How To Create Better Relationships: 6 Surprising Lessons From 28 Years Of Marriage
Mel Robbins and her husband Christopher share insights from their 28-year marriage in this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast. Drawing from personal experiences and wisdom imparted by Mel's parents, they emphasize that lasting relationships require ongoing dedication and fully "getting in the boat" together.
The episode delves into the value of accepting each other's unique qualities, openly communicating about needs, and navigating inevitable changes with flexibility. Listeners gain practical advice for nurturing relationships through deliberate effort, thoughtful gestures, and a "we stage" mindset.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Oct 28, 2024 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Commitment and dedication to the relationship
Mel Robbins and Christopher Robbins emphasize the importance of committed effort and actively working through challenges together. They highlight maintaining a steadfast resolve, even when difficulties arise, and recognize that relationships require ongoing effort. Mel's parents also advise that relationships involve both calm and stormy periods that partners must navigate together.
Mel stresses the need to be fully engaged in the relationship, rather than just passively hoping for success. She introduces the metaphor of "getting in the boat" and transitioning to a "we stage" mindset of collective investment in the relationship's needs.
Acceptance and unconditional love for your partner
Robbins imparts the value of embracing your partner's unique qualities and avoiding pressure to change or conform. She admits to initially struggling with her husband's introverted nature, but learned to cherish their differences.
Christopher highlights respecting each partner's contributions. Mel acknowledges his vital role enabling her success and expresses gratitude for his support inspiring her growth.
Intentional communication and consideration for your partner
The Robbins discuss openly conversing about needs and seeking mutual understanding beyond surface issues. They emphasize small, thoughtful gestures and "micromomo moments" to demonstrate care.
Mel advises assuming positive intent in your partner's actions to navigate tensions without causing harm. She suggests remembering their true, loving nature.
Navigating changes and transitions in the relationship
Christopher touches on roles shifting over time, requiring flexibility and open-mindedness. The Robbins adapted when incomes and responsibilities changed during financial difficulties.
They stress emotional presence amidst life's demands. Mel likens reconnecting to "refueling" the relationship through listening and engaging conversations that allow them to grow together.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While commitment and dedication are important, it's also necessary to recognize when a relationship is no longer healthy or beneficial for both parties, and that sometimes, the best decision might be to part ways.
- The idea of navigating calm and stormy periods together assumes that all challenges can be overcome as a couple, but individual growth and personal challenges may sometimes require individual attention rather than a joint approach.
- Being fully engaged in a relationship is ideal, but individuals must also maintain their own identities and personal space to ensure a balanced and healthy dynamic.
- Embracing your partner's unique qualities is important, but there should also be room for individuals to grow and change within the relationship, which may sometimes involve adapting or changing behaviors that are harmful or problematic.
- While respecting each partner's contributions is key, it's also important to address and resolve any imbalances in the relationship where one partner may be overburdened or undervalued.
- Open communication is crucial, but it's also important to recognize that some issues may require professional help or intervention, and not all problems can be solved through communication alone.
- Assuming positive intent is generally a good practice, but it's also important to address and discuss actions that hurt or disrespect one partner, rather than dismissing them.
- Flexibility and open-mindedness are necessary for navigating role shifts, but it's also important to establish clear boundaries and ensure that both partners' needs are being met.
- Emotional presence is important, but individuals also need to take care of their own emotional well-being and not solely rely on the relationship for emotional fulfillment.
- Reconnecting and refueling the relationship is beneficial, but it's also crucial to recognize that individual interests and pursuits are important for personal growth and can enrich the relationship.
Actionables
- Create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner to chart out personal and shared goals, ensuring you both contribute to the relationship's direction and growth. This can be a visual representation, like a poster or a digital document, where you both add aspirations, milestones, and strategies for overcoming potential challenges. It's a living document that you can revisit and update during monthly check-ins to reflect on progress and adapt to changes.
- Start a weekly "appreciation jar" where you each write down something you appreciated about the other person or their actions during the week, folding the notes and placing them in the jar. At the end of the month, have a special evening where you read the notes together. This practice encourages recognition of each other's efforts and reinforces the positive aspects of your relationship.
