Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels Impossible & What to Do About It
In this episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast, Robbins examines the unique challenges of forming and maintaining friendships as an adult. She explains how the dynamics that facilitated childhood bonds—proximity, shared experiences, and group activities—are disrupted once people scatter into different life stages and schedules after school.
Robbins emphasizes that building adult friendships requires proactivity, flexibility, and intentional effort. She highlights three key pillars: proximity, timing, and the elusive "click" or energy between people. To navigate these pillars, she offers strategies like joining new interest groups, managing expectations about the ebb and flow of adult friendships, and taking initiative to create bonding opportunities.
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1-Page Summary
The Challenges Of Making Friends As an Adult
Childhood Friendships Forged By Proximity, Shared Experiences
In childhood, Robbins notes, friendships thrived due to shared schedules, activities, and group dynamics that naturally facilitated constant peer interaction and contact.
"Great Scattering" Disrupts Old Friendship Dynamics
Post-school, the "great scattering" occurs where friends disperse, altering the proximity and group dynamics that previously supported easy friendships. Robbins points out how challenging it becomes to maintain old bonds as people relocate and transition to new life stages.
Proactivity and Flexibility Key to Adult Friendship
Unlike childhood's group-centric approach, adult friendship requires intentional effort to initiate and nurture connections, Robbins advises. She encourages embracing the natural ebb and flow of relationships with empathy, rather than taking it personally when they change.
Key Pillars: Proximity, Timing, Energy
Proximity Most Important for Building Friendships
Robbins cites research underscoring proximity and interaction as pivotal for friendship formation. Adult life demands, however, often impede maintaining the needed closeness.
Timing: Life Stages Affect Interests and Availability
People's current life stages significantly influence their interests and availability for friendship. As stages shift, maintaining existing bonds or forming new ones becomes complicated.
Energy: The "Click" Between People
The energy dynamic—that indescribable "click"—either facilitates or hinders a friendship's formation and maintenance, according to Robbins. Forcing an inauthentic connection leads to strain.
Flexible, Proactive Strategies For Adult Friendships
Initiate and Make Effort
Don't passively wait for friendships to happen, Robbins stresses. Take the lead in making plans, initiating conversations, and creating opportunities to connect.
Join New Activities to Find Like-Minded People
Engaging in new hobbies or interest groups increases the likelihood of encountering potential friends with aligned timing and energy.
Embrace Patience and Manage Expectations
Building lasting adult friendships takes significant time and effort, Robbins reminds. Adopt a flexible mindset by accepting relationships may ebb and flow without permanence or perfect reciprocity.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While proximity is important, online friendships can also be meaningful and are not limited by location.
- Some adults may maintain or even strengthen old friendships despite the "great scattering," challenging the idea that physical dispersion necessarily disrupts dynamics.
- Proactivity in friendships might not always be key; some individuals may find that friendships form naturally without forced effort.
- Life stages might not always complicate friendships; for some, shared life changes can actually deepen bonds.
- The "click" between people might not be as essential as suggested; some friendships grow over time through mutual respect and shared experiences rather than an immediate connection.
- Joining new activities may not always lead to friendships due to various factors like personal compatibility or the nature of the activity.
- Patience and managing expectations are important, but some individuals may find that setting clear intentions and boundaries is equally crucial for healthy adult friendships.
Actionables
- Create a "friendship incubator" group where you meet regularly with acquaintances to explore common interests. By setting up a recurring event, such as a monthly book club, game night, or cooking group, you encourage the development of friendships through consistent interaction. This mirrors the shared schedules of childhood friendships and can lead to stronger bonds as adults.
- Develop a "friendship map" to visualize and plan your social interactions. This can be a simple calendar or a more elaborate visual tool where you track when you last connected with friends and identify opportunities for future interactions. This helps maintain and grow adult friendships by ensuring you're proactive about staying in touch, especially with those who aren't in close proximity.
- Launch a "flex-friend" initiative in your existing social circles, where you and your friends commit to trying out new activities together. This could involve each person suggesting a new activity to try monthly, fostering a spirit of adventure and openness. It's a way to embrace the flexibility needed in adult friendships while discovering shared interests that can strengthen your connections.
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The Challenges Of Making Friends As an Adult
The formation of friendships in adulthood poses unique challenges due to changes in dynamics, proximity, and the nature of friendship itself, as Mel Robbins discusses in her exploration of the “great scattering.”
Childhood Friendships Thrived On Proximity, Shared Experiences, Group Dynamics
In Childhood, We Shared Schedules and Activities With Peers, Fostering Friendships
As children, friendships were effortlessly forged because of the structures and conditions that facilitated group interactions. Children were naturally placed in groups, sharing schedules and activities that naturally fostered friendships.
Conditions For Making Friends Were Effortless in Childhood
Robbins describes how, in childhood, living in the same area and having similar timelines with shared milestones easily bred friendships due to the constant contact and group dynamics in school environments.
