The Surprising Link Between People Pleasing & Your Health: MD’s Recommendation on How to Say “No”
Join The Mel Robbins Podcast for a transformative conversation with Dr. Neha Sangwan on the intricate web between the compulsion to please and its impact on health. In a world where being a "yes person" often seems the path to success, Sangwan and Robbins shine a light on the dark repercussions of chasing approval at the expense of authenticity. Their discussion is rich with personal anecdotes, from Robbins' own journey grappling with resentment to Sangwan's reflections on choosing careers aligned with parental expectations instead of personal passion.
The episode navigates the emotional landscapes of anxiety and bitterness that arise from overstepped boundaries, incorporating poignant stories like Sangwan's confrontation with her limits during a breakdown in her medical career. They explore strategies for asserting oneself, like establishing healthier professional boundaries and the 'me, we, world' framework, as tools to maintain a work-life balance. Delve into the profound wisdom shared by Sangwan and Robbins that not only uncovers the pitfalls of people-pleasing but also offers pathways to resilience and the freedom of authentic choices for improved well-being.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Nov 16, 2023 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Understanding People-Pleasing
The Dangers of Being a "Yes Person"
Dr. Neha Sangwan and Mel Robbins delve into the risks accompanying the behavior of a "yes person," where the innate desire to gain approval and avoid conflict leads to the loss of an individual's internal compass. The compulsion for applause and the aversion to confrontation at any cost can have detrimental effects on a person's authenticity and sense of self.
Personal Stories: Reflections from Dr. Neha Sangwan and Mel Robbins
Both Sangwan and Robbins contribute personal narratives to the topic of people-pleasing. Robbins reflects on her experiences leading to resentment, paralleled by Sangwan's sharing of how she pursued careers in engineering and medicine due to her parents' unrealized dreams, rather than her own passion.
The Roots of People-Pleasing: Family and Society's Role
Sangwan touches upon the impact of familial and societal expectations in shaping people-pleasing tendencies. She also brings attention to the formative experiences that influence such behavior, such as her separation from her parents during infancy and later exposure to her father's anger.
The Impact of People-Pleasing on Mental Health
Anxiety, Bitterness, and Resentment: Emotional Consequences
Constantly striving to make others happy and agreeing to things against one's desire can pave the way for feelings of anxiety and bitterness. Resentment, Sangwan highlights, is a clear indicator that an individual's personal boundaries have been overstepped.
Professional Strain and Personal Breakdowns
Sangwan recalls a moment as a medical professional when an excessive workload led her to a mental breakdown. This compelling account underlines the importance of managing one's workload and the necessity of recognizing one's limits within a professional setting.
Formative Experiences and People-Pleasing Behaviors
Robbins and Sangwan discuss experiences from Sangwan's past that led her to prioritize her family and community's approval over her own authentic choices. They address the widespread experience of sacrificing personal integrity for acceptance, referencing Gabor Maté's theory of favoring attachment over authenticity.
Taking on People-Pleasing in the Workplace
Navigating Professional Demands and Avoiding Burnout
Sangwan encountered people-pleasing tendencies not only in her personal choices but also within the demanding environment of her workplace. She was exacerbating this behavior while trying to cope with the challenges of hospital understaffing and a hostile work environment.
Strategies for Healthier Professional Boundaries
To effectively manage people-pleasing tendencies, especially in professional settings, Sangwan advises establishing clear boundaries and exemplifying how to navigate discussions related to work-life imbalance.
'Me, We, World' Framework: A Tool for Better Work-Life Balance
Sangwan introduces a 'me, we, world' framework meant to address problems at different levels: personal responsibility, collective interactions, and the larger societal context. This approach is particularly insightful for addressing often-overlooked people-pleasing tendencies within the medical field.
Strategies for Overcoming People-Pleasing
Sangwan's "The Awareness Prescription": Reflective Questions to Identify Stress
Sangwan, in her book "TalkRx," introduces "the awareness prescription," which includes five reflective questions meant to uncover stress factors contributing to illness, aiding in the healing process. This approach encourages patients to consider various aspects of their condition and their overall health needs.
