Podcasts > The Mel Robbins Podcast > 3 Requirements of a Good Relationship

3 Requirements of a Good Relationship

By Stitcher

In this episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast, Robbins addresses the challenges and complexities of personal change. She presents three key rules: adults only make changes they genuinely want, you cannot force change on others, and expecting others to meet your standards often breeds frustration.

Robbins encourages accepting others' journeys with compassion rather than judgment. She advises against lecturing, instead recommending open-ended questions that invite self-reflection. The episode explores how to manage frustration when others resist change, suggesting focusing on what you can control and protecting your energy through boundaries and self-care. Robbins provides a nuanced perspective on relationships, change, and personal growth.

Listen to the original

3 Requirements of a Good Relationship

This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Jul 22, 2024 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast

Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.

3 Requirements of a Good Relationship

1-Page Summary

The 3 Core Rules About Wanting Others to Change

Mel Robbins underscores the complexity of personal change and the futility of trying to force it on others. She brings to light three key rules:

"If they wanted to, they would"

Adults only act when they themselves truly want to, Robbins states, implying that you can't force or pressure someone to change. Their actions reveal their true priorities.

You can't make someone else change

Robbins bluntly points out that adults only change when ready, not on someone else's timeline. Pushing them inevitably leads to frustration and damaged relationships, even for those trapped by trauma or depression.

Stop being mad at people for not meeting your expectations

Accepting people as they are, with compassion, creates more harmony than judging them for not changing, Robbins argues. She advises focusing on setting your own boundaries instead.

Accepting Others' Journeys and Not Trying to Control

When you change, it can confront and trigger others

Robbins understands that when someone makes a change, like her husband Chris quitting drinking, it can force their loved ones to self-reflect. This often leads to defensiveness as it's easier to question others than oneself.

Ask questions rather than lecture

Rather than judging or trying to force change, Robbins recommends asking questions to invite dialogue and understanding. Research shows people are far more receptive (37% vs 3%) to changing when they feel the idea originated with themselves.

Managing Your Frustration When Others Don't Change

Recognize your frustration often stems from your own need to control

According to Robbins, feeling annoyed or starting to judge someone you're trying to help often reveals your own ego-driven need for control and acknowledgment, not a genuine desire to help them. It's easier to focus on changing others than yourself.

Protect your energy by focusing on what you can control

Robbins stresses channeling your energy into positive changes in your own life, not dwelling on others' unchanging behaviors that drain your resources. Set boundaries, seek support, and bring empathy to relationships rather than anger over unmet expectations.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While adults may act when they want to change, external circumstances and interventions can sometimes initiate or support change.
  • Although you can't force someone to change, you can influence, inspire, or motivate them to consider change through education, support, and providing resources.
  • It's natural to feel disappointment when expectations aren't met, and expressing these feelings respectfully can be part of healthy communication and relationship dynamics.
  • Accepting people as they are is important, but it doesn't preclude the possibility of encouraging growth or improvement in a supportive manner.
  • Change in one person can trigger self-reflection in others, but it can also inspire and motivate positive change without defensiveness.
  • Asking questions is a good approach to invite dialogue, but sometimes direct communication or guidance is necessary, especially in situations where someone's behavior is harmful.
  • Frustration can stem from a variety of sources, not just a need to control, including concern for the well-being of the other person or the impact of their actions on others.
  • Focusing on what you can control is important, but it's also important to recognize that sometimes collective action or intervention is necessary to address issues that go beyond individual control.

Actionables

  • Create a personal mantra to reinforce acceptance by writing down a phrase that embodies the idea of accepting others, such as "Embrace diversity, cherish harmony." Repeat this mantra daily, especially in moments of frustration, to remind yourself to accept people as they are. This practice can help internalize the concept of acceptance, leading to more harmonious interactions.
  • Develop a habit of reflective journaling where you explore your reactions to others' behaviors. Each day, spend a few minutes writing about a situation where you felt the urge to control an outcome or felt frustrated with someone. Reflect on what you can control in these situations and how your need for control may have influenced your reaction. This exercise can increase self-awareness and help shift focus from trying to control others to understanding your own responses.
  • Initiate a 'question of the day' routine with friends or family where you ask an open-ended question that encourages thoughtful dialogue, such as "What's something you've always wanted to try and why haven't you?" This practice can foster understanding and connection, and it can also serve as a subtle way to inspire self-reflection and potential change in others without exerting direct pressure.

Get access to the context and additional materials

So you can understand the full picture and form your own opinion.
Get access for free
3 Requirements of a Good Relationship

The 3 core rules about how to approach wanting others to change

Mel Robbins underscores the complexity of personal change and the ineffectiveness of trying to force this process on others. She brings to light the rules that one should consider when dealing with the desire to change those around them.

If they wanted to, they would

Robbins clarifies that adults only do what they feel like doing, regardless of what others wish they'd do. She repeatedly states "If they wanted to, they would," implying that if someone truly wants to change something, whether it be health habits or career motivation, they themselves would take the necessary actions. This statement points out that trying to force or pressure others to change could be counterproductive. It's a call to recognize that actions are the true indicator of a person's priorities.