"Great Scattering" Disrupts Easy Friendships In Early Adulthood
After School, People Scatter, Altering Proximity and Dynamics of Childhood Friendships
Robbins introduces the concept of the great scattering, occurring after school when friends disperse in various directions, altering the conditions for maintaining friendships that were present in younger years. Whether it’s the transition from middle school to high school or post-college, this scattering challenges the proximity and dynamics that supported easy friendships.
Holding Onto Old Friendships Becomes Challenging as People Drift
This transition makes maintaining old friendships difficult, as friends relocate and shift to new life stages. Robbins points out that millennials, for instance, may find their lively college text chains growing quieter as everyone becomes absorbed in their individual lives.
Flexibility and Proactivity Key to Adult Friendships
Friendship: From "Group Sport" to Intentional Individual Effort
Adult friendship requires proactive effort, as opposed to the group-centric approach of childhood. Robbins explains that understanding this shift is essential for redefining one’s approach to friendships. She advises adults to be intentional in reaching out and maintaining connections.
Let F ...
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The Challenges Of Making Friends As an Adult
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Clarifications
- The "great scattering" is a term used to describe the phenomenon where friends from childhood or earlier stages of life disperse and move in different directions as they enter adulthood. This dispersal disrupts the close proximity and shared experiences that once facilitated friendships, making it challenging to maintain those connections. It signifies a significant shift in dynamics as individuals transition from structured environments like school to more independent phases of life, impacting the ease of nurturing and sustaining friendships. The concept highlights the natural evolution of relationships as people grow older and face new life stages, requiring proactive efforts to adapt and maintain meaningful connections.
- The "LetThem" philosophy emphasizes allowing friends the freedom to navigate their lives and friendships naturally without feeling pressured. On the other hand, the "LetMe" mentality involves taking proactive steps to nurture and maintain friendships, ensuring one's own efforts contribute to the relationship's growth and sustainability. Balancing these two approaches involves understanding when to give space for friends to evolve independently and when to actively engage in strengthening the bond through personal initiatives. This dual mindset encourages a healthy dynamic where both individual and collective efforts play a role in fostering meaningful connections.
- To nurture adult friendships, it's essential to be proactive and intentional in reaching out and maintaining connections. Embrace the natural ebb and flow of relationships without taking changes personally. Employ a balance of "LetThem" philosophy (allowing friends to scatter and reunite) and "LetMe" mentality (taking pro ...
Counterarguments
- While childhood friendships may be facilitated by shared schedules and activities, they can also be superficial and based on convenience rather than deep compatibility.
- Proximity and group dynamics do not guarantee meaningful friendships; some children may still struggle to make friends due to social anxiety, bullying, or other factors.
- The "great scattering" can also be seen as an opportunity for growth and meeting diverse individuals, rather than just a disruption.
- Transition periods can test the strength of friendships, but they can also strengthen bonds as friends support each other through change.
- Flexibility and proactivity are important, but so is recognizing when it's healthy to let go of certain friendships that no longer serve the individuals involved.
- Intentional individual effort in adult friendships can sometimes lead to one-sided relationships if not reciprocated.
- Embracing the natural cycles of friendships might not address the underlying issues that cause friendships to fade, such as unresolved conflicts or differences in values.
- The "LetThem" philosophy could potentially lead to neglecting friendships if not balanced with enough "LetMe" actions.
- Keeping the energy alive between friend ...
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Key Pillars of Adult Friendship: Proximity, Timing, Energy
Understanding the key pillars of adult friendship is essential as these relationships play a significant role in personal happiness and well-being.
Proximity Is the Most Important Factor in Friendship
Research: Closeness and Interaction Key to Building Friendships
Robbins indicates that proximity is the single biggest factor in friendship. Grounded in research, such as a study at MIT, physical closeness and interaction are highlighted as key to building friendships. The University of Kansas found it takes 50 hours to consider someone a casual friend, 90 hours for a friend, and about 200 hours to become close friends.
Work and Adult Life's Demands Hinder Maintaining Needed Friendship Proximity
As people enter adult life stages, the demands of work and life transitions, like moving or changing jobs, impact the time available to spend with peers, subsequently affecting friendships. Robbins cites a study revealing that people are likely to become very good friends with those who are geographically close to them, emphasizing the importance of being physically near to maintain relationships. She also discusses the necessity of giving it a year to find the right combination of proximity, timing, and energy when forming new friendships.
Timing Refers To the Circumstances of Potential Friends
Life Stages Affect Interests and Availability For Friendship
Life stages significantly impact interests and availability for friendship. Robbins recalls a time when friendship came easily because her kids' ages aligned with those of her peers' children, putting her in proximity and the right life timing for forming friendships. She warns that life transitions can complicate scheduling time with friends due to changes in one's life which subsequently affect friendships.
