3 Steps to Eliminate Self Doubt & Get Everything You Want In Life
In this episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast, Robbins examines how witnessing others' successes can trigger feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. She shares how reframing these situations as lessons in perseverance and dedication can help channel that energy into motivation for pursuing one's own goals.
Robbins also emphasizes the importance of acknowledging weaknesses and embracing vulnerability as a pathway to growth. From confronting fears of being exposed as unqualified to pushing past self-imposed limitations, she provides insights on how to use feedback and overcome insecurities to unlock one's full potential.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Jul 15, 2024 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Other People's Success Triggering Insecurities
In this episode, Mel Robbins explores how witnessing the triumph of others, especially those we perceive as undeserving, can stir feelings of jealousy and inadequacy within us. However, Robbins reframes these triggering situations as valuable learning opportunities.
Recognizing the Source of Irritation
According to Robbins, when someone we deem less qualified achieves success, it exposes our own excuses and inaction rather than their inherent advantages. Her friend Molly's frustration with a thriving rival stems from Molly's own procrastination in pursuing her goals.
The "Irritating" Person as a Teacher
Robbins suggests viewing the "irritating" achiever as a mentor whose dedication and persistence showcase the concrete actions needed to close the gap between aspiration and action. Rather than wallowing in anger, she advocates channeling that energy into motivation to take daily steps towards your own goals.
Acknowledging and Learning From Weaknesses
Robbins openly discusses her early career struggles, emphasizing the importance of embracing vulnerability to facilitate growth.
Honesty Over Faking Competence
Robbins shares the painful experience of being publicly fired for pretending to have skills she lacked. She stresses that admitting what you don't know allows you to receive support and training, rather than struggling in silence.
Reframing Vulnerability
According to Robbins, overcoming embarrassment of being exposed as unqualified can cultivate a mindset of lifelong learning and willingness to ask for help. Acknowledging limitations also fosters trust from others.
Overcoming Self-Imposed Limitations
Robbins delves into how self-doubt and fear can restrict individuals from reaching their full potential and how to use feedback as motivation to grow.
Recognizing When You "Play Small"
Robbins recounts undervaluing herself early in her speaking career by charging less than advised, due to insecurity. She urges recognizing when you limit yourself and heeding advice from those who see your greater capabilities.
Transforming Critical Feedback into Action
Robbins advocates using harsh feedback pointing out your undervaluation as motivation to embrace bigger challenges and overcome fears. Pushing past comfort zones is essential for growth and achievement, according to Robbins.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- Success of others might not always be due to their dedication or persistence, but sometimes due to external factors like luck, timing, or privilege, which can be valid reasons for feeling frustrated.
- Viewing successful individuals as mentors might not always be practical, especially if their success is not replicable or if their methods are not ethical or align with one's values.
- Embracing vulnerability and admitting lack of skills can sometimes lead to professional setbacks or exploitation in competitive environments.
- Overcoming embarrassment is important, but there should be a balance to ensure one does not become overconfident or ignore the value of expertise.
- Self-doubt and fear can sometimes serve as protective mechanisms that prevent individuals from taking uncalculated risks that could lead to failure.
- Feedback is not always constructive or delivered with the intent to motivate; it can sometimes be demoralizing or based on the biases of the giver.
- Undervaluing oneself can be a result of systemic issues such as gender or racial pay gaps, and not solely due to personal insecurity.
- Transforming critical feedback into motivation assumes that all criticism is valid and overlooks the potential negative impact of unjust or harsh criticism on an individual's self-esteem and motivation.
Actionables
- You can create a "Success Inspiration Board" where you collect images and stories of people who have achieved goals similar to yours, focusing on the journey rather than the endpoint to remind yourself that success is a process and to use their stories as motivation rather than sources of jealousy.
- By actively curating a collection of motivational journeys, you shift your perspective from envy to inspiration. For example, if you're aiming to start a business, gather stories of entrepreneurs who overcame obstacles, highlighting the steps they took and the setbacks they faced. This can help you see the common struggles and reinforce the idea that difficulties are part of the path to success.
- Start a "Vulnerability Journal" where you document instances where you felt vulnerable or unqualified, followed by the actions you took to address these feelings and the outcomes, to track your growth and normalize the experience of vulnerability as part of learning.
- Keeping a journal like this helps you to recognize patterns in your reactions to vulnerability and to celebrate the progress you make when you confront these feelings. For instance, if you felt unqualified during a work presentation, write down how you prepared extra material to boost your confidence, and then reflect on the positive feedback you received.
- Initiate a "Feedback-to-Action Plan" where, after receiving critical feedback, you outline specific steps to improve on the points mentioned, set deadlines for these actions, and seek resources or support if needed, to transform criticism into a structured path for personal development.
- This plan turns potentially disheartening feedback into a constructive roadmap. For example, if someone points out a gap in your technical knowledge, your action plan might include enrolling in an online course, practicing the skill for a set number of hours per week, and then applying it to a real-world project or task by a certain date.
