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Podcasts > The Mel Robbins Podcast > Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End

Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End

By Stitcher

On The Mel Robbins Podcast, Alua Arthur explores how acknowledging mortality can inspire us to live more authentically. As a death doula, Arthur provides holistic care for the dying and their loved ones, offering insight into end-of-life planning and the grieving process.

Arthur and Robbins examine how confronting the reality of death, rather than avoiding it, empowers personal growth and helps reshape priorities. They delve into the value of vulnerability when navigating difficult relationships with the deceased, as well as how to find meaning and leave a meaningful legacy through aligned living.

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Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End

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Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End

1-Page Summary

Death and Mortality as Tools for Personal Growth

Alua Arthur states that recognizing mortality can spur one to live more authentically, in alignment with one's purpose and values. According to Mel Robbins, envisioning the person you want to be at life's end can shape current priorities toward embodying that vision.

Overcoming the Discomfort of Death

Arthur notes that society avoids discussions about mortality, but being open to confronting death can be empowering and revitalizing. Robbins adds that such discussions provoke fears, but not having them leaves us unprepared.

The Role of a Death Doula

As a death doula, Arthur provides comprehensive emotional, logistical, and spiritual care for the dying and loved ones. This includes end-of-life planning, collaborating with medical staff, and advocating for the individual's wishes. Arthur also facilitates personal reflection by encouraging people to confront mortality as a means for authentic living.

Arthur emphasizes acknowledging the full truth about complex relationships with the deceased to validate all experiences. She encourages open grieving without judgment, as grief evolves over one's life. Arthur expresses the value of expressing anger and frustration during mourning.

Leaving a Meaningful Legacy

Arthur says one's impact through relationships and interactions shapes their true legacy, which motivates people to live aligned with their values. Robbins suggests reflecting on how we want to be remembered and planning life experiences accordingly. Arthur advises embracing the deceased's full humanity when honoring their life.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While recognizing mortality can inspire authentic living, some individuals may find this focus on death to be anxiety-inducing rather than motivating.
  • Envisioning the person one wants to be at life's end might be too abstract or distant for some to effectively shape current priorities, which may be more influenced by immediate concerns and practicalities.
  • The idea that confronting death is universally empowering and revitalizing may not hold true for everyone, as cultural, personal, and psychological factors can significantly alter one's response to mortality.
  • Discussions about mortality, while potentially beneficial, may not always leave individuals better prepared for death, as theoretical understanding does not necessarily equate to emotional readiness.
  • The role of a death doula, though valuable, may not be accepted or understood by all cultures or individuals, who may have different approaches to death and dying.
  • Personal reflection on mortality as a means for authentic living might not resonate with everyone, as some may find meaning and authenticity through other aspects of life that do not involve contemplating death.
  • The encouragement of open grieving without judgment, while ideal, may not acknowledge the societal and cultural norms that shape how individuals are expected to express grief.
  • The notion that expressing anger and frustration during mourning is valuable may conflict with certain cultural or personal beliefs about maintaining composure or positivity in the face of loss.
  • The idea that one's true legacy is shaped through relationships and interactions may be challenged by the view that legacies can also be built through personal achievements, contributions to society, or other forms of success.
  • Reflecting on how one wants to be remembered to guide life experiences assumes that individuals have a degree of control over their legacy, which may not account for unforeseen circumstances or the interpretations of others.
  • The advice to embrace the deceased's full humanity when honoring their life may not be feasible for those who have experienced trauma or abuse at the hands of the deceased.

Actionables

  • Create a "Legacy Letter" to articulate your values and the impact you wish to have on others, which can serve as a personal guide for your actions and decisions. Start by writing down the qualities you admire in others and how you can embody those qualities in your daily life. Reflect on past experiences where you felt you made a positive impact and consider how you can replicate or expand on those actions.
  • Develop a "Mortality Mindfulness" routine by setting aside a few minutes each day to contemplate your life's finiteness, which can help prioritize your daily activities. During this time, think about what matters most to you and whether your current lifestyle aligns with those values. Use this reflection to make small, tangible changes to your routine that bring you closer to the person you want to be.
  • Initiate a "Grief Expression" journal where you freely express all emotions related to loss or thoughts about death, which can foster a healthier relationship with mortality. Write without censorship, allowing yourself to explore feelings of sadness, anger, or even relief. Over time, review your entries to observe how your emotions evolve, providing insight into your personal grieving process and helping you understand your unique process of mourning.