Setting and Communicating Personal Boundaries
In their discussions about managing uncomfortable feelings, Robbins and Sangwan converge on the idea that setting and communicating personal boundaries is crucial in resisting the urge to please everyone around us.
Physical Exercise as a Pathway to Mental Resilience
Mel Robbins cites a meta-analysis from Harvard Medical School that emphasizes the significance of physical exercise over medication and therapy for certain mental health conditions, corroborating Sangwan's ideas about the vital mind-body connection.
Fostering Personal Authenticity and Well-Being
Identifying and Addressing Resentment
Neha and Mel discuss resentment as a crucial indicator that one's boundaries have been breached. Addressing this emotion is essential to fostering personal authenticity and well-being.
Self-Communication and Inner Stability
Both hosts stress the importance of robust self-communication for maintaining inner stability against the currents of life's pressures, supporting the idea that being aware of internal discomfort is key to making choices true to oneself.
Making Authentic Choices: The Key to Improved Well-Being
The power of making authentic choices is echoed throughout the podcast. Sangwan and Robbins encourage listeners to embrace their core strengths, reflect on these ideas, and make decisions that prioritize their well-being.
Concluding Thoughts
Acknowledging the Link Between Habits and Health
The discussion culminates with an affirmation of the connection between people-pleasing habits and health issues, advocating for a more profound understanding of oneself and the commitment to establish personal boundaries to improve overall well-being. Robbins concludes by inspiring listeners to discover their truth and make choices that genuinely benefit their lives.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The 'Me, We, World' framework is a concept introduced by Dr. Neha Sangwan to address issues at different levels: personal responsibility ('Me'), collective interactions ('We'), and the larger societal context ('World'). It aims to provide a holistic approach to understanding and tackling challenges related to people-pleasing tendencies, particularly in professional settings. This framework encourages individuals to consider how their personal choices impact not only themselves but also their relationships with others and the broader community. By emphasizing the interconnectedness of personal well-being with social dynamics and societal influences, the 'Me, We, World' framework offers a comprehensive perspective on navigating and overcoming people-pleasing behaviors.
- Dr. Neha Sangwan's "The Awareness Prescription" consists of reflective questions designed to help individuals identify stress factors contributing to illness and aid in the healing process. These questions prompt individuals to delve into various aspects of their condition and overall health needs, fostering self-awareness and insight. By reflecting on these questions, individuals can uncover underlying stressors and work towards improving their well-being through a deeper understanding of their own experiences and emotions. This approach encourages patients to take an active role in their healing journey by addressing the root causes of their stress and illness.
- Physical exercise is often highlighted as a beneficial intervention for certain mental health conditions due to its ability to improve mood, reduce stress, and enhance overall well-being. Research suggests that regular exercise can have positive effects on conditions like depression and anxiety by promoting the release of endorphins and reducing inflammation in the body. While medication and therapy are essential treatments for many mental health issues, incorporating physical activity into one's routine can complement these interventions and contribute to a holistic approach to mental well-being. It's important to note that the effectiveness of exercise can vary depending on individual circumstances and the specific mental health condition being addressed.
Counterarguments
- While setting clear boundaries is important, it's also necessary to recognize that flexibility can be beneficial in relationships and work environments.
- The emphasis on individual authenticity might overlook the value of compromise and collaboration in personal and professional settings.
- The focus on personal responsibility for well-being may understate the role of systemic issues and external factors in mental health.
- The assertion that physical exercise can be more significant than medication and therapy for some mental health conditions may not apply universally and could be misleading for individuals with specific mental health needs.
- The idea that resentment always indicates crossed boundaries might be an oversimplification, as feelings of resentment can sometimes stem from miscommunication or personal insecurities.
- The 'me, we, world' framework, while useful, may not be applicable or practical in all professional or personal scenarios.
- The concept of making authentic choices as the key to well-being might not account for situations where individuals have limited choices due to socioeconomic or other constraints.
