Podcasts > The Mel Robbins Podcast > 3 Simple Ways to Get the Love You Want

3 Simple Ways to Get the Love You Want

By Stitcher

In "The Mel Robbins Podcast," host Mel Robbins dives into the profound and far-reaching concept of love. Not content to limit love to its romantic expressions, Robbins explores its transformative power in all aspects of life. Whether it's a principal's affirming words changing the trajectory of her students' lives or a simple gesture of kindness from everyday acquaintances like Mike and Paul, Robbins illuminates how love and the fundamental sense of feeling valued can dramatically impact individuals and communities. Citing the long-term Harvard Study of Adult Development and the University of Chicago research, she supports her insights with scholarly evidence, showcasing the profound benefits of even fleeting social interactions.

But Mel doesn't shy away from the complexities of love, tackling the challenge of conditional affection that many adults carry from childhood into their relationships. She urges her audience to break free from this cycle, advocating for open-hearted communication and proactiveness in expressing love. Daily acts of kindness, reconnecting with old friends, compliments, and heartfelt conversations are just some of the practical suggestions Robbins offers for spreading more love in the world. In her candid and compassionate style, Mel Robbins urges us to be explicit in our expressions of love, to ensure that our appreciation is not just understood but deeply felt, offering a blueprint for richer, more connected relationships and community bonds.

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3 Simple Ways to Get the Love You Want

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3 Simple Ways to Get the Love You Want

1-Page Summary

The versatility and ubiquity of love

Mel Robbins showcases love's diverse manifestations, explaining that it reaches far beyond romantic feelings and profoundly impacts individuals and communities. She argues that love encompasses showing people they are valued and believing in their potential. Robbins illustrates this with Linda Cliet Wayman's story, the principal at Strawberry Mansion, who told students daily, "If no one told you they loved you today, remember, I do, and I always will." This practice of expressing love and belief in her students resulted in significant academic improvements and college acceptance rates.

Additionally, Robbins broadens love to include interactions with service providers, like Mike the UPS driver and Paul the building manager, highlighting how they make her feel valued. She reinforces the power of human connection and the feeling of being valued through scholarly studies, including the Harvard Study of Adult Development and a University of Chicago study. Both affirm small interactions with strangers as a means to cultivate a sense of connectedness.

Breaking cycles of withheld love

Mel Robbins addresses the challenge of overcoming a history of conditional love. She discusses how many people are raised with love that is contingent on the child's success or the caregiver's mood, impacting their adult abilities to give and receive love. She points out that some individuals are skeptical of her expressions of love because of such past experiences. Robbins champions the proactive approach to break the cycle of conditional love within families, advocating for the initiation of open expressions of love to shift dynamics towards freely given and received affection.

Practical everyday ways to spread more love

Robbins emphasizes daily kindness as a way to convey love to others, suggesting actions like remembering birthdays or lending a helping hand. These gestures affirm others' significance and exemplify love. She proposes reaching out to an old friend or complimenting someone in your daily life, highlighting these acts' ability to make someone feel appreciated. Robbins also talks about connecting with others through genuine listening and attention, making them feel loved by showing sincere interest in their stories. She concludes by encouraging people to express their love explicitly, ensuring that others are aware of their feelings. This clear verbalization of love helps guarantee that appreciation is both felt and understood.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Conditional love is affection given based on certain conditions being met, like success or behavior. When individuals grow up receiving love only when they fulfill specific expectations, it can affect their ability to freely give and receive love as adults. This upbringing can lead to skepticism or difficulty in accepting love that is not tied to achievements or compliance. Overcoming this conditioning involves recognizing these patterns and actively working to cultivate a more unconditional and open approach to expressing and receiving love.

Counterarguments

  • While expressing love and belief in others can lead to improvements, it is not a guaranteed solution for academic success; other factors like socioeconomic status, access to resources, and individual learning needs also play critical roles.
  • Small interactions with strangers might not always cultivate a sense of connectedness for everyone; some individuals may require deeper, more sustained relationships to feel connected.
  • The idea that open expressions of love can break the cycle of conditional love is optimistic, but it may oversimplify the complexities involved in changing deep-seated family dynamics and emotional patterns.
  • Daily acts of kindness are important, but they should not replace the need for systemic changes that address larger issues of inequality and social support.
  • Reaching out to old friends or complimenting someone can be positive, but it's important to respect boundaries and recognize that not everyone may welcome such interactions.
  • Genuine listening and attention are valuable, but they must be accompanied by a willingness to act on what is heard, especially in relationships where there is an imbalance of power or support.
  • Explicitly expressing love is important, but it should be done in a way that is comfortable and consensual for all parties involved; not everyone may feel comfortable with direct verbal expressions of love.