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Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End

Death and mortality as a tool for personal growth and living authentically

Alua Arthur and Mel Robbins address the profound impact of contemplating our own mortality on personal growth and living a more authentic life.

Embracing death as a means to gain clarity and authenticity in life

The notion of facing our own death, despite its discomfort, is positioned as a unique source of clarity and authentication for life. Alua Arthur mentions that recognizing our mortality can spur us to live more purposefully and in alignment with our true selves. She states that thinking about her own death allows her to evaluate her satisfaction with her current actions and motivates change if needed. This acknowledgment of death helps to assess life choices, from work and relationships to self-care, and prompts planning for one's physical body after death.

Recognizing that our mortality can motivate us to live more purposefully and in alignment with our true selves

Arthur speaks to the common deathbed regrets of not living authentically for oneself, such as wishing to have lived life on their own terms, instead of for parents, society, partners, or children. Similarly, Alua Arthur reflects gratitude for life, recognizing the full spectrum from joy to grief. She connects this gratitude with living in her purpose and spreads her message, hoping her last words will reflect a conscious acknowledgment of life's value up to the end.

Using contemplation of one's death to inform how one wants to live the remainder of their life

Mel Robbins highlights contemplating death as a compelling opportunity to reshape one's life in alignment with the vision of who they want to be at life's end. Alua Arthur emphasizes that envisioning the kind of person you want to be, informed by contemplating your death, can guide you towards a life to be proud of. It forced Arthur to realize she desired to live fully and was far from being that person, prompting her decision for change.

Envisioning the person you want to be at the time of your death and aligning your current actions and priorities to embody that vision

Arthur points to her death as her greatest teacher, pushing her to ensure her happiness with her actions while alive. Yearly reflection on end-of-life questions helps measure current life satisfaction and consider who to express love or forgiveness to.

To encourage this contemplation, students in the Going With Grace End of Life Training Program are asked about their preferred death and funeral, emphasizing the importance of legacy and influencing how they live now.

Overcoming the societal discomfort with discussing and confronting mortality

There is societal discomfort with discussing and accept ...

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Death and mortality as a tool for personal growth and living authentically

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While contemplating mortality can motivate some to live more purposefully, others may find it induces anxiety or paralysis rather than inspiration.
  • The idea that acknowledging death helps assess life choices assumes that individuals have the psychological readiness and support to handle such contemplation, which may not be the case for everyone.
  • The concept of using death as a guide for current actions might not resonate with those who focus on present experiences and find meaning in the immediacy of life rather than its end.
  • Yearly reflection on end-of-life questions could be distressing for some and might not necessarily lead to increased life satisfaction if it triggers existential dread.
  • The encouragement to discuss mortality openly does not account for cultural differences where death is a private matter or approached in ways that do not involve direct confrontation or discussion.
  • The notion that fear and avoidance of ...

Actionables

  • Create a "Mortality Mindfulness" journal where you dedicate a few minutes each day to write about how the awareness of mortality influences your daily choices. This could involve reflecting on decisions you've made that day with the perspective of their long-term significance, or how they align with your values and the legacy you wish to leave behind.
  • Develop a "Reverse Bucket List" that lists experiences or achievements you've already completed that were meaningful to you. This can help you recognize the value of your past actions and how they contribute to a life well-lived, reinforcing the motivation to continue making purposeful choices.
  • Initiate a "Life's Milestones Timeline" whe ...

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In this guide, we’ll start by explaining how Jackson’s fearlessness helped him overcome his hardships and achieve power and success. Next, we’ll discuss the rules Jackson and Greene say are necessary to follow to become fearless and principles that’ll help you follow each one. In our commentary, we’ll supplement Jackson and Greene’s advice with recommendations from other experts on success, like Daniel Walter (The Power of Discipline). We’ll also compare the ideas in this book to those in some of Greene’s previous works, including The 48 Laws of Power.

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Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End

The role and responsibilities of a death doula

Alua Arthur, a death doula and founder of Going With Grace, sheds light on the comprehensive support death doulas provide to those nearing the end of their lives and their loved ones, ensuring that physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are addressed in a compassionate manner.

Providing comprehensive emotional, logistical, and spiritual support for the dying and their loved ones

Death doulas play a crucial role in assisting the dying and their families through the process of death. Arthur says, "When people are healthy, we can help them create comprehensive end of life plans... When people know what they're going to be dying of... we can support them in creating the most ideal death for themselves."

