultural differences where indirect communication is the norm and directness may be seen as confrontational or disrespectful.
  • The suggestion to handle feelings of envy or comparison personally might not acknowledge the potential benefits of seeking professional help or counseling in managing these emotions.
  • The recommendation to have multiple friends and not overburden a single friend with all one's needs may overlook the depth and value of having a "best friend" or confidante with whom one shares a significant emotional connection.
  • The advice to set boundaries on contact and personal information might not be suitable for all friendships, as some may thrive on frequent contact and deep sharing.
  • The focus on managing dependencies ...

Actionables

  • Create a "Friendship Charter" with your close friends to establish mutual expectations and boundaries. Just like a business contract, this charter would be a written agreement that outlines how you and your friends will handle conflicts, communication, and personal boundaries. For example, it might include a monthly check-in to discuss any issues or a clause about giving each other space when needed.
  • Develop a personal "Friendship Reflection Journal" where you record your feelings about your friendships. Use this journal to track moments of envy, dependency, or insecurity, and brainstorm healthy ways to address them before they affect your relationships. For instance, if you notice feelings of jealousy towards a friend's success, write down why you feel this way and how you can celebrate their achievements instead.
  • Initiat ...

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It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

Evolving Female Friendships and the Need for New Connections

Danielle Bayard Jackson and Mel Robbins explore the dynamic nature of women’s friendships, emphasizing the importance of embracing change to lead a fulfilling social life.

Friendships Change as People's Lives and Priorities Shift

Women Change Half Their Close Friends Every Seven Years

Danielle Bayard Jackson touches upon the findings that both men and women tend to replace about half of their close friends every seven years. This natural cycle of friendship dynamics suggests that as people's lives and their priorities change, so do their friendships.

Embracing Friendship Changes Eases Transitions For Women

Jackson discusses the challenges that come with the evolution of friendships, especially when differing priorities and values emerge. Life transitions such as marriage and having children can significantly disrupt female friendships. She stresses the importance of recognizing, giving grace, and open communication during these changes. Jackson notes the potential for pain when letting go of a friendship without a clear reason but encourages women to adapt by making space for new connections.

Positive Outlook on Friendship, Even in Challenges, Empowers and Fulfills Relationships

Recognizing "Hurt's Source May Be Healing's Source" Can Inspire Women to Invest In Female Friendships

Although not explicitly stated in the provided transcript, Jackson hints at the idea that confronting and addressing the sources of past hurts in friendships can be a path to healing and personal growth. She encourages listeners to look at the end of certain friendships as part of life's natural progression, which can help women deal with these changes in a positive and empowering manner.

Embracing Ne ...

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Evolving Female Friendships and the Need for New Connections

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While it's true that many women may replace close friends over time, this is not a universal experience; some individuals maintain long-term friendships throughout their lives, suggesting that the seven-year cycle is not a rule but a general pattern that may vary.
  • The impact of life transitions on friendships can be complex, and not all friendships are disrupted by events like marriage or having children; some may actually strengthen or remain stable during such transitions.
  • While open communication is generally beneficial, there are circumstances where it may not be possible or healthy to maintain open dialogue, especially if the friendship has become toxic or if one party is not receptive.
  • The idea that letting go of friendships without a clear reason is always painful may not hold true for everyone; some individuals may feel relief or indifference when certain friendships naturally fade away.
  • The concept that confronting past hurts is a path to healing may not apply to all individuals; some may find that moving on without delving into past conflicts is a more effective way for them to heal.
  • The suggestion that embracing new friendships can offset the loss of old ones may not consider the depth and unique value of long-standing relationships that cannot be easily replaced by new acquaintances.
  • Flexibility in friend ...

Actionables

  • Create a "friendship timeline" to visualize and appreciate the evolution of your relationships. Draw a timeline and mark significant life events, noting which friends were present during those times. This can help you see patterns in how your friendships have changed and can be a therapeutic way to acknowledge the natural progression of relationships.
  • Start a "new connections" journal where you jot down interesting encounters or potential friendships. Whenever you meet someone new who you feel could become a friend, make a note of it in the journal. Include what drew you to them and ideas for future interactions. This practice encourages you to be proactive about forming new friendships and keeps you open to the excitement of building your social ...

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