If You’re Feeling Behind in Life, Listen to This
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel Robbins challenges outdated societal notions of a "social clock" that creates unnecessary pressure around life milestones like marriage and retirement by certain ages. Robbins encourages embracing different decades for distinct purposes: the 20s as a time for exploration without set career expectations, the 30s as an opportunity to rethink traditional goals like homeownership, and the 40s as prime for reinvention, dispelling the myth that career changes are inadvisable at that stage.
The episode also discusses how the 50s and beyond can be vibrant decades for pursuing new interests and staying engaged in one's community, countering the assumption that retirement means slowing down. Robbins invites listeners to let go of societal pressures and timelines, instead embracing each phase of life for its unique potential.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Apr 14, 2025 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
The Outdated "Social Clock" and Pressures
Mel Robbins discusses the outdated concept of the "social clock" - societal pressures about when major life events should occur by certain ages, like marriage by 30 and retirement by 65. Despite society's evolution, these decades-old timelines create unnecessary stress.
Embracing Your 20s as Exploration
Robbins advises embracing one's 20s as a decade to explore various interests without pressure to have a career path figured out. She encourages gaining digital skills as many future jobs involve technology.
30s: Rethinking Milestones Like Homeownership
Robbins disputes expectations to "settle down" in one's 30s given today's housing realities. With average homebuyer ages rising, she recommends exploring alternatives like renting or real estate investing.
40s: A Prime Time for Reinvention
Robbins views the 40s as an opportunity to leverage life experiences and reinvent oneself. She rejects notions that it's too late for career changes at this stage.
50s and Beyond: Staying Engaged
Robbins promotes the 50s and beyond as vibrant decades for new pursuits and community involvement, not just slowing down for retirement. She emphasizes maintaining social connections and reigniting passions.
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Counterarguments
- While embracing exploration in the 20s can be beneficial, some individuals may find value in establishing a stable career path early on, which can provide financial security and professional growth opportunities.
- Gaining digital skills is important, but not all future jobs will be technology-based, and emphasizing a broad skill set including interpersonal and critical thinking skills can also be crucial.
- While homeownership may not be attainable for everyone in their 30s, for some, it can be a wise financial investment and provide a sense of stability and community.
- Reinvention in the 40s can be challenging due to various life responsibilities such as family and financial commitments, which may make significant career changes more difficult.
- While staying engaged and pursuing new interests in the 50s and beyond is positive, some individuals may face health or financial constraints that limit their ability to engage in new pursuits.
Actionables
- You can create a personal timeline that reflects your unique goals and values, rather than adhering to societal expectations. Start by jotting down what you want to achieve and by when, based on your own aspirations, not age. For example, if you're passionate about travel, set a goal to visit a new country every two years, regardless of your age.
- Develop a "skill of the month" habit to continuously acquire new digital skills in your 20s. Choose one digital skill, such as coding basics, graphic design, or social media marketing, and dedicate a month to learning it through online tutorials, free courses, or practice projects. This can be as simple as setting aside 30 minutes a day to learn through apps like Duolingo for languages or Codecademy for coding.
- Form a reinvention club with peers in your 40s to support each other's career changes and personal growth. Meet monthly to share resources, experiences, and encouragement. This could involve peer-to-peer mentoring, sharing online courses, or discussing books that inspire change. It's a way to build a support network that fosters reinvention without feeling isolated in the process.
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"Social Clock" and Pressure to Achieve Milestones
Mel Robbins, Dr. Waldinger, and Bernice Neugarten explore the concept of the "social clock," the pressure it creates, and its outdated nature.
"The Social Clock" Defines Norms For Timing Major Life Events
Robbins discusses an invisible checklist of milestones that society expects people to complete by a certain age. This concept, known as the "social clock," first identified by Bernice Neugarten, refers to societal and personal pressures about when certain life events should happen. These societal timelines, like graduating by 22, marrying by 30, having kids by 35, having a midlife crisis at 50, and retiring by 65 are considered measures of success. Robbins points out that we still live with many of the same social clocks from 50 years ago, with retirement age standards set as far back as 1935 with the Social Security Act.
