To Anyone Going Through a Breakup: How to Heal a Broken Heart & Move On
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Robbins explores the neuroscience and psychology behind breakups and grieving. She explains how breakups involve unlearning neurological patterns formed with a partner and offers practical strategies for moving through the process.
From removing reminders of an ex to staying active with supportive friends, Robbins shares actionable tips to facilitate healing. The discussion also covers the importance of acceptance, letting go, and embracing the possibility of new, healthier relationships. Additionally, Robbins provides guidance for supporting loved ones through a breakup, advocating patience and understanding during this transition.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 5, 2024 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
The neuroscience and psychology of breakups and grieving
Breakups involve a process of unlearning neurological, physiological and psychological patterns formed with a partner, according to Mel Robbins. Actions like stalking an ex on social media prolong this integration. Experiencing a breakup is likened to grieving the loss of a loved one, with similar emotional stages like denial and depression, which Robbins says is a normal, healthy response.
Practical strategies for moving through a breakup
Mel Robbins advises removing all reminders of an ex-partner, including photos and playlists, to avoid triggering neurological associations. She suggests redecorating living spaces like bedrooms to signify a new chapter. Reaching out to supportive friends and filling your calendar with new, purposeful activities fosters personal growth during this transition.
The Importance of Acceptance, Letting Go, and New Love
Mel Robbins emphasizes avoiding contact with an ex and obsessing over their new life, as this prevents true acceptance. Implementing a strict 30-day "no contact" period is crucial for unlearning patterns. She advises shifting the mindset from dwelling on the past to visualizing future, healthier partnerships. Embracing that the "love of your life" is yet to come can provide positivity and openness.
Supporting Someone Through a Breakup
Mel Robbins cautions against cliche advice like "just love yourself," which can invalidate emotions. Allow space for grieving without judgment. Actively engage through presence and plans rather than messages. Have patience when they repeatedly discuss their ex as part of processing emotions.
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Additional Materials
Clarifications
- When a person goes through a breakup, they have to adjust and rewire their brain and body's responses that were previously linked to their ex-partner. This process involves breaking habits, emotional connections, and thought patterns associated with the relationship. Unlearning these ingrained behaviors and reactions is essential for moving on and forming new, healthier connections in the future.
- In the context of breakups, the integration process involves unlearning the neurological, physiological, and psychological patterns that were formed with a partner. This process includes disassociating oneself from these patterns and adjusting to a new reality without the influence of the former partner. It signifies a period of readjustment and adaptation to life without the significant other, encompassing emotional, mental, and behavioral changes. Integrating the breakup experience involves accepting the end of the relationship and creating new neural pathways that do not rely on the presence or influence of the ex-partner.
- When comparing experiencing a breakup to grieving the loss of a loved one, it highlights the intense emotional pain and sense of loss that can accompany both situations. Both processes involve stages of emotional turmoil, such as denial, anger, and sadness. This comparison underscores the depth of attachment and the significant impact that the end of a relationship can have on an individual's emotional well-being. Grieving a breakup acknowledges the need for healing and adjustment to a new reality without the presence of the partner, similar to mourning the absence of a deceased loved one.
- Neurological associations triggered by reminders of an ex-partner are connections in the brain between memories of the ex and certain stimuli, like photos or songs, that evoke emotional responses. These associations can lead to the reactivation of past feelings and behaviors associated with the relationship, influencing one's emotional state. Removing these reminders can help break these neurological connections and aid in moving on from the past relationship. By changing the environment and avoiding triggers, individuals can start to form new associations and create a fresh mental space.
- Implementing a strict 30-day "no contact" period after a breakup is a strategy aimed at creating distance and boundaries to help individuals heal emotionally and mentally. This period allows for a break from communication with an ex-partner, which can aid in breaking unhealthy patterns and reducing emotional dependency. By enforcing this time frame, individuals can focus on themselves, gain clarity, and start the process of moving on from the past relationship. It serves as a structured approach to facilitate personal growth and the transition to a new chapter in life.
