How to Let Go of What You Can’t Control & Redirect Your Energy
On The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel Robbins and her guest delve into the topic of dread, exploring its psychological and physiological impacts. They share personal experiences with dread, such as during severe turbulence on a flight or receiving a loved one's cancer diagnosis. The podcast examines how dread can hijack thoughts, trigger stress responses, and lead to avoidance behaviors.
Robbins offers practical strategies to manage dread, including techniques like box breathing to calm the body's stress response. She suggests shifting one's mindset from dread to uncertainty, focusing on what is within one's control, and recognizing uncertainty as an opportunity for positive change through one's attitude and actions.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Nov 4, 2024 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Experiences with dread and anxiety
Mel Robbins shares her experience of dread during severe turbulence on a flight, when her mind spiraled into imagining catastrophic outcomes. As Phil's father received a cancer diagnosis, Phil initially felt dread from the uncertainty, despite a favorable prognosis.
Dread's psychological and physiological impacts
According to Robbins, dread hijacks thoughts, causing one to assume the worst, while triggering physiological responses like increased heart rate and tension. This fight-or-flight response puts the body in heightened stress. Dread also leads to avoidance behaviors and constrains perspectives.
Strategies for managing dread
Robbins recommends practical techniques like box breathing to calm the stress response. She suggests shifting one's mindset from dread to uncertainty to consider hopeful possibilities. Recognizing what is within one's control, like thoughts and actions, helps navigate uncertainty.
Taking proactive steps to address dread's sources, such as changing jobs or relationships, can break the cycle. Robbins advises seeing life's uncertainties as opportunities for positive change through one's attitude.
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Counterarguments
- While box breathing can be effective for some, it may not work for everyone, and other stress-reduction techniques could be more beneficial depending on the individual's needs and preferences.
- Shifting one's mindset from dread to uncertainty might not be easy or possible in all situations, especially when dealing with deeply ingrained fears or trauma.
- Recognizing what is within one's control is a useful strategy, but it can sometimes lead to self-blame or added pressure if individuals feel they must control their thoughts and emotions in challenging circumstances.
- Taking proactive steps to address the sources of dread is sound advice, but it may oversimplify complex situations where the sources of dread are not easily changeable, such as systemic issues or chronic health conditions.
- The idea of seeing life's uncertainties as opportunities for positive change is optimistic, but it may not acknowledge the real pain and difficulty that uncertainty can bring, especially for those dealing with loss, grief, or significant life changes.
- The text implies that attitude adjustments can lead to positive change, but this may not always be the case, particularly in situations where external factors are the primary cause of dread and are beyond the individual's control.
Actionables
- Create a "dread diary" to track and analyze your stress triggers, noting the situation, your thoughts, and physical reactions, then brainstorm alternative, positive outcomes for each scenario. This practice encourages you to recognize patterns in your dread responses and trains your mind to pivot towards more optimistic possibilities, reducing the habitual assumption of the worst-case scenario.
- Develop a "control circle" diagram where you list factors related to your dread in two circles: one for things you can control and another for things you cannot. Focus on creating action plans for the elements within your control, which can empower you to take charge of your reactions to uncertainty and minimize feelings of helplessness.
- Engage in "scenario spinning" by taking a moment of dread and deliberately crafting multiple endings, ranging from neutral to positive. By doing this, you challenge the default negative bias and open up your perspective to include potential positive outcomes, which can help shift your mindset from dread to constructive uncertainty.
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Experiences with dread and anxiety
Experiencing dread can be a powerful and paralyzing emotion, as Mel Robbins and others share their personal encounters with this intense feeling of fear about the future.
Mel's flight turbulence experience illustrates the physiological and psychological impacts of dread, as she struggled to remain calm despite her husband's stoic composure.
Mel Robbins talks about a flight where she experienced severe turbulence, causing her mind to spiral into imagining catastrophic outcomes. She observed her husband, who appeared unaffected by the turbulence, meditating calmly with his eyes closed. Meanwhile, Mel's dread triggered a physical response; her body braced and tensed up as she noticed the crew moving hurriedly and the captain's voice hinting at alarm, worsening her fear. As the situation escalated, and air masks dropped amid the screams of her fellow passengers, Mel experienced a life-flashing-before-her-eyes moment, leading her to question her life choices and decide she no longer wanted to be a lawyer.
Dread triggered Mel's mind to spiral, imagining the worst-case scenarios and causing her physical body to brace and tense up.