Decades-Old Norms Still Imposed Today
Despite the evolution of society and longer life expectancies, the social clock still imposes milestones such as leaving a childhood home, entering a committed relationship, having children, buying a house, and retiring at specific ages. Robbins criticizes these "stupid social clock" expectations from the 1950s for pressuring individuals to follow an outdated checklist. She argues against notions like an "exact age" to go to nursing school or "time limits" for changing careers or improving financially. These pressures lead to major life decisions being made for approval rather than happiness and can cause stress, especially for individuals in their 20s and 30s.
Pressure From Societal and Familial Timelines For Life Milestones
Pressure From Comparing Personal Timelines To Outdated Norms and Others’ Perceived Timelines
Robbins talks about the stress of feeling "off time" when personal milestones, such as engagement, childbearing, or homeownership, do not align with societal expectations. She notes the pressure people feel if they are not "on time," like starting college at an age older than 18 or retiring later than 65. Moreover, these societal norms dictate that by not meeting certain milestones ...
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"Social Clock" and Pressure to Achieve Milestones
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Clarifications
- The "social clock" is a societal timeline that dictates when individuals should achieve certain life milestones like graduating, marrying, having children, and retiring. It creates pressure by setting expectations based on age for significant life events, leading to feelings of falling behind if one doesn't meet these norms. The concept was first identified by sociologist Bernice Neugarten and is criticized for being outdated and not accounting for the changing realities of modern life. The social clock influences individuals through societal norms, family expectations, media influences, and comparisons with others' perceived timelines.
- Bernice Neugarten was a pioneering sociologist known for her work on aging and life transitions. She introduced the concept of the "social clock," which describes societal expectations and pressures around the timing of major life events. Neugarten's research highlighted how individuals are influenced by external norms regarding when milestones like marriage, career advancement, and retirement should occur. Her work emphasized the impact of these societal timelines on individuals' sense of achievement and fulfillment.
- The concept of the "social clock" sets expectations for milestones like graduating by 22, marrying by 30, having kids by 35, experiencing a midlife crisis at 50, and retiring by 65. These age-related societal norms are considered measures of success and have been ingrained in society for decades. The pressure to adhere to these specific timelines can lead individuals to make life decisions based on societal approval rather than personal happiness. The social clock can create stress, especially for those in their 20s and 30s, who may feel pressured to meet these traditional milestones.
- The criticism of societal norms from the 1950s focuses on outdated expectations and pressures related to milestones like education, marriage, career, and retirement. These norms, established decades ago, are seen as restrictive and unrealistic in today's diverse and evolving society. The critique emphasizes the negative impact of these rigid standards on individual well-being and decision-making processes. The call is for a shift towards more flexible and personalized approaches to life choices, rather than adhering strictly to outdated societal timelines.
- Feeling "off time" in relation to personal milestones means experiencing stress or anxiety when your own life events, like getting engaged or buying a house, do not align with what society expects you to achieve at a certain age. It's about feeling like you are not meeting the traditional timelines set by society for significant life events, which can lead to a sense of falling behind or not measuring up to societal standards. This pressure can come from comparing your progress to others or feeling like you are not keeping pace with what is considered normal or expected for your age group. It highlights the tension between personal goals and societal norms, where individuals may feel inadequate or anxious if they deviate from the established timelines for major life milestones.
- Perceptions of falling behind are influenced by societal norms that dictate specific timelines for life milestones. When individuals do not meet these expected milestones by certain ages, they may feel inadequate or unsuccessful. Society's rigid expectations can lead to feelings of pressure and judgment if one deviates from the prescribed path. Comparing personal progress to societal norms can create a sense of being "off time" or lagging behind in life.
- Pressure from various sources like upbringing, friends, news, social media, or movies can influence individuals' perceptions of what they should achieve at certain points in their lives. These influences can shape expectations about milestones such as education, relationships, career, and retirement. Upbringing can instill values and beliefs about timing life events, while frien ...
