The Psychology of Infertility & Miscarriage w/ Dr. Molly Burrets
In this episode of Pursuit of Wellness, clinical psychologist Dr. Molly Burrets shares her personal experience with infertility, IVF treatments, and pregnancy loss. She details her journey through multiple IVF attempts in the United States and Mexico, discussing how age-related fertility issues affected her self-worth and marriage, while also explaining the broader impact of infertility on relationships and mental health.
The episode explores practical strategies for coping with infertility and loss, including the role of therapy and online support groups. Dr. Burrets and host Mari Llewellyn discuss managing social relationships during fertility struggles, setting boundaries around pregnancy discussions, and navigating body image concerns during IVF treatment and pregnancy. The conversation addresses how both women and men process fertility challenges emotionally, with insights on how friends and family can provide meaningful support.
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1-Page Summary
Dr. Molly's Journey: Infertility, Loss, IVF
Dr. Molly Burrets shares her journey through infertility and IVF, beginning with a devastating second-trimester loss due to chromosomal abnormalities. After multiple unsuccessful IVF attempts in the United States, she sought treatment in Tijuana, Mexico, where costs were significantly lower and medication protocols differed. Under Dr. Isabella Martinez's care, Dr. Molly's egg production tripled, leading to a successful pregnancy at age 43.
Infertility's Impact on Relationships and Marriages
Dr. Burrets discusses how infertility can strain marriages by disrupting intimacy and introducing high-stakes medical treatments. She explains how age-related fertility issues affected her self-worth and marriage, highlighting the importance of open communication. The podcast also addresses how men's emotional experiences with infertility are often overlooked, emphasizing the need for both partners to have outlets for expressing their feelings.
Infertility, Loss, and Grief: Coping and Support Strategies
As a clinical psychologist, Dr. Burrets recommends online support groups while emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries, particularly around potentially triggering content. She suggests practical ways for friends and family to offer support, such as dropping off meals or sending gift certificates, rather than asking open-ended questions about how to help. Dr. Burrets stresses the value of therapy in processing emotions surrounding infertility and loss.
Navigating Pregnancy Discussions and Social Circles
Mari Llewellyn and Dr. Burrets explore how competitiveness around pregnancy and fertility can affect women struggling with infertility. Dr. Burrets shares her experience managing these dynamics through selective sharing on social media. Both speakers emphasize the importance of setting boundaries while maintaining friendships, suggesting that direct communication about comfort levels with fertility discussions can help preserve relationships during challenging times.
Mental Health: Infertility, Postpartum Depression, Body Image
Dr. Burrets describes how the emotional toll of IVF can influence mental health during pregnancy and discusses her personal journey with body image. She shares how shifting focus from her body's appearance to its capabilities helped her overcome body dysmorphia, noting that pregnancy actually helped her feel more feminine and beautiful despite initial fears about weight gain and body changes.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a personal fertility journey scrapbook to document your experiences, emotions, and milestones, which can serve as a therapeutic outlet and a way to track progress. By using photos, notes, and mementos, you create a tangible representation of your journey that can help you process emotions and celebrate small victories, such as a successful doctor's appointment or a supportive conversation with a partner.
- Develop a "fertility friend" pact with someone who understands, agreeing to check in with each other regularly and provide specific support actions when needed, like accompanying each other to appointments or being the designated listener after a tough day. This mutual support system ensures that both of you have someone who truly gets it, without the pressure of having to educate or comfort someone less familiar with the challenges of infertility.
- Organize a monthly "non-baby" meetup with friends or a community group that focuses on activities unrelated to children or fertility, such as book clubs, hiking, or crafting. This creates a safe space for socializing and enjoying hobbies that can help take your mind off fertility struggles, providing a sense of normalcy and a break from the emotional toll of IVF and related conversations.
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Dr. Molly's Journey: Infertility, Loss, Ivf
Dr. Molly Burrets shares her emotional and challenging journey through infertility, pregnancy loss, and the complex path to successful in vitro fertilization (IVF).
Dr. Molly Faced Infertility and Loss After Her First Pregnancy
Late-Term Pregnancy Termination for Medical Reasons Before Ivf With Genetically-Tested Embryo
After easily having her first child before turning 40, Dr. Molly later encountered infertility. She experienced a miscarriage while trying for a second child and then tragically lost another baby in the second trimester due to a chromosomal abnormality. This loss led to a TFMR (termination for medical reasons), as the baby was extremely sick and unlikely to survive after birth.
