Focus on Yourself: 3 Signs You’re Giving Too Much & What to Do About It Right Now

Pooja Lakshmin and Mel Robbins discuss the deeper meaning of self-care beyond superficial actions, emphasizing that effective self-care should permeate every decision and that wellness tools need to be backed by a deeper understanding and perspective.

Self-care is not just the "things" you do, but the deeper principles and perspectives that guide those actions

Pooja Lakshmin explains that self-care goes beyond mere actions like going to bed early. Self-care reflects the multiple decisions leading up to that moment and varies between individuals; one person might need a bedtime of 11 PM, while another requires 7 PM. The core of real self-care is not about the superficial acts themselves, such as taking bubble baths, but rather it involves the internal work, like setting boundaries and reflecting on personal values. True self-care, Lakshmin states, must be a consistent aspect woven through every aspect of one's life.

Superficial self-care like bubble baths and face masks don't address the true causes of burnout and overwhelm

Lakshmin suggests that common perceptions of self-care—such as indulgence in relaxation activities—fail to tackle issues leading to stress and burnout. Burnout itself is manifested through feelings such as meaninglessness in actions, leading to cynicism and the sense that one's efforts have no impact. True self-care, therefore, must address the roots of these feelings, including personal and systemic issues.

True self-care is a verb, not a noun - it's a way of being that is threaded through all your decisions

Lakshmin highlights that real self-care is an ongoing practice, not a singular action or activity. She proposes that true self-care should be integral to life's fabric, affecting every choice, from attending a yoga class to choosing a job or even a life partner. Mel Robbins notes that understanding the deeper reasons why acts of self-care matter is crucial.

Robbins also mentions how important actions like advocating for oneself, asking for needs, and respecting self-awareness contribute to true self-care. This includes moments like insisting on the correct pronunciation of one's name, which may seem small but are affirmations of self-respect and power reclaiming.

Wellness has given us methods ...

In a quest to understand the difficulties and inner experiences associated with setting boundaries, Mel Robbins and Dr. Pooja Lakshmin delve into the emotional barriers often encountered, namely guilt and selfishness, and the positive impact of boundary-setting.

Guilt and selfishness are the two main emotional barriers to setting effective boundaries

Mel Robbins explains the challenge many face in saying no or establishing personal boundaries due to the guilt experienced in letting someone down and the perception of being selfish. The need to reclaim time, energy, and peace often entails setting necessary boundaries, which can evoke feelings of guilt or selfishness.

Guilt can be seen as just one thought or feeling passing through, not something that needs to control your decisions

Dr. Pooja Lakshmin addresses guilt as a primary reason her patients struggle with boundary-setting. She equates the feeling to a passing thought, like a plate of sushi on a conveyor belt, which doesn't have to dominate one's actions. Guilt is identified as a transient emotion that one can learn to tolerate and reduce to a whisper, preventing it from dictating behavior. This perspective encourages individuals not to allow guilt to have overarching power in decision-making.

Selfishness is often viewed in black-and-white terms, when the healthiest approach is to find a middle ground between selfless and selfish

Lakshmin also confronts the often black-and-white view of selfishness, advocating instead for a middle-ground approach. She notes that shifting from one extreme to the other – from total selflessness to complete selfishness – is not ideal. Instead, she recommends making decisions that occasionally favor personal preferences, existing in the healthier, nuanced shades of gray.

Boundaries create the space and pause to reconnect with your own values, needs, and agency

Not only do boundaries prevent the drainage of our resources, but they also reintroduce us to our own values, needs, and agency. Lakshmin views boundaries as an "existential space in between," a flexible trampoline that allows for negotiation, adapting, and response, rather than rigid brick walls.

Boundaries are like flexible trampolines, not rigid brick walls, allowing you to get your needs met while being responsive

When set constructively, boundaries enable rest, recovery, and self-care, and this is crucial for balance ...

In a society where over-extension is commonplace, learning to set boundaries effectively is a crucial skill for managing well-being. Pooja Lakshmin, Mel Robbins, and other experts offer insight into how to start setting boundaries to reclaim control over one’s life.

Start small by noticing how different tasks and situations make you feel, rather than jumping straight to big boundary changes

The advice begins with recognizing how small actions can lead to significant changes in boundary setting.

Pay attention to where you feel dread, boredom, or lack of energy, as clues for where you need to set boundaries

Lakshmin and Robbins recommend starting with small adjustments that can lead to more considerable changes over time. Notice where you feel dread, boredom, or lack of energy as indicators of where boundaries may be needed. For example, Lakshmin gives the example of not answering the phone immediately to provide a pause before action. Assess whether any specific people or situations are draining and look ahead to your week to understand where boundaries are not present, perhaps recognizing a pattern of overcommitment in your schedule. Lakshmin’s advice is to start with low stakes and simple actions such as taking the time to sit down and eat lunch or ensuring you drink water every hour during work, as these habits influence daily routines.

Communicate requests to adjust schedules or obligations, giving yourself the space to decide if something is a "yes", "no", or negotiable

An important part of boundary setting is the ability to communicate adjustments to schedules or obligations to others. For example, if there's a meeting conflicting with a daycare pickup, communicate to the team the necessity to move the meeting time. Use this opportunity to suggest changes and ask if others can accommodate them. Collect data by taking small risks, such as asking for 15 minutes to eat lunch, to gauge reactions from bosses and coworkers before moving to larger boundary-setting actions.

Carve out regular time to reflect on your priorities and how you're spending your time and energy

Regular reflection is integral to boundary setting, as being aware of personal needs and values can guide decisions in setting these boundaries.

Use this pause to identify where you're overextended or not honoring your own needs and values

Reflection can aid in identifying where one might be overextended or not honoring personal needs. It also provides a chance to lean into one’s principles and values, determining what truly matters. Block off 20 minutes to reflect on the upcomi ...