Assisting with end-of-life planning, practical affairs, and creating a meaningful dying experience

Arthur emphasizes the importance of having plans set and considering what can be done now to avoid leaving a mess for others by helping with practical end-of-life planning. This includes engaging in conversations about end-of-life wishes and guiding individuals through processing their end-of-life realities. Arthur also mentions that death doulas help in initiating these critical discussions, sometimes using the deaths of friends or celebrities as conversation starters. Arthur also assists with specific end-of-life plans that honor the deceased's wishes, such as her preference for a green burial. The Going With Grace End of Life Training Program teaches individuals how to assist with end-of-life planning and create meaningful dying experiences, indicating the depth of a death doula's role.

Collaborating with hospice and medical professionals to ensure a holistic approach to end-of-life care

Arthur says that the role is "collaborative, it's supportive," as death doulas can work with people much further upstream or alongside those already on hospice. Death doulas also advocate for the dying individual's wishes and preferences in collaboration with medical professionals.

Advocating for the dying individual's wishes and preferences

Death doulas ensure that a person's post-mortem wishes and values are respected and executed. They may guide conversations or remain silent, based on the dying individual's needs, always respecting their agency and choices.

Helping people confront their mortality and use it as a catalyst for personal reflection and change

Arthur sees conver ...

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The role and responsibilities of a death doula

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While death doulas provide valuable support, their services may not be accessible or affordable for everyone, potentially creating disparities in end-of-life care.
  • The role of death doulas might overlap with that of other professionals like social workers, hospice staff, or spiritual care providers, which could lead to confusion or redundancy in care.
  • Some individuals or cultures may have different approaches to death and dying that do not align with the services offered by a death doula.
  • The effectiveness of death doulas in improving end-of-life experiences is a subject that requires more empirical research to validate their impact.
  • There may be ethical considerations regarding the extent to which a death doula influences end-of-life decisions and how this influence is managed.
  • The conce ...

Actionables

  • You can start a personal reflection journal focused on mortality to explore your feelings and thoughts about death, which can lead to a deeper understanding of your values and how you want to live. Begin by writing down your initial thoughts on mortality, then gradually delve into more profound questions like what you want your legacy to be, how you wish to be remembered, and what you can do now to align your life with those desires.
  • Create a "Life File" that includes all your important documents, wishes for end-of-life care, and personal reflections to ease the burden on loved ones and ensure your preferences are known. This file could contain a living will, power of attorney, funeral preferences, and letters to loved ones. Update this file annually to reflect any changes in your wishes or circumstances.
  • Engage in a creative project, such as a photo essay ...

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Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End

Navigating end-of-life relationships and the grieving process

Navigating the complexities of end-of-life relationships and the grieving process can be a challenging experience. Alua Arthur provides guidance on how to approach the many facets of this sensitive time.

Addressing complicated or unresolved relationships with the dying or deceased

Those dealing with the impending or recent loss of someone may grapple with a mélange of emotions born out of complicated or unresolved aspects of their relationships. Arthur recounts a story of an elderly client who was not a nurturing parent and as a result, her children felt reluctant to be with her at her deathbed despite her desire for a final farewell.

Acknowledging the full truth about the nature of the relationship, both positive and negative

Arthur underscores the significance of acknowledging the truthfulness of who the deceased were in life, avoiding the impulse to portray them as perfect beings. She makes it clear that telling the full story of someone's life—including the good, the bad, and the ugly—validates the wide-ranging experiences and emotions of all who were connected to the deceased.

Allowing grief to be expressed without needing to cast the deceased as a saint

Arthur elaborates on the concept that speaking the truth about our feelings and relationships is important while people are still alive. Through this, she points out that recognitions of truth allow for genuine expressions of loss and grief that respect the deceased's full character.

Supporting loved ones through the grieving process with empathy and without judgment

During the grieving process, it's imperative to provide support through empathy and without judgment, as everyone experiences grief differently and at their own pace.

Recognizing that grief is a lifelong journey that evolves in form rather than disappearing

Arthur shares her personal story, continuing to experience emotions related to the passing of her brother-in-law. She speak ...

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Navigating end-of-life relationships and the grieving process

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While acknowledging the full truth about a relationship is important, some may argue that focusing on positive memories can be a more healing approach for certain individuals, as it can help them find peace and closure.
  • The idea of not casting the deceased as a saint may not resonate with everyone; some cultures and individuals prefer to honor the dead by remembering them in the best light possible, which can be a part of their grieving and healing process.
  • While supporting loved ones with empathy and without judgment is ideal, some might point out that there are times when guidance or gentle confrontation is necessary, especially if the grieving process leads to harmful behaviors.
  • The concept that grief is a lifelong journey might be too generalized; some individuals may experience grief that does diminish sig ...