- Develop a "relationship care" habit tracker, similar to a habit-building app, but in a simple notebook or on a whiteboard, where you track daily or weekly small gestures or actions that demonstrate care and engagement. These could include things like making your partner's favorite meal, initiating a conversation about their day, or planning a surprise outing. The goal is to make these caring acts a regular part of your routine, fostering a deeper connection and understanding.
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Commitment and dedication to the relationship
Mel Robbins and Christopher Robbins share their insights on the importance of commitment and dedication in relationships, revealing how working together through challenges is crucial for long-term success.
Maintain a steadfast resolve to work through challenges together
Mel Robbins speaks to the essence of long-term commitment, emphasizing that even when one person in the relationship might wish to leave, there is a deeper recognition of the desire to complete the journey together. This commitment has been tested in Mel and Christopher’s relationship through "excruciatingly difficult situations and issues" such as severe financial challenges. Despite each partner's individual coping mechanisms, which included alcohol consumption, Mel and Christopher chose to make joint decisions to keep their family and home together.
Marsha and Bob Schnaburger, Mel's parents, reflect on their 56-year marriage, underlining that relationships must weather both "calm and stormy periods." Mel’s father likens a relationship to sailing a boat, where partners must be prepared for both high and low points and acknowledge that there are always two sides to every story.
Recognize that relationships require ongoing effort and a commitment to see the journey through, even in difficult times
When asked about enduring tough times, Mel’s parents stress the importance of the commitment made at the start of the relationship and the resolve to finish the journey together, signifying an unwavering dedication to one another.
Mel Robbins takes pride in the longevity of her relationship, implying that their lasting bond comes from a shared decision to face life’s hardships together. Mel insists on the significance of not just showing up but also being fully engaged during all phases, rather than merely being a bystander in the relationship.
Prioritize being "in the boat" and actively contributing to the relationship
Mel Robbins introduces the metaphor "get in the boat" to urge the necessity of active participation in a relationship. She admits to not always being fully engaged, particularly during difficult periods, and advises others to be present and committed to making their relationships flourish.
Compellingly, Robbins illustrates the evolution from individual efforts ("me stage") to collective investments ("we stage"), calling on partners to shift focus from personal contributions to the shared needs of the relationship. Rather than each partner solely focusing on their own responsibilities, Robbins underscores the need to have the other person's well-being in mind.
She also talks about the significance ...
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Commitment and dedication to the relationship
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While commitment is important, it's also necessary to recognize when a relationship is fundamentally unhealthy or abusive, and in such cases, staying committed may not be the best course of action.
- The idea of working through challenges together assumes that both partners have equal capacity and willingness to do so, which may not always be the case; individual circumstances can affect one's ability to contribute to resolving issues.
- The metaphor of being "in the boat" together might oversimplify complex relationship dynamics where individual needs and boundaries must also be respected and addressed.
- The emphasis on active contribution could inadvertently pressure individuals to stay and work on relationships even when they are personally depleted or when it might be healthier to take a step back or seek external support.
- The concept of "quietly quitting" the relationship does not account for the possibility that ...
Actionables
- Create a shared goals journal with your partner to track progress and challenges. By writing down mutual goals and the steps you're taking to achieve them, you can visualize your commitment and the efforts required to overcome obstacles. For example, if you're saving for a house, note down each contribution and discuss any financial challenges openly.
- Schedule a monthly "relationship audit" where you and your partner assess how actively you're contributing to the relationship. Use this time to give each other feedback, celebrate successes, and plan how to address any areas where one might be disengaged. Think of it like a team meeting where the team's health – your relationship – is the focus.
- Develop a "we're in this together" ritual that reinf ...
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Acceptance and unconditional love for your partner
Mel Robbins imparts the significance of accepting and loving your partner for who they are. She shares insights from her own marriage to illustrate the journey of embracing unconditional love.
