How to Figure Out What You Really Want: Use This Life-Changing Hack
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Robbins explores the importance of knowing what you really want in life. Without this clarity, she asserts, you may remain unfulfilled despite your efforts. Robbins guides listeners through using the "five whys" technique—a problem-solving method for uncovering the root of your desires.
By repeatedly asking "Why?", Robbins illustrates how to transcend surface-level wants and tap into meaningful motivations. Sharing examples from her own life experiences and those of guests, Robbins demonstrates how this introspective exercise can shed light on priorities, allowing you to make choices aligned with your deepest values and aspirations.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Aug 15, 2024 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
The Importance of Knowing What You Want in Life
According to Mel Robbins, knowing what you want in life provides direction and purpose, while lacking clarity can leave you feeling aimless and unfulfilled. She emphasizes that answering "What do I want?" is deeply personal - only you can answer it for yourself.
Recognizing the profound impact
Robbins states that recognizing your desires allows you to focus your efforts towards achieving your goals. Without this clarity, you may remain busy yet stagnant. Robbins relates this to pursuing her own larger vision, like launching a podcast. Knowing what you want determines your life's path going forward.
The difficulty of answering
Robbins highlights that obtaining clarity on your wants and values is essential for prioritizing and decision-making. Guest Christine Harwig's example demonstrates how an emotional breakthrough helped her realize valuing time with family over material possessions. Robbins encourages honesty in these personal reflections to avoid feeling stuck.
Using the "five whys" technique
The "five whys" is a problem-solving method that helps uncover the root cause or deeper meaning behind initial wants. By repeatedly asking "Why?", you transcend surface-level desires to discover true motivations.
Understanding the technique
Robbins describes the "five whys" as a tool to quickly get to the heart of what you truly want. The method sheds light on desires' personal significance. For example, Harwig's "why" revealed her aspiration was meaningful family time, not just a lake house.
Applying the technique
When contemplating writing a fantasy novel, Robbins realized her deeper desire was for a creative escape from relentless work demands. For guest Laurel Sawyer's move to New York, the "five whys" exposed her motive was keeping a childhood promise to herself.
Overall, Robbins and guests underscore the importance of self-awareness in recognizing and prioritizing your true desires to make fulfilling life choices.
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Counterarguments
- While knowing what you want can provide direction, it can also lead to inflexibility and a lack of openness to new opportunities that don't align with preconceived goals.
- Clarity of desires might not always lead to fulfillment; sometimes the pursuit of a goal can be more satisfying than its attainment.
- Focusing efforts solely on achieving specific goals can result in a narrow life experience and the potential neglect of other important aspects of life, such as spontaneity, relationships, and personal growth.
- The assumption that busyness equates to stagnation is not always true; some people thrive in dynamic environments where they can multitask and engage in a variety of activities.
- Life's path is often non-linear, and the idea that knowing what you want sets a fixed path forward may not account for life's unpredictability and the need for adaptability.
- Decision-making based solely on personal wants and values may sometimes be at odds with ethical considerations or the needs of others.
- Emotional breakthroughs are valuable, but they are not the only way to realize one's values and priorities; logical reasoning and external feedback can also play significant roles.
- The "five whys" technique, while useful, may not always lead to the true root cause due to its reliance on introspection, which can be biased or limited by one's self-awareness.
- True motivations may be multi-layered and not easily discernible through a simple iterative process like the "five whys."
- Self-awareness is important, but so is the ability to engage with the external world and consider the impact of one's actions on others and the environment.
Actionables
- Create a vision board to visually map out your desires and goals, using images and words that resonate with your aspirations. This tangible representation can serve as a daily reminder and inspiration, helping you to maintain focus on what you truly want. For example, if you're aiming for a career change, include pictures of the industry you're interested in, motivational quotes, and the steps you need to take to get there.
- Start a "Desire Journal" where you write down everything you want without filtering or overthinking. At the end of each week, review your entries and categorize them into short-term wants, long-term goals, and core values. This exercise can help you identify patterns in your desires and assist in prioritizing them. For instance, if you notice a recurring theme around learning new skills, you might prioritize enrolling in a course or dedicating time to self-study.
- Engage in a monthly "Clarity Conversation" with a trusted friend or mentor where you discuss your current desires, goals, and the progress you've made. This dialogue can provide external perspective and accountability, helping you refine your path and stay aligned with your true motivations. During these conversations, you might discover that what you thought was a career goal is actually a desire for creative expression, leading you to seek out hobbies or projects that fulfill that need.