Counterarguments
- The social clock may provide a sense of structure and guidance for individuals who prefer having societal benchmarks to measure their progress.
- Some societal milestones are based on biological realities, such as the average age range for safely bearing children, which might influence the social clock's expectations around childbearing.
- The concept of a social clock can foster a sense of community and shared experience, which can be comforting and provide a common language for discussing life stages.
- Adhering to certain societal milestones can have practical benefits, such as financial stability from buying a home or the social and health benefits of retiring at a traditional age.
- The pressure to achieve certain milestones by specific ages can motivate individuals to set and achieve personal goals, which can lead to personal growth and satisfaction.
- The social clock may not be as rigid as suggested; there is increasing societal acceptance of diverse life paths and recognition of non-traditional timelines as valid.
- Some individuals may find happiness and fulfillment by aligning with societal milestones, and the social clock may not be a source of s ...
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Changing Expectations and Norms Across Decades
Mel Robbins provides insights into how the expectations and norms for each decade of life have shifted due to various economic, social, and technological changes.
20s Modern Experiences: Job Market, Living Costs, Tech Shifts
Embrace Your 20s: A Decade of Exploration and Possibility
Robbins highlights that being in your 20s today involves more stress and pressure than it did five years ago, with numerous changes in the job market, living costs, and technology. She stresses that the 20s should not be a decade where one expects to have everything figured out, indicating that feeling lost is normal and part of exploring life’s possibilities, especially in one's career. Robbins encourages embracing the 20s as a decade of exploration and double down on learning AI, tech, and digital skills because being digitally native is advantageous given that many upcoming jobs involve technology.
Robbins suggests that one shouldn't adhere to the checklist of having a career figured out in the 20s. The 20s are a time with less obligation, ideal for exploring, moving, and trying new things. She acknowledges the difficulties of networking in a hybrid environment and the unpredictable nature of work, in stark contrast to the predictability and stability experienced by the previous generation.
Pressure to "Settle Down" In 30s Often Misaligned With Today's Reality
Robbins disputes the outdated checklist from past generations where one is expected to "settle down" in their 30s. She notes that real estate prices have made purchasing a home challenging and often unattainable — an expectation misaligned with current realities. Robbins points out the major shift in the age of property acquisition, with the average home buyer now being 56 years old, compared to 35 years old in 1991. She likens the American dream of homeownership to an "American nightmare", given the immense rise in real estate prices. For example, the Boston housing market rose 73% in just three years.
Robbins advises against adding unnecessary pressure, suggesting that understanding the exorbitant housing prices is ess ...
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Changing Expectations and Norms Across Decades
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Counterarguments
- While embracing exploration in your 20s is beneficial, some may argue that it's also important to start building a stable foundation for the future, such as saving for retirement or investing in a career path.
- The emphasis on learning AI, tech, and digital skills might overlook the value and necessity of non-tech-related skills and industries.
- The idea that the 20s are a time with less obligation may not hold true for everyone, as some individuals may have significant responsibilities, such as supporting a family or paying off student loans.
- The notion that the pressure to "settle down" in your 30s is outdated may not resonate with those who find personal fulfillment in achieving traditional milestones like marriage or homeownership during this decade.
- Suggesting that the average homebuyer is now 56 years old could be misleading without context, as this may not reflect the situation in all regions or account for first-time homebuyers who are younger.
- The rise in real estate prices is a complex issue, and while renting or investing may be viable options for some, they may not be feasible ...
Actionables
- You can create a "20s Bucket List" with goals that focus on exploration rather than achievement, such as learning a new language through a language exchange partner or trying out different career fields with short-term internships or freelance gigs. This approach allows you to embrace the exploratory nature of your 20s without the pressure of having to reach specific milestones.
- Start a "Housing Flexibility Fund" by setting aside a small percentage of your income each month, which can be used for opportunities in the housing market, whether that's towards renting in a new city or investing in real estate crowdfunding platforms. This fund supports a flexible approach to the changing real estate landscape and can help you adapt to market conditions without feeling pressured to buy a home.
