A Process for Finding Purpose: Do THIS to Build the Life You Want
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins explore the process of personal growth and finding purpose. They discuss how meaningful change happens gradually through phases of learning, experimenting, and struggling, drawing from their own experiences to illustrate that having a complete roadmap isn't necessary to begin transformative life changes.
The conversation examines the distinction between passion and purpose, with Shetty explaining how purpose emerges when passion is directed toward serving others. Robbins and Shetty address common feelings of being stuck, suggesting these stem from holding onto outdated self-identities rather than uncertainty about the future. They also discuss how gratitude and relationships play key roles in navigating life's challenges and finding meaning in both small and large actions.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Apr 21, 2025 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Strategies for Personal Growth and Change
In a conversation between Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins, they explore the nuances of personal growth and transformation. Shetty describes growth as a gradual process that moves through phases of learning, experimenting, performing, struggling, and finally thriving. Robbins shares her experience of studying a role model for two years, reinforcing the gradual nature of meaningful change.
Both emphasize the importance of staying open to learning and reflection. Robbins recounts how her math teacher, Mr. Core, taught her that "perseverance wins," while Shetty encourages listeners to experiment and learn from both successes and failures. Importantly, Shetty dispels the myth that one needs a complete roadmap before starting, sharing how he himself didn't have a clear vision after leaving his life as a monk.
Discovering and Aligning With Your Purpose
Shetty distinguishes between passion and purpose, explaining that while passion brings personal joy, purpose emerges when that passion serves others. He illustrates this through examples like his wife Radhi, who channels her cooking passion into food distribution programs. Robbins adds that purpose can be found in activities that naturally energize you.
Both speakers emphasize that purpose needn't be grandiose. Shetty shares how hospital cleaners find purpose in supporting patient healing through their work, while Robbins highlights how small acts, like helping a local flower farmer through illness, can create meaningful impact.
Dealing With Feelings Of Being "Stuck" or Lost
According to Shetty, feeling stuck often stems from clinging to outdated versions of ourselves rather than uncertainty about next steps. He encourages listeners to release past identities and transform perceived burdens into opportunities for growth. Drawing from his consulting experience, Shetty advocates for extracting valuable skills from any circumstance, even challenging ones.
Gratitude and Relationships in Navigating Challenges
Robbins and Shetty discuss the power of gratitude in strengthening relationships and improving outlook during difficult times. Shetty suggests reflecting on what we'd miss if certain people or things were gone, while Robbins emphasizes the importance of appreciating small acts of support. They both stress that love shouldn't be transactional, with Shetty encouraging people to focus on giving without expecting anything in return.
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Counterarguments
- Growth may not always follow the linear phases of learning, experimenting, performing, struggling, and thriving; for some, it might be cyclical or involve repeated setbacks.
- Some individuals may experience sudden, transformative change rather than gradual development.
- The concept of studying role models for personal growth may not resonate with everyone, as some people may find that their unique paths do not align with the experiences of others.
- While staying open to learning is important, there can be times when too much introspection or reflection hinders action and decision-making.
- Learning from failures is valuable, but it's also important to recognize that constant failure without reassessment of approach can be detrimental.
- The distinction between passion and purpose might be oversimplified; for some, passion and purpose are deeply intertwined and not separate concepts.
- The idea that purpose must serve others could be limiting; some may argue that personal fulfillment is a legitimate purpose in itself.
- The notion that purpose can be found in small acts may not resonate with everyone, as some individuals may feel a strong drive for larger societal impact or systemic change.
- The advice to release past identities might not acknowledge the importance of integrating past experiences into one's evolving sense of self.
- While gratitude is generally positive, it's also important to acknowledge and address negative emotions rather than potentially suppressing them with a focus on gratitude.
- The idea that love should not be transactional might overlook the complexities of human relationships where reciprocity is often a natural and healthy expectation.
- Giving without expecting anything in return is an ideal, but in practice, people may have boundaries and expectations that are important for their well-being.
Actionables
- Create a "Growth Diary" where you document daily learning experiences and reflections to track your gradual progress. By writing down what you learned, how you experimented, and the outcomes, you'll have a tangible record of your growth journey. For example, if you tried a new cooking technique, note what worked, what didn't, and how it made you feel, fostering a mindset of continuous learning and improvement.
