How to Build Closer Friendships & Get Rid Of Loneliness
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Mel Robbins explores the common lies and mental blocks that contribute to feelings of loneliness and hinder adult friendships. She shares her personal experiences with social comparison and the isolation stemming from curated social media posts.
Robbins challenges the widespread beliefs that others' lives are filled with constant socializing, that one must be universally liked, maintain lifelong friendships or be friends with everyone. She then offers practical strategies and mindset shifts to help build authentic connections, from adopting a flexible view of friendships to proactively taking steps like hosting social events and establishing daily check-ins. The episode provides insight into overcoming the barriers to cultivating meaningful adult relationships.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Jun 24, 2024 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
The speaker's personal experience with adult loneliness and social comparison
Mel Robbins admits she feels isolated and excluded after seeing friends' lively social media posts. She confesses to scrolling through posts about social events, amplifying her sense of being "the only loser" without plans. This feeling of exclusion is widely shared.
The common mental blocks and lies that hinder adult friendships
Lie #1: Everybody else's life is a huge party
Robbins challenges the belief that others constantly lead exciting social lives based on edited portrayals on social media.
Lie #2: People don't like me
Robbins confronts the "liking gap" - our tendency to underestimate how well we are liked by others, preventing social advances.
Lie #3: Best friends forever is a requirement
Robbins asserts that friendships naturally evolve, and holding onto them out of obligation obstructs developing new, fitting friendships.
Lie #4: One must be friends with everyone
Robbins encourages accepting that not everyone is meant to be a friend, allowing us to nurture meaningful connections.
Lie #5: I'm too busy/tired/introverted for friendship-building efforts
Robbins shares how excuses like being too busy, tired or introverted can justify not sustaining friendships.
Practical strategies and mindset shifts to improve adult friendships
Adopt a "friends for a reason, season, or lifetime" framework
Robbins proposes rethinking BFF as "best friends are flexible" based on current passions and goals. She categorizes friends as those for a "reason," "season," or "lifetime" to help understand relationship progression.
Take consistent, proactive action to build new connections
Robbins emphasizes initiative in forming adult friendships, like her experience organizing a social event via Instagram, as comfort often conflicts with required effort.
Establish a daily habit of reaching out to friends
Robbins advises sending check-in messages and video updates to strengthen bonds. She showcases how technology like group chats can sustain new friendships.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While Robbins suggests that not everyone is meant to be a friend, it's also true that sometimes friendships require patience and understanding to develop deeper connections, which might initially seem unlikely.
- The idea that we should categorize friends for a "reason, season, or lifetime" might oversimplify complex human relationships and not account for the unpredictable nature of how friendships can evolve.
- Robbins' advice to take proactive action in forming friendships could be challenging for individuals with social anxiety or other psychological barriers, and might require more nuanced strategies.
- The recommendation to establish a daily habit of reaching out to friends may not be practical or welcomed by all friends, as some individuals may prefer less frequent, but more meaningful interactions.
- The use of technology like group chats to sustain friendships might not be as effective for everyone, as some people may find in-person interactions more fulfilling or may experience digital communication as impersonal.
- The belief that social media portrays an edited version of life could be countered by acknowledging that some individuals do share authentic and less curated aspects of their lives, providing a more balanced view of their reality.
- The "liking gap" concept, while often true, might not apply universally; some individuals may have an accurate perception of how they are liked, or may even overestimate it.
- The notion that holding onto friendships out of obligation is obstructive could be challenged by the perspective that sometimes friendships endure rough patches and that commitment can lead to a renewed and deeper connection later on.
- The idea that excuses like being too busy or tired justify not sustaining friendships might overlook legitimate life circumstances where individuals genuinely cannot prioritize socializing due to other pressing responsibilities or health issues.
Actionables
- Create a "friendship reflection journal" to explore your feelings of loneliness and social comparison. Write down instances when you feel left out or compare yourself to others on social media. Reflect on these moments to identify triggers and brainstorm ways to counteract these feelings, such as reaching out to someone you've lost touch with or engaging in a self-care activity that boosts your mood.
- Develop a "connection calendar" to schedule regular, low-pressure social interactions. Set aside time each week to initiate contact with someone you'd like to get to know better or reconnect with. This could be as simple as sending a text to check in, inviting someone for a walk, or scheduling a coffee date. The goal is to make relationship-building a regular part of your routine without overcommitting your time or energy.
