Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
According to psychologist Stuart Ablon in this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, challenging behaviors stem not from lack of willpower but from deficits in skills like communication and self-regulation. Ablon introduces a three-step collaborative problem-solving framework to address such behaviors across ages and contexts.
He proposes actively listening without judgment, openly sharing individual perspectives, and collaborating to find mutually beneficial solutions. The guest and host discuss how this empathetic, skill-building approach can foster productive dialogue and tackle issues in relationships, parenting, workplaces, and more.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 16, 2024 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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The skills-based approach to challenging behaviors
According to Stuart Ablon, challenging behaviors stem from deficits in skills like language, attention, and self-regulation - not from willpower or motivation. He suggests building these skills through collaborative problem-solving can address such behaviors across all ages.
Challenging behaviors are due to skill deficits, not motivation
Ablon believes individuals behave challengingly due to lacking skills to handle situations, rather than choosing to misbehave. He identifies deficits linked to thinking skills, like communication and emotional regulation, as contributors. Mel Robbins adds that trauma can hinder skill development.
Key skills deficits are consistent across ages
Whether children or adults, Ablon notes the same skill gaps - in areas like communication and impulse control - can lead to inappropriate behaviors for that age. Improving these skills is possible, even for adults.
The 3-step collaborative problem-solving process
1) Approach with empathy and understanding
Ablon emphasizes actively listening without judgment and restating concerns to show authentic understanding. This creates a safe environment for collaboration.
2) Share your own perspective
After understanding the other party's viewpoint, communicate your own worries and goals - not solutions - to ensure both sides are represented.
3) Collaborate on solutions
With both perspectives on the table, brainstorm potential solutions addressing both parties' needs through genuine teamwork, not unilateral plans.
Applying the approach to various relationships
While details vary, Ablon and Robbins highlight these core principles - empathy, collaborative problem-solving, and skill-building - can address challenging behaviors across contexts, from parenting to workplace conflicts or family relationships.
A universal framework that can be adapted
Regardless of the specific situation, this approach's foundational steps of listening, understanding different viewpoints, and working together on solutions can be applied, though tailoring to unique dynamics is key.
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Counterarguments
- While skill deficits may contribute to challenging behaviors, it's also possible that other factors like biological or neurological conditions could play a significant role.
- Motivation and willpower might still be relevant in some cases, especially where behaviors are influenced by conscious choices or habits.
- The assumption that all challenging behaviors can be addressed through skill-building may not account for situations where environmental factors, such as poverty or systemic issues, are the primary drivers.
- The collaborative problem-solving approach assumes that all parties have the capacity and willingness to engage in such a process, which may not always be the case.
- Some critics argue that a one-size-fits-all approach to behavior management may not be effective due to the complexity and individuality of human behavior.
- The effectiveness of the collaborative problem-solving process may vary depending on the context and the individuals involved, and it may not be as universally applicable as suggested.
- There may be cultural differences in communication and problem-solving styles that could affect the applicability of this approach in diverse settings.
- The approach may require a significant investment of time and resources, which may not be feasible in all settings, such as in under-resourced schools or communities.
- Some situations may require immediate intervention or a more directive approach, especially when safety is at risk, which the collaborative problem-solving model may not adequately address.
- The impact of trauma on behavior is complex, and while skill-building is important, it may need to be complemented with trauma-informed care and possibly clinical interventions.
Actionables
- Create a 'behavior reflection journal' to identify skill gaps when you face challenging situations. Start by writing down instances where you felt your behavior was challenging, then reflect on what skills might have been lacking in that moment, such as communication or emotional regulation. For example, if you snapped at a colleague, consider whether you were unable to articulate stress or if you struggled to control an impulsive reaction. Over time, this journal can help you recognize patterns and pinpoint which skills to focus on developing.
- Develop a 'collaborative problem-solving card deck' for use in conflicts. Each card in the deck could represent a step or principle from the collaborative problem-solving process, such as 'empathy', 'share your perspective', or 'brainstorm solutions'. When a conflict arises, use the cards to guide the interaction, ensuring that all steps are followed. This tangible tool can help keep you on track and ensure that both parties feel heard and involved in finding a resolution.
- Practice 'empathy role-play' with a friend or family member to enhance your understanding of different perspectives. Take turns presenting a challenging situation one of you is facing, and then switch roles to explore the other's viewpoint. This exercise not only builds empathy but also helps develop communication and emotional regulation skills by actively engaging in listening and expressing concerns from another's perspective, which can be applied to real-life conflicts.
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The skills-based approach to understanding and addressing challenging behaviors
According to Stuart Ablon, challenging behaviors can often be attributed to deficits in certain skills, rather than a lack of motivation or willpower. He suggests that rather than misbehaving, individuals may struggle to manage their thoughts, emotions, and actions effectively because they lack the necessary skills.
