How to Stop Caring What People Think of You
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Chrissy Teigen and experts examine the psychological roots of people-pleasing behavior and the need for external validation. They explain how seeking approval often stems from childhood experiences, and how basing one's self-worth on others' opinions can lead to anxiety and self-doubt.
Robbins introduces the "Let Them Theory" as a mindset for separating self-worth from uncontrollable external opinions. By embracing this approach, which focuses on controlling one's own thoughts and actions rather than worrying about how others perceive them, listeners learn to reclaim personal power and express themselves freely without fear. The episode also explores how adopting this mindset can empower parents to model self-worth from within and prevent passing down people-pleasing tendencies to their children.
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1-Page Summary
Psychology of People-Pleasing and Need for External Validation
Chrissy Teigen and experts discuss the psychological roots of people-pleasing behavior and external validation dependence, underscoring their impacts on well-being.
Seeking Approval Is Rooted in Childhood Experiences, Mel Robbins explains. Children associate love with success, developing a pursuit for validation. As Teigen shares, her need for approval stemmed from wanting adoration, especially from less affectionate parents.
Basing Self-Worth on Others' Opinions Leads to Anxiety
When we base worth on others' views, it breeds distress, Teigen confesses. Despite confidence, disappointing others greatly affects her self-perception. As Paul Conti states, childhood criticism imprints lasting inadequacy.
Robbins adds that making self-worth dependent on perceptions exhausts us emotionally. Trying to control others' views also gives them power over our lives, causing stress and unworthiness.
"Let Them Theory" to Ignore Opinions
Robbins introduces the "Let Them Theory" which separates self-worth from uncontrollable external opinions, while focusing on controllable personal thoughts and actions.
"Let Them Theory": Let Others' Thoughts Be Without Impacting Self-Worth
The mindset acknowledges we can't control others' views. "Letting them" think negatively without affecting self-worth regains personal power, Robbins states.
Focus on Controlling Your Own Thoughts and Actions
Admitting fear of judgment is key, Robbins suggests. Accepting potential negativity without letting it guide us allows focusing on intentions and actions that make us proud.
"Let Me" Defines Worth by Intention, Not Validation
"Let me" reminds us of the three things we control: thoughts, actions, feelings. This lets us live proudly based on our intentions, not external approval, Robbins explains. Since others' thoughts can't be controlled, defining worth internally sets us free.
Applying "Let Them Theory"
Robbins discusses applying the theory in everyday life to escape the fear of judgment and reclaim personal power.
On Social Media, Express Freely Without Fear of Opinions
The theory can liberate self-expression without fear of backlash or unfollows, Robbins says. Posting freely reclaims control from others' potential opinions.
At Work, With Family, and In Relationships: Release Need to Control Others
Applying the theory eliminates people-pleasing, Robbins tells Teigen. Instead of trying to control others' thoughts, focus on your own intentions and conduct. Let go of others' emotions to embrace authenticity.
Ending People-Pleasing to Prevent Passing It To Children
Teigen fears passing down her people-pleasing tendencies and seeks to break the cycle for her family.
Teigen Fears People-Pleasing Will Affect Her Children
Teigen recognizes her struggles with external validation could influence her kids. She aims to end this pattern so her children's self-worth isn't dictated by others' perceptions.
"Let Them Theory" Empowers Modeling Self-Worth and Boundaries
Robbins states confronting people-pleasing tendencies allows parents to exemplify self-worth from within. By embracing "Let Them Theory," parents can prevent passing down people-pleasing behaviors.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The "Let Them Theory" is a mindset that separates one's self-worth from the opinions of others. It emphasizes focusing on controlling your own thoughts and actions rather than trying to manage how others perceive you. By accepting that you cannot control others' views and letting go of the need for external validation, you reclaim personal power and live authentically. This approach helps in overcoming the fear of judgment, promoting self-expression, and breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies.
