In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Robbins and friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson examine why adult friendships—particularly among women—can be challenging to maintain. They analyze the core differences between male and female friendship dynamics, exploring how women's tendencies toward intimate, one-on-one relationships affect their expectations and emotional responses in friendships.
The discussion covers three key elements of women's friendships: symmetry, support, and secrecy, and how disruptions to these elements can create tension. Robbins and Jackson share practical insights about managing friendship challenges, including the importance of clear communication, setting boundaries, and accepting that friendships naturally evolve over time. They explain why maintaining multiple friendships, rather than relying heavily on one person, can lead to healthier relationships.
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Mel Robbins and Danielle Bayard Jackson explore the fundamental differences between how men and women approach friendships. Women typically form intimate one-on-one relationships centered around personal topics like health and family. In contrast, men tend to gather in larger groups, focusing on shared activities and less personal subjects like sports and current events.
While deeply rewarding, women's friendships can be more conflict-prone due to their intimate nature. Robbins explains that women often view friends as siblings, while men see them more as cousins. This closeness in female friendships leads to higher expectations and emotional reactions. According to Jackson's research, the high level of reciprocity and self-disclosure in women's friendships can lead to more perceived disappointments, potentially explaining why these friendships may dissolve more quickly than men's.
Jackson identifies three key elements in women's friendships: symmetry, support, and secrecy. When these elements are disrupted, tensions can arise. Unmet emotional support needs often lead to silent withdrawal, while breaches in confidentiality can severely damage trust. Additionally, Robbins and Jackson note that societal pressures can fuel competition and jealousy among women, particularly regarding personal achievements and social status.
Both experts emphasize the importance of clear communication in maintaining healthy female friendships. Jackson advises explicitly expressing expectations rather than assuming friends should inherently understand them. She suggests addressing disappointments directly and setting boundaries around communication frequency. Robbins shares that maintaining multiple friendships, rather than depending heavily on one person, can help create healthier relationship dynamics.
Jackson notes that people typically replace about half their close friends every seven years as lives and priorities shift. Both experts encourage women to embrace these natural changes in friendships. Robbins advocates for maintaining flexibility in relationships, while Jackson emphasizes the importance of being open to forming new connections as older friendships naturally evolve or fade.
1-Page Summary
The nature of women's and men's friendships is contrastingly characterized by the levels of intimacy and the ways these relationships are structured.
Women tend to form one-to-one relationships, or "dyads," resulting in deep connections where personal matters such as mental and physical health, and family, are often discussed. Mel Robbins and Danielle Bayard Jackson explain that these dyadic interactions create an intimate atmosphere where women experience depth and platonic intimacy.
In contrast to women's dyadic friendships, men are more likely to gather in larger, more casual groups. Men engage in conversations about topics like current events and sports, which do not involve personal disclosure. This approach places less emphasis on intimacy and centers less on the self, allowing for anonymity in the group setting.
Close friendships among women are often rewarding, yet they can be conflict-prone due to the very vulnerability that makes them intimate.
Mel Robbins contrasts the experiences of friendships between women and men, suggesting that women see their friends similarly to siblings, implying a closer bond. Men, on the other hand, might view their friends more like cousins, indicating a less intimate connection. The closeness and integration of women's friendships into their lives increase the risk of friction and conflicts due to heightened expectations and emotional reactions.
Female friendships often require a high degree of emotional exchange and intimacy, leading to a reciprocal expectation to share and be known. As women become more deeply integrated into each other's lives, the stakes are higher in terms of vulnerability and accountabil ...
Dynamics of Female vs. Male Friendships
Female friendships are deeply valued for their symmetry, support, and secrecy, but Danielle Bayard Jackson, Robbins, and others note how these same aspects can fuel tensions, jealousy, and competitiveness when disrupted.
Danielle Bayard Jackson points out that women value feelings of sameness, balance, reciprocity, and egalitarianism in friendships, a concept known as "symmetry." When there is a mismatch in expectations or when friends diverge in life paths creating a sense of inequality, tension arises. Robbins adds that drama in female friendships can stem from these disruptions in balance or reciprocity, especially during significant life events when emotional support is expected but not received.
Emotional support is deemed crucial in female friendships; unspoken emotional needs can lead to misunderstandings and distance. Robbins and Jackson discuss how disappointments may arise from unmet expectations such as not showing up during tough times. This unmet need for emotional solidarity can cause women to withdraw silently, expecting friends to reach out, which may compound into silent grievances.
The expectation of sharing personal information and self-disclosure means breaches can significantly damage friendships. When tension arises, women may share less, affecting the sense of closeness. If important news is shared with someone else first, it can convey a lack of trust and closeness. Jackson explains that mutual self-disclosure is the glue of women's friendships and that breaches to these expectations can lead to conflict.
Jealousy and competitiveness often result from comparing statuses with friends. Jackson discusses how a friend’s successes can evoke envy, leading to passive-aggressive behavior if these feelings aren’t addressed. Robbins describes how f ...
Challenges in Female Friendships: Jealousy, Control, Expectations
Maintaining female friendships requires clear communication and setting boundaries, as discussed by experts Danielle Bayard Jackson and Mel Robbins.
Bayard Jackson and Robbins emphasize the necessity for open communication and expressing expectations clearly in order to maintain and strengthen female friendships.
A key issue in female friendships is the unspoken expectations regarding emotional support. Many believe that another woman should inherently understand these expectations, which isn't always the case. The lack of open communication can lead to conflict and tension. Jackson urges explicitly expressing what one enjoys about getting to know someone to reduce mystery and pressure in the relationship. Bayard Jackson also advises women to communicate their disappointments, stating that sometimes expectations need to be vocalized for friends to understand their importance.
Bayard Jackson further notes that tension doesn't have to mean the end of a friendship; it can be an opportunity to work through issues and restore balance. Addressing concerns directly can prevent resentment and preserve relationships. Robbins agrees, suggesting that not having a conversation when ending a friendship is a sign of immaturity. Jackson proposes packaging feedback as an invitation to discuss issues, not as an accusation.
Bayard Jackson and Robbins focus on maintaining positive friendships by managing dependencies and insecurities while setting healthy boundaries.
Jackson touches on handling feelings of envy or comparison personally, and if necessary, discussing these feelings with the friend involved to maintain healthy boundaries. Robbins shares an experience about a friend who communicated a need to pull back from their group due to personal issues, illustrating the importance of sett ...
Maintaining Female Friendships: Communication and Boundaries
Danielle Bayard Jackson and Mel Robbins explore the dynamic nature of women’s friendships, emphasizing the importance of embracing change to lead a fulfilling social life.
Danielle Bayard Jackson touches upon the findings that both men and women tend to replace about half of their close friends every seven years. This natural cycle of friendship dynamics suggests that as people's lives and their priorities change, so do their friendships.
Jackson discusses the challenges that come with the evolution of friendships, especially when differing priorities and values emerge. Life transitions such as marriage and having children can significantly disrupt female friendships. She stresses the importance of recognizing, giving grace, and open communication during these changes. Jackson notes the potential for pain when letting go of a friendship without a clear reason but encourages women to adapt by making space for new connections.
Although not explicitly stated in the provided transcript, Jackson hints at the idea that confronting and addressing the sources of past hurts in friendships can be a path to healing and personal growth. She encourages listeners to look at the end of certain friendships as part of life's natural progression, which can help women deal with these changes in a positive and empowering manner.
Evolving Female Friendships and the Need for New Connections
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