The Ultimate Advice for Your Next Chapter (After Your Kids Have Left Home)
The Mel Robbins Podcast tackles the emotional challenges of the "empty nest" phase when children leave home. Robbins explores coping strategies for parents adjusting to this major life change. She advises rebuilding one's sense of purpose through personal growth, hobbies, and self-care, as well as strengthening relationships outside the family unit.
The episode also covers supporting children through their own transition to independence while promoting healthy boundaries. Robbins offers guidance on modeling self-reliance, validating emotions, and addressing marital issues that may arise during this pivotal chapter.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Sep 9, 2024 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Coping with the emotional transition of the empty nest
Mel Robbins emphasizes this transition as a natural process of change requiring adjusting to new patterns. While emotions like sadness and emptiness are normal, she recommends self-compassion and patience, suggesting one to two months to settle into the quieter home.
Rebuilding a sense of purpose and identity after parenthood
Robbins advises seeking input from children on new pursuits and focusing on personal growth through hobbies, skills, experiences, and self-care. She uses her own example of starting a podcast at 54 as inspiration.
Navigating relationship changes, both personal and social
Robbins encourages addressing marital issues head-on through counseling. She stresses proactively rebuilding social connections outside the family and managing over-involvement in children's lives to foster independence.
Supporting your children through their own transition to independence
Robbins urges validating emotions while promoting self-reliance, resisting the urge to "fix" problems. She advocates modeling healthy coping strategies for major life changes.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- Transition as a natural process of change:
- Some individuals may experience the empty nest phase not just as a natural transition but as a significant loss, requiring more than self-compassion and patience, possibly including professional help or therapy.
- Adjusting to new patterns is necessary:
- While adjusting to new patterns is often necessary, some individuals may find value in maintaining certain old routines that provide comfort and stability during the transition.
- Emotions like sadness and emptiness are normal:
- While normalizing these emotions is important, it's also crucial to recognize when they may indicate more serious mental health issues such as depression, which would require professional intervention.
- Self-compassion and patience are recommended:
- While self-compassion and patience are beneficial, some individuals may also need active coping strategies and support systems to manage their emotions effectively.
- Seeking input from children on new pursuits:
- While involving children in the decision-making process for new pursuits can be valuable, it's also important for parents to independently explore their interests and passions without relying on their children's input.
- Focusing on personal growth:
- Personal growth is important, but it should be balanced with the possibility that some parents may want or need to focus on practical or financial considerations post-parenthood.
- Addressing marital issues through counseling:
- Counseling is beneficial for many, but not all couples may find it helpful or necessary; some may benefit from other forms of support or communication.
- Rebuilding social connections outside the family:
- While rebuilding social connections is important, it should be acknowledged that forming new relationships can be challenging, especially later in life, and may require more effort or different strategies than suggested.
- Managing over-involvement in children's lives:
- The balance between involvement and fostering independence can be complex, and what constitutes over-involvement can vary greatly between families and cultures.
- Validating emotions while promoting self-reliance:
- While promoting self-reliance is important, some children may require more support and guidance during their transition to independence, and parents should be attuned to these needs.
- Resisting the urge to "fix" problems:
- While it's beneficial to encourage self-reliance, there are circumstances where parental intervention is appropriate and necessary for a child's well-being.
- Modeling healthy coping strategies:
- Parents can model coping strategies, but they should also recognize that their children may have different ways of coping that are equally valid and effective.
Actionables
- Create a visual timeline of personal milestones and goals to navigate the emotional transition of an empty nest by using a bulletin board or digital app to track progress and reflect on achievements, ensuring a focus on personal growth and new patterns.
- By visually mapping out what you want to achieve, you can see your progress and stay motivated. For example, if you've always wanted to learn a new language, set milestones for completing a language course, practicing with native speakers, and eventually using the language on a trip.
- Develop a 'parenting consultant' role for yourself to support your children's independence by offering advice only when asked, and channeling your nurturing energy into mentoring or volunteering opportunities within your community.
- This approach allows you to maintain a supportive presence in your children's lives while fostering their autonomy. For instance, you could volunteer at a local school or youth organization, sharing your parenting experience and wisdom in a way that benefits others.
- Initiate a monthly 'new experiences' challenge with your partner or friends to strengthen relationships and build new social connections, where each person takes turns choosing an activity that none of you have tried before.
- This could involve anything from taking a pottery class to trying out a new hiking trail. The key is to experience it together, creating shared memories and bonding over the learning process.
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Coping with the emotional transition of the empty nest
The experience of becoming an "empty nester" when children leave for college or the workforce is a significant life transition. Mel Robbins offers insight into managing the emotional turmoil that comes with this new chapter.
Recognize the normal process of change and learning new patterns
Robbins emphasizes the importance of recognizing this period as a natural part of life. She describes it as "plowing new pathways," where the mind and body must absorb something new and let go of old patterns. Robbins highlights the silence in the house as a stark change, pointing out that all five senses are involved in unlearning old coping mechanisms. This is why the adjustment feels unnerving because there is a need to unnerve these established patterns.