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Other people's success triggering your own insecurities
Mel Robbins delves into the psychological effects of witnessing the triumph of others, especially those you may not favor or believe to be undeserving. This reaction can be a turning point for personal growth and motivation.
Recognizing when the success of someone you dislike triggers feelings of jealousy or inadequacy within you
Robbins explores the idea that the ascendancy of individuals we perceive as less qualified or deserving than ourselves can stir feelings of irritation within us. These feelings often expose our shortcomings in regards to the pursuit of our ambitions. Through her discussions, particularly with her friend Molly, Robbins illustrates how witnessing a supposedly "irritating" person's success lays bare our own procrastination and avoidance of the necessary steps toward goal achievement. It’s less about the person’s inherent advantages and more to do with the observer's own actions, or lack thereof.
The success of an "irritating" person who you perceive as less qualified or skilled than you can expose your own avoidance of taking the necessary steps to achieve your goals
Molly’s frustration with a woman who thrives in their mutual professional field—despite lacking formal qualifications—highlights this issue. While Molly has hesitated to dive into social media marketing, the other woman has boldly entered the space and is receiving acclaim. Over the course of five years, Molly talked about her intention to break into social media without actually doing it, thereby highlighting a common problem: talking without doing.
Acknowledging that the reason this person's success bothers you is because it reveals your own excuses and inaction, rather than their inherent advantages
By focusing on the disparity between their actions and those of the person achieving success, Robbins suggests that Molly and individuals who share this sentiment can see this as a wake-up call—a bitter reminder of their own inertia.
Reframing these triggering situations as valuable learning opportunities
Robbins reframes the distressing emotions as insightful moments. The "irritating" person, who, Molly believes, had not even decorated her own house that she’s showing off on social media, can be seen as the perfect mentor. Their grit showcases what dedication and persistence can harness. This maddening "other" embodies the concrete action one must take to close the gap between yearning and doing.
Realizing ...
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Other people's success triggering your own insecurities
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Counterarguments
- The emotional response to others' success is subjective and can vary greatly among individuals; not everyone experiences jealousy or inadequacy when others succeed.
- Some people may feel inspired by others' success without any negative feelings, suggesting that the trigger for personal growth can also come from positive emotions.
- The perception of someone as "less qualified" is often subjective and may not accurately reflect their skills, effort, or the value they bring to their field.
- Success can sometimes be the result of unfair advantages, systemic biases, or sheer luck, rather than just hard work or merit, which the text does not seem to acknowledge.
- The idea that someone's success serves as a wake-up call assumes that the observer has not taken action, which may not be the case; some people may be working diligently towards their goals but have not yet achieved visible success.
- Framing someone's success as a learning opportunity can be beneficial, but it can also be patronizing or dismissive of the successful person's achievements, especially if their succ ...
Actionables
- Turn envy into a roadmap by writing down the specific achievements of others that make you feel jealous, then create a step-by-step plan to acquire the skills or milestones they represent.
- When you notice feelings of jealousy, grab a notebook and jot down exactly what about the other person's success is triggering these emotions. Is it their job title, their public speaking skills, or their network? Use this as a guide to set clear, actionable goals for yourself. For example, if you're envious of someone's promotion, outline the qualifications and experience needed for that role and set weekly targets to work on these areas.
- Start a 'reverse mentorship' by partnering with someone whose success you admire, agreeing to teach each other different skills or perspectives.
- Find a colleague or peer whose achievements spark a sense of inadequacy in you and propose a mutual exchange of knowledge. You might offer your expertise in a particular area in return for insights into how they've achieved their success. For instance, if they're excellent at time management, ask them to share their methods with you while you might help them with your knowledge of digital tools.
- Create an 'action trigger' plan where you identif ...
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Acknowledging and learning from your weaknesses
Mel Robbins openly discusses the learning curve she experienced early in her career and how it taught her to embrace vulnerability and grow from it.
Overcoming the impulse to hide or misrepresent your lack of knowledge or skills
Mel Robbins talks about her past mistakes with candid honesty, sharing the lessons she learned from pretending to be someone she wasn't in a professional setting.
The painful experience of being publicly called out for faking competence in a job you were unqualified for taught the importance of honesty and humility
As Robbins admits, she was unqualified for a job she talked her way into at a startup. She found herself pretending to work and avoiding the reality of her incompetence. This illusion continued until she was publicly called out in a predominantly male, engineer-driven environment. The confrontation was harsh and direct, leading to an embarrassing moment when she was fired and her belongings were removed from the office in full view of her colleagues.
Admitting what you don't know opens the door to getting the support and training needed to improve, rather than continuing to struggle in silence
Robbins emphasizes that being honest about your capabilities allows you to receive the help you need and start working towards genuine competence. By owning up to what she didn’t know, Robbins could have opened the door to getting the necessary support and training.
