The One Tool to Transform Your Relationships: The Let Them Theory

Mel Robbins and her daughter Sawyer delve into their complex mother-daughter relationship, which has been shaped by feelings of distance, neglect, and overshadowing. Despite a base of love and regular communication, they've struggled with underlying issues that kept them from true closeness.

The hosts describe their mother-daughter relationship before the past year as having an "invisible distance" and unspoken tension

Mel and Sawyer admit to a frustrating "invisible distance" that persisted between them in the past. Although not a bad relationship, it lacked the desired closeness. Despite spending time together and sharing love, there was something missing, an underlying issue, that neither knew how to address or even fully understand. Mel Robbins talks about the "invisible distance" that can form due the tiny resentments and passive-aggressive moments that accumulate over time, particularly with those closest to us. She acknowledges when she was at home, her mind was often still tangled up with work, which contributed to the emotional gap.

Mel reminisces about her routine of being frequently away from home due to work, realizing that this pattern likely fostered resentment. When Mel was at home, she often brought her work with her, making it a central topic of discussion, which left Sawyer feeling neglected. The relationship seemed to revolve around Mel’s professional life, leaving little room for Sawyer’s needs unless it was a moment of trouble or necessity.

Sawyer felt like she couldn't relate to Mel or her younger sister Kendall, who was seen as more talented and successful

Sawyer experienced feelings of invisibility and being overshadowed due to being constantly associated with her more apparently successful mother and sister. She felt that she was known only as "Kendall's sister" or "Mel Robbins' daughter," rather than as an individual in her own right. This feel ...

Mel Robbins introduces the "Let Them Theory," a mindset tool designed to help individuals focus on what they can control in their relationships, which primarily includes their own thoughts, words, and actions.

The "Let Them Theory" is a mindset tool that helps people focus on what they can control in relationships - their own thoughts, words, and actions

This transformative approach has significantly improved the relationship between Mel and her daughter Sawyer.

The first step is "Let Them" - allowing others to be themselves and live their lives without trying to control them

The first component, "Let Them," involves allowing others to be who they are without trying to control them. This step focuses on not pulling back when someone tugs at you, allowing them to have their reactions while you remind yourself that you don't need to manage their behavior.

Mel Robbins uses "let them" when faced with intense, angry, or distant behavior from her daughter, contributing to a non-confrontational atmosphere that acknowledges the validity of the other's experiences.

The second step is "Let Me" - directing one's energy inward to take responsibility for one's own responses

The second component, "Let Me," directs one's energy inward to take responsibility for their own responses. It's a reminder to assess what you know is true about the situation and to hold space for others to express themselves, while you take responsibility for your own emotional reactions.

Mel also explains that choosing how to respond to Sawyer's actions, whether through engagement or giving space, is part of taking responsibility.

Applying the "Let Them Theory" asks individuals to stop trying to manipulate changes in others. Instead, it encourages leading by example, setting the tone for respect and understanding. The "Let Them Theory" book discusses how changing your own behavior influences the entire dynamic.

Applying the "Let Them Theory" creates space for change and transformation in relationships

Mel and Sawyer have witnessed extraordinary changes as they allowed more space for their relationship to g ...

In sharing their experiences, Mel Robbins and her daughter Sawyer Robbins discuss the transformative impact of the "Let Them Theory" on their relationship, particularly during the collaborative effort of writing a book based on the theory's principles.

The process of writing a book together using the "Let Them Theory" principles forced Mel and Sawyer to examine their relationship dynamics

Mel Robbins reflects on how writing the "Let Them Theory" book with Sawyer forced them both to examine and work on their relationship dynamics. Working on the project allowed them to create space for their relationship to evolve, getting to know each other in entirely new ways. This shared purpose brought them closer and took the focus away from typical relational dynamics, instead channeling energy into collaboration.

Mel had to let go of trying to control Sawyer's working style and organizational preferences, while Sawyer had to let go of trying to control Mel's creative process

Mel discusses the challenge of letting go of her desire to control certain aspects of Sawyer's work approach, symbolizing a shift in their relationship fueled by the "Let Them Theory." Each had to learn to give room for their respective styles; Mel, with her spontaneous creativity, and Sawyer, with her need for structure and organization.

Using "Let Them" and "Let Me" helped Mel and Sawyer become more accepting and understanding of each other's differences

The use of "Let Them" and "Let Me" became central to Mel and Sawyer's enhanced understanding of one another. This approach helped them vocalize their needs effectively, like Sawyer asking Mel to allow her organizational process to unfold as it assists her clarity of thought, and Mel granting herself the freedom to write uninhibitedly.

Sawyer acknowledges the enormity of Mel's business pressures and, through seeing things from Mel's perspective, develops a newfound compassion and sense of partnership, moving from opposition to support.

The "Let Them Theory" allowed Mel and Sawyer to build a closer, more authentic relationship by focusing on their own responses rather than trying to change eac ...

Mel Robbins and her daughter Sawyer faced notable challenges due to their contrasting working styles while collaborating on a book project. Still, the "Let Them Theory" became an instrumental tool that helped them work together successfully.

Mel and Sawyer had very different working styles and thought processes, which led to frequent conflicts and tension during the book writing process

Mel's thought process is described as a beautifully creative but absolute disaster tornado. She is indecisive, all over the place, and seeks to create without boundaries or structure. On the other hand, Sawyer is very much into organization and order, preferring outlined methods and wanting to work sequentially through the chapters. This fundamental difference led to significant frustrations and resentment from both sides.

Applying the "Let Them" principle helped them accept and work with each other's strengths and weaknesses

The "Let Them Theory" enabled Mel and Sawyer to navigate through the difficulties they faced while working together. The principle of "Let them" and "Let me" allowed both of them to openly communicate their distinct needs and boundaries more effectively. Sawyer utilized this principle to express to Mel the importance of structure to her effective thinking and working in the book project. Mel learned to appreciate Sawyer’s structured working style and allowed her the space she needed to create that structure for herself.

By voicing phrases such as "Let them" as a constant reminder to work according to their own styles, they were able to manage their stress and frustrations and acknowledge each other's approaches to the task at hand. The phrases "let them" and "let me" functioned as techniques to defuse tension, bolstering their ability to accept and deal with their differences while respecting individual working styles and personal boundaries.

The book writing project itself became a shared purpose that brought Mel and Sawyer closer, rather than driving them apart

Collaborating on this meaningful project helped Mel and Sawyer bridge the "invisible distance" in their relationship. It allowed them a chance to work towards a shared pu ...