Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, sex therapist Vanessa Marin explores the complexities of intimacy, desire, and pleasure. She introduces the concepts of spontaneous and responsive sex drives, shedding light on common misunderstandings that can lead to dissatisfaction between partners.
Marin and Robbins underscore the importance of emotional connection, open communication, and prioritizing mutual pleasure. They provide practical strategies for overcoming shame, trauma, and societal narratives that often hinder fulfilling intimacy. The conversation aims to empower listeners to cultivate a supportive environment and challenge traditional norms around female pleasure and sexuality.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 20, 2025 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Sex Drive Differences and Desire Discrepancies
Vanessa Marin introduces the concepts of spontaneous and responsive sex drives. Spontaneous desire is mental and can appear without physical stimulation. In contrast, responsive desire relies on physical arousal first, which Marin notes is common for most women. She explains that misunderstandings around these differing drives can leave partners feeling unsatisfied or desiring more initiation.
Improving Non-sexual Intimacy and Communication
Marin and Mel Robbins emphasize cultivating emotional and physical closeness through daily rituals like expressing gratitude, hugging, eye contact, and non-sexual intimacy. They stress prioritizing emotional connection and playfulness over just physical acts. Robbins advocates separating non-sexual intimacy from expectations of intercourse.
Overcoming Shame, Vulnerability, and Mental/Emotional Barriers
Marin acknowledges widespread discomfort in discussing sex, which can perpetuate fears and uncertainties. Even sex therapists feel awkward about these conversations at times. She addresses unresolved traumas or negative past experiences, emphasizing the need for open communication with partners to create a supportive environment. Marin provides guidance for abuse survivors on feeling in control during intimacy.
Strategies For Planning, Prioritizing, and Maximizing Pleasure
Robbins and Marin suggest aligning intimate moments with high energy levels, planning "pre-date night sex", and focusing on mutual pleasure rather than just pursuing orgasm. Marin highlights the importance of clitoral stimulation for female pleasure, which is often lacking in typical penetration-focused encounters.
Challenging Societal Narratives and Reframing Female Pleasure
Marin debunks the myth that spontaneous desire is standard, explaining that most women experience responsive desire requiring physical stimulation first. She advocates for equal emphasis on female pleasure, noting that intercourse alone often provides inadequate clitoral stimulation for many women to fully enjoy the experience.
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Counterarguments
- While Vanessa Marin notes that most women experience responsive desire, it's important to recognize that sexual desire can vary greatly among individuals, and some women may indeed experience spontaneous desire frequently.
- The emphasis on non-sexual intimacy and separating it from expectations of intercourse might not align with the preferences or desires of all couples, who may see their sexual intimacy as inherently intertwined with their non-sexual intimacy.
- The suggestion to plan intimate moments around high energy levels may not be feasible for all couples due to varying work schedules, lifestyle demands, or other responsibilities that can affect energy and availability.
- The focus on clitoral stimulation as crucial for female pleasure, while important, may inadvertently overshadow the diversity of sexual preferences among women, some of whom may prefer other forms of stimulation or find pleasure in different ways.
- The idea of prioritizing emotional connection and playfulness over physical acts could be seen as prescriptive and may not resonate with couples who find that physical acts are a primary way they establish and maintain their emotional connection.
- The assertion that discomfort in discussing sex is widespread might not account for cultural, generational, or individual differences in comfort levels with sexual communication.
- The strategies suggested for maximizing pleasure, such as "pre-date night sex," might not be suitable for everyone and could lead to a sense of obligation or performance, which could detract from the spontaneity and enjoyment of sexual encounters.
- The challenge to societal narratives about female pleasure and the reframing of female pleasure as equally important is a positive step, but it's also important to consider that societal narratives about male pleasure and experiences are also evolving and can benefit from similar scrutiny and reframing.
Actionables
- You can create a "desire diary" to track and understand your own and your partner's patterns of sexual desire. Note down moments when you feel spontaneous or responsive desire, and what might have triggered it. This can help you both recognize and anticipate each other's needs, leading to a more fulfilling sexual relationship.
- Develop a "pleasure map" for you and your partner, where each of you outlines what physical touches and interactions you enjoy most. This can be a fun and exploratory activity that emphasizes non-sexual intimacy and helps both partners understand how to provide pleasure beyond intercourse.
- Start a weekly "intimacy check-in" with your partner where you discuss your emotional and physical connection without the pressure of it leading to sex. Use this time to openly communicate about any discomforts, desires, or experiences that affect your intimacy, fostering a deeper understanding and connection.
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Sex Drive Differences and Desire Discrepancies in Relationships
In a candid discussion about the complexities of desire in relationships, Vanessa Marin and Mel Robbins explore the concepts of spontaneous and responsive sex drives, addressing the challenges couples may face when these sex drive types differ.