- Shifting the mindset from dwelling on the past to visualizing future partnerships involves redirecting focus from past relationships to imagining positive and healthy future connections. It encourages individuals to let go of lingering attachments to past experiences and embrace the potential for new and fulfilling relationships. This shift in mindset aims to promote optimism, openness, and a proactive approach towards creating new romantic connections. By visualizing future partnerships, individuals can cultivate hope, motivation, and a sense of readiness for new love and positive experiences.
- The advice "just love yourself" can be seen as cliché in the context of a breakup because it oversimplifies complex emotions and experiences. It may come across as dismissive or lacking empathy towards the depth of pain and grief someone may be feeling after a breakup. Encouraging self-love is important, but it should be complemented with understanding and validation of the individual's feelings during a difficult time.
- Allowing space for grieving without judgment means providing emotional support to someone experiencing a breakup without criticizing or trying to rush their healing process. It involves creating a safe environment where the person can express their feelings openly and without fear of being judged for their emotions or actions. This approach acknowledges the individual's pain and allows them to navigate their emotions at their own pace. By offering understanding and empathy instead of judgment, you help the person feel validated and supported during a difficult time.
- Actively engaging through presence and making plans instead of sending messages involves physically being there for someone going through a breakup, offering your support through your physical presence, and actively participating in activities together. This approach emphasizes the importance of spending quality time together, engaging in meaningful conversations, and creating new experiences to help the person feel supported and distracted from their breakup. It prioritizes face-to-face interactions and shared experiences over digital communication to provide more substantial emotional support during a challenging time.
Counterarguments
- While removing reminders of an ex-partner can be helpful, some individuals may benefit from a more gradual approach to detachment rather than an immediate purge, as it can be part of the healing process.
- Redecorating living spaces is not always financially feasible for everyone, and some may find comfort in familiarity rather than change.
- The strict 30-day "no contact" rule may not be suitable for all situations, especially when children or mutual responsibilities are involved, requiring communication.
- The idea that the "love of your life" is yet to come might not resonate with everyone, particularly those who believe in multiple loves or those who find fulfillment outside of romantic relationships.
- The concept of "just love yourself" can be meaningful and helpful for some people, even if it sounds cliché, as self-love is a crucial part of many people's healing processes.
- Actively engaging through presence and making plans might not always be possible due to geographical distance or current pandemic-related restrictions, and digital communication could be the only viable option.
- Patience with someone who repeatedly discusses their ex is important, but it's also necessary to set boundaries if the topic becomes too consuming or detrimental to the supporter's well-being.
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The neuroscience and psychology of breakups and grieving
Breakups are more than just emotional events; they involve neurological, physiological, and psychological processes that require an individual to unlearn life with their former partner. Mel Robbins discusses how relationships create integrated patterns that the mind and body must work to separate from after a breakup.
Breakups trigger a neurological, physiological, and psychological process of unlearning life with the former partner.
Mel Robbins explains that after a breakup, individuals must unlearn the neurological, physiological, and psychological patterns formed during the relationship, as the nervous system, brain patterns, and psychological associations become intertwined during that time. Robbins mentions that heartache involves not just emotional pain but also disrupting established patterns, such as circuitry in the body, nervous system, thoughts, and emotions, all of which are tied to shared experiences like music.
Sawyer Robbins admits to behaviors that maintain psychological entanglements, such as stalking an ex on social media or trying to stay connected to their social circle, which keeps the former partner present in one’s mind. Mel Robbins emphasizes the need to recognize these impulses without acting on them, viewing the process as a form of withdrawal.
Experiencing a breakup is akin to grieving the loss of a loved one, with similar emotional stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventual acceptance.
Sawyer Robbins relates the heartbreak of a breakup to the feeling of grief experienced when ...