- Seeking approval and basing self-worth on others often stems from childhood experiences where love and validation were linked to success. Children who grow up associating love with achievement may develop a strong desire for external validation to feel worthy and loved. This early conditioning can lead to a pattern of seeking approval from others to validate their self-worth throughout their lives. Childhood criticism and lack of affection from parents can imprint feelings of inadequacy, driving individuals to seek external validation to fill the emotional void.
- Basing self-worth on others' opinions can lead to anxiety and distress as individuals constantly seek validation from external sources. This reliance on external validation can result in a lack of confidence and a feeling of unworthiness, as one's sense of self becomes contingent on others' approval. It can also give others power over one's emotions and decisions, causing stress and a sense of being controlled by external perceptions. Embracing self-worth based on internal validation and personal values can help individuals break free from this cycle of seeking validation from others.
- To release the need to control others, one strategy is to focus on your own intentions and actions rather than trying to manage how others perceive you. By letting go of the desire to control others' thoughts and emotions, you can embrace authenticity and personal empowerment. This approach involves accepting that you cannot dictate how others think or feel, and instead, concentrating on living in alignment with your values and beliefs. By practicing this mindset, you can free yourself from the burden of seeking external validation and approval from others.
- External validation, which is seeking approval and worth from others, can lead to anxiety when individuals heavily rely on external opinions to define their self-worth. When someone's sense of value is tied to how others perceive them, any disapproval or criticism can trigger feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. This constant need for validation can create a cycle of seeking reassurance and approval, leading to heightened anxiety levels as individuals fear judgment and rejection based on external feedback. By breaking this cycle and focusing on internal validation and self-worth, individuals can reduce their dependence on external validation and alleviate associated anxiety.
Counterarguments
- While seeking approval may be rooted in childhood experiences, not all individuals who seek approval have had negative childhood experiences or a lack of affection from parents.
- Some individuals may find that basing self-worth on others' opinions can be motivating and lead to personal growth, rather than just anxiety and distress.
- Childhood criticism can sometimes be constructive and lead to resilience and self-improvement, rather than an imprint of lasting inadequacy.
- Emotional exhaustion from making self-worth dependent on perceptions is not universal; some people may thrive on external feedback and use it to their advantage.
- Trying to control others' views can be seen as a form of social influence or leadership, rather than just giving them power over our lives.
- The "Let Them Theory" might not be suitable for everyone, as some individuals may find value in considering external opinions to inform their self-improvement.
- The mindset that we can't control others' views might be overly simplistic, as there are ways to influence public opinion and social norms.
- Defining worth by intention alone may not always be practical, as outcomes and the impact of actions on others also matter.
- Applying the theory in everyday life might not always be feasible, as social and professional environments often require a degree of responsiveness to others' opinions.
- Releasing the need to control others does not always eliminate people-pleasing tendencies, as these behaviors can be deeply ingrained and multifaceted.
- Embracing authenticity might not always lead to positive outcomes, especially in environments where conformity is valued or necessary.
- The fear of passing down people-pleasing tendencies to children assumes that these traits are solely negative and overlooks the potential adaptive aspects of being attuned to others' needs.
- The "Let Them Theory" might not be the only or best way to model self-worth and boundaries for children, as different parenting styles and approaches can be effective.
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Psychology of People-Pleasing and Need for External Validation
Chrissy Teigen and experts like Mel Robbins discuss the psychological reasons for people-pleasing and the importance of external validation, underscoring how these behaviors and needs impact individuals' well-being.
Fear Of Being Misunderstood and Need For Approval Affects Everyone, Even Chrissy Teigen
The concern about being misunderstood, coupled with a deep need for approval, is widespread, affecting public figures like Chrissy Teigen as well.
Rooted In Childhood Experiences Of Gaining Approval
The foundation for people-pleasing behavior can often be traced to childhood, as Robbins explains. Children learn to associate positive attention and love with success and achievements. This early conditioning develops into a lifelong pursuit for validation. The need for approval, as Teigen shares, stems from her childhood desire for love and adoration, especially from less affectionate parents. This need compelled her to want to be "really good for everybody."