- Develop a "Purpose Map" by listing activities that make you feel energized and fulfilled, then brainstorm ways to integrate these into your daily life to serve others. For instance, if you love painting, consider donating your artwork to community centers or teaching art to children, thus aligning your passion with purpose.
- Start a "Gratitude Chain" by sending a thank-you message to someone different each day, focusing on small acts of kindness they've done for you. This could be as simple as thanking a coworker for their help on a project or a friend for their support during a tough time. This practice not only cultivates gratitude but also strengthens your relationships.
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Strategies for Personal Growth and Change
Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins discuss the subtleties of personal growth, emphasizing gradual development, the importance of embracing learning opportunities, and the courage to take initial steps towards change without having all the answers.
Growth and Change Are Gradual
Learning: Experiment, Perform, Struggle, Thrive
Jay Shetty describes the five steps from listening to change, which underscore the incremental nature of personal growth. He outlines a process beginning with learning and culminating in thriving, insisting that significant change unfolds over time through phases like experimenting, performing, struggling, and eventually thriving. Robbins's account of studying a role model for two years to understand and replicate success further underlines the gradual process of learning.
Embrace an Attitude of Reflection and Continuous Improvement
Try New Approaches: Reflect On Successes and Failures
Robbins shares how her perseverance in tackling math problems under the guidance of her teacher Mr. Core has influenced her deeply, imparting that "perseverance wins." She opens herself to learning and experiments to make the most of available opportunities, embodying a commitment to growth. Jay Shetty extolls the virtue of reflection for personal growth and exhorts his listeners to continually experiment, learn from both successes and failures, and appreciate how far they have come.
Embrace Growth; Stay Open To Learning
Staying open to learning and being amenable to new roles and identities is crucial, say Shetty and Robbins. They discuss the significance of learning from others and applying those insights to one's own journey, which is a testament to the ongoing nature of personal growth and the necessity of continuous improvement.
Have Faith and Take the First Step, Even Without a Clear Future V ...
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Strategies for Personal Growth and Change
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Counterarguments
- While personal growth can indeed be gradual, some individuals may experience rapid transformations due to significant life events or epiphanies.
- Learning from role models is valuable, but it's also important to recognize that each person's path is unique, and blindly following another's footsteps may not always lead to personal success or fulfillment.
- Reflection is important, but excessive rumination on past successes and failures can sometimes hinder progress if it leads to overanalysis or self-doubt.
- Embracing new roles and identities can be beneficial, but it's also important to maintain a core sense of self and not lose oneself in the pursuit of constant change.
- Taking the first step is crucial, but having a ...
Actionables
- Create a personal growth journal with dedicated sections for each growth phase to track your progress and insights. Start by dividing the journal into sections labeled "Experimenting," "Performing," "Struggling," and "Thriving." Regularly jot down what you're trying in each phase, how you're performing, what challenges you're facing, and moments when you feel you're succeeding. This will help you visualize your growth journey and identify patterns or areas for improvement.
- Develop a 'Learning Circle' with friends or colleagues where each person shares a new skill or lesson they've learned every month. Rotate who leads the discussion, ensuring everyone has a chance to teach and learn. This practice encourages embracing new roles and identities, as each member gets to be both a student and a teacher, fostering an environment of continuous learning and growth.
- Initiate a 'First Step Challenge' where you commit to starting one new personal growth activity each month with ...
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Discovering and Aligning With Your Purpose
Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins explore the themes of identifying personal passions and transforming them into a sense of purpose that serves others, emphasizing that purpose can find expression even in the smallest acts.
Distinguish Between Passion and Purpose
Passion Brings Joy, Purpose Serves Others Through Passion
Jay Shetty clarifies the difference between passion and purpose, stating that while passion is what brings joy and life—such as his own for studying, learning, and synthesizing information—purpose emerges when that passion is utilized in the service of others. Likewise, Mel Robbins reflects on activities that energize her like gardening and spending time with her family, recognizing that it is these energies, when used to serve others, that align with discovering one's purpose.
Use Your Strengths to Serve Others
Reflect On Energizing Natural Activities and Skills
Jay Shetty illustrates using one's passions in everyday life, such as a retired mom who plans trips for her loved ones, as an example of employing personal enthusiasm to serve. Robbins, too, suggests paying attention to what energizes you, like her own jealousy—not for material possessions but for someone who had created a business that merged learning, connection, and purpose.