Reframing moments of vulnerability as opportunities for growth
Robbins reflects on how these difficult experiences can be redefined as pivotal points in personal and professional development.
Overcoming the embarrassment of being exposed as unqualified can lead to developing a mindset of lifelong learning and a willingness to ask for help
After being called out and subsequently terminated from her job, Robbins realized how this experience marked the be ...
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Acknowledging and learning from your weaknesses
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Counterarguments
- While embracing vulnerability can lead to growth, it's also important to recognize that not all environments are safe or supportive for individuals to admit their weaknesses, which could potentially lead to negative consequences rather than opportunities for learning.
- The idea of overcoming the impulse to hide a lack of knowledge assumes that individuals always have the choice to be open about their shortcomings, which may not be the case in highly competitive or unsupportive work cultures.
- Being publicly called out for incompetence can sometimes do more harm than good, damaging a person's professional reputation and self-esteem in ways that are not always recoverable or conducive to learning.
- Admitting ignorance can be beneficial, but it also requires a balance with demonstrating competence in areas where one is qualified, to maintain credibility and professional standing.
- Reframing vulnerability as an opportunity for growth is a positive perspective, but it may not account for the complex emotions and potential trauma associated with such experi ...
Actionables
- Start a "Vulnerability Journal" where you document instances where you feel out of your depth, noting how you addressed the situation and what you learned. This practice encourages self-reflection and helps you track your growth over time, making you more comfortable with acknowledging your limitations.
- Create a "Skill Swap" group among friends or colleagues where each person teaches something they're proficient in while openly admitting areas they want to improve. This fosters a supportive environment for learning and reinforces the value of honesty about one's abilities.
- Implement a "No Pretense P ...
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Overcoming self-imposed limitations
Mel Robbins discusses the hurdles of self-imposed limitations and how to utilize life triggers and feedback to surpass them and achieve greater personal success.
Recognizing when you are "playing small" due to fear or self-doubt
Robbins reflects on her early speaking career, admitting that she felt unworthy of high compensation due to self-doubt. Fearful of losing opportunities, she "played small" by not asking for the rates she deserved, despite being encouraged by others to charge more because she was undervaluing herself. Realizing this limitation, she encourages listeners to recognize where they might also be restricting themselves out of fear, whether in sharing creative work or pursuing ambitious goals.
Even when others recognize your true potential and encourage you to take bigger risks, your own insecurities can hold you back from reaching for more
Robbins emphasizes the importance of heeding the advice of those who recognize your potential. Reflecting on her personal journey, she shares how feedback from peers and professionals helped her see beyond the constraints she put on herself. When Robbins charged less for an event because of her fear of not being booked, despite advice to the contrary, self-doubt was the key factor holding her back.
Ignoring the advice and feedback of those who see your greater capabilities ensures you will continue to limit yourself
Robbins' experience underlines the disadvantages of ignoring the advice of those who can see beyond our self-imposed boundaries. By not taking their feedback seriously, one ensures that they remain stuck in a pattern of self-limitation.
Transforming moments of harsh feedback into fuel for action
Robbins' story of being informed by the head of HR that she was underpaid serves as an example of how biting feedback can be a powerful motivator. Recognizing that others perceived her as more valuable than she valued herself was a turning point.
When someone points out that you are undervaluing or underselling yourself, use that as motivation to step up and take on greater challenges
Upon receiving this honest input, Robbins suggests using such moments as impetus to embrace more substantial challenges. This confrontation with harsh truths can prompt one to step outside their comfort zone and strive towards undreamt of achievements.
Pushing past your comfort zone and embracing opportunities that initially seem out of reach is the only way to grow and achieve your full potential
In a ...
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Overcoming self-imposed limitations
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Counterarguments
- Recognizing self-imposed limitations is not always straightforward, and sometimes what appears to be a limitation is actually a realistic assessment of one's current skills or situation.
- Insecurities may sometimes serve as a protective mechanism, preventing individuals from taking on more than they can handle at a given time.
- Advice and feedback from others, while often valuable, may not always be accurate or applicable to one's unique circumstances and personal journey.
- Harsh feedback can sometimes be demotivating or damaging, depending on how it's delivered and received, and not everyone may have the resilience to use it as fuel for action.
- Pushing past comfort zones is not always the best approach for everyone; for some, gradual change may be more sustainable and less stressful.
- Opportunities that seem out of reach may indeed be unrealistic at times, and it's important to balance ambition with practical considerations.
- Critical feedback, while potentially useful, should ...
Actionables
- Create a "Limitation Ledger" to track and confront your fears by writing down instances when you feel limited by fear or self-doubt, then next to each, brainstorm one action you can take to challenge that limitation. For example, if you're afraid of public speaking, your action might be to give a toast at a family gathering.
- Start a "Feedback Flip" journal where you document critical feedback received and devise a plan to use it constructively. For instance, if someone says your work lacks creativity, you could set a goal to complete a daily creative exercise like doodling or writing flash fiction.
- Initiate a "100-Da ...
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