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The neuroscience and psychology of breakups and grieving
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Breakups involve the unlearning of integrated patterns in the brain, nervous system, and emotions formed during a relationship. This process includes disentangling shared experiences and memories that are interconnected with the former partner. The disruption of these patterns can lead to emotional pain and a need to rewire neural connections associated with the ex-partner. Psychological processes during breakups can trigger behaviors like social media stalking or attempts to maintain connections, which can prolong the emotional distress and hinder the healing process.
- When a relationship ends, unlearning life with a former partner involves breaking the habits, routines, and emotional connections that were established during the time spent together. This process requires individuals to disentangle their thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that were intertwined with their ex-partner. It involves consciously recognizing and changing the patterns and associations linked to the relationship to move forward and heal. Unlearning life with a former partner is about creating new neural pathways and psychological frameworks that do not include the presence or influence of the past relationship.
- When individuals are in a relationship, their brains form interconnected patterns related to shared experiences, emotions, and behaviors with their partner. These patterns become ingrained over time, creating a sense of unity and familiarity. After a breakup, the process of moving on involves untangling these integrated patterns to establish new neural pathways and emotional connections independent of the former partner. This separation is necessary for personal growth and to adapt to life without the previous relationship dynamics.
- Heartache disrupting established patterns in the body, nervous system, thoughts, and emotions means that the experience of a breakup can lead to significant changes in how the body and mind function. This disruption can manifest as physical symptoms like changes in appetite or sleep patterns, alterations in brain activity related to memories and emotions, and shifts in thought patterns such as rumination or intrusive thoughts. Emotionally, heartache can impact mood regulation, self-perception, and the processing of social interactions, all of which were previously influenced by the presence of the former partner.
- When comparing experiencing a breakup to grieving the loss of a loved one, the emotional stages involved, such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, are similar. Both situations can trigger intense emotional responses and a sense of loss. The absence of the significant person in one's life can lead to feelings of emptiness and sadness, regardless of whether it's due to a breakup or a death. Processing these emotions and adjusting to life without the person are key aspects of both breakup and grief experiences.
- The emotional stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance in the context of breakups are commonly known as the stages of grief. Denial involves disbelief or shock at the breakup. Anger can manifest as frustration or resentment towards the situation or the ex-partner. Bargaining may involve attempts to reconcile or negotiate the relationship. Depression encompasses feelings of sadness, loss, and loneliness. Acceptance signifies coming to terms with the breakup and moving forward.
- Heartbreak being likened to grief over losing a loved one ...
Counterarguments
- While breakups do involve unlearning patterns, the extent and difficulty of this process can vary greatly from person to person, and not all individuals may experience it in the same way.
- The comparison of breakups to the grieving process of losing a loved one can be seen as oversimplifying the unique aspects of each experience; while there are similarities, the two events can also have profound differences.
- The stages of grief model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) has been criticized for not being a one-size-fits-all process, and individuals may not experience these stages linearly or at all.
- The idea that heartache disrupts established patterns assumes a uniformity in relationships and breakups that may not account for the diversity of human experiences and the resilience of some individuals.
- The suggestion to recognize impulses without acting on them after a breakup may not acknowledge the potential benefits of certain types of contact or closure for some individuals.
- The assertion that emotional stages during a ...
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Practical strategies and tools for processing and moving through a breakup
Mel Robbins, through her podcast "Breakup Survival Guide," offers insights and practical strategies to help individuals move forward after a breakup.
Actively remove all reminders of the former partner from your environment to avoid triggering the neurological associations.
After a breakup, Sawyer Robbins suggests that constant reminders such as old photos, and social media stalking keep the relationship alive in one's mind, which is not conducive to moving on. Mel Robbins advises removing everything in your environment that can trigger thoughts of the former partner, such as photos and playlists. If the ex-partner has left clothing or trinkets, put them in a box and store them out of sight. If this process is too painful to do on your own, ask someone else to help remove these items, because physical reminders can activate the nervous system and hinder the grieving process. This removal should be part of a 30-day break of zero contact, including no photos and no social media presence of the ex-partner.