Basing Self-Worth on Others' Opinions Leads To Anxiety and Self-Criticism
When individuals base their worth on the opinions of others, it can lead to distressing levels of anxiety and self-critique.
Believing Others' Positive Views Make Us Feel Secure and Worthy
Teigen discusses her internal conflict of being perceived as someone who doesn't care about others' opinions, even though she deeply does. Despite her external confidence, she confesses to punishing herself for disappointing others and not feeling adequate, which greatly affects her self-relationship. She admits that being misunderstood is her biggest battle, with the wish that people could recognize her positive qualities, an admission she finds difficult to make.
Furthermore, Teigen's interactions with adults during her early years shaped her to become a people pleaser, beginning with seeking to charm with smiles and language, and evolving into a belief that her entire being needed to be pleasing to others.
Paul Conti describes that as children are not fully capable of abstract thought, they tend to take negative feedback as a personal defect. These experiences then solidify into lasting feelings of inadequacy.
Mel ...
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Psychology of People-Pleasing and Need for External Validation
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While the need for approval is common, not everyone is affected by it to the same degree; some individuals may prioritize internal validation over external approval.
- People-pleasing behaviors can also be influenced by personality traits, cultural factors, and social conditioning beyond childhood experiences.
- Some individuals may find that basing self-worth on personal values and achievements, rather than others' opinions, leads to greater resilience and less anxiety.
- It's possible to feel secure and worthy without relying heavily on others' positive views, through practices like self-compassion and mindfulness.
- The impact of seeking validation in adulthood can vary; some adults may outgrow the need for external validation or learn to manage it effectively.
- Negative feedback in childhood does not always lead to lasting feelings of inadequacy; some individuals may develop coping mechanisms or resilience that mitigate these effects.
- Self-worth can be stable even when considering others' viewpoints if one has a strong sense of self and clear personal boundaries.
- While trying to control other ...
Actionables
- You can create a "self-worth jar" where you write down one thing you appreciate about yourself each day. This practice encourages you to focus on your intrinsic value rather than seeking external validation. For example, you might write, "I'm a thoughtful friend," or "I'm good at solving problems," and drop these notes into the jar. Whenever you're feeling the need for external approval, read a few notes to remind yourself of your inherent worth.
- Start a "feedback reflection" routine where you spend a few minutes analyzing the constructive criticism you receive. Instead of immediately reacting or feeling inadequate, ask yourself what you can learn from the feedback and how it can contribute to your growth. For instance, if a colleague suggests you could improve your presentation skills, consider it an opportunity to develop rather than a personal attack.
- Engage in a "compliment exchange" with a friend or family member where yo ...
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"Let Them Theory" to Ignore Opinions
Mel Robbins introduces the "Let Them Theory," which encourages separating one's self-worth from the opinions of others, acknowledging that people's thoughts and actions are beyond our control, and focusing instead on our own thoughts and actions.
"Let Them Theory": Separating Self-Worth From Others' Thoughts Beyond Our Control
Mel Robbins explains that the Let Them Theory is a mindset tool for recognizing what individuals can't control—specifically, other people's opinions and actions. This mindset helps individuals to stop trying to control or worry about others' views, which in turn gives back personal power. When practicing the "let them" part of the theory, one allows others to have negative thoughts or be disappointed without it affecting their self-worth.
Focus On Controlling Your Own Thoughts and Actions
Acknowledging fear is crucial in implementing the "Let Them Theory," as fear is frequently the root of concerns about others’ perceptions. Robbins suggests that by allowing the possibility of others thinking negatively and not letting those thoughts impact oneself, personal power is regained. Robbins states that the only real control individuals have is over their own thoughts and actions, and by focusing on these, one can show up in a way that makes them proud, thus remaining in control of their life.
Robbins shares an example with Chrissy Teigen, advising her to let others think whatever they may, implying that it's impossible to consistently manage external perceptions. Instead, Robbins stresses the importance of letting emotions rise and fall naturally without being guided by what others expect.