Actionables

  • Create a personal grief journal where you write letters to the deceased, expressing all the nuanced feelings you have about them. This can be a safe space to acknowledge the good and the bad without the pressure of external judgment. For example, you might write about a fond memory in one entry and in another, detail a particular resentment or unresolved issue, allowing you to process these complex emotions privately.
  • Develop a 'grief toolkit' that includes various forms of expression, such as art supplies for drawing emotions, a playlist of music that resonates with your feelings, or a collection of poems that articulate the grief experience. When you feel overwhelmed, choose an activity from your toolkit to help channel your emotions. For instance, painting an abstract piece that captures your mood on a tough day can be a cathartic release.
  • Start a virtual support group with friends or acquaintances who are also ...

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Don’t Learn This Too Late: Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End

Leaving a meaningful legacy and honoring one's life

Mel Robbins and Alua Arthur address the profound nature of legacy, suggesting it encompasses much more than material achievements or social stature.

Legacy is not just about accomplishments, but about who you are and how you've touched others

The conversation turns to the idea that one's legacy is not solely comprised of accomplishments or wealth. Arthur mentioned that funerals typically underscore how an individual affected others through acts of kindness, generosity, or thoughtfulness. She shared the story of an unhoused man whose daily interactions had a significant impact on a community member. This story illustrates that everyone, regardless of society's view of their influence, can leave a profound legacy through their relationships and interactions.

Actively reflecting on and shaping the legacy you want to leave behind

Arthur discusses importance of contemplation regarding one's legacy and how it can motivate one's actions. The loss of her brother-in-law Peter lead Arthur to find a "real purpose," prompting her to become a death doula, start a company, and teach others. This example shows how someone's legacy can inspire others. Arthur underscores the significance of considering the legacy we are crafting each day. She suggests annual reflection on one's birthday as a strategy to pursue a fulfilling life—presumably shaping the legacy one leaves.

Considering how you want to be remembered and the values you want to embody

Arthur encourages people to think about the type of services and celebrations they want after death, how to care for possessions and dependents, and all crucial information to compile. She advises to look at life as a timeline and to consider what experiences one wants to have to shape their desired legacy. She expresses her hope that people will remember her for living with grace and being generous, present, and caring.

Celebrating a person's life in a way that reflects their authentic self, both positive and negative

The discussion includes intentional living to avoid regrets, embodying one's values, and actively shaping the legacy one wants to leave behind. Arthur prompts reflection t ...

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Leaving a meaningful legacy and honoring one's life

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • Legacy might be influenced by factors beyond individual control, such as socio-economic circumstances, which can limit the ability to shape one's legacy.
  • The concept of legacy can create pressure to live life in a certain way, potentially leading to stress or dissatisfaction if one's desired legacy is not achievable.
  • The focus on legacy might detract from living in the present moment, as individuals may become overly concerned with how they will be remembered in the future.
  • Not everyone may agree on what constitutes a "profound" legacy, as values and definitions of success vary greatly across cultures and individuals.
  • The idea of using death as a catalyst for living a fulfilling life could be seen as a morbid approach and may not resonate with everyone's worldview or beliefs about death.
  • Reflecting annually on one's legacy might not be frequent enough to truly influence daily actions and decisions.
  • The emphasis on leaving a legacy could overshadow the importance of systemic change and collective action in creating a better world for future generations.
  • Some individuals m ...

Actionables

  • Create a "Legacy Letter" to share your values and experiences with loved ones, detailing how you hope to influence their lives and the world, and update it annually to reflect personal growth.
  • Writing a letter to your family or friends that encapsulates your life lessons, values, and hopes for their futures can be a deeply personal way to consider your legacy. This letter can serve as a tangible reminder of your impact and can be revisited or added to as you evolve, ensuring that your legacy is communicated in your own words.
  • Start a "Memory Jar" where you and others can drop notes of meaningful interactions or lessons learned from each other throughout the year, then read them together during a special occasion.
  • By keeping a jar in a common area of your home, you invite family and friends to contribute memories and reflections on how you've touched each other's lives. This ongoing collection not only helps you see the immediate impact of your relationships but also creates a tradition that celebrates the everyday aspects of your legacy.
  • Implement a weekly "Intentional Action" hour where you focus solely on activ ...

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