Apply Your Strengths to Help and Uplift Others
Shetty advises asking people close to you to identify your strengths, to understand better how you can be of service. His wife Radhi, for example, uses her passion for cooking to deliver meals and get involved in food distribution programs. By applying strengths to help others, Shetty posits, one aligns their life with purpose and uses their observations to build real connections and become a better person.
Purpose Need Not Be Grand or Sweeping
Finding Purpose: Use Passions to Bring Joy and Care To Life
Shetty articulates that purpose doesn't have to reach a grand scale; it can fulfill even when separated from a job or dream. By following even the smallest signs or wh ...
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Counterarguments
- Passion and purpose may not always align neatly; some passions might be purely personal and not easily translatable into serving others.
- The idea that purpose must serve others can be limiting; some individuals may find purpose in self-improvement or exploration that doesn't directly serve others.
- The emphasis on service to others might overlook the importance of self-care and setting boundaries to prevent burnout.
- The concept of using strengths to serve others assumes that individuals have the freedom and resources to apply their strengths in this way, which may not be the case for everyone.
- The notion that small acts of love can equal world-changing endeavors might be overly optimistic and not acknowledge the complexity of systemic issues that require more than individual acts of kindness to resolve.
- The idea that purpose can be found in everyday life may not resonate with individuals who feel trapped in unfulfilling routines or jobs that do not allow for the expression of passion or purpose.
- The advice to ask others to identify your strengths might not be helpful for everyone, as it assumes a supportive ...
Actionables
- Start a "joy journal" to track daily activities that bring happiness and note how they could potentially benefit others. By keeping a daily record of moments and activities that make you feel alive, you can identify patterns and opportunities where your passions could intersect with the needs of others. For example, if you find joy in cooking, consider sharing recipes or meals with those in need.
- Create a "purpose map" by listing your skills and interests, then drawing connections to various community needs. This visual tool can help you see where your natural abilities could address specific issues or improve someone's life. For instance, if you're good at organizing, you might volunteer to help a local charity streamline their donation process.
- Initiate a "kindness challenge" where you per ...
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Dealing With Feelings Of Being "Stuck" or Lost
Jay Shetty provides advice on how to navigate through feelings of being stuck or lost by addressing ways to move past outdated identities, embracing change as opportunity, and valuing supportive relationships.
Acknowledge and Grieve Versions of Yourself You've Outgrown
Shetty suggests that people often feel stuck because they are grieving past versions of themselves. You may long for the way things were, becoming trapped by this nostalgia and blocking your own progress.
Feeling "Stuck" Stems From Clinging To Outdated Identities
Being stuck, according to Shetti, isn't about uncertainty of the next steps; it's about the desire to maintain past identities, ideas, or attitudes. He notes that clinging onto these outdated aspects prevents you from being present and thinking about the future. You become anchored in the past, which keeps you from moving forward.
Embrace the Future, Release the Past
Shetty challenges listeners to reflect on what they are holding onto that keeps them stuck. He points out that by letting go of the past, you can gain momentum to propel yourself forward. He advocates for letting go of previous roles, habits, and mindsets that hold you back, to create space for a new, multifaceted identity that doesn't depend on others' approval.
Change Burden To Opportunity
Shetty emphasizes transforming burdens into opportunities by extracting valuable skills from any circumstance and adopting a mindset of curiosity over resistance.
Extract Valuable Skills and Lessons From Your Circumstances
Drawing from his own experience of working as a consultant, Shetty shares how every job can offer valuable skills that could be useful in the future. He encourages turning any disliked job into a stepping stone by learning all possible skills from it.
Embrace Curiosity and Experimentation Over Resistance
He suggests changing how you perceive your situation to transform it in your favor. He prompts listeners to think of life as a school, hospital, mo ...
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Counterarguments
- Acknowledging and grieving past selves may not be necessary for everyone; some individuals may benefit more from a forward-focused mindset without dwelling on the past.
- Clinging to outdated identities might sometimes provide comfort or a sense of continuity that can be beneficial during times of uncertainty or transition.
- Embracing the future and releasing the past can be challenging for those who have experienced trauma or loss, and they may require more time or professional support to do so.
- Viewing burdens as opportunities can be overly optimistic or dismissive of the real challenges and emotional toll they can impose.