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The Importance of Knowing What You Want in Life
Mel Robbins and guests Christine Harwig and Laurel Sawyer discuss the profound impact of understanding and prioritizing one's desires in life, emphasizing that without this knowledge, individuals can feel stuck, aimless, or unfulfilled.
Recognizing the profound impact of understanding your desires
Knowing what you want provides direction and purpose, while lacking clarity can leave you aimless and unfulfilled
Robbins states that if you don't know what you want, you will never achieve it because you won't know which direction to take. She mentions that recognizing what you want allows you to organize your time, energy, and focus to take steps towards achieving your goals. Knowing what you desire provides direction and aids in making informed decisions. Without it, one can be busy moving in the wrong direction. Robbins relates this to realizing a larger vision and uses her own experience of launching a podcast to illustrate the power of clarity on personal desires. She asserts that knowing what you want is pivotal as it determines where your life goes, influencing your path in the months, years, and decades to come. Without this knowledge, life can pass by without progress towards fulfilling your desires.
The difficulty of answering the question "What do I want?"
It's a deeply personal question that no one else can answer for you
Robbins highlights that answering "What do I want?" is a deeply personal question that only the individual can answer for themselves. She asserts that gaining clarity on what you want and value is essential for prioritizing and making meaningful decisions. Knowing what you desire gives you control over your life's course, rather than being a passive passenger. For Christine Harwig, a transformative class experience led to an emotional breakthrough about valuing quality time with her sons over material possessions, such as a lake house. Laurel Sawyer's contributions suggest that achievements are not the only measure of a life well-lived; personal elements play a central role as well.
Clarity on your wants and values is essential for prioritizing and making meaningful decisions
Robbins emphasizes that obtaining clarity on what you really want is a skill, along with ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Importance of Knowing What You Want in Life
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While knowing what you want can provide direction, it's also true that life is unpredictable, and excessive focus on specific desires can lead to inflexibility and disappointment when things don't go as planned.
- Some philosophies argue that detachment from specific outcomes can lead to greater happiness and adaptability, suggesting that being too attached to certain desires might be counterproductive.
- The idea that you must know what you want to avoid aimlessness can be challenged by the concept of "emergent strategy," where individuals allow their path to unfold organically, often leading to unexpected but fulfilling outcomes.
- The emphasis on individual desires might overlook the importance of community and collective goals, which can also provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
- The notion that clarity on personal desires is essential for a fulfilling life may not account for those who find meaning through service to others or through spiritual or religious fulfillment that emphasizes surrendering personal desires.
- The idea that knowing what you want gives you control over your life's course can be overly simplistic, as external factors often play a significant role in life outcomes, regardless of personal clarity or desires.
- The assertion that achievements are not the only measure of a life well-lived might be complemented by the understanding that for some, achievements are a significant source of fulfillment and self-actuali ...
Actionables
- Create a vision board with images and words that represent your goals to visually reinforce your desires and direction. By selecting pictures and phrases that resonate with your aspirations, you'll have a daily visual reminder of what you're working towards, which can help maintain focus and motivation. For example, if you're aiming to travel more, include images of destinations you wish to visit or if you're working towards a fitness goal, pictures of your ideal fitness level can serve as inspiration.
- Start a "Desire Diary" where you jot down thoughts and feelings about your wants and values each day. This practice encourages you to regularly reflect and refine your understanding of what you truly want. For instance, if you're contemplating a career change, writing down the pros and cons and how each option aligns with your values can clarify your decision-making process.
- Use a decision-making app that prompts you to list your ...
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Using the "five whys" technique to uncover your true desires
The "five whys" technique is a problem-solving method that helps individuals arrive at the root cause or deeper meaning behind their initial wants or issues.
The "five whys" is a problem-solving framework that reveals the root cause or deeper meaning behind your wants
Repeatedly asking "Why?" (5 times) is an exercise Mel Robbins describes as a tool to discover the root cause or root emotion behind one's desires quickly. By digging deeper with each iteration of "Why?" you force yourself to transcend the surface level and get closer to the heart of what you truly desire.
Applying the five whys can challenge your initial surface-level wants and uncover more profound, meaningful desires
The method sheds light on the true motivations and personal significance behind wants. For example, Harwig initially expressed a desire for a lake house, but after repeated "Why?" prompts, it was revealed that her true aspiration was to spend more time with her family. The lake house was merely a symbol of the connections and interactions she sought.