Mel's dread increased as she searched for cues of nervousness in the flight attendants and reacted to the growing concern on the plane. Her dread led her to imagine not being able to see her children again, even visualizing her own funeral, thus amplifying the psychological distress she experienced.
Phil's experience with his father's cancer diagnosis demonstrates how dread can arise from uncertainty about the future, even when the medical prognosis is favorable.
Phil's father received a cancer diagnosis that, although treatable, left Phil with a pervasive sense of dread. T ...
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Experiences with dread and anxiety
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Counterarguments
- Dread and anxiety are natural human responses but can be managed through various techniques, suggesting that they don't always have to be paralyzing if individuals have the right tools and support.
- While Mel Robbins' experience is valid, it's also true that different people react differently to fear and stress, and some may not experience dread as intensely in similar situations.
- The physiological response to dread, such as tensing up, is not universal; some individuals might experience a fight-or-flight response, while others may freeze or even find calmness in high-stress situations.
- Phil's proactive approach to his father's cancer diagnosis is commendable, but it's important to acknowledge that not everyone may be able to focus on controllable aspects due to various factors like personality, previous experiences, or the severity of the situation.
- The idea that dread arises from uncertainty might be too simplisti ...
Actionables
- Create a "dread journal" to document and analyze your fears. When you feel dread creeping in, write down the specific fear, the trigger, and the worst-case scenario you're imagining. Then, challenge each point with evidence from your past experiences where you've overcome similar feelings or situations. This practice can help you identify patterns in your thinking and develop a more rational response to dread.
- Develop a "dread emergency kit" with items that help ground you in the present. This could include a stress ball, a list of affirmations, a small vial of a calming scent like lavender, and a playlist of songs that boost your mood. When you feel dread taking hold, use these tools to distract your mind from spiraling and bring your focus back to the present moment.
- Engage in "scenario ...
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The psychological and physiological impacts of dread
The psychological experience of dread not only hijacks thoughts and emotions but can also trigger physiological responses such as increased heart rate and tension.
Dread hijacks your thoughts and emotions, causing you to assume the worst will happen and overriding your ability to think rationally.
Mel Robbins discusses the experience of dread, stating that its psychological impact can paralyze an individual. This feeling may arise suddenly, accompanied by a sinking feeling and a sense of bracing for impact. Robbins points out that when someone dreads an outcome, they've already convinced themselves that the situation will be dire. This leads to avoidance of situations and a state of being stuck in a negative space.
The fight-or-flight response triggered by dread puts your body in a state of heightened tension and stress, which can be detrimental to your well-being.
The physiological reaction to dread includes physical manifestations like a racing heart and overall tension. Robbins describes her own experience on a plane where she imagined dire scenarios and panicked internally, which led to hypervigilance and a heightened focus on potential danger, despite no real threat. Robbins further explains that focusing on negative outcomes can set off an alarm system in the body, throwing one into a fight, flight, or freeze state which evolved as a survival mechanism.
Dread can lead to avoidance behaviors, as people may procrastinate or withdraw from situations they dread, further perpetuating the problem.
The experience of dread leads to avoidance behaviors such as procrastination or withdrawal. For instance, Robbins felt dread before a flight and found herself unable to focus on anything other than the potential for disaster, even though rational thought told her there was no real danger. This proves that dread can cause a death spiral of thoughts, constraining one's perspective and causing someone to fixate solely on negative possi ...
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The psychological and physiological impacts of dread
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Clarifications
- Dread is a deep sense of fear or anxiety about something that may happen in the future. It can lead to negative thoughts, physical symptoms like increased heart rate, and a feeling of being stuck in a cycle of worry and avoidance. The psychological impact of dread can cause individuals to focus solely on worst-case scenarios, leading to stress and a sense of impending doom. This mental state can trigger the body's fight-or-flight response, preparing it for potential danger even when no real threat exists.
- The fight-or-flight response is a natural reaction triggered by perceived threats or stress. It prepares the body to either confront the danger or flee from it. This response involves the release of stress hormones like adrenaline, which can increase heart rate, sharpen focus, and boost physical abilities temporarily. The fight-or-flight response is an evolutionary mechanism that helped our ancestors survive in dangerous situations by quickly mobilizing the body's resources for action.
- The physiological manifestations of dread include increased heart rate, muscle tension, and a heightened state of stress. When experiencing dread, the body can enter a fight-or-flight response, preparing to confront or escape perceived threats. These physical reactions are triggered by the brain's perception of potential danger, even if the threat is not real. Dread can lead to hypervigilance and a focus on negative outcomes, activating the body's stress response system.