Life Stage Shifts Impact Friendship Timing
The timing of various life stages, such as raising young children or going through a divorce, influences when and how friendships can form or evolve. Adult lives and their various demands often make maintaining friendships challenging, and as people's life stages differ—some might be in their 50s while others are in their 20s—it affects the possibility of forming friendships due to contrasting interests and availability.
Energy Is the "Click" Between People
Unaligned Energy Hinders Friendships
Robbins states that the energy between ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Key Pillars of Adult Friendship: Proximity, Timing, Energy
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Clarifications
- When forming new friendships, giving it a year to find the right combination of proximity, timing, and energy means allowing time for these elements to naturally align and develop. It suggests being patient and open to the organic process of building a meaningful connection with someone. This approach acknowledges that friendships require time to grow and evolve, and that the dynamics of proximity, timing, and energy may need time to sync up for a strong bond to form. By giving it a year, individuals can observe how these factors play out and adjust their expectations accordingly.
- In the context of friendships, the "rubber band" analogy suggests that relationships have a natural elasticity, much like a rubber band. When two people's energies or connection levels are mismatched, trying to force a friendship beyond its n ...
Counterarguments
- Proximity may not be the most important factor due to the rise of digital communication platforms that allow for maintaining deep friendships over long distances.
- The impact of work and adult life demands on friendship proximity can be mitigated by prioritizing relationships and leveraging technology to stay connected.
- While life stages do impact interests and availability, they can also provide opportunities to meet new people and expand one's social circle through different life experiences.
- Differing life stages can enrich friendships by providing diverse perspectives and experiences, rather than just hindering them due to contrasting interests and availability.
- Energy and the "click" between people might not be as black and white; friendships can grow over time as individuals get to know each other better, even if the in ...
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Flexible, Proactive Strategies For Building Adult Friendships
Building adult friendships necessitates a flexible, proactive approach. Robbins emphasizes the significance of initiating connections and redefining our perception of friendships.
Initiate and Make Effort
Take the Lead In Creating Opportunities For Connection
Robbins underscores that adults should not expect friendships to form by themselves and that taking the lead is crucial. Robbins suggests being understanding, checking in without expectations, and being proactive in making plans. She encourages stepping out of one’s house, being open, and making an effort to reach out to new people. Robbins articulates the need to be the initiator, reminding listeners that "you gotta go first," whether it's creating connections, checking in, or making plans. She also sets a personal goal to throw more parties, demonstrating her commitment to being proactive in socializing.
Find New Activities or Hobbies to Join
Joining an Interest-Based Group or Club Increases Likelihood Of Finding People With Similar Timing and Energy
Robbins recommends engaging in new activities, such as joining a CrossFit gym, yoga studio, painting class, golf league, or race team. By participating in community activities or attending events alone and interacting with others, you create shared experiences that can foster friendships. Robbins sees shared experiences as an excellent avenue for building proximity in friendships.
Embrace a Flexible, Patient Mindset
Cultivating Lasting Adult Friendships Takes Time
Robbins speaks about the need for patience and a flexible mindset when cultivating adult friendships. She explains that friendships are like elastic bands that stretch and sometimes change, and they require time to grow. Robbins cites research from the University of Kansas regarding the hours needed to form friendships, reinforcing the notion that effort and time are essential for building relationships.
Accept That Friendships Change; Release Expectations of Permanence or Reciprocity
Robbins advises listeners to accept the ...
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Flexible, Proactive Strategies For Building Adult Friendships
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Counterarguments
- While initiating connections is important, it's also true that some friendships form spontaneously without deliberate effort.
- Being proactive can sometimes lead to overextending oneself or appearing too eager, which may be off-putting to potential friends who prefer more organic interactions.
- Interest-based groups are a good way to meet people, but they might not always lead to deep or lasting friendships, as shared interests do not automatically equate to compatible personalities or values.
- Engaging in new activities is beneficial, but it can also be time-consuming and financially burdensome, which might not be feasible for everyone.
- Patience and flexibility are valuable, but there should also be a balance with setting healthy boundaries and recognizing when a friendship is not mutually beneficial.
- The metaphor of friendships as elastic bands might oversimplify the complexity of human relationships and the various factors that contribute to their development and maintenance.
- Accepting the impermanence of friendships is wise, but it's also important to acknowledge ...
Actionables
- Create a "friendship incubator" notebook where you jot down interests, activities you want to try, and potential friendship goals. This personal resource helps you track your progress in reaching out and creating shared experiences. For example, if you're interested in photography, note down local photography classes or online forums you can join, and set a goal to connect with at least one person from these platforms each month.
- Develop a "compliment diary" where you record genuine compliments you can give to people you meet in your daily life. This practice encourages you to notice and appreciate the positive traits in others, fostering a habit of kindness without expecting anything in return. When you meet someone new, refer to your diary for inspiration on how to make them feel valued and seen.
- Start a monthly "flexible meetup" initiative where you invite acquaintances from d ...
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