Understanding Spontaneous vs. Responsive Sex Drives
Marin introduces two distinct types of sex drives—spontaneous and responsive. She explains that spontaneous sex drive is mental-like and can appear sudden, often leading to physical arousal. This is the portrayal of desire commonly depicted in media, which can mislead people into thinking it's the only normal expression of sex drive.
Spontaneous Desire Is Mental; Responsive Desire Is Physical First
In contrast, Marin sheds light on responsive sex drive, which is physical arousal that precedes mental desire. Important research shows that most women experience responsive sex drive. Unfortunately, individuals with a responsive sex drive may believe they have low or nonexistent desire, because they are not actively thinking about sex unless physically stimulated.
Addressing Differing Sex Drive Types in Relationships
The hosts reveal the silent struggle within relationships where mismatched sex drives are present. Both Marin and Robbins share the internal conflict of couples in which each person awaits the other's initiation of sex, especially when both tend to have a responsive sex drive.
Couples With Mismatched Sex Drives Feel Stuck
Robbins voices her desire for her partner, Chris, to embrace more spontaneity in initiating sex. Seldom thinking about sex without prompt, individuals with responsive sex drives might adhere to the notion that they should engage in sexual activities even if they are not mentally intrigued by the idea.
Te ...
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Counterarguments
- While the text suggests that most women experience responsive sex drive, it's important to recognize that sex drive is highly individual and can vary greatly among women, as well as among men.
- The dichotomy between spontaneous and responsive sex drives might be oversimplified, as sexual desire can be influenced by a complex interplay of psychological, relational, and contextual factors.
- The idea that spontaneous sex drive is primarily mental and responsive sex drive is physical first may not capture the full spectrum of sexual experiences, as individuals can experience both mental and physical aspects of desire in varying degrees and at different times.
- The concept of planning intimacy might not resonate with everyone, as some individuals or couples may find that scheduling sex detracts from its spontaneity and excitement.
- The emphasis on the need for initiation in sexual encounters could be challenged by the perspective that intimacy can also be fostered through non-sexual forms of connection and com ...
Actionables
- Create a shared intimacy journal where both partners can express their desires and preferences in a non-confrontational way. This can help couples understand each other's sex drives better and find a middle ground without the pressure of immediate conversation. For example, one partner might write about what triggers their responsive sex drive, while the other can note moments when their spontaneous drive is at its peak, allowing both to seek common patterns and opportunities for intimacy.
- Develop a signal system for initiating intimacy that respects both spontaneous and responsive drives. You can use colored cards or objects around the house; for instance, a green item could signal openness to spontaneous intimacy, while a yellow one could indicate a need for a slower, more responsive approach. This non-verbal communication can reduce the anxiety around initiation and rejection.
- Schedule regular 'intimacy check-ins' ...
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Improving Non-sexual Intimacy and Communication for Better Sex
Vanessa Marin emphasizes the importance of daily practices that cultivate emotional and physical closeness for couples seeking a stronger connection.
Cultivating Emotional and Physical Closeness Through Daily Rituals
Marin and Robbins discuss how simple daily rituals can build intimacy and a sense of teamwork within relationships.
Gratitude, Prolonged Hugging/Kissing, Eye Contact
Vanessa Marin suggests expressing gratitude and engaging in physical contact, such as a six-second kiss or a 20 to 30-second hug, to release [restricted term] and foster trust between partners. She also stresses the importance of eye contact for couples to feel seen and connected to each other emotionally.
Mel Robbins talks about reestablishing rituals like cooking dinner together, which can help couples feel more connected and provide a transition from work life to personal life. Together, Vanessa and her husband engage in a nightly ritual of making out, just for the sake of kissing, to recreate the sweetness of their relationship's early days.
Prioritizing Emotional Connection and Playfulness Over Physical Acts
The emphasis is on creating a quality emotional connection and fostering communication, rather than focusing solely on sexual activity.
Prioritizing Intimacy Quality Over Sexual Quantity
Marin addresses the need for emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. She also acknowledges the importance of talking about sex and asking questions related to sex with your partner, highlighting the importance of emotional connections and communication as part of intima ...
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Improving Non-sexual Intimacy and Communication for Better Sex
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Counterarguments
- While daily rituals can be beneficial, they may not suit every couple's lifestyle or preferences; some individuals or couples might find structured rituals constraining or stressful.
- The effectiveness of physical contact like prolonged hugging/kissing in releasing [restricted term] and fostering trust may vary among individuals, and some people may not respond to touch in the same way due to personal or cultural differences.
- Eye contact can be powerful, but it's important to recognize that for some people, especially those with certain neurodivergent conditions like autism, prolonged eye contact can be uncomfortable or distressing.