- Organize a "new friend mixer" in your community or among your existing social circles. Invite a small group of acquaintances who don't know each other well but share common interests. Facilitate a relaxed environment where everyone can share something about themselves, such as a hobby or a recent experience. This encourages forming new connections and demonstrates the value of expanding your social network beyond your current circle.
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The speaker's personal experience with adult loneliness and social comparison
Mel Robbins candidly discusses her personal battles with feelings of loneliness and the pitfalls of social comparison due to social media.
The speaker shares her own struggle with feeling left out and lonely after seeing friends' social media posts
Mel Robbins admits that seeing the lively social lives of others displayed on social media platforms like Instagram leaves her feeling isolated and excluded. She confesses to engaging in what she terms "self-torture," as she scrolls through images and stories of people attending incredible social gatherings, which only amplifies her sense of being "the only loser on the planet" without plans. This often results in Robbins sitting on the couch, dwelling in self-pity, and feeling as though she’s on the outside looking in on everyone else's fun-filled lives.
The speaker admits going down a "rabbit hole" of comparing her social life to the highlighted experiences of others online
Robbins describes how, particularly when she returns home from work and logs into her social media accounts, she is greeted by a barrage of posts about vibrant social events that she’s not a part of. This experience leads her down a "rabbit hole" of unfavorable social comparison.
The speaker recognizes this tendency to feel like the "only loser" without social pl ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The speaker's personal experience with adult loneliness and social comparison
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Social media is a curated highlight reel, not an accurate representation of everyday life.
- Feelings of loneliness and inadequacy can be exacerbated by factors other than social media, such as personal insecurities or life circumstances.
- Not everyone experiences loneliness or inadequacy due to social media; some people use these platforms as a means of connection and support.
- The perception of being the "only loser" without plans is a cognitive distortion and not reflective of reality.
- Robbins' experience, while valid, may not be universal; different individuals have varied reactions to social media.
- It's possible to engage with social media in a healthy way that doesn't lead to negative social comparisons.
- The impact of social media on feelings of loneliness and social comparison can be mitigated through digital literacy and critical engagement with these platforms.
- Robbins' feelings of loneliness might be mo ...
Actionables
- Create a "real-life moments" photo album where you capture ordinary daily scenes, like your morning coffee or a book you're reading, to remind yourself that everyone's life includes mundane moments, not just the highlights often portrayed on social media. This can help you appreciate the normalcy of your own life and reduce the tendency to compare it to the seemingly perfect lives online.
- Start a digital detox challenge with friends where you all agree to limit social media use to a specific short time daily or weekly. Use the extra time to engage in activities that foster real-world connections, such as group hobbies, book clubs, or sports, which can help alleviate feelings of loneliness by creating shared experiences away from onli ...
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The common mental blocks and lies that hinder adult friendships
Mel Robbins confronts the misconceptions and falsehoods that hinder the forming and maintaining of adult friendships, exposing the mental blocks that can cause loneliness and social stagnation.
Lie #1: Everybody else's life is a huge party
Mel Robbins challenges the widespread belief that everyone else is leading a constantly exciting social life. She discusses how looking at groups of people who seem to have the time of their lives on social media can lead to feelings of exclusion and loneliness. Addressing the fallacy perpetuated by social media, Robbins points out that these platforms often present a filtered, unrealistic view of social lives and warns against comparing one’s own life to these portrayals. Moreover, she admits her own internal struggle with this lie, recognizing that while she might find herself yearning to be at a huge party, she is more introverted in her personal life and this is perfectly okay.
Lie #2: People don't like me
Robbins confesses to telling herself the lie that others may not like her or are upset with her, and she acknowledges the mental programming that reinforces this negativity. She introduces the concept of the "liking gap," research from psychologists at Cornell, Harvard, and Yale, which shows that people often underestimate how well they are liked by others. This gap can prevent individuals from making social advances due to incorrect assumptions about others' perceptions. Robbins suggests confronting this lie by imagining that people do in fact like you and by being authentically yourself in social situations.
Lie #3: Best friends forever is a requirement
Addressing the pressure to maintain permanent friendships, Robbins speaks to the lie of "best friends forever," emphasizing that it is natural for friendships to evolve and sometimes dissolve as life’s priorities change. She asserts that holding onto friendships out of a misplaced sense of obligation can cause resentment and obstruct the development of new, potentially more fitting, friendships. Robbins emphasizes the importance of allowing friendships to ebb and flow without the need to label or fixate on them.