Mel Robbins begins to apply the "five whys" technique to her own situation as she contemplates writing a fantasy novel series. At first, her desire was to engage in a creative project, but when digging deeper, she realized she yearned for a creative outlet that wasn’t hindered by deadlines and work demands. She wanted to immerse herself in something expansive—to reclaim time away from constant work obligations.
In a similar vein, Mel uses the framework with Laurel Sawyer to delve into her wish to move to New York. Through the process, it became apparen ...
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Using the "five whys" technique to uncover your true desires
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Counterarguments
- The "five whys" technique may oversimplify complex issues by implying a single root cause, whereas some situations may have multiple contributing factors.
- The method assumes that individuals have a high level of self-awareness and honesty, which may not always be the case, leading to inaccurate conclusions.
- Repeatedly asking "Why?" could lead to circular reasoning or self-justification instead of true introspection.
- The technique might not be suitable for all types of problems, particularly those that are external or systemic rather than internal and personal.
- The "five whys" could potentially lead to over-analysis, causing paralysis by analysis instead of actionable insights.
- It may not account for unconscious biases or emotional blocks that prevent a person from reaching the true root cause.
- The method relies heavily on the individual's ability to articulate their feelings and thoughts, which can be a limitation for s ...
Actionables
- You can journal your decision-making process to uncover deeper motivations by writing down a choice you're facing, then asking "Why?" and writing the answer. Repeat this process four more times, each time responding to the previous answer, to drill down to the core reason behind your decision. For instance, if you're considering buying a new car, your first "Why?" might relate to its features, but by the fifth "Why?" you might discover it's actually about a desire for reliability or status.
- Create a "Why Map" on a large piece of paper where you start with a want in the center and branch out with each subsequent "Why?" to visually trace the depth of your desires. This can turn into a creative exercise, similar to mind mapping, where you not only write down the answers but also draw or use symbols that represent your feelings or thoughts associated with each layer of "Why?". This could reveal connections between different wants that you hadn't considered before.
- Engage in a "Why Dialogue" with a friend or family member where yo ...
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Applying the five whys technique to specific examples
The five whys technique isn't explicitly mentioned in the podcast transcript, but we can examine the deeper motivations behind individual desires as if the technique was applied, identifying latent reasons for specific actions.
Moving to New York City
Laurel Sawyer's journey to New York City can be seen as an application of the five whys technique in uncovering the underlying motivations behind her move.
Sawyer's initial desire to move to New York stemmed from a lifelong dream and sense of possibility
Laurel shares that her initial desire to move to New York City was propelled by a childhood dream filled with excitement and the vast stretch of possibilities the city presented. She felt drawn to the energy and ambition of New York and saw moving there as the next necessary step to progress in her life.
Digging deeper revealed the move was about keeping a promise to her younger self and starting a new chapter in life
Upon further reflection, Laurel realizes that her move is actually about fulfilling a commitment she made to her younger self. She wants to live up to her own expectations of backpacking through Asia, starting her own business, and living in New York City—all ambitions that have been a part of her long-term vision. This insight provides her with the focus and drive needed to pursue the upheaval of relocating to New York City. Additionally, her mention of the city in the context of her obituary implies that moving to New York isn't merely a casual desire; it's a deep-seated aspiration that she believes will define her life story.
Writing a fantasy novel series
Mel Robbins and her daughters' plan to write a fantasy novel series reflects another illustration of uncovering deeper motivations, albeit without explicit mention of the five whys.
Mel's initial desire to write a fantasy novel series with her daughters was rooted in a need for a creative, joyful outlet
Mel Robbins's eagerness to co-author ...
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Applying the five whys technique to specific examples
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The idea that moving to New York City was solely about fulfilling a childhood dream may overlook practical considerations such as job opportunities, cost of living, or social support systems that often play significant roles in such decisions.
- The notion that the move to New York City represents a new chapter might be an oversimplification, as it could also be a continuation of existing patterns or circumstances in Laurel's life.
- Writing a fantasy novel series with her daughters might not only be about finding a creative outlet but could also be motivated by a desire to leave a legacy, explore new professional ...
Actionables
- Create a vision board to visualize your childhood dreams and the possibilities they hold. Start by gathering images, quotes, and items that represent the aspirations you had as a child. Place them on a board where you'll see it daily to remind yourself of the potential you saw in your dreams and to inspire steps toward achieving them.
- Set aside time each week to work on a passion project with family or friends. This could be anything from starting a garden, building a model airplane, or writing short stories together. The key is to choose an activity that brings joy and allows you to step away from the routine demands of work and daily life.
- Write a letter to your future sel ...
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