Undergo a "makeover" of your living space, such as rearranging your bedroom, to signal a new chapter in your life.
Mel Robbins suggests changing your bedroom by painting a wall, moving the bed, or purchasing new sheets or a blanket. This makeover can help signify the start of a new chapter, especially since the bedroom likely has strong emotional connections to the ex-partner. Instead of taking a friend out for drinks post-breakup, consider taking them shopping for new bedroom items to refresh their living space.
Proactively reach out to supportive friends and loved ones and ask them to check in on you regularly during the grieving process.
Sawyer Robbins emphasizes the importance of asking for support from friends and family during a breakup. This can prevent isolation and foster healing. Mel Robbins en ...
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Practical strategies and tools for processing and moving through a breakup
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Counterarguments
- While removing reminders of a former partner can help some people move on, for others it may be more beneficial to gradually phase out these items, as an immediate removal might feel too abrupt or like an erasure of an important part of their history.
- A makeover of one's living space can be a positive step, but it might not be financially feasible for everyone. Additionally, some individuals may find comfort in the familiarity of their environment during a time of emotional upheaval.
- Proactively reaching out to friends and loved ones is important, but it's also crucial to recognize that not everyone may have a supportive network available. Some individuals may need to seek professional help ...
Actionables
- Create a digital vision board using a free app to visualize your future without the past relationship's influence. By selecting images and quotes that represent your goals and aspirations, you can replace old memories with new, empowering visuals that you can access anytime on your phone or computer.
- Start a 'new chapter' jar where you write down one thing you want to accomplish or experience each day, fold the paper, and drop it in. This tangible act reinforces your commitment to filling your life with new activities and can serve as a daily reminder to stay proactive in your personal growth.
- Volun ...
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The Importance of Acceptance, Letting Go, and Building a New Life
Moving on from a broken relationship can be challenging, but experts and commentators like Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins offer advice on acceptance, letting go, and the prospect of finding new love.
Avoid the temptation to maintain contact with the former partner or obsess over their new life, as this prevents true acceptance and healing.
Implementing a strict "no contact" period of at least 30 days is crucial for unlearning the neurological patterns and allowing the grieving process to unfold.
Mel Robbins states that on the other side of heartache lies a more powerful, wiser, and more loving version of yourself, emphasizing the importance of moving through pain. Sawyer Robbins echoes this sentiment, noting the tendency to engage in unhelpful behaviors like social media stalking, which can hinder acceptance and healing.
Therapist Anne Davin advises implementing a strict "no contact" rule for at least 30 days to help break neurological patterns associated with the past relationship. Listening to voice memos or viewing pictures can activate old patterns in the nervous system, impeding the unlearning process. Both Mel and Sawyer Robbins underscore the importance of this 30-day period to move on more quickly.
Shift your mindset from dwelling on the past relationship to focusing on the possibility of finding a new, healthier partnership in the future.
Visualizing yourself happy and fulfilled with a loving partner can help provide hope and motivation during the difficult transition.
Mel Robbins advises a shift in focus toward the possibility of finding new love. She emphasizes that accepting the relationship is over is key to being open to dating again. Encouraging thoughts like "what if this all works out?" and that the breakup may lead you to a relationship you deserve can bolster a positive outlook. Sawyer Robbins stresses the importance of not dwelling on a past love to avoid t ...
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Counterarguments
- While a "no contact" rule can be beneficial for some, others may find closure or maintain healthy friendships with their ex-partners after a period of healing.
- Personal growth can occur in many contexts, not just through the experience of pain or heartache.
- Some individuals may find that social media can be a tool for maintaining mutual friendships and support networks, even after a breakup.
- Focusing on the future can be helpful, but it's also important to process and learn from past relationships to ensure healthier future ones.