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3 Simple Ways to Get the Love You Want

The versatility and ubiquity of love

Mel Robbins delves into the many expressions of love, illustrating that it can manifest beyond romantic affection and deeply influence individuals and communities.

Love can be about believing in someone's potential, not just affection

Mel Robbins extends the definition of love, suggesting that it's about showing people they matter and believing in their potential. She shares an inspiring story to demonstrate this point.

Linda Cliet Wayman showed this by telling struggling students she loved and believed in them every day

Mel Robbins tells the tale of Linda Cliet Wayman, who took on the role of principal at Strawberry Mansion, a school in Pennsylvania known for its dangerous environment. Wayman believed that the students were missing hope and that every child had the potential for greatness. To combat this, she established a daily ritual: at the end of every school day, she used the PA system to tell her students, "If no one told you they loved you today, remember, I do, and I always will." This daily affirmation of love and belief led to remarkable progress at the school, with a drastic increase in the number of students proficient in math and reading, and 94% of seniors being accepted into college.

You can love people you don't know well, like service providers who make you feel you matter

Mel Robbins extends the concept of love to include everyday interactions with service providers like maintenance persons or delivery drivers.

Mike the UPS driver and Paul the building manager

Mel Robbins specifically highlights her appreciation for Mike the UPS driver and Paul the building manager—figures who may seem peripheral in one’s life but make her feel valued through their actions and service.

Science confirms social interactions cultivate love by making people feel they matter

Robbins reinforces the importance of feeling valued and loved through studies that emphasize the power of human connection.

...

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The versatility and ubiquity of love

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Linda Cliet Wayman was a principal at Strawberry Mansion, a school in Pennsylvania known for its challenging environment. She believed in the potential of every student and implemented a daily ritual of affirming her love and belief in them over the school's PA system. This practice led to significant academic improvements, with a notable increase in students proficient in math and reading, and a high percent ...

Counterarguments

  • Love as a concept is subjective and culturally variable; not all cultures or individuals may agree with the broadened definition of love presented here.
  • The impact of telling someone you love and believe in them, while positive, may not be sufficient on its own to overcome systemic issues or personal trauma that students or individuals face.
  • The effectiveness of expressing love in a school or community setting may depend on the authenticity of the message and the broader context in which it is delivered.
  • While service providers may indeed contribute to a sense of being valued, it's important to recognize that these interactions are often transactional and may not always constitute a form of love.
  • The studies mentioned provide evidence for the importance of social connections, but they do not necessarily prove that all social interactions are rooted in love.
  • The idea that small intera ...

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3 Simple Ways to Get the Love You Want

Breaking cycles of withheld love

Robbins tackles the difficult topic of how a history of conditional love can lead to challenges in giving and receiving love in adulthood. She delves into why people are often stingy with their expressions of love and how this cycle can be broken.

Many grew up with conditional love and now struggle receiving or giving unconditional love

Robbins suggests that many people may have been raised in environments where love was transactional or conditional. This upbringing based on the caregiver's mood, the child's success, or an expectation of equivalent exchange, can leave lasting impacts.

This causes some to react negatively when Mel says "I love you" without knowing them

These circumstances potentially lead to adults who feel love must be earned or who are skeptical of its persistence, prompting distrust or a negative response to love shown by someone unfamiliar. Robbins notes that when she expresses love to listeners she hasn't personally met, some may react negatively, which she attributes to their exper ...