- The narrative that prioritizing self-communication and inner stability can sometimes be perceived as self-centered or neglectful of others' needs in a community or relationship.
- The link between people-pleasing habits and health issues may not be direct or causal in all cases, and other factors may contribute significantly to health outcomes.
- The encouragement to discover one's truth and make authentic choices may not acknowledge the complexity of identity formation and the influence of cultural and social factors.
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Understanding People-Pleasing
The Dangers of Being a "Yes Person"
Dr. Neha Sangwan and Mel Robbins delve into the risks accompanying the behavior of a "yes person," where the innate desire to gain approval and avoid conflict can lead to the suppression of one's true self. Sangwan draws upon Gabor Mat's concept that people-pleasing often stems from a preference for attachment over authenticity, resulting in the loss of an individual's internal compass.
This suppression of authenticity can be a conscious strategy to manipulate others and avoid confrontation, a reflection of an aimless drifting away from one's true identity.
Personal Stories: Reflections from Dr. Neha Sangwan and Mel Robbins
Both Sangwan and Robbins contribute personal narratives to the topic of people-pleasing. Robbins shares insights into her husband's experiences with neglect within his family, delineating how this disconnectedness led to people-pleasing behaviors akin to aimless drifting. This anecdote broadens the understanding of how family dynamics can influence the development of such tendencies.
Sangwan shares her revelation of having followed a career path in medicine largely due to her parents' unrealized ambitions, but also reveals that an overheard conversation contributed to this choice, highlighting the subtle ways in which external expectations c ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Understanding People-Pleasing
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Familial and societal expectations play a significant role in shaping people-pleasing tendencies by influencing individuals to prioritize external validation over their authentic selves. Family dynamics, such as neglect or overbearing expectations, can lead individuals to seek approval through people-pleasing behaviors. Societal norms and cultural pressures can also reinforce the idea that conforming and pleasing others are ...
Counterarguments
- While attachment may often lead to people-pleasing, it's also possible for individuals to maintain authenticity while forming strong attachments, suggesting that the two are not mutually exclusive.
- The suppression of authenticity might not always be a conscious strategy to manipulate; it could also be an unconscious defense mechanism developed over time.
- Not all people-pleasing behaviors are detrimental; in some contexts, they can foster harmony and cooperation.
- Family dynamics and societal expectations are not the only factors that contribute to people-pleasing; individual personality traits and genetic predispositions may also play a role.
- The concept of an "internal compass" can be subjective and vary greatly between individuals, making it difficult to determine when one is truly being authentic.
- Some individuals may choose to please others out of genuine kindness or empathy, rather than a fear of conflict or a desire for a ...
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The Impact of People-Pleasing on Mental Health
Anxiety, Bitterness, and Resentment: Emotional Consequences
Constantly striving to make others happy and agreeing to things against one's desire can pave the way for feelings of anxiety and bitterness. Resentment, Sangwan highlights, is a clear indicator that an individual's personal boundaries have been overstepped.
Mel Robbins adds that resentment can be a personal warning sign signaling systemic issues or outdated practices that need to be reevaluated.
Further amplifying this situation is Sangwan's assertion on stress, acknowledging it as a primary aggravator in over 80% of illnesses, showcasing the potential health ramifications of people-pleasing.
Professional Strain and Personal Breakdowns
Sangwan recalls a moment as a medical professional when an excessive workload, taken on out of coercion, led her to a mental lapse. This incident serves as a stark reminder of the significant toll that people-pleasing can take on mental and physical health.
Additionally, Neha's own struggles led her to consult with a psychiatric colleague named 'Roger,' further illustrating the personal breakd ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Impact of People-Pleasing on Mental Health
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Gabor Maté's theory suggests that individuals may prioritize seeking attachment and approval from others over staying true to their authentic selves. This can lead to a pattern of people-pleasing behaviors where personal needs and desires are often sacrificed for the sake of maintaining relationships or gaining acceptance. Maté's work highlights how this ...
Counterarguments
- While resentment can indicate overstepped boundaries, it can also be a result of miscommunication or unexpressed expectations, rather than people-pleasing behavior.