Challenging behaviors stem from skill deficits, not a lack of motivation or willpower
Ablon discusses the idea that individuals with challenging behaviors are doing the best they can with the skills they have at that moment to handle what the world is throwing at them. He identifies areas of deficit largely linked to thinking skills within the prefrontal cortex, such as language and communication skills, attention and working memory, and emotion and self-regulation. Ablon suggests that by identifying what skills the individual is struggling with and collaborating with them, they can help build those skills through problem-solving.
Challenging behaviors occur across all ages, from young children to adults
Ablon asserts that the same skills-based approach can be used to address challenging behaviors in people of all ages, emphasizing that specific skill deficits contributing to such behaviors are consistent across different age groups. Mel Robbins also remarks that the lack of development of certain skills can be due to various forms of trauma, such as racism, poverty, or mental health issues. Ablon points out that punitive reactions to challenging behavior only escalate the problems because stress hinders skill development, leading to worsening behavior.
Ablon notes that a skill like impulse control, which prevents a person from acting on their first instinct, is a critical part of human behavior management. He argues that punishment is ineffective for individuals who lack good impulse control because they are not able to consider the consequences of their actions.
The specific skills deficits that contribute to challenging behaviors are consistent across age group ...
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The skills-based approach to understanding and addressing challenging behaviors
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Counterarguments
- While skill deficits may contribute to challenging behaviors, it's also important to consider the role of environmental factors, such as the immediate context in which the behavior occurs, which can influence or trigger such behaviors.
- The emphasis on skill deficits might overlook the possibility that some challenging behaviors are strategic and serve a functional purpose for the individual, such as gaining attention or avoiding demands.
- The assertion that punitive reactions always escalate problems may be too broad; in some cases, clear and consistent consequences can help establish boundaries and teach responsibility.
- The idea that skill deficits are consistent across age groups may not account for the nuanced ways in which these deficits manifest differently at various developmental stages.
- The focus on the prefrontal cortex might oversimplify the complex neural networks involved in behavior, which include other brain regions and neurotransmitter systems.
- The skills-based approach may not fully address the need for systemic changes in environments like schools, workplaces, and communities that can contribute to challenging behaviors.
- The claim that punishment is ineffective for those lacking impulse control may not consider the potential for well-designed behavioral interventions that include a punitive component to be effective when combined with other strategies.
- The text sug ...
Actionables
- You can develop a personal skill inventory to identify areas for growth by listing skills related to emotional regulation, impulse control, and communication, then rating your proficiency in each area on a scale from 1 to 10. Reflect on situations where you've faced challenges and consider how these skills could have changed the outcome. For example, if you often interrupt others, you might rate your communication skills lower and practice active listening during conversations.
- Create a behavior management plan for yourself by selecting one skill deficit you've identified, such as working memory, and setting a small, achievable goal to improve it. Use tools like daily reminders on your phone to practice memory exercises or apps designed to enhance cognitive functions. Track your progress over a month and adjust your strategies as needed, like switching from digital reminders to physical notes if that's more effective for you.
- Engage in role-playing e ...
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The 3-step collaborative problem-solving process
Stuart Ablon offers insights into a three-step collaborative problem-solving process designed to approach difficult situations with empathy, understanding, and collaboration.
The first step is to approach the situation with empathy and understanding
According to Ablon, empathy is the first and most crucial ingredient of the collaborative problem-solving process. It requires actively listening to the other person's perspective and concerns without judgment and refraining from imposing your preconceptions.
Actively listen to the other person's perspective and concerns, without judgment or preconceptions.
Ablon emphasizes the importance of being a detective to truly understand the other side, approaching the conversation with statements like "I just want to understand" or "I know there must be an important reason for [behavior]." He points out that empathy is a powerful human regulator that can positively affect one's physiological state—such as blood pressure and heart rate—by making them feel understood.
Use reflective listening and reassurance to create a safe, collaborative environment.
Ablon describes reflective listening as restating what the other person has said in your words, assuring them that you genuinely understand without merely mimicking their words. Providing reassurance involves statements such as "I know there must be good reasons why you haven't [taken action]," which helps uncover the concerns behind undesired behaviors.
The second step is to share your own perspective and concerns
After fully understanding and reflecting the other person's perspective, the next step is to share your own concerns and perspectives in a way that encourages collaboration rather than just pushing solutions.
Communicate your worries and goals without imposing your own solutions.
Ablon states that it's crucial to communicate worries and the reasons for initiating the conversation without jumping to solutions. For example, if concerned about someone's well-being due to depression, it's important to express worries about their overall state rather than dictating steps they should take.
Ensure both parties' perspectives are represented before moving to problem-solving.
Both sides of the problem should be on the table before trying to solve it, which means that both the adult's and child’s concerns should be understood and respected. This means inviting the child to understand the adult's perspective as well and making them a helper in the process, laying the groundwork for genuine collaboration.
The third step is to collaborate on finding mutually satisfactory solutions
The final step is to brainstorm and evaluate potential solutions that address the needs o ...
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The 3-step collaborative problem-solving process
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Counterarguments
- Empathy may not always be reciprocated, and some individuals may take advantage of empathetic approaches for their own gain.
