How to Motivate Yourself (and Others) to Change Any Behavior

This article explores how the human need for control influences behavior change and why traditional approaches often fail. Mel Robbins and Tali Sharot share insights into the psychology behind why people resist being changed by others and how this resistance can be overcome.

Humans have a fundamental need for control and agency over their own lives and decisions

Every individual desires a sense of control and agency over their decisions and lives. Robbins uses the term 'agency' to describe this need to govern oneself. People often attempt to modify the behavior of those around them (family, employees, colleagues) to control their environment, though this urge may be subconscious. However, Robbins and Sharot point out that this strategy often fails because it conflicts with the individual's need for autonomy.

When people feel controlled, it diminishes their motivation and could even cause anxiety. While the desire to control can be adaptive, allowing one to gain rewards and avoid harms, it may be problematic in relationships, making the other person feel inadequate. There's often a conflict between a person’s desire to change others for their purported betterment and the other person's fundamental right to make their own decisions.

Negative reinforcement like fear, threats, and guilt are ineffective in driving proactive behavior change

Robbins speaks about the common but ineffective approach to change through negative reinforcement, threats, and fear, which can build resistance to change. Sharot elaborates that change is hard because the current state is comfortable and familiar, whereas change requires effort and brings uncertainty, which is generally disliked.

She advises against dictating actions but rather suggests offering various options consonant with what the person actually wants, aligning with their autonomy and desire for positive progression. Robbins and Sharot agree that individuals are more likely to resist change if they feel it's being imposed on them.

Further, Robbins explains that in relationships, suggestions for improvement can be perceived as co ...

In this episode, Robbins and Sharot delve into what it takes to inspire change both in oneself and others, discussing the power of social proof, immediate rewards, and progress tracking to motivate behavior change.

Leveraging social proof and positive peer influence

Highlighting the good behaviors and habits of others can inspire people to emulate them

Robbins and Sharot highlight the influence that visibility of good behaviors can have on others. For instance, someone eating an apple on a subway can subconsciously influence nearby people’s food choices. This social proof shows how our actions can affect those around us. Additionally, emotions like joy or stress can also impact others via emotional contagion.

Tali Sharot emphasizes the powerful effect of social proof, mentioning that knowing a large percentage of the population is engaging in positive behavior motivates individuals to participate. This is backed by an example from the British government, which used social proof in tax letters to boost compliance by 15%.

Modeling the desired change yourself is more impactful than just telling others to do it

Sharot underlines modeling behavior as a crucial strategy. For example, not being on your phone around children encourages them to spend less time on theirs or demonstrating healthy eating to inspire others to follow suit. Visible positive actions set a powerful example for others to follow.

Providing immediate, positive reinforcements for progress

Attaching small, rewarding experiences to completing steps toward a goal boosts motivation

To sustain motivation towards behavior change, Sharot suggests attaching pleasurable experiences, such as watching a favorite show while on a treadmill or enjoying a piece of chocolate for wearing a helmet on a bike ride.

Moreover, providing reinforcing social feedback can serve as an immediate reward. Sharot shares an example of thanking someone for asking about your day, which encourages them to continue being considerate.

Celebrating small wins and improvements is more effective than focusing on the end result

Sharot and Robbins also recommend celebrating small wins like recognizing a child for a healthy food choice or acknowledging someone's efforts in taking kids to school. Immediate, positive feedback, such as "well done" messages for handwashing in hospitals, ...

While the discussion does not directly address real-life situations like changing habits or finding a new job, the principles highlighted by Sharot and Robbins can still effectively guide individuals through such processes.

Frame change as an opportunity for variety, learning, and enhancement rather than just avoiding problems

It is suggested that individuals seeking change, whether in habits or career, should view the transition as an exciting chance for development and not merely a flight from issues. Despite an innate aversion to uncertainty, Sharot refers to research demonstrating that change is often beneficial. One study showed that when participants let the flip of a virtual coin dictate their decisions, those who embraced change reportedly fared better. This implies that individuals are hardwired to enjoy novelty and self-improvement, indicating that framing change positively could leverage our natural inclinations towards personal growth.

Seek out support and accountability from those who understand your specific goals and challenges

According to Robbins, a significant hurdle in achieving personal change is the lack of support from one's social circle, particularly when they do not share your goals. This lack of shared aspirations may unwittingly sabotage your progress. Therefore, Sharot and Robbins both emphasize the importance of finding support and accountability from those who genuinely understand the challenges associated with your objectives.

Sharot suggests finding support groups and communities, possibly on social media platforms, that align with y ...