Following Several Failed Ivf Tries, Dr. Molly Successfully Conceived and Delivered Her Daughter
Ivf's Emotional and Logistical Challenges Led Dr. Molly To Mexico for Affordable, Effective Care
Dr. Molly chose to undergo IVF to pre-screen embryos for genetic abnormalities, not due to an inability to conceive. She persevered through multiple unsuccessful IVF cycles, enduring an emotional rollercoaster, including a chemical pregnancy. She referred to her final, successful cycle as her "hail Mary." Throughout this period, Dr. Molly underwent injections that had a tremendous impact on her body and life.
Faced with exorbitant costs and low success rates offered by her Los Angeles-based doctor, Dr. Molly looked for more affordable options. This search led her to a clinic in Tijuana, Mexico, where the IVF treatment was a quarter of the price, allowing her four attempts for the cost of one in the United States.
Upon arriving in Mexico, D ...
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Dr. Molly's Journey: Infertility, Loss, Ivf
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Explore international options for medical treatments by researching global healthcare services to find quality care at more affordable prices. For instance, if you're considering a medical procedure like IVF, look into countries with reputable clinics that offer lower costs due to differences in economic scales, and read patient reviews and success rates to make an informed decision.
- Create a personal health journey diary to document the physical and emotional experiences of medical treatments, which can serve as a therapeutic outlet and a practical record. You can use this diary to track medication effects, emotional well-being, and milestones, which can be helpful for medical consultations and personal reflection.
- Set up a dedicated savings plan for medical expenses by ...
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Infertility's Impact on Relationships and Marriages
An episode focusing on the delicate subject of infertility reveals its profound impact on personal relationships, underscoring the need for openness and boundary-setting to preserve intimacy and connection within couples.
Infertility Strains Relationships, Disrupting Intimacy, Introducing High-Stakes Treatments, and Creating Loss of Control
During the podcast, it's evident that infertility is a high-stress challenge for any marriage, often stripping couples of the illusion of control. The necessity of timing intercourse for conception transforms what was once an enjoyable act into a high-stakes, stressful task. This shift can lead to partners feeling disconnected and can turn joyful experiences into sources of frustration and sorrow.
Molly Burrets shares her personal story of how the strain of infertility showed up in her own marriage. Age-related issues led Molly to feel like a liability, causing doubts about her self-worth and whether her husband would be better off with someone younger. Through vulnerability and open communication with her husband, she was able to receive reassurance and support, highlighting the importance of expressing insecurities within a partnership.
Molly also discusses the social pressures and stress of managing personal relationships while going through infertility treatments. With an overwhelming stream of curiosity from friends and family, she opted to create an Instagram page solely for updates on her IVF journey, alleviating the pressure of always having to respond individually during a challenging period.
Struggles In Supporting Each Other During Infertility Treatments
Infertility treatments can be both an emotional and logistical challenge for couples. Molly stresses the importance of couples being sensitive to each other’s struggles and the need for clear communication about their experiences. Sharing feelings and experiences openly allows couples to support each other more effectively through the infertility process.
Maintaining Relationships: Be Vulnerable, Set Infertility Boundaries, Connect Beyond Reproductive Struggles
To foster a nurturing atmosphere within the relationship, Molly and the host Mari Llewellyn advocate for setting boundaries where discussions of infertility or IVF do not dominate every conversation, an ...
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Infertility's Impact on Relationships and Marriages
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While open communication is emphasized, it's also important to recognize that some individuals or couples may find solace in privacy, and constant communication about infertility issues might not be the best approach for everyone.
- The idea of setting boundaries around infertility discussions assumes that all couples will benefit from compartmentalizing their struggles, but some may find continuous sharing and discussing to be a more effective coping mechanism.
- The text suggests that infertility treatments invariably lead to stress and a loss of joy in intimacy, but some couples may experience a deepening of their relationship and find new forms of intimacy and connection through the shared challenge.
- The focus on the negative impact of infertility on relationships might overshadow the fact that some relationships become stronger and more resilient as a result of working through such difficulties together.
- The narrative that men often suppress their emotions to be a stoic support system can be an overgeneralization, as men's responses to infertility can be as varied as women's, and not all men may feel the need to conform to this stereotype.
- The recommendation for support groups or confidants for men to express their feelings assumes that all men are not doing this already or that they all need an outlet beyond their partnership, which may not be the case for every individual.
- The text implies that infertility is a central issue that requires se ...
Actionables
- Create a shared hobby journal to explore new interests together and strengthen your bond beyond fertility challenges. Start by choosing a new hobby or activity that both you and your partner are curious about. Dedicate a journal to document your experiences, thoughts, and feelings as you engage in this new pursuit. This can range from gardening to painting, or even learning a new language. The key is to ensure it's a stress-free activity that allows you to connect and enjoy each other's company without the pressure of fertility-related conversations.