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Breaking cycles of withheld love

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Conditional love is given based on certain conditions being met, such as good behavior or achievements. It can create a sense that love must be earned through specific actions or outcomes. Unconditional love, on the other hand, is given without any requirements or expectations; it is freely given regardless of circumstances. Understanding the difference between these two types of love is crucial in relationships and personal growth.
  • Conditional love is a type of affection that is given based on certain conditions being met, such as a child's behavior or achievements. This can create a dynamic where love is not freely given but rather earned through meeting expectations. In the context of the text, examples of conditional love include caregivers showing affection only when a child behaves a certain way or achieves specific goals. This upbringing can lead to challenges in giving and receiving love in adulthood, as individuals may struggle with the concept of unconditional love.
  • Conditional love in childhood can impact adult relationships by instilling beliefs that love must be earned through meeting certain conditions or expectations. This upbringing can lead to difficulties in both giving and receiving love unconditionally, as individuals may struggle with feelings of worthiness and trust in relationships. Adults who experienced conditional love as children may find it challenging to express love freely or to accept love without skepticism, potentially creating barriers to forming healthy, genuine connections with others. These early experiences can contribute to cycles of withheld love and emotional barriers that may need to be consciously addressed and broken in order to foster more fulfilling and authentic re ...

Counterarguments

  • While many individuals may indeed struggle with giving or receiving unconditional love due to past experiences, it's also possible that some people's discomfort with expressions of love is not solely due to a history of conditional love but could be influenced by personality traits, cultural norms, or other personal experiences.
  • The negative reaction to expressions of love from someone unfamiliar, such as Mel Robbins saying "I love you" to listeners, might not always be a result of conditional love in one's past. Some individuals may have privacy concerns or believe that love should be a deeply personal and intimate expression that requires a significant relationship.
  • The idea of breaking the cycle of withheld love by being the first to openly express love is a positive step, but it may not be sufficient on its own. Other factors, such as therapy, self-reflection, and understanding the root causes of one's emotional responses, might also be necessary to effectively address and heal from the effects of conditional love.
  • Robbins' approach assumes that openly expressing love is universally seen as positive and beneficial. However, there may be cultural or individual d ...

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3 Simple Ways to Get the Love You Want

Practical everyday ways to spread more love

Practical measures can be employed daily to foster more expressions of love. Robbins provides insight into simple yet meaningful actions that can make a difference in someone's day.

Do one small thing daily to make someone feel they matter through attention or appreciation

Robbins underscores the significance of small, daily acts of kindness to make others feel valued and appreciated. She believes that such acts, like remembering someone's birthday or lending a hand at work, are manifestations of love.

Text an old friend or compliment a helpful stranger

Robbins suggests reaching out to someone you haven’t spoken to in a while or offering appreciation to someone from your daily life, such as a bus driver or a grocery store worker. Mel Robbins also encourages sending texts as simple actions to make someone feel special—whether it's an expression of love to a familiar face or affirmation of appreciation.

Give people genuine listening and attention to make them feel loved

Robbins speaks to connecting deeply with others through genuine listening and attention. For example, engaging in a deep conversation with a stranger and showing sincere interest in their stories is a way to make them feel important and loved. Robbins's approach to unlocking individuals’ potential by believing in them unconditionally aligns with the principle of giving peopl ...

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Practical everyday ways to spread more love

Additional Materials

Clarifications

  • Mel Robbins is a motivational speaker, author, and former CNN commentator known for her self-help books and TEDx talks. She gained fame for her "5 Second Rule" technique, which focuses on taking action and overcoming self-doubt. Robbins often shares practical advice on personal development, productivity, and overcoming obstacles in life. Her work emphasizes the importance of mindset shifts and taking small steps towards achieving goals.
  • Verbalizing love involves openly expressing feelings of love and appreciation towards others through words. This can include directly telling family members and friends that you love them to ...

Counterarguments

  • While small acts of kindness are valuable, they may not always be perceived as manifestations of love, especially in professional settings where boundaries are important.
  • Remembering someone's birthday or lending a hand at work can sometimes be seen as obligatory social niceties rather than genuine expressions of love.
  • Texting an old friend or complimenting a stranger can be positive, but it might also be misinterpreted or unwelcome depending on the context and the individuals' preferences for communication.
  • Reaching out to someone after a long period of silence might be appreciated, but it could also reopen old wounds or be seen as insincere if not accompanied by a sustained effort to maintain the relationship.
  • Offering appreciation is generally positive, but it should be genuine; otherwise, it can come across as patronizing or disingenuous.
  • While giving genuine listening and attention is often beneficial, it's important to respect others' boundaries and recognize that not everyone may want to engage in deep conversations or share personal stories.
  • Believing in someone unconditionally is a strong way to show support, but it's also important to provide constructive feedback and recognize that unconditional belief without accountability can sometimes enable harmful behaviors.
  • Expressing love is important, but it's also essential to respect that some individuals may have different ways of interpreting and receiving love, such as through acts of service or qual ...

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