- Active listening without judgment can be challenging in situations where the other party's perspective is ethically or morally questionable.
- Reflective listening requires skill and practice, and without proper training, attempts at reassurance can come off as patronizing or insincere.
- Sharing one's own perspective can sometimes escalate conflict, especially if the other party is not open to hearing it.
- Communicating worries and goals without imposing solutions may not be sufficient in crisis situations where immediate action is required.
- Ensuring both parties' perspectives are represented assumes that both parties are willing and able to articulate their concerns, which may not always be the case.
- Collaborating on finding mutually ...
Actionables
- You can enhance your empathetic understanding by keeping a daily journal where you write about a situation from someone else's perspective. This practice will help you to naturally consider other viewpoints in real conversations. For example, if a coworker is upset about a project delay, write about the situation from their point of view, considering their possible stressors and motivations.
- Start a 'perspective-sharing' routine with a friend or family member where you each discuss a current issue from your own viewpoint, then switch to the other's perspective. This exercise will train you to articulate your concerns while also recognizing the validity of another's position. For instance, if you're having a disagreement about household chores, first explain your feelings, then have your partner do the same, and finally, each of you repeats the other's concerns to ensure mutual understanding.
- Create a 'solution card deck' with friends or colleagues where each card lists a ...
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Applying this approach to various relationships and situations
Ablon and Mel Robbins introduce a skills-based approach to behavior challenges that can be readily applied to a variety of relationships and situations, suggesting it's not limited to specific groups or settings.
This approach can be used to address challenging behaviors in a wide range of contexts
From parenting difficult children to navigating conflicts with spouses, colleagues, or aging family members.
Ablon mentions the application of this approach to real-life problems, implying that it can be utilized in various relationships and situations, as evidenced by Mel Robbins’ personal experiences with her husband's depression and friends addressing adult children's mental health or eating disorders. Ablon also discusses finding collaborative solutions for parents dealing with adult children who are not economically self-sufficient.
The core principles of empathy, collaborative problem-solving, and skill-building remain consistent
Regardless of the specific situation or individuals involved, the foundational steps of this approach can be applied.
Dr. Ablon emphasizes that the strategies he has developed for dealing with challenging behavior are appropriate for any relationship. The approach to understanding challenging behavior is valuable in diverse settings, from kids with trauma histories in residential treatment to correctional facilities, as well as in homes.
Ablon suggests that his proposed problem-solving approach can be used with "anybody in your life," indicating broad applicability. The speaker mentions that the problem-solving approach can be applied by anyone, such as parents or a manager at work. This approach's principles of empathy, collaborative problem-solving, and continuous skill-building are consistent across different scenarios and relationships, as observed by Mel Robbins, who speaks of its application to a range of contexts.
Adapting the approach to the unique dynamics and needs of each relationship is key
The details of how the process unfolds may vary, but the underlying framework remains the same.
The hosts delve into how the approach must be adapted to the unique dynamics and needs of each relationship. Ablon and Robbins illustrate its universality, showing that it’s as applicable to a child refusing to get out of bed as it is to someone with an eating disorder resisting treatment.
Ablon illustrates the adaptability of the approach's principles across various situations, such as with elderly parents' screen time issues. Mel Robbins also reflects on how applying these principles can change familial dynamics and patterns across contexts. They note that while the process details may vary, the underlying ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Applying this approach to various relationships and situations
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The approach may not be as universally applicable as suggested, as cultural differences can significantly impact the effectiveness of behavioral strategies.
- The assumption that the same core principles work in every context may overlook the complexity and unique challenges of certain situations, such as severe mental illness or deeply ingrained behavioral patterns.
- The skills-based approach might not sufficiently address underlying biological or neurological conditions that can influence behavior.
- The emphasis on empathy and collaborative problem-solving may not always be practical in high-stakes or crisis situations where immediate and directive action is required.
- The idea that the younger generation is more spoiled could be a biased perspective that doesn't consider the unique pressures and challenges faced by modern youth.
- The adaptability of the approach may require a level of expertise or training that not all individuals, such as parents or managers, possess, which could limit its effectiveness.
- The approach might be overly optimistic about the potential for change in some individuals, not accounting for those who may resist change despite well-implemented strategies.
- The focus on changing the behavior of others might inadverte ...
Actionables
- Create a behavior change journal to track your interactions and the skills you use in challenging situations. Start by noting down the context of a difficult interaction, your response, and the outcome. Reflect on how empathy and collaborative problem-solving played a role, or could have played a role, in the interaction. Over time, you'll be able to identify patterns in your behavior and adjust your approach to be more consistent with the skills-based method.
- Practice active listening in everyday conversations by summarizing what the other person said before responding. This exercise will help you develop empathy and show that you understand their perspective. For example, if a colleague is explaining a problem, you might say, "It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed by the project deadlines," before offering your thoughts or assistance.
- Engage in role-playing exercises with a friend or f ...
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