- Not all stress is detrimental, and some stress can actually be a motivating factor that leads to personal growth and resilience.
- The correlation between stress and illnesses is complex, and while stress can exacerbate health issues, it is not solely responsible for over 80% of illnesses as many factors contribute to health outcomes.
- People-pleasing behaviors can sometimes lead to positive outcomes, such as strengthened relationships and increased cooperation, if balanced with self-care and boundary setting.
- Professional strain and personal breakdowns can occur due to a variety of factors, not exclusively from people-pleasing, such as systemic workplace issues or personal vulnerabilities.
- Prioritizing famil ...
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Taking on People-Pleasing in the Workplace
Navigating Professional Demands and Avoiding Burnout
Sangwan encountered people-pleasing tendencies not only in her personal choices but also within the demanding environment of her workplace.
She was exacerbating this behavior while trying to cope with the challenges of hospital understaffing and a hostile work environment.
Strategies for Healthier Professional Boundaries
To effectively manage people-pleasing tendencies, especially in professional settings, Sangwan advises establishing clear boundaries and exemplifies how to navigate discussions related to work-life imbalance.
She provides a dialogue example of how an employee should address work-life balance and role expectations with their employer, offering a practical approach to assert one's needs and establish clear boundaries.
'Me, We, World' Framework: A Tool for Better Work-Life Balance
Sangwan introduces a ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Taking on People-Pleasing in the Workplace
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Setting clear boundaries at work involves clearly communicating your limits and expectations to colleagues and supervisors, saying no when necessary, prioritizing tasks based on importance, and maintaining a healthy work-life balance. It also includes being assertive in expressing your needs, delegating tasks effectively, and learning to manage time and workload efficiently. Additionally, setting boundaries may involve seeking support from HR or a mentor, practicing self-care to prev ...
Counterarguments
- While setting clear boundaries is important, it may not always be feasible in certain workplace cultures or with certain types of management, which may not be receptive to such discussions.
- The dialogue example provided by Sangwan might not be universally applicable, as different workplaces and industries have varying norms and expectations regarding employee-employer communication.
- The 'me, we, world' framework, while holistic, may be too abstract for some individuals to apply practically without specific guidance or examples of how to implement it in their unique professional situations.
- The effectiveness of the 'me, we, world' framework might be limited by organizational structures and policies that do not support such an approach, potentially making it difficult for individuals to enact meaningful change.
- Sangwan's strategies may not address the root causes of people-pleasing behavior, which can be deeply ingrained and require more than just the establishment of ...
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Strategies for Overcoming People-Pleasing
Sangwan's "The Awareness Prescription": Reflective Questions to Identify Stress
In her book 'TalkRx,' Sangwan introduces 'the awareness prescription,' which includes five reflective questions meant to uncover stress factors contributing to illness, aiding in the healing process.
These questions lead patients to consider the timing, reasons behind their illnesses, associated signs, and their larger healing needs and helps them identify heartful expressions for their experiences.
Setting and Communicating Personal Boundaries
In their discussions about managing uncomfortable feelings and the urge to please, Robbins and Sangwan address the brain's instinctual pursuit of pleasure and aversion to pain, a behavior that can result in a lifetime of emotional suppression for the sake of domestic tranquility.
To counteract this, they highlight the importance of setting and communicating personal boundaries, anchoring decision-making in one's inner voice to maintain a healthy balance between self-interest and the interests of others.
Physical Exercise as a Pathway to Mental Resilience
...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Strategies for Overcoming People-Pleasing
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The brain's instinctual pursuit of pleasure and aversion to pain is a fundamental concept in psychology. It suggests that humans are wired to seek out pleasurable experiences and avoid painful ones as a survival mechanism. This behavior influences decision-making, emotions, and motivations in individuals. It's a key aspect of understanding human behavior and the choices people make in various aspects of their lives.
- The mind-body connection in mental health emphasizes the interrelation between psychological well-being and physical health. It suggests that mental and emotional states can impact physical ...