Manage the feelings of emptiness and loss with self-compassion
Robbins warns against labeling the experience as "empty," which has negative connotations. She advises rebranding the term "empty nester" to something more positive, such as "bird launchers," to emphasize a more active and positive perspective on the change. Robbins suggests that sadness, loneliness, or uncertainty about the new quiet are healthy responses to this transition. It's common to feel an "emptiness" – a swirl of emotions that reflect a change in life. Robbins shares moments of realization about the impact of her child's departure and the emptiness it leaves.
She stresses the importance of self-compassion during these times, suggesting an internal dialogue that validates the uncomfortable feelings as part of learning new patterns. Robbins touches on the range of emotions that can accompany this transition and the importance of being kind to oneself through it all. She encourages taking this chapter of life to understand and prioritize personal needs.
Give yourself time and grace to adjust to the new normal
Noting that adjustments take time, Robbins shares her own struggles with the sile ...
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Coping with the emotional transition of the empty nest
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Counterarguments
- While recognizing the empty nest as a natural life transition is healthy, some individuals may find it dismissive of the deep sense of loss they feel, which could be akin to grief rather than a simple transition.
- The concept of unlearning old coping mechanisms assumes that these mechanisms are no longer useful, but some may argue that adapting rather than unlearning could be a more balanced approach.
- Managing feelings of emptiness and loss with self-compassion is important, but some may argue that external support systems, such as counseling or community support, are equally crucial and should not be overlooked.
- Reframing the term "empty nester" to a more positive perspective might not resonate with everyone, as some individuals may feel that it trivializes their experience.
- Validating uncomfortable feelings as part of learning new patterns is a constructive approach, but some may find that it doesn't address the root causes of their discomfort or the potential need for more significant life changes.
- Prioritizing personal needs during this transition is sound advice, but it may be challenging for those who have defined themselves primarily through their role as parents, suggesting a need for identity reconstruction rather than mere prioritization.
- Giving oneself time and grace to adjust to the new normal is important, but the suggested timeframe of a month or two may be unrealistic for some, as the adjustment period can vary greatly from person to p ...
Actionables
- Create a personal growth plan that includes new hobbies or skills you've always wanted to explore. By setting aside time each week to focus on these activities, you're prioritizing your personal needs and giving yourself something positive to look forward to, which can help mitigate feelings of emptiness.
- Start a daily journaling practice where you document your emotions, the challenges of adjusting to an empty nest, and the small victories you experience along the way. This can serve as a form of self-compassion and validation, allowing you to process your feelings constructively.
- Develop a "c ...
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Rebuilding a sense of purpose and identity after parenthood
Robbins engages in a thoughtful discussion about the opportunities to rebuild a sense of purpose and identity once the active years of parenting are over. She touches on various strategies to help cope with the transition.
Seek input from your children on how to move forward
As our children grow older and more independent, Robbins suggests that a fruitful way to decide what to focus on next is to involve our children in the conversation. She recommends that we ask our kids for their suggestions on how we might dedicate the next phase of our lives. Our children know us well and can offer insights that might surprise us and lead to fulfilling endeavors.
Focus on personal growth and self-improvement
Robbins advises listeners to seize this time to engage with aspects of life that bring personal happiness, beyond our identities as parents.
Pursue hobbies, skills, and experiences
She states, "Change doesn't happen over time. It's what you do with that time that matters." She emphasizes the newfound time we have to reconnect with old friends, pursue classes, hobbies, or skills that were previously shelved, and even get better at cooking if that's a desired skill. Robbins' words serve as a reminder that now is the opportunity for personal understanding and putting oneself first while still supporting loved ones.
She also encourages listeners with postponed ambitions, such as starting a new career or a passion project, to take this moment to act upon those goals. Robbins uses her own experience of starting a podcast at the age of 54 as inspiration, showing that it's never too late to pursue something new.
Focus on personal well-being
The post-parenting phase is also a time for internal focus and self-care. Robbins suggests taking care of yourself through regular walks, getting in shape, and establishing a nurturing morning routine. She stresses the importance of personal happiness, advising listeners to focus on changing themselves and t ...
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Rebuilding a sense of purpose and identity after parenthood
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Counterarguments
- Seeking input from children on future focus might not always be practical or beneficial, as children may not fully understand their parents' needs, desires, or capabilities.
- Personal growth and self-improvement are important, but they should not come at the expense of neglecting existing responsibilities or relationships.
- Pursuing hobbies and skills is valuable, but it's important to balance new activities with other life commitments to avoid overextension.
- Acting on postponed ambitions is commendable, but one must also consider the financial and social implications of starting new ventures later in life.
- Focusing on personal well-being is essential, but ...
Actionables
- Create a "Future Box" with your children where they can contribute ideas or items representing what they're excited about for the future. This could be a physical box in your home where children can drop in written ideas, drawings, or small objects that symbolize their interests and hopes. Periodically review the contents together and discuss how these could shape family activities or decisions.