"Let Me" Defines Our Worth By Intention, Not External Validation
Further promoting the Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins encourages people to say "let me" to remind themselves of the three things they can control: their thoughts, their actions, and how they process their feelings. This approach aligns actions with the type of person one wants to be and affirms self-worth based on intention rather than external validation.
Robbins suggests that by using "let me," individua ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
"Let Them Theory" to Ignore Opinions
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The "Let Them Theory" is a mindset tool introduced by Mel Robbins. It focuses on separating one's self-worth from the opinions and actions of others, emphasizing that individuals cannot control how others think or behave. By practicing this theory, individuals can reclaim personal power by concentrating on managing their own thoughts and actions, rather than being overly concerned with external judgments. This approach encourages individuals to define their self-worth based on their intentions and actions, rather than seeking validation from others.
- When separating self-worth from others' opinions, it means not letting external judgments define your value as a person. It involves recognizing that you cannot control how others perceive you and focusing instead on your own beliefs and actions. By understanding that your worth comes from within and is not dependent on external validation, you empower yourself to prioritize your own thoughts and behaviors over the opinions of others. This mindset shift allows you to maintain a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence regardless of what others may think or say about you.
- Fear as the root of concerns about others' perceptions means that the worry about how others see us often stems from a fear of judgment, rejection, or not meeting expectations. This fear can lead to anxiety and self-doubt, as individuals may feel pressured to conform to external standards or seek validation from others. Understanding this connection helps in recognizing and addressing the underlying emotions that drive concerns about how others perceive us. By acknowledging and managing this fear, individuals can focus on building self-confidence and defining their self-worth indepen ...
Counterarguments
- While separating self-worth from others' opinions is beneficial, it is not always practical or possible, as humans are inherently social beings influenced by social feedback.
- The theory may oversimplify complex emotional responses and undervalue the importance of social support and validation in personal development.
- Focusing solely on one's own thoughts and actions might lead to self-centeredness or a lack of empathy towards others.
- The idea of not letting emotions be influenced by external factors can be unrealistic, as emotions are often a response to the environment and interactions with others.
- The "let me" mantra, while empowering, may not always be sufficient for individuals facing mental health challenges that affect their ability to control thoughts and feelings.
- The concept of dual truths might not address the potential negative consequences of being misunderstood, such as damaged relationships or reputational harm.
- Enc ...
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Applying "Let Them Theory" In Everyday Situations
Mel Robbins discusses the transformative power of the "Let Them Theory" in everyday contexts, emphasizing the freedom it offers from the fear of others' opinions and the reclamation of personal power.
"Let Them Theory" Transforms Our Use of Social Media, Frees Us From Fear
Expressing Freely Reclaims Our Power
Robbins implies that the "Let Them Theory" can liberate us from the fear of judgment on social media. She contends that social media should be a platform for self-expression and not be hindered by worrying about others' opinions. By posting content they truly enjoy, regardless of potential backlash or unfollows, individuals can reclaim their power. Robbins stresses that by not allowing the potential opinions of others to dictate the content of social media posts, individuals regain control over their self-expression.
Applying Theory to Work, Family, and Relationships Allows Authenticity Without People-Pleasing
Release the Need to Control Others; Focus On Our Thoughts and Conduct
In the discussion with Chrissy Teigen, Robbins advises that applying the "Let Them Theory" can transform the way we present ourselves in various life arenas—online, at work, within family dynamics, and in other relationships. Instead of trying to control others' thoughts and focusing on people-pleasing behavior, Robbins suggests prioritizing one's own thoughts and actions. Saying "let them" reminds individuals to let go of the stress or ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Applying "Let Them Theory" In Everyday Situations
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The "Let Them Theory" encourages individuals to let go of the need to control others' opinions or actions and focus on their own thoughts and behaviors. It emphasizes prioritizing self-expression over seeking validation from others, promoting authenticity in various life areas like social media, work, family, and relationships. By adopting this theory, individuals can reclaim personal power by detaching from the fear of judgment and living authentically according to their own values and beliefs. The theory suggests shifting focus from managing others' perceptions to focusing on one's own thoughts, actions, and feelings, leading to greater self-empowerment and freedom from external validation.