- Organize monthl ...
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Strategies For Navigating Feeling "Behind" In Your 20s To 60s+
Robbins delves into the pressures of age-related milestones and offers guidance for navigating feelings of being "behind" at various stages of life, from the 20s to 60s and beyond.
In Your 20s, Explore Various Interests and Careers Without Pressure to Have Everything Figured Out
Feeling "Lost" In the 20s Today Is Normal
Robbins advocates for a mindset shift where individuals in their 20s view this decade as a time for exploration without the pressure of having careers and life figured out. Noting the transitional nature of this period, she encourages the dismissal of the idea that frequent job changes are harmful. Instead, Robbins assures listeners that it's normal to feel lost amidst transformative changes, such as transitioning to hybrid work and new industries emerging from AI advancement. Robbins also dismisses the notion that it's too late to pursue a new career, bringing hope and reassurance to those who feel regretful over past degree choices.
In Your 30s, Prioritize Values and Desires Over Outdated Timelines For Marriage and Homeownership
Robbins encourages those in their 30s to focus on what truly matters to them, over adhering to societal pressures regarding milestones such as marriage and homeownership. She empowers listeners to embrace the reality of today's real estate market and to explore alternative paths to ownership, whether that be saving for a longer term, looking into auctions, or considering investment in rental property.
40s: Prime Time For Reinvention, Using Experiences and Lessons to Chart a New Course
Prioritize Passions and Purpose Over Societal Success Expectations
Entering the 40s, Robbins emphasizes the opportunity to use accumulated life experiences to reinvent oneself. She asserts that the narrative that it's too late to achieve success is harmful and reminds listeners that it's never late to turn things around. Encouraging individuals to leverage their network and the urgency felt at this age, Robbins provides examples of late bloomers to illustrate that age should not be considered a barrier to success or change.
50s and Beyond: Growth, Relationships, and Possibilities
Reignite Passion and Stay Connected, Not Slow Down, In Retirement
Refuting the concept of a mid-life crisis, Robbins presents the 50s and beyond as a vibrant time for reinvention. She shares personal narratives, such as l ...
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Strategies For Navigating Feeling "Behind" In Your 20s To 60s+
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Counterarguments
- Frequent job changes in your 20s might sometimes hinder deep expertise or long-term career progression.
- Some individuals may naturally have a clear vision for their career early on and benefit from a more focused approach in their 20s.
- Societal pressures and timelines for milestones like marriage and homeownership can sometimes stem from cultural values that are important to certain individuals or communities.
- The real estate market's challenges might not be surmountable for everyone in their 30s, even with alternative paths, due to systemic economic issues.
- Reinvention in one's 40s can be complicated by responsibilities such as family care or financial obligations, which might limit the ability to prioritize passions.
- The urgency felt in one's 40s to change careers or life paths can also lead to rash decisions that might not be well thought out.
- While staying connected and active in one's 50s and beyond is beneficial, some individuals may prefer a quieter, more introspective retirement.
- The comparison of the 60s to the 20s in terms of facing unique realities and challenges may not resonate w ...
Actionables
- Create a "20s Exploration Journal" where you document different jobs, hobbies, and skills you want to try each month, reflecting on what you've learned and how it aligns with your interests, without the pressure of making a long-term commitment.
- Keeping a journal like this encourages you to actively seek out and engage in a variety of experiences. For example, one month you could take a coding workshop, the next you might volunteer at an animal shelter, and the following month you could try your hand at blogging about your experiences.
- Design a "Values Map" in your 30s that lists your core values and desired life milestones, then create flexible timelines for each goal that can adapt to life's changes, such as starting a family or buying a home.
- This map acts as a visual guide for decision-making. For instance, if 'community' is a high value, you might prioritize living in a vibrant neighborhood over purchasing a large home, leading you to explore co-housing or other communal living arrangements.
- Start a "Passion Project Hour" in your 40s and beyond, dedicating one hour each w ...
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