- ...
Counterarguments
- While dread can lead to negative thinking and physiological stress responses, it can also serve as a protective mechanism, alerting individuals to potential dangers and encouraging caution in decision-making.
- The assumption that dread always overrides rational thinking may not account for individual differences in coping strategies and resilience. Some people may experience dread but still maintain the ability to think rationally and act accordingly.
- Avoidance behaviors are not always negative; in some cases, they can be adaptive strategies that allow individuals to manage their emotional responses and prepare for challenging situations more effectively.
- Focusing on negative possibilities is not inherently bad and can sometimes lead to better preparation and risk management. It is the balance between negative and positive outlooks that is crucial, rather than the complete absence of dread.
- The physiological responses associated wit ...
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Strategies for managing and overcoming dread
Managing and overcoming dread can be achieved through various strategies, as described by experts like Robbins. Practical techniques, a shift in mindset, and taking proactive steps are all part of the approach.
Implementing practical techniques like box breathing can help calm your physiological stress response and regain a sense of control.
Robbins recommends box breathing as an effective method to calm down during moments of dread. This involves breathing in for four seconds, holding for four seconds, breathing out for four seconds, and then holding again for four seconds, to signal to your body that you're safe and can move out of fight-or-flight mode. Robbins describes this technique as one to calm the nervous system and settle the subconscious bracing that occurs during stress responses. During an episode of dread, Robbins personally used box breathing to calm herself down, suggesting that this tool can be used to manage fear, even during intense situations like fearing a plane might crash.
Breathing exercises that slow your breathing signal to your body that you are safe, allowing you to move out of the fight-or-flight mode.
Mel Robbins discusses using box breathing to signal to your body that you’re okay by slowing down your breathing. She explains that this technique is crucial during moments of feeling braced, such as facing turbulence on an airplane or other stressful events. Additionally, Robbins' self-soothing technique, where she places her hand on her heart and reassures herself, is likened to box breathing. Visualizing positive outcomes coupled with these breathing techniques can assist in stabilizing physical states despite ongoing stress factors.
Consciously shifting your mindset from dread to uncertainty can empower you to consider more hopeful possibilities rather than catastrophizing.
Robbins suggests replacing the word "dread" with "uncertainty" to open up the possibility of positive outcomes and lessen the feeling of bracing against something negative. Acknowledging uncertainty and using it to feel more freedom rather than assuming the worst-case scenario is advised. Robbins points out the essential recognition of power in one's situation; for instance, understanding that one isn't limited to a single job can help break the cycle of dread. By recognizing the onset of dread and reframing thought processes, it’s possible to ask oneself "what if everything works out," shifting the focus from dread to considering uncertainty and what is within one's control.
Recognizing that you cannot control all the outcomes, but can control your thoughts, actions, and attitude, can help you navigate uncertain situations with greater resilience.
Robbins emphasizes the importance of recognizing that while we cannot change dreadful situations, such as the inevitability of attending ...
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Strategies for managing and overcoming dread
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While box breathing can be effective for many, it may not work for everyone. Some individuals might find other techniques like progressive muscle relaxation or mindfulness meditation more effective in managing stress responses.
- Breathing exercises are a short-term solution and may not address the root causes of dread. Long-term therapy or counseling might be necessary for some individuals to fully overcome their feelings of dread.
- Shifting mindset from dread to uncertainty might not be easy or possible for everyone, especially for those with anxiety disorders or those who have experienced trauma. These individuals may require professional support to change their thought patterns.
- The idea that one can control thoughts, actions, and attitude is an oversimplification. External factors such as mental health conditions, environmental stressors, and socioeconomic status can significantly impact a person's ability to exercise control over these aspects.
- Proactive steps to address sources of dread can ...
Actionables
- Create a personalized stress-response playlist with songs that have varying tempos, starting with faster beats and gradually moving to slower, calming tunes to mimic the effect of slowing your breath.
- By listening to this playlist during stressful times, you can use the rhythm of the music to guide your breathing pace without focusing directly on breathwork. The gradual decrease in tempo can naturally encourage your body to relax, mirroring the effects of intentional breathing exercises.
- Develop a 'possibility journal' where you write down one uncertain situation each day and brainstorm various positive outcomes or opportunities it could lead to.
- This practice encourages you to shift your perspective from dread to curiosity about the future. By regularly identifying the silver linings or growth opportunities in uncertain scenarios, you train your mind to associate uncertainty with potential rather than fear.
- Initiate a 'change one thing' challenge for yourself, where each ...
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