Embrace your partner's unique qualities and characteristics, even if they differ from your own
Robbins reflects on how she has learned to cherish her husband for his true self, resisting the urge to press him into change. She admits to previously trying to mirror her partners' interests in her earlier relationships to the point of dishonesty, like pretending to enjoy fly-fishing. However, she notes the beauty in their marriage comes from their differences and her husband’s acceptance of her—illustrated by his understanding of her habits like waking up late and not sharing his interests in certain sports or hobbies.
Avoid pressuring your partner to change or conform to your expectations
Robbins emphasizes the importance of avoiding the imposition of change upon a partner. She admits that she initially struggled with her husband Christopher’s introverted nature and her desire for him to be more extroverted, recognizing it as an unfair expectation.
Recognize the value each person brings to the relationship in their own way
Christopher Robbins highlights the necessity of each partner in a relationship listening to and thinking about the other, thus respecting the unique contribution they make.
Mel Robbins stresses that moving beyond surface level arguments helped them see the value and deeper ...
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Acceptance and unconditional love for your partner
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While embracing and loving your partner for who they are is important, it's also necessary to recognize that personal growth and change can be beneficial for both individuals and the relationship.
- Valuing and appreciating your partner's unique qualities is key, but it's also important to address and work through any significant differences that may cause conflict or harm to the relationship.
- Avoiding pressure to change is generally good advice, but in some cases, partners may need to encourage change, especially if certain behaviors are unhealthy or destructive.
- Recognizing the value each person brings to the relationship is crucial, but it's also important to strive for a balance of contribution where both partners feel equally invested and valued.
- Appreciating your partner's strengths is important, but it's also necessary to constructively address weaknesses ...
Actionables
- Create a 'partner appreciation journal' where you write down one unique quality or action of your partner each day that you value. This practice helps you focus on the positive aspects of your partner and reinforces your appreciation for them. For example, if your partner made you laugh when you were feeling down, jot that down. Over time, this journal becomes a testament to the love and appreciation you have for your partner's uniqueness.
- Develop a 'strengths spotlight' routine where once a week during a meal together, you and your partner take turns highlighting a strength or contribution the other has made. This could be as simple as thanking your partner for their patience during a stressful situation or for their help with household chores. This routine ensures that both partners feel valued for their specific contributions, beyond just resolving conflicts.
- Initiate a monthly 'support recap' session where you reflect on and ...
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Intentional communication and consideration for your partner
Christopher and Mel Robbins discuss the importance of being mindful of one another to maintain a healthy relationship. Central to their dialogue is the active effort to understand and honor each other's needs and the expression of this understanding through both words and actions.
Actively listen and seek to understand your partner's perspective and needs
The couple values the ability to acknowledge and delve into deeper discussions regarding their needs and perspectives beyond surface-level concerns. For instance, Mel Robbins underlines the significance of discussing financial needs clearly, as these topics are often avoided, leading to resentment. By sincerely conversing about needs, the partners show not only that they listen, but that they seek a mutual understanding.
Demonstrate thoughtfulness and care through small, meaningful gestures
Christopher focuses on little moments like making eye contact or a gentle touch, which serve as powerful connections for the couple. He shares that such gestures aren’t just for his benefit—they are also for Mel to feel seen and heard. The Robbins expand on how these small acts, like cutting flowers or getting coffee, become symbols of thoughtfulness and consideration. These "micromo moments," as Christopher puts it, contribute significantly to their bond.
Pay attention to the things that are important to your partner and make an effort to show you have them in mind
Christopher learned the depth of meaning behind gifting flowers, a reflection of Mel’s interest in gardening. He acknowledges that it's necessary to gain insight into what your partner genuinely values, suggesting partners ask each other if there might be more they can do to demonstrate their care and consid ...
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Intentional communication and consideration for your partner
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While discussing deeper needs is important, some individuals may not be as verbally expressive or self-aware, making such discussions challenging and potentially leading to frustration or miscommunication.
- Clear discussions about financial needs are crucial, but they can also be stressful and may require careful timing and approach to avoid conflict, especially if the partners have different values or stress levels related to money.
- Active effort to understand and honor each other's needs is essential, but it's also important to recognize that individuals may have limitations in how much they can understand or meet their partner's needs due to their own emotional or cognitive capacities.