- The idea of prioritizing emotional connection over physical acts assumes that these aspects are separate and hierarchical, whereas some couples might experience them as deeply intertwined and equally important.
- The concept of prioritizing intimacy quality over sexual quantity may not resonate with everyone, as some individuals or couples may find that a higher frequency of sexual activity is important for their satisfaction and connection.
- The suggestion that intimacy should not always lead to sexual intercourse might not align with the desires or experiences of all couples, who may see sexual intimacy as a natural progression of their affection.
- The notion of separating non-sexual intimacy from physical acts could be seen as an artificial distinction for some couples who view all forms of intimacy as part of a holistic connection.
- Th ...
Actionables
- You can create a "connection jar" with slips of paper detailing non-sexual, intimate activities to choose from each day. This could include things like taking a walk while holding hands, sharing a dance in the living room, or reading a book aloud to each other. The randomness adds an element of surprise and excitement, encouraging both partners to engage in nurturing the emotional bond without the pressure of it leading to sex.
- Start a weekly "appreciation hour" where you and your partner dedicate time to express what you appreciate about each other, discussing moments from the week that made you feel loved or supported. This practice not only fosters gratitude but also opens up communication about emotional needs and desires, reinforcing the emotional connection.
- Introduce a "playful ...
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Overcoming Shame, Vulnerability, and Mental/Emotional Barriers Around Sex
Marin and Robbins broach the complexities involved in coping with sexual discomfort and the psychological roadblocks many face in the realm of intimacy.
Acknowledging and Working Through Discomfort About Discussing Sex
Marin recognizes the widespread discomfort in discussing sexual matters, which can lead to avoidance of the topic, thereby perpetuating fear and uncertainty in relationships. She observes the "bristle response," wherein individuals tense up from touch due to associating it with the expectation of sex. To overcome this, Marin suggests increasing non-sexual physical touch to sever the association between touch and sexual expectations.
Both Marin and Mel Robbins candidly share their own discomfort in initiating discussions on sex, emphasizing that shame about sex is a learned behavior, and applauding efforts to have these awkward conversations.
Recognizing That Even Many Sex Therapists Feel Awkward or Squeamish
Marin, a seasoned sex therapist, and Robbins both admit to experiencing squirminess when tackling sexual topics, highlighting that it’s not uncommon even for professionals. Marin appreciates Robbins for pushing through the discomfort, as it offers encouragement to those who find such dialogues challenging.
Marin also confronts the sex-negative messages perpetuated in society, which can cause women to feel shame when articulating their sexual desires. The podcast serves as a potential catalyst for couples to engage in conversations about sex by acknowledging the ubiquitous discomfort.
Addressing Unresolved Traumas or Negative Past Sexual Experiences
Marin notes the unfortunate prevalence of sexual traumas and underscores the necessity of acknowledging feelings of unsafety during sex that are tied to past experiences. She suggests individuals confront their fears and communicate their needs.
Mel Robbins reveals her path to healing from past trauma through the acknowledgment and discussion of the issue with her partner, elucidating the positive effect of her husband’s supportive inquiries.
Open Partner Communicati ...
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Overcoming Shame, Vulnerability, and Mental/Emotional Barriers Around Sex
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Actionables
- You can integrate a daily habit of non-romantic touch with friends or family, like hugs or pats on the back, to normalize physical contact without sexual connotations. This practice can help rewire your brain to understand that touch is not exclusively a precursor to sexual activity, making you more comfortable with physicality in a broader sense.
- Start a personal journal where you explore your feelings about sex and intimacy, noting any moments of discomfort or shame. By writing down your experiences, you can identify patterns and triggers, which can then be addressed more systematically. For example, if you notice you feel shame after certain types of conversations or during specific situations, you can then plan to approach these scenarios differently in the future.
- Create a 'pleasure roadmap' with your partner, where each of you out ...
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Strategies For Planning, Prioritizing, and Maximizing Sexual Pleasure
Experts including Mel Robbins and Vanessa Marin delve into the intricacies of balancing busy lives with the desire for a fulfilling sex life, sharing strategies for planning and prioritizing sexual pleasure.
Scheduling Intimacy to Align With Energy Levels
Robbins and Marin shed light on the common challenge of wanting more sex but often feeling too exhausted to engage in it, highlighting the importance of aligning intimacy with energy levels. Marin recounts a time when, overwhelmed with tasks, she chose to prioritize intimacy over a to-do list, which reinforced the importance of their connection with her partner, Zander. Robbins discusses the dilemma of scheduling intimate moments due to mismatched energy levels and timing, suggesting that couples should plan sex when both partners are alert and receptive. She mentions feeling mentally fatigued and struggling to make mental space for sex, endorsing the idea of scheduling intimate interactions for moments of relaxation and receptivity.
