In this episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast, Robbins addresses the challenges and complexities of personal change. She presents three key rules: adults only make changes they genuinely want, you cannot force change on others, and expecting others to meet your standards often breeds frustration.
Robbins encourages accepting others' journeys with compassion rather than judgment. She advises against lecturing, instead recommending open-ended questions that invite self-reflection. The episode explores how to manage frustration when others resist change, suggesting focusing on what you can control and protecting your energy through boundaries and self-care. Robbins provides a nuanced perspective on relationships, change, and personal growth.
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Mel Robbins underscores the complexity of personal change and the futility of trying to force it on others. She brings to light three key rules:
Adults only act when they themselves truly want to, Robbins states, implying that you can't force or pressure someone to change. Their actions reveal their true priorities.
Robbins bluntly points out that adults only change when ready, not on someone else's timeline. Pushing them inevitably leads to frustration and damaged relationships, even for those trapped by trauma or depression.
Accepting people as they are, with compassion, creates more harmony than judging them for not changing, Robbins argues. She advises focusing on setting your own boundaries instead.
Robbins understands that when someone makes a change, like her husband Chris quitting drinking, it can force their loved ones to self-reflect. This often leads to defensiveness as it's easier to question others than oneself.
Rather than judging or trying to force change, Robbins recommends asking questions to invite dialogue and understanding. Research shows people are far more receptive (37% vs 3%) to changing when they feel the idea originated with themselves.
According to Robbins, feeling annoyed or starting to judge someone you're trying to help often reveals your own ego-driven need for control and acknowledgment, not a genuine desire to help them. It's easier to focus on changing others than yourself.
Robbins stresses channeling your energy into positive changes in your own life, not dwelling on others' unchanging behaviors that drain your resources. Set boundaries, seek support, and bring empathy to relationships rather than anger over unmet expectations.
1-Page Summary
Mel Robbins underscores the complexity of personal change and the ineffectiveness of trying to force this process on others. She brings to light the rules that one should consider when dealing with the desire to change those around them.
Robbins clarifies that adults only do what they feel like doing, regardless of what others wish they'd do. She repeatedly states "If they wanted to, they would," implying that if someone truly wants to change something, whether it be health habits or career motivation, they themselves would take the necessary actions. This statement points out that trying to force or pressure others to change could be counterproductive. It's a call to recognize that actions are the true indicator of a person's priorities.
The bare truth, as Robbins points out, is that adults only change when they are ready to change, not on someone else's timeline. She mentions her brother as an example, noting that despite her worries about his health habits, it is ultimately up to him to be motivated to make changes. Any attempt to push or control others' behavior leads to frustration and, potentially, damaged relationships. Robbins expresses that forcing someone to change is usually futile and that pressure or attempts to control can push people away. She suggests that there are individuals trapped in trauma patterns who are not yet able to change and stresses the importance of having empathy for those struggling with personal issues like depression.
The 3 core rules about how to approach wanting others to change
Robbins describes the common frustration and judgment that can arise when someone doesn't heed your advice or make the changes you wish for them, and she advocates for acceptance rather than control.
Robbins suggests that understanding the unique struggles others face, such as trauma or depression, is crucial because not everyone is ready or able to change. When someone makes a change in their own life, it can create ripples that impact others, potentially prompting them to reflect on their own habits and behaviors.
As Robbins points out, changing your own behavior and energy can significantly impact relationships. For example, when her husband, Chris, decided to stop drinking, it forced Mel to confront her own drinking habits. Robbins notes that it's easier for people to question someone else's change than to look inward. She recounts how Chris's decision led her to examine her own relationship with alcohol, emphasizing how personal change can lead to shifts in others' perceptions and behaviors.
Dan, a caller, experienced this when his personal growth led his wife to accuse him of putting himself on a pedestal. Robbins explains that this response is not unusual, as any change can alter the dynamics of a relationship.
Robbins advises that one should discern whether the intent to help comes from genuine concern or a judgmental place. She underlines the importance of empathy and tolerance, noting that pressure and judgment can cause others to feel demoralized and ashamed. Opening a dialogue through asking questions allows others to see change as their own idea, making them more likely to embrace it.
Robbins emphasizes that showing up differently in relationships—and shifting energy away ...
Accepting others as they are and not trying to control them
Robbins underscores the internal struggle that arises when we attempt to help others change and the personal insights that can develop when managing frustration and negative emotions due to unmet expectations.
Robbins reflects on feeling annoyed and starting to judge the person you're trying to help, which she connects to an ego-driven need for acknowledgment for changes made in one's own life. She notes that one’s changes confront others, rather than inspire them, and examining frustration helps to determine if it stems from one's desire to control rather than a genuine desire to help. Robbins shares an anecdote where Chris's reaction to her frustration made her realize the importance of focusing on changing her own behavior and systems instead of being preoccupied with his choices.
Robbins expresses the realization of one’s own control tendencies and the stress and frustration created by attempting to control others. She highlights the normalcy of being triggered by others' inaction, but suggests that it is often easier to question the choices of others rather than oneself.
Robbins connects frustration with personal ego and the need to control situations, which ultimately results in self-harm.
Robbins stresses the importance of managing your energy by being more tolerant and empathetic towards those who struggle to change. This approach pivots the focus from a futile attempt to control others to controlling one’s own responses and setting personal boundaries. She encourages focusing on what one can control, like seeking additional support and setting boundaries, and changing your own actions instead of others'.
Dwelling on others' behaviors one cannot change drains personal resources. Robbins suggests that the negative energy and tension that come from trying to change somebody else diss ...
Managing your own frustration and negative emotions when others don't change
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