- Not all circumstances provide valuable skills or lessons, and it can be unrealistic or unfair to expect individuals to find positive takeaways in every negative situation.
- Curiosity and experimentation may not always be feasible, especially in high-stakes or high-pressure situations where the cost of failure is significant.
- The advice to find support from those who show up may overlook the complexity of r ...
Actionables
- Create a visual timeline of your personal growth to physically see the evolution of your identity. Start by drawing a line on a large sheet of paper or a whiteboard, marking significant life events and the versions of yourself at those points. Reflect on how each version contributed to who you are today, and ceremonially cross out the ones you've outgrown to symbolize letting go.
- Develop a "Skill Harvest" journal where you document skills and lessons learned from past experiences. Dedicate a few minutes each day to write down skills you've gained from various roles and situations in your life. This practice turns reflection into a proactive exercise in recognizing your adaptive skill set and prepares you for future opportunities.
- ...
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Gratitude and Relationships in Navigating Challenges
Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty delve into the importance of gratitude in overcoming life's obstacles. They discuss the ways gratitude can fortify relationships and improve one's outlook, even in trying times.
Cultivate Gratitude, Even In Hardship
Robbins and Shetty emphasize the significance of being grateful for the present, despite the difficulties one may face.
Reflect On What You Would Miss if Things or People Were Gone
Shetty advises individuals to consider how different life would be without certain people or things. He explains that humans often realize the value of something when it's at risk of being lost, and recommends leveraging this tendency to enhance appreciation for those elements. Robbins and Shetty reflect on their friend Dave Hollis, noting that it's often only after losing someone that you realize the depth of gratitude you had for them.
Appreciate Those Who Support You, Even In Small Ways
Robbins discusses the power of small acts, like checking in on someone, as a form of demonstrating gratitude. She encourages reflecting on what one has to be grateful for, as others may see value in even our most challenging moments. Robbins and Shetty agree that practicing gratitude while people are alive is vital and that it should emanate from a place of appreciation rather than from fear of loss.
Love and Support May Come Unexpectedly
Robbins and Shetty discuss the unpredictable nature of love and support and how one should embrace it wholeheartedly.
Don't Hold Others To Rigid Expectations
Shetty points out that no one will love you exactly how you want, and he encourages openness to the many ways others might show their love. These could include small tasks, making coffee, checking in while you're traveling, and more. Shetty also speaks about not blocking love because of perceptions and emphasizes that love should flow freely.
Openly Receive Authentic Love and Care From Others
Shetty encourages individuals to actively accept the love and support offered by others, advocating for recognizing and being grateful for one's own abilities and the support received from others, even when it seems trivial. This act of receiving from others is part of acknowledging the support provided by those who know you closely.
Nurture Relationships By Showing Up, Expecting Nothing In Return
Robbins and Shetty ...
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Gratitude and Relationships in Navigating Challenges
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Counterarguments
- While gratitude is important, it's also necessary to acknowledge and address negative emotions; suppressing them in favor of gratitude can be unhealthy.
- Reflecting on what would be missed if things or people were gone can sometimes lead to anxiety or fear of loss, rather than gratitude.
- Small acts of kindness are valuable, but they should not replace more substantial forms of support when those are needed.
- Emphasizing gratitude for the present might inadvertently minimize the valid struggles and desires for change that people have in difficult situations.
- The idea that no one will love you exactly how you want might be overly pessimistic and could discourage people from communicating their needs in relationships.
- Actively accepting love and support is important, but it's also necessary to set boundaries and ensure that the support is healthy and respectful.
- The concept of selfless giving is noble, but it's also important to recognize the ...
Actionables
- Create a "gratitude jar" where you write down something you're grateful for each day and place it inside. This tangible practice helps you focus on the positives in your life and serves as a physical reminder of the good things and people around you. For example, you might write, "I'm grateful for my friend's encouraging text today," and revisit these notes when you need a boost.
- Start a routine of sending one unexpected message of appreciation or support weekly. This could be a text, a handwritten note, or even a small gift. The act of reaching out not only strengthens your relationships but also reinforces your role as a positive presence in the lives of others. For instance, sending a message that says, "I appreciate your sense of humor—it always brightens my day," can make a significant impact.
- Volunteer for a cause that reson ...
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