Counterarguments
- While Sangwan's 'awareness prescription' may be helpful, it could be argued that self-reflection alone may not be sufficient for all individuals, especially those with severe mental health issues who might require professional intervention.
- The effectiveness of reflective questions may vary greatly among individuals, and some may find it challenging to accurately self-assess or may require guidance to interpret their feelings and stressors.
- Setting and communicating personal boundaries is important, but it can be overly simplistic to suggest this as a universal solution, as some individuals may face cultural, social, or personal obstacles that make this difficult.
- The idea of anchoring decision-making in one's inner voice assumes that individuals have a clear and healthy inner voice, which may not be the case for everyone, particularly those with certain psychological conditions.
- The emphasis on physical exercise as a pathway to mental resilience may overlook the complexity of mental health conditions and the fact that exercise alone may no ...
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Fostering Personal Authenticity and Well-Being
Identifying and Addressing Resentment
Neha and Mel discuss resentment as a crucial indicator that one's boundaries have been breached.
Addressing this emotion is essential to fostering personal authenticity and well-being.
Self-Communication and Inner Stability
Both Neha Sangwan and Mel Robbins stress the importance of self-communication for maintaining inner stability.
Internal conflicts and a lack of self-dialogue can manifest as physical ailments, with Sangwan stressing that over 80% of illnesses have stress as a primary factor.
Making Authentic Choices: The ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Fostering Personal Authenticity and Well-Being
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Resentment can indicate that someone feels their boundaries have been violated or disrespected. It often arises when a person feels taken advantage of or not heard in their relationships or interactions. Recognizing and addressing resentment is crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries and promoting personal well-being. By acknowledging and dealing with feelings of resentment, individuals can work towards fostering authenticity and creating healthier relationships.
- Self-communication involves the way we talk to ourselves internally. It plays a crucial role in maintaining inner stability by helping us understand our thoughts, emotions, and needs. When we engage in positive self-talk and address our inner conflicts effectively, we can enhance our emotional well-being. This practice can also help reduce stress and improve overall mental health.
- Internal conflicts and a lack of self-dialogue can lead to chronic stress, which can negatively impact physical health. When individuals suppress emotions or avoid addressing their inner conflicts, it can result in increased stress levels. This chronic stress can weaken the immune system, disrupt hormonal balance, and contribute to various health issues. Therefore, fostering open self-communication and addressing internal conflicts are crucial for maintaining overall well-being and preventing the manifestation of physical ailments.
- Making authe ...
Counterarguments
- While resentment can signal breached boundaries, it can also stem from miscommunication or unrealistic expectations, which may not necessarily relate to authenticity or well-being but rather to interpersonal dynamics and personal growth.
- Self-communication is important, but it is not the only tool for achieving inner stability. Other factors such as social support, professional therapy, and physical health can play equally significant roles.
- Physical ailments are not always directly linked to stress or a lack of self-communication. Many illnesses have biological or environmental causes that are not related to psychological factors.
- The concept of making authentic choices is valuable, but it can be challenging to determine what is ...
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Concluding Thoughts
Acknowledging the Link Between Habits and Health
The discussion recognizes the profound connection between people-pleasing habits and health issues, advocating for a deeper understanding of oneself.
Positive responses from patients' relatives to Sangwan's holist ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Concluding Thoughts
Additional Materials
Clarifications
...
Counterarguments
- While acknowledging the link between people-pleasing habits and health issues, it's important to consider that not all health issues are directly related to psychological habits; some may be due to genetic factors, environmental exposures, or other behaviors unrelated to people-pleasing.
- Advocating for a deeper understanding of oneself is valuable, but it's also crucial to recognize that self-awareness alone may not be sufficient for improving health outcomes. Practical interventions and support systems are often necessary.
- Positive responses to Sangwan's holistic approach as detailed in 'TalkRx' are encouraging, but anecdotal evidence from patients' relatives may not be representative of the general population. Rigorous scientific studies would be needed to validate the efficacy of such an approac ...
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