- Small gestures are meaningful, but they should not replace addressing larger issues within the relationship; they can sometimes be used to gloss over or avoid dealing with more significant problems.
- Physical gestures like eye contact or touch are important, but they may not be as valued by all individuals, depending on their personal preferences or cultural backgrounds.
- Paying attention to what is important to your partner is key, but it's also ne ...
Actionables
- Create a "needs and appreciations" journal where you write down observations about your partner's deeper needs and your efforts to meet them, as well as things you appreciate about them. This practice encourages mindfulness about your partner's values and promotes a habit of recognizing their positive traits, which can help prevent misunderstandings and resentment.
- Develop a "gesture bank" by listing small, personalized actions that you know would mean a lot to your partner, like making their favorite meal or arranging a surprise outing to a place they love. Refer to this list regularly to choose gestures that show you're attentive to their interests, helping to strengthen your connection.
- Initiate a monthly "intentions rev ...
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Navigating changes and transitions in the relationship
Christopher and Mel Robbins discuss the importance of flexibility and communication in adjusting to evolving roles within their relationship and the necessity of maintaining an emotional connection through the challenges of daily life.
Embrace flexibility and a willingness to adapt to new roles and responsibilities
Christopher Robbins touches upon the dynamic roles that individuals play within a partnership, with particular attention to how these roles and the balance of contributions may need to shift over time. Mel Robbins candidly shares that when Christopher started to out-earn her, they faced the necessity of adjusting to new roles within their relationship. She also emphasizes the value of the primary caregiver role, advocating for recognition of the caregiving partner's economic contributions, despite these not being visible on the relationship's balance sheet.
During the financial crisis, Mel and Christopher experienced a switch in their income contributions. Mel began earning through various jobs, while Christopher left the restaurant business and took on the primary parenting role.
A toxic dynamic emerged when Mel became the sole earner and felt entitled to make unilateral decisions. Christopher Robbins reflects on this period as a time of personal growth, which would not have been possible if he had continued on his original corporate path. He notes that he became the spiritual rock for their family, pursuing spiritual psychology and starting a men's retreat.
The Robbins acknowledge the importance of open-mindedness and a willingness to re-evaluate roles to play to each partner's strengths, highlighting how they adapted to such changes in their relationship.
Prioritize emotional connection and presence, even amidst the demands of daily life
Mel Robbins refers to the concept of being "in the boat" with her partner as a metaphor for commitment to active engagement and presence in the relationship. They discuss a challenging period in their lives where they felt like they were in separate boats du ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Navigating changes and transitions in the relationship
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While flexibility is important, some individuals or couples may thrive with more structure and defined roles, finding that too much flexibility can lead to confusion or lack of direction.
- The economic value of the caregiving role is significant, but not all couples may agree on how to quantify or recognize these contributions, which could lead to disagreements.
- Adjusting roles during financial crises can be necessary, but it can also place additional stress on relationships if not managed carefully and with mutual support.
- Personal growth is important, but focusing too much on individual development can sometimes come at the expense of the relationship if not balanced properly.
- Open-mindedness is generally positive, but there can be core values or boundaries that individuals may not want to compromise on, even if it means re-evaluating roles.
- Emotional connection and presence are crucial, but for some couples, practical or logistical communication may be equally important to maintain the relationship's stability.
- Intentional moments of connection are valuable, but they may no ...
Actionables
- Create a "role evolution diary" where you and your partner can document how your roles in the relationship have changed over time. This diary can serve as a reflective tool to visualize the adaptability and growth in your partnership. For example, note down when one of you takes on a new responsibility or when you switch roles in certain tasks, and discuss how these changes have affected your relationship dynamics.
- Develop a "caregiver appreciation jar" where you write down and collect notes of appreciation for the caregiving partner's efforts. Each note can highlight a specific instance where the caregiving contributed to the family's well-being, whether it's emotional support or managing the household. This tangible recognition can help in valuing the non-financial contributions within the relationship.
- Initiate a monthly "connection ritual" wh ...
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