- The "Let Them Theory" can be applied in various life arenas by shifting focus from controlling others' thoughts to prioritizing one's own thoughts and actions. It encourages individuals to let go of stress about others ...
Counterarguments
- While the "Let Them Theory" promotes authenticity, it may not account for the complexity of social media as a tool for personal branding, where strategic self-presentation can be important for professional opportunities.
- The theory assumes that all feedback is negative or based on judgment, which overlooks the potential value of constructive criticism that can lead to personal or professional growth.
- The emphasis on not worrying about others' opinions could potentially lead to a lack of accountability, especially in situations where one's actions or words could be harmful or offensive to others.
- In professional settings, considering the opinions of colleagues and superiors can be important for teamwork and career advancement, so a balance between authenticity and adaptability is often necessary.
- The idea of not managing or fixing other adults' emotions might be too simplistic, as emotional intelligence and empathy in relationships often require some level of engagement with others' feelings.
- The theory could be misinterpreted as a license for selfishness or disregard for ...
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Ending People-Pleasing to Prevent Passing It To Children
Chrissy Teigen expresses serious concerns about passing on her people-pleasing tendencies to her children and seeks ways to break this potentially harmful cycle.
Chrissy Teigen Fears Passing People-Pleasing to Her Kids
Breaking the Cycle for Her Family's Sake
Chrissy Teigen is candid about her struggles with people-pleasing and the fears of those traits being inherited by her children. She acknowledges that being too hard on herself and an inclination toward seeking external validation could potentially influence her kids. To counter this, Teigen actively seeks to break this cycle for the benefit of her family's future. She discusses her concerns openly, such as in her podcast, to take measures against perpetuating this behavior.
Teigen does not want her children to feel as though they must perform for everyone or be overly polite to avoid negative perceptions, especially considering their celebrity status. She understands the importance of demonstrating to her children that their opinion of themselves is more essential than others' opinions of them. This realization is a key step in ensuring her children grow up with a stronger sense of self-worth and the ability to set their own boundaries.
"Let Them Theory" Empowers Parents to Model Self-Worth and Boundaries
Teaching Children Self-Worth Prevents People-Pleasing Patterns
Mel Robbins introduces the "Let Them Theory" during her discussion with Teigen, explaining how this approach can empower parents to exemplify self-worth and establish boundaries, which can be instrumental in preventing the development of people-pleasing behaviors in children.
Robbins underscores that by understanding and confronting pe ...
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Ending People-Pleasing to Prevent Passing It To Children
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Counterarguments
- While breaking the cycle of people-pleasing is a noble goal, it's important to recognize that some degree of people-pleasing behavior is a natural and sometimes beneficial aspect of social interaction and empathy.
- The "Let Them Theory" may not account for the complexity of human relationships and the fact that sometimes pleasing others can be aligned with one's values and can lead to positive outcomes.
- The emphasis on self-worth coming from within is important, but it's also necessary to acknowledge that humans are social creatures and external feedback can play a significant role in personal development and self-esteem.
- The idea that children will simply inherit people-pleasing tendencies may overlook the role of environment and individual experiences in shaping personality and behavior.
- The concept of teaching children that they are in control of their bodies, minds, and actions is powerful, but it should also be balanced with teaching them about interdependence and the importance of considering others' needs and feelings.
- The approach of not wanting children to feel they must perform for everyone might inadvertently downplay the importance of polit ...
Actionables
- Create a "Decision Diary" for your family where each member, including children, can write down decisions they made because they wanted to, not because they felt they had to please someone. This diary can serve as a reflection tool to discuss why certain choices were made and reinforce the importance of acting based on personal values rather than external validation.
- Start a weekly "Self-Worth Circle" with your family where everyone shares something they did that week that made them proud, without seeking approval from others. This practice encourages family members to recognize their achievements and build self-esteem that is independent of others' opinions.
- Implement a "No Performance Day" once a month where ...
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