The Only Dating Advice You'll Ever Need

Technology has revolutionized the way people connect and form relationships, particularly through dating apps, which offer both opportunities and challenges in the quest for love.

Dating apps have both positives and negatives for finding love

Dating apps have fundamentally changed the way individuals meet and engage with potential partners, offering both benefits and pitfalls in modern dating.

Apps have expanded the pool of potential partners, especially for those in "thin dating markets"

Logan Ury, the director of relationship science at Hinge, notes that dating apps like Hinge are tools meant to improve the dating experience. According to Stanford research, since 2017, online mediums have become the number one way for couples to meet. Apps are especially helpful for those in "thin dating markets," such as individuals over 40, the LGBTQ+ community, and those in rural areas. Mel Robbins also observes that technology has provided the chance to meet people you wouldn’t normally cross paths with in your regular social circles.

But apps have also created unrealistic expectations and a mindset of "relation shopping" rather than truly connecting

On the other hand, Robbins contends that while apps provide a plethora of choices, they can also encourage a perpetual search for the next best thing, fostering inconsiderate behaviors. Logan Ury introduces the concept of "relation shopping," where users approach the search for a partner with a consumer mindset, focusing on a checklist of traits rather than building a genuine connection. Ury further explains that during a live matching event, many people connected who might not have matched on an app due to restrictive filters like age, height, or religion.

The challenges of dating are not unique to apps, but are amplified by the technology

The challenges and psychological dynamics of dating have long existed; however, they are exacerbated in the digital realm.

Behaviors like ghosting, breadcrumbing, and lack of vulnerability existed before apps

Ury points out that common frustrations such as ghosting and difficulty expressing interest predate apps, yet these behaviors are now amplified and associated with the technology. ...

In the modern dating landscape, there are several common mindsets that can obstruct individuals from finding and maintaining healthy relationships. Recognizing these patterns can empower singles to adjust their approach and achieve more fulfilling connections.

The "romanticizer" seeks an unrealistic fairytale relationship

Romanticizers are in love with the idea of love. With a belief that finding their "soulmate" will make every aspect of the relationship smooth and effortless, they look for a rom-com style love story. Yet, their search for an instant soulmate leads to inevitable discouragement when the natural work and compromise required in real relationships emerge.

Logan Ury remarks on this mindset, focusing on the significance of how couples met—the "WeMet" story—as opposed to the continual effort needed to sustain the bond. Further reinforcing this mindset, a study finds that Gen Z is much more likely to believe in soulmates compared to millennials, which might set them up for disappointment when relationships don't easily align with their idealistic visions.

Ury advises shifting from the soulmate expectation to a focus on building the relationship through ongoing work and adaptation. A vital part of this process is moving away from the assumption that a single spark or immediate chemistry is a reliable indicator of a relationship’s long-term viability.

The "maximizer" has impossibly high standards and always searches for something "better"

Maximizers have an ingrained belief that there is a perfect partner out there, leading to a continual search for this ideal, which can be likened to constructing a "Frankenstein" of desired qualities. They often employ a "relation shopping" mindset, which can result in dissatisfaction with current relationship prospects and a fear of settling, causing them to question their commitment at every turn.

Ury relates to this maximizer tendency personally, acknowledging the challenge it presents in settling down with a partner. She urges maximizers to recognize and grieve this aspect of themselves and then create a plan to move past it. This may involve softening strict filters on dating apps to increase the range of potential partners or redefining the concept of a "deal breaker," distinguishing it from minor pet peeves.

The "he ...

Logan Ury and Mel Robbins provide insights on practical strategies for creating a successful dating life, emphasizing the importance of an authentic dating profile, active participation, and a mindset shift toward building a fulfilling relationship.

Create an intentional, authentic dating profile

Use clear, unfiltered photos that accurately represent your appearance

Logan Ury advises that the first photo in a dating profile should be a clear image of your face without any filters or sunglasses to show what you truly look like. She emphasizes that the photo should be of you alone, with no other people, to avoid confusion among those viewing your profile. It is also suggested to include a full-body shot, as the profiles of successful daters who found matches and subsequently deleted the app often included such photos.

Showcase your hobbies, interests, and personality in your profile content

Robbins notes the importance of creating a dating profile that accurately represents the individual. To paint a picture of what your life is like, Ury recommends including a picture of doing something you love and with friends and family. Icebreakers responded to on a dating app like Hinge should tell a story, showing your vulnerability and a silly side to spark unique conversations on dates. Ury’s suggestion that her client should have hot takes like why Golden Doodles are overrated or why a taco is a sandwich serves to make your profile memorable and provoke thought.

Be an active participant in your dating life, not just reactive

Initiate conversations and interactions rather than just waiting for matches

Ury encourages daters to become active in the dating process by initiating conversations and interactions. She suggests using an "Events Decision Matrix" to prioritize events that encourage interaction and are also enjoyable. Ury recommends being proactive in messaging people, sending comments instead of likes, and finding something unique in a person's profile to comment on. Ury also suggests walking into a date and opening the conversation with something interesting, like a topic heard on a podcast, to engage in a meaningful dialogue.

Practice flirting and small talk to build social skills for in-person interactions

To hone social skills for in-person interactions, Ury defines flirting as interacting with people, and Robbins emphasizes the importance of saying hello to people. Ury encourages practicing talking to people in different situations to prepare for meeting someone of romantic interest. She criticizes typical first date conversations and suggests having real experiences that go beyond small talk, which will lead to more engaging conversations.

Shift your mindset from searching for perfection to building a f ...

Dating experts Mel Robbins and Logan Ury discuss the unique challenges and opportunities faced by different age groups in the dating scene, with advice tailored to help each navigate the complexities of modern relationships.

Younger daters (20s-30s) often struggle with fear of rejection and lack of vulnerability

For younger daters in their 20s, Logan Ury suggests this period should be considered one of experimentation. Ury points out that they need to test their assumptions about who they want to be with by dating various types of people. Robbins adds that the experience of dating can be overwhelming for younger daters, who need to face the process rather than retreat.

Ury talks about the "hesitators," indicating that among younger daters, a lack of dating experience frequently leads to fear of rejection and vulnerability. These daters are often crippled by their fear of rejection, wanting love but being unwilling to put themselves out there to avoid the discomfort of rejection.

Robbins and Ury discuss how younger daters seem to prefer the less risky world of dating via phones, where one knows who is single and interested. Robbins underscores the need to engage in conversation and show interest in people around them, not just those behind a screen.

They need to put themselves out there more and not hide behind screens

Robbins encourages younger daters to avoid the comfort of digital interactions and to undertake more in-person conversations, which are necessary for developing genuine connections. Logan Ury supports this by implying that young people need to engage face-to-face, suggesting the importance of developing interpersonal skills through real-life experience.

Developing interpersonal skills through practice is key

The emphasis for younger daters is on the necessity to practice dating, confront rejection, and foster deep connections to become more proficient at dating. This hands-on experience is crucial for overcoming fears and becoming more open to the complexities of romantic relationships.

Older daters (40s+) have advantages like self-knowledge and less pressure, but also challenges

For those in their 40s, 50s, and beyond, Ury indicates that dating is a skill set distinct from the ability to love. Ury mentions that while these individuals know how to love, they may not be adept with contemporary dating practices. Robbins empathizes with older daters who have to navigate dating after significant life changes like divorce or the loss of a spouse, often dealing with more "baggage" and potentially outdated ...