- Start a "Skill Swap" with friends or community members to learn new hobbies or skills. This involves pairing up with someone who has a skill you want to learn and vice versa, then setting up times to teach each other. For example, if you want to learn gardening and a friend wants to learn basic car maintenance, you could each spend a Saturday sharing your knowledge.
- Launch a "Kindness Cha ...
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Navigating relationship changes, both personal and social
Robbins discusses the impact of children gaining independence on parental relationships and social lives, emphasizing the importance of proactive steps to ensure healthy transitions.
Address any underlying marital issues head-on
Robbins points out that an empty nest can reveal marital issues that were previously ignored, making them impossible to avoid any longer. Such issues might include feelings of merely being roommates with one's spouse, recognizing longstanding problems within the relationship, or doubting the desire to remain married. Robbins suggests if the marital relationship has been neglected during the parenting years, now is the time to prioritize couples' counseling or other therapy to strengthen the partnership.
Proactively build a new social network
With children out of the house, Robbins encourages parents to proactively rebuild or create social connections outside their immediate family. He stresses the importance of taking active steps toward social engagement, such as reconnecting with friends, having more fun, and making plans to visit friends. Robbins insists on the responsibility of individuals to create their social and love lives, which includes getting out of the house daily to avoid becoming reclusive. Additionally, Robbins suggests listening to podcast episodes about adult friendships and follow ...
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Navigating relationship changes, both personal and social
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Counterarguments
- Addressing marital issues head-on might not always be the best approach for every couple; some may benefit from a more gradual process or individual therapy before joint counseling.
- Proactively building a new social network assumes that individuals have the resources, time, and social skills to do so, which might not be the case for everyone.
- The advice to take active steps toward social engagement and creating love lives may overlook the value of solitude and self-reflection that can also be be ...
Actionables
- Create a 'marriage check-in' routine where you and your spouse set aside time each week to discuss your feelings, concerns, and aspirations. This can be as simple as a 30-minute coffee date in your kitchen where you both share one thing that made you happy and one thing you found challenging in your relationship that week.
- Start a 'friendship incubator' project by choosing one acquaintance each month to develop a deeper connection with. Invite them to a specific activity, like a walk in the park or a visit to a local exhibit, to foster a shared experience and potentially grow your social circle.
- Designate a 'personal growth day' each month where you focus on activities that ...
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Supporting your children through their own transition to independence
As your child makes the transition to independence, it’s crucial to foster their self-reliance while validating their emotions. The advice from experts emphasizes the importance of balancing empathy with encouragement for kids to find their own solutions.
Validate their emotions but encourage self-reliance
Robbins urges parents to acknowledge the independence their children have achieved. She suggests validating their emotions but also encouraging them to tackle their struggles head-on. For instance, when Sawyer takes initiative in setting up her brother's dorm room, it demonstrates a healthy transition to independence that should be recognized and encouraged.
Robbins stresses the necessity of letting children manage their own feelings, rather than having parents swoop in at the first sign of distress. She recommends telling your children to follow their hearts, which reinforces the idea that you believe in their capacity to make decisions and navigate their challenges.
Resist the impulse to "fix" their problems
Robbins also talks about the natural parental instinct to support a struggling child, asserting the importance of letting them face dilemmas on their own. Rather than solving problems for them like immunization forms, she advises parents to ask their children what they believe the best course of action is—thus promoting problem-solving skills and self-sufficiency.
She warns that continually fixing children’s issues can lead to dependency on parental intervention. Instead, she shares that she learned the value of this from her own mother, who encouraged her to make friends instead of entertaining her daily calls—signifying a refusal to "fix" problems for her.
Model healthy coping strategies for adapting to major life changes
Finally, Robbins emphasizes the importance of parents mode ...
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Supporting your children through their own transition to independence
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Counterarguments
- While fostering self-reliance is important, some children may require more guidance and support due to individual differences in development and temperament.
- Validating emotions is crucial, but there must be a balance to ensure that children also develop resilience and do not become overly reliant on external validation.
- Encouraging children to manage their own feelings is beneficial, but parents should also ensure that children have the necessary emotional intelligence and coping skills before expecting them to handle complex emotions independently.
- Problem-solving skills are essential, but children also need to learn when it is appropriate to ask for help and how to collaborate with others to solve problems.
- Modeling healthy coping strategies is important, but parents must also recognize that children may have different ways of coping and should be allowed to develop their own strategies.
- Engaging in new interests and making friends is good adv ...
Actionables
- Create a "Challenge Jar" for your children where they can draw out a problem-solving task tailored to their age and abilities, such as fixing a simple household item or planning a small family event. This encourages them to think critically and independently while providing a safe space for trial and error.
- Develop a "Feelings Journal" with your child that includes prompts for them to express and manage their emotions, followed by a section where they can brainstorm solutions or steps to address the cause of those feelings. This practice promotes emotional intelligence and decision-making skills.
- Organize monthly "Independence Day ...
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