- Visualizing a happy future with a partner can be motivating, but it's also important to find fulfillment and happiness within oneself, independent of a relationship.
- The concept of a "love of your life" can be romanticized and may not align with everyone's experiences or beliefs about love and relationships.
- Some people may find that taking time to be single and not immediately seeking new relationships is more beneficial for their per ...
Actionables
- Create a personalized "distraction deck" with cards listing activities you enjoy, and draw one whenever you feel the urge to check on your ex. This could include things like trying a new recipe, sketching, going for a jog, or calling a friend. The physical act of drawing a card can be a helpful ritual to shift your focus and reinforce the habit of seeking positive alternatives to social media stalking.
- Start a "future gratitude journal" where you write down things you're looking forward to experiencing with a future partner, such as traveling to a new place or sharing your favorite movie. This practice can help you visualize a happy future and maintain a hopeful outlook, making the idea of new love more tangible and exciting.
- Develop a "void filler" list that i ...
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Advice for supporting someone through a breakup
Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins highlight the importance of providing genuine support to someone experiencing a breakup, emphasizing understanding, patience, and presence.
Avoid cliche platitudes like "just love yourself" or "get back out there," as these can invalidate the person's emotions and experiences.
Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins assert that common platitudes like "love yourself" and "get back out there" are not helpful during a breakup. They critique such advice, suggesting that it can invalidate the emotional turmoil someone is experiencing, making them feel incapable of self-love amid feelings of rejection and insecurity. They note that such statements can seem dismissive of the grieving necessary after the loss of an intimate relationship.
The concept of telling someone to distract themselves by diving back into work or social life is also challenged. Sawyer Robbins emphasizes that pressures to distract oneself can be overwhelming when consumed with thoughts of a past partner. Mel Robbins demonstrates understanding that it's natural and healthy to feel upset over a breakup, noting that it's essential to grieve and reframing the advice to 'love yourself' is not conducive to the healing process.
Recognize that the grieving process is necessary and allow the person space to feel and express their feelings without judgment.
Mel Robbins speaks to the significance of understanding the grieving and deprogramming process that happens during a breakup. She suggests that it's a misconception that closure from another person can reset one's nervous system, highlighting the necessity for an individual to process their emotions themselves. She recounts her own experience with this realization when supporting her daughter, Sawyer, by giving her the space she needed to process her emotions without judgment. They both stress that allowing the person to grieve, be sad, and express their feelings is critical.
Actively engage with the person, such as by showing up in person, making plans, or providing practical assistance, rather than just sending occasional messages.
Sawyer Robbins underscores the importance of physically showing up for someone experiencing a breakup. She highlights actions like accompanying someone to a fitness class or arranging a weekend with friends as gestures that can have a substantial impact. Mel Robbins recognizes the ...
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Advice for supporting someone through a breakup
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Counterarguments
- While cliché platitudes are often discouraged, they can sometimes offer a sense of shared human experience and comfort to certain individuals who find them grounding or reassuring.
- Some people may actually benefit from the advice to "get back out there" or to distract themselves with work or social activities, as staying active and engaged can be a helpful coping mechanism for them.
- The grieving process is indeed important, but there is a risk of someone becoming stuck in their grief; friends and family might need to gently encourage progress if they notice harmful patterns of behavior.
- While actively engaging with someone is beneficial, it's also important to respect their need for solitude or personal space. Some individuals may prefer l ...
Actionables
- Create a personalized care package for a friend going through a breakup, including items that cater to their specific interests and comforts, like a favorite snack, a book on a topic they love, or a soothing playlist you've compiled. This shows you've put thought into their well-being and provides a tangible expression of your support.
- Offer to help with daily tasks that might feel overwhelming to them, such as grocery shopping, pet care, or house cleaning. By reducing their immediate burdens, you give them more space to process their emotions and show that you're there to support them in practical ways.
- Start a shared journal or notebook exchange where you bo ...
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