Marin emphasizes not leaving sex for the end of the night when tiredness is likely. Early in relationships, couples tend to schedule sex by planning dates but view it differently later in the relationship. Marin suggests reframing the idea of scheduling sex as "planning for sex" or "intentional intimacy," seeing it as a positive step towards maintaining a vibrant sexual relationship and carving out specific times for each other amid life's busyness.
Pre-date Night Sex Boosts Excitement and Connection
Shifting the focus to the anticipation leading up to sex, Marin outlines the benefits of having sex before a date night due to higher energy levels, which can add excitement and a feeling of sharing a sexy secret during the date. Robbins acknowledges this approach, excitedly planning to implement the strategy with her partner to boost intimacy. It's evident that planning intimate moments, such as pre-date night sex, can heighten excitement and deepen connection within the relationship.
Shifting Focus to Mutual Pleasure, Not Just Orgasm
Marin introduces the concept of choosing between ...
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Counterarguments
- Scheduling sex might not work for everyone, as some individuals or couples may find that it reduces spontaneity and excitement.
- Aligning intimacy with energy levels can be challenging for couples with different work schedules or life demands, and may not always be feasible.
- Prioritizing intimacy over tasks could lead to neglecting important responsibilities, which might create stress or tension in the relationship.
- The concept of "planning for sex" or "intentional intimacy" might feel too mechanical or forced for some, potentially leading to a lack of genuine desire or enjoyment.
- Pre-date night sex, while potentially exciting, may not be practical for all couples due to time constraints or personal preferences.
- Focusing on mutual pleasure rather than orgasm can be beneficial, but it's also important to recognize that for some individuals, achieving orgas ...
Actionables
- You can create an "intimacy calendar" with your partner to schedule moments of relaxation and receptivity for sexual encounters. Start by identifying times in the week when you both typically feel relaxed and undistracted, such as a lazy Sunday morning or after a light workout. Mark these times on a shared digital calendar and agree to dedicate them to exploring intimacy without the pressure of achieving orgasm. This approach helps ensure that both partners are in sync and can look forward to these moments.
- Develop a "pleasure menu" that you and your partner can use to communicate your preferences for clitoral stimulation and other pleasurable acts. This can be a simple list or a creative chart where each of you adds activities that you find pleasurable, focusing on the journey rather than the destination. Before intimate moments, review the menu together and choose what to explore, ensuring that the experience is mutually sa ...
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Challenging Societal Narratives and Reframing Female Pleasure
Vanessa Marin addresses societal misconceptions surrounding sex and female pleasure, stressing the importance of understanding the nuances of sexual desire and the need for equal emphasis on female gratification.
Debunking Myths About Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
Most Women Experience Responsive Desire, Needing Physical Stimulation First
Vanessa Marin clarifies a common misunderstanding about sexual desire. While many believe spontaneous desire—the immediate and seemingly out-of-nowhere urge to have sex—is the standard, Marin points out that about 85% of women have a responsive sex drive. This means they require physical stimulation before feeling mentally desirous of sex. She addresses the importance of partners understanding that people have different states of readiness for sex and encourages asking 'are you open to being intimate?' to better accommodate for responsive desire.
Advocating For Equal Emphasis on Female Pleasure
Marin argues that sex education and practices, especially in heterosexual contexts, place an inappropriate focus on male pleasure. This standard approach too often concludes with male orgasm, frequently overlooking the necessary stimulation for female enjoyment. Marin insists that female orgasm is not inherently more complex than male orgasm, but that typ ...
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Challenging Societal Narratives and Reframing Female Pleasure
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Actionables
- You can create a personalized intimacy menu to share with your partner, detailing activities that cater to responsive desire and emphasizing the importance of non-penetrative acts. Start by listing various forms of physical touch and intimacy that you find pleasurable or are curious about, such as massages, cuddling, or specific types of stimulation. Share this menu with your partner to encourage exploration and communication about what stimulates your desire, ensuring that both partners' needs are considered.
- Develop a habit of conducting regular 'pleasure check-ins' with your partner to foster a deeper understanding of each other's sexual preferences and readiness. Set aside time, perhaps weekly or monthly, to discuss what has been working well in your intimate life and what could be improved. Use this opportunity to express your needs and to learn about your partner's, creating a safe space for both of you to explore and adapt to each other's states of readiness and desire.
- Introduce a 'sensation exploration' practice into your intimate rou ...
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1-Page Summary- Sex Drive Differences and Desire Discrepancies in Relationships
- Improving Non-sexual Intimacy and Communication for Better Sex
- Overcoming Shame, Vulnerability, and Mental/Emotional Barriers Around Sex
- Strategies For Planning, Prioritizing, and Maximizing Sexual Pleasure
- Challenging Societal Narratives and Reframing Female Pleasure
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