Lie #4: One must be friends with everyone
Robbi ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The common mental blocks and lies that hinder adult friendships
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While social media can present an unrealistic view of social lives, it's also a tool that can facilitate connections and friendships when used appropriately.
- Underestimating how well one is liked might sometimes protect against potential social embarrassment or overstepping boundaries.
- The concept of "best friends forever" can provide a sense of stability and long-term support that some individuals find valuable and fulfilling.
- While it's true that not everyone will be a friend, actively trying to connect with a wide range of people can lead to unexpected and ...
Actionables
- You can initiate a "Like Minded" book club where each member invites someone they don't know well but would like to befriend, focusing on the theme of friendship and social misconceptions. This creates a structured environment for building new friendships and discussing the evolution of relationships, which can lead to a deeper understanding of how friendships change over time.
- Organize a "Perception Party" where attendees share stories about times they thought they weren't liked but were proven wrong. This activity encourages vulnerability and can help break down the barriers caused by underestimating how well we are liked by others.
- Start a "No ...
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Practical strategies and mindset shifts to improve adult friendships
Mel Robbins discusses strategies and mindset shifts to improve adult friendships, recognizing the natural progression of relationships, and focusing on proactive actions to build new connections.
Adopt a framework of "friends for a reason, season, or lifetime"
Understanding the natural progression and flexibility of different types of friendships
Robbins proposes rethinking the concept of BFF (best friends forever) as "best friends are flexible," focusing on the concept that friendships are based on current energies, passions, and goals rather than history. She categorizes friendships into "friends for a reason," "friends for a season," and "friends for a lifetime," to help understand why certain friendships are present in an individual's life.
The "friends for a season" may include college buddies or companions from early parenthood, who could become distant as life shifts. In contrast, "friends for a lifetime" are those constant figures in your life you can always rely on.
Letting go of the pressure to maintain every friendship forever
Friendships may fade as priorities change, such as getting married or changes in interests like dietary habits or activism. Robbins advocates for being flexible with friendships, recognizing that it's natural for the intensity of relationships to vary without necessarily ending them.
She also suggests that it's okay for friendships to become less close due to changes in life circumstances—it doesn’t imply the end of the friendship. Robbins encourages taking the pressure off to maintain every friendship at a consistently high level of intensity.
Take consistent, proactive action to build new connections
Robbins emphasizes the importance of taking initiative in adult friendship formation. Forming new friendships in adulthood requires more effort than in childhood or student years due to less overlap in social circles.
Recognizing the increased effort required to form adult friendships compared to childhood/student years
Robbins encourages adults to understand the necessity of effort in forming friendships, as comfort and convenience often conflict with the work needed to build new relationships.
Seeking out opportunities to meet new people and invest in growing relationships
Taking the initiative to create social opportunities is key. Robbins recounts her experience of DMing Annette, a flower farm owner, on Instagram and organizing a gathering that not only helped Annette but also fostered a new circle of friends.
Establish a daily habi ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Practical strategies and mindset shifts to improve adult friendships
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The categorization of friendships into "reason, season, or lifetime" may oversimplify complex human relationships and not account for the fluidity and evolving nature of friendships.
- The idea of letting go of friendships as priorities change might discourage people from working through the natural ebbs and flows that occur in long-term relationships.
- Proactive steps to form new friendships can be challenging for individuals with social anxiety or introverted personalities, and the strategies may not be one-size-fits-all.
- The daily habit of reaching out to friends might not be sustainable or welcomed by all, as some individuals may prefer less frequent, but more meaningful, interactions.
- Over-reliance on technology for maintaining friendships could potentially weaken the depth of connections, as digital communication often lacks the nuances of face-to-face interactions.
- The assumption that friendships fade due to changing life circumstances doesn't always consider that some friendships may endure despite signi ...
Actionables
- Create a friendship map to visualize the different connections in your life and their current status. Draw a simple diagram with circles representing each friend, and categorize them based on the nature of your relationship, such as work, hobbies, or past experiences. Connect these circles with lines that represent the strength and type of your connection, like a thick line for strong, ongoing friendships and a dotted line for those that are fading or occasional. This visual tool can help you see where you might want to invest more time or which friendships are naturally phasing out.
- Start a monthly "New Friends Dinner" where you invite acquaintances or people you've recently met to your home. This creates a casual setting to deepen potential friendships without the pressure of one-on-one interactions. Rotate the guest list each month to include different people from various aspects of your life, such as neighbors, colleagues, or parents from your child's school. This can help expand your social circle and give you a regular opportunity to foster new relationships.
- Volunteer for a ...
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