You can't make someone else change

The bare truth, as Robbins points out, is that adults only change when they are ready to change, not on someone else's timeline. She mentions her brother as an example, noting that despite her worries about his health habits, it is ultimately up to him to be motivated to make changes. Any attempt to push or control others' behavior leads to frustration and, potentially, damaged relationships. Robbins expresses that forcing someone to change is usually futile and that pressure or attempts to control can push people away. She suggests that there are individuals trapped in trauma patterns who are not yet able to change and stresses the importance of having empathy for those struggling with personal issues like depression.

Stop being mad at people ...

Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary

Registered users get access to the Full Podcast Summary and Additional Materials. It’s easy and free!
Start your free trial today

The 3 core rules about how to approach wanting others to change

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While it's true that adults tend to do what they feel like doing, this doesn't account for the influence of external factors such as social pressures, obligations, or laws that often compel individuals to act against their immediate desires for a greater or different goal.
  • The idea that trying to force or pressure others to change is counterproductive doesn't consider the role of interventions, which in some cases, such as addiction, can be necessary and effective when done with care and professional support.
  • Suggesting that actions are the true indicator of a person's priorities overlooks the complexity of human behavior, where actions can also be the result of compulsion, addiction, or a lack of resources rather than a reflection of true priorities.
  • The blanket statement that you can't make someone else change doesn't consider the role of influence, education, and persuasion, which can be powerful tools for helping others see the benefits of change.
  • While adults may change when they are ready, this perspective doesn't acknowledge the role of supportive environments, resources, and encouragement in facilitating readiness for change.
  • The notion that pushing or controlling others' behavior always leads to frustration and damaged relationships doesn't consider the context in which such actions are taken; for example, parental guidance is often a form of control that can lead to positive outcomes for children.
  • The assertion that forcing someone to change is usually futile may not hold in situations where people lack the insight or ability to initiate change themselves and require external intervention to recognize the need for change.
  • The advice to stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be doesn't address the legitimate expectations within cert ...

Actionables

- You can practice reflective journaling to understand your motivations and accept others' autonomy by writing down instances where you felt the urge to change someone and reflecting on why it's important to respect their readiness for change.

  • Reflective journaling helps you to recognize patterns in your behavior and thoughts, allowing you to see where you might be applying pressure or harboring resentment. For example, if you find yourself frequently upset that a friend isn't taking your advice, journaling can help you explore why you feel responsible for their actions and how you can shift towards empathy and acceptance.
  • Develop a 'compassion mantra' to recite during moments of frustration, which can help reframe your perspective towards understanding and accepting others as they are.
  • Creating a personal mantra such as "Everyone is on their own journey, and I accept them as they are" can serve as a grounding tool when you're feeling the impulse to judge or change someone. Use this mantra when you notice these feelings arising, perhaps when a family member makes a choice you wouldn't make, to remind yourself of the value of acceptance and compassion.
  • Engage in a 'boundary-setting' exercise by ...

Get access to the context and additional materials

So you can understand the full picture and form your own opinion.
Get access for free
3 Requirements of a Good Relationship

Accepting others as they are and not trying to control them

Robbins describes the common frustration and judgment that can arise when someone doesn't heed your advice or make the changes you wish for them, and she advocates for acceptance rather than control.

Understand that your changes can confront and trigger others

When you make changes, it can force others to reflect on their own behavior

Robbins suggests that understanding the unique struggles others face, such as trauma or depression, is crucial because not everyone is ready or able to change. When someone makes a change in their own life, it can create ripples that impact others, potentially prompting them to reflect on their own habits and behaviors.

Others may become defensive or passive-aggressive in response to your changes

As Robbins points out, changing your own behavior and energy can significantly impact relationships. For example, when her husband, Chris, decided to stop drinking, it forced Mel to confront her own drinking habits. Robbins notes that it's easier for people to question someone else's change than to look inward. She recounts how Chris's decision led her to examine her own relationship with alcohol, emphasizing how personal change can lead to shifts in others' perceptions and behaviors.

Dan, a caller, experienced this when his personal growth led his wife to accuse him of putting himself on a pedestal. Robbins explains that this response is not unusual, as any change can alter the dynamics of a relationship.

Ask questions rather than lecturing or forcing change

Inviting dialogue and understanding helps avoid making others feel judged

Robbins advises that one should discern whether the intent to help comes from genuine concern or a judgmental place. She underlines the importance of empathy and tolerance, noting that pressure and judgment can cause others to feel demoralized and ashamed. Opening a dialogue through asking questions allows others to see change as their own idea, making them more likely to embrace it.

Allowing others to see change as their own idea is more effective than pushing

Robbins emphasizes that showing up differently in relationships—and shifting energy away ...

Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary

Registered users get access to the Full Podcast Summary and Additional Materials. It’s easy and free!
Start your free trial today

Accepting others as they are and not trying to control them

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • Accepting others as they are doesn't always mean avoiding attempts to influence or guide them, especially if their behavior is harmful to themselves or others.
  • While personal changes can indeed trigger reflection, they can also lead to alienation or misunderstanding if not communicated effectively.
  • Understanding the impact of personal changes on relationships is important, but it's also necessary to recognize that some relationships may need to evolve or end for growth to occur.
  • Defensive or passive-aggressive reactions to change can sometimes be a sign of deeper issues within the relationship that need to be addressed, not just accepted.
  • Asking questions is a good approach, but there are times when more direct communication or intervention may be necessary, especially in situations where someone's well-being is at risk.
  • While it's beneficial to avoid making others feel judged, there are circumstances where judgment and accountability are necessary components of a healthy relationship or society.
  • Allowing others to believe change is their own idea can be empowering, but it ca ...

Actionables

  • You can foster self-reflection in others by sharing your personal growth stories in casual conversations. When you talk about the positive changes you've made in your life, do so without suggesting that others should do the same. For example, if you've started a new fitness routine, mention how it's improved your energy levels and mood, but don't imply that they should join you unless they express interest.
  • Encourage open dialogue by starting a 'change journal' with a friend or family member. In this shared journal, both of you can write down thoughts, feelings, and observations about changes you notice in each other, without direct confrontation. This can lead to a deeper understanding and appreciation of each other's growth and challenges.
  • Create a personal mantra that reinforces your commitment to respecting othe ...

Get access to the context and additional materials

So you can understand the full picture and form your own opinion.
Get access for free
3 Requirements of a Good Relationship

Managing your own frustration and negative emotions when others don't change

Robbins underscores the internal struggle that arises when we attempt to help others change and the personal insights that can develop when managing frustration and negative emotions due to unmet expectations.

Recognize that your frustration is often a sign of your own need to control

Robbins reflects on feeling annoyed and starting to judge the person you're trying to help, which she connects to an ego-driven need for acknowledgment for changes made in one's own life. She notes that one’s changes confront others, rather than inspire them, and examining frustration helps to determine if it stems from one's desire to control rather than a genuine desire to help. Robbins shares an anecdote where Chris's reaction to her frustration made her realize the importance of focusing on changing her own behavior and systems instead of being preoccupied with his choices.

It's easier to focus on changing others than changing yourself

Robbins expresses the realization of one’s own control tendencies and the stress and frustration created by attempting to control others. She highlights the normalcy of being triggered by others' inaction, but suggests that it is often easier to question the choices of others rather than oneself.

Holding on to resentment and anger only hurts you, not the other person

Robbins connects frustration with personal ego and the need to control situations, which ultimately results in self-harm.

Protect your own energy and focus on what you can control

Robbins stresses the importance of managing your energy by being more tolerant and empathetic towards those who struggle to change. This approach pivots the focus from a futile attempt to control others to controlling one’s own responses and setting personal boundaries. She encourages focusing on what one can control, like seeking additional support and setting boundaries, and changing your own actions instead of others'.

Dwelling on others' behaviors you can't change drains your personal resources

Dwelling on others' behaviors one cannot change drains personal resources. Robbins suggests that the negative energy and tension that come from trying to change somebody else diss ...

Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary

Registered users get access to the Full Podcast Summary and Additional Materials. It’s easy and free!
Start your free trial today

Managing your own frustration and negative emotions when others don't change

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While frustration can stem from a need to control, it can also be a natural response to caring deeply about someone's well-being and feeling helpless when change does not occur.
  • Sometimes focusing on changing others is necessary, especially if their behavior is harmful or destructive to themselves or others.
  • Resentment and anger, when processed healthily, can be catalysts for setting boundaries and advocating for oneself, rather than just causing self-harm.
  • Being tolerant and empathetic does not always protect one's energy; in some cases, it can lead to enabling or ignoring problematic behaviors that should be addressed.
  • Dwelling on others' behaviors can sometimes lead to important insights into systemic issues or patterns that need to be addressed, not just personal resource depletion. ...

Actionables

  • You can create a "frustration journal" to track moments when you feel the urge to control others, noting the situation and your emotional state, then brainstorming ways to release control and focus on your own actions instead.
    • Keeping a journal helps you become aware of patterns in your behavior and emotions. For example, if you notice you're most frustrated when deadlines approach at work, you might decide to focus on improving your time management skills rather than trying to change your coworkers' work habits.
  • Develop a "letting go" ritual that you perform whenever you catch yourself holding onto resentment, such as writing down your feelings on a piece of paper and then shredding it.
    • This physical act symbolizes the release of negative emotions. If you're upset about a friend's comment, you might write down why it hurt you and how it's affecting your mood, then shred the paper to represent your decision to move past the anger.
  • Start a "positive change" challenge with yo ...

Get access to the context and additional materials

So you can understand the full picture and form your own opinion.
Get access for free

Create Summaries for anything on the web

Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser

Shortform Extension CTA