- Schedule a weekly "emotional check-in" date where you and your partner can share feelings in a safe space. Set aside a specific time each week, perhaps over a casual dinner or a walk in the park, where the focus is on discussing each other's emotional well-being. Use this time to encourage each other to express any suppressed feelings or frustrations. This practice helps to validate each other's emotions and ensures that both partners feel heard and supported.
- Designate a "no fertility talk" zone in your h ...
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Infertility, Loss, and Grief: Coping and Support Strategies
Dr. Molly Burrets, as a clinical psychologist, addresses coping with infertility and loss with support and strategies to help navigate the complex emotions involved.
Online Support Groups: Solidarity and Advice For Infertility
Boundaries Are Needed As Others' Successes Can Be Triggering
Molly Burrets and Mari Llewellyn suggest that joining Facebook groups can be helpful for support, given that connecting with others who have similar experiences provides a sense of solidarity. Both emphasize the importance of using social media features like muting or unfollowing to manage exposure to potentially triggering content, indicating that boundaries are necessary for mental well-being. Despite this, topics like TFMR (termination for medical reasons) remain taboo and are rarely discussed, contributing to a sense of shame and isolation for those affected.
Molly Burrets also recounts her own experience using an Instagram page she created as a boundary-setting tool. By updating this page rather than responding to individual messages, she controlled engagement with others regarding her IVF treatment progress. They underscore the importance of setting flexible boundaries, especially during fertility treatments, to manage external pressures and expectations.
Rely On Friends and Family, but Communicate Needs and Limits
Therapy Helps Process Emotions Around Infertility and Loss
With regard to relying on friends and family, Burrets advises being direct and honest about needs and limits. She suggests practical ways of offering support, like dropping off meals or sending gift certificates, rather than burdening the individual with the question of how to help. The idea is to think about what would be helpful personally during a hard time and then extend that gesture, however simple it may be.
Regarding the grieving process for losses, including tho ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Infertility, Loss, and Grief: Coping and Support Strategies
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While online support groups can offer solidarity, they may also inadvertently lead to comparisons and increased distress for some individuals who may not find community narratives aligning with their personal experiences.
- Setting boundaries in online groups is important, but it can also lead to a sense of isolation if individuals cut themselves off from potentially positive interactions and support due to fear of being triggered.
- The use of social media for support can be a double-edged sword, as it may also expose individuals to a barrage of unsolicited advice and misinformation, which can be overwhelming or harmful.
- While topics like TFMR are taboo and can contribute to shame, it's also important to recognize that not all individuals may be comfortable discussing such personal and painful experiences in public forums, and their privacy should be respected.
- Personal boundaries are crucial, but relying solely on an Instagram page or similar tools for communication may not provide the level of personal interaction and support some individuals may need during fertility treatments.
- Being direct and honest with friends and family is advised, but it's also important to acknowledge that not everyone has a supportive network, and some individuals may face judgment or lack of understanding from their close ones.
- Practical support is helpful, but it's also essential to recognize that emotional support and active listening are equally important for some people coping with infertility and loss.
- Recognizing a chosen abortion as a personal loss is important, but it's also necessary to acknowledge that individuals may have a wide range of emotions and reactions to such an event, and there is no one "right" way to grieve.
- While self-compassion and kindness are recommended, some individuals may require more s ...
Actionables
- You can create a personal code system for communicating your emotional state to friends and family, which allows you to express your needs without having to explain in detail every time. For instance, you might use a color-coded system where red means you need space, yellow means you're open to talk but with caution, and green means you're feeling sociable and supported.
- Develop a self-care toolkit that includes activities and items that specifically cater to your emotional well-being during fertility treatments. This could be a box or a digital list that contains comforting items like a favorite book, a playlist of soothing music, a stress ball, or a list of affirmations that you can turn to when you need to practice self-compassion.
- Start a p ...
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Navigating Pregnancy Discussions and Comparisons in Social Circles
The conversation explores how groups of women can unintentionally compete over fertility and pregnancy, and how sensitivity and open discussions can help manage the feelings of those dealing with infertility.
Pregnancy and Childbearing Competitiveness Among Women
An instinctual feeling tied to reproduction and fertility can drive competitiveness among women regarding pregnancy. This competitiveness can propel discussions about who gets pregnant first or who has more children. However, this can lead to feelings of inadequacy for those struggling with infertility, especially when confronted with frequent news about others' pregnancies.
Exacerbates Feelings of Inadequacy for Those With Infertility
Molly Burrets shares her experience with feelings of inadequacy when talking about miscarriage and infertility within her social circle. Constant reminders from others about their pregnancies exacerbate these feelings. Women dealing with infertility may feel like impostors in motherhood discussions, particularly if they have fewer children than their peers. Molly's real-life examples underscore the importance of handling such conversations with heightened awareness and sensitivity to support friends or family through these challenges.
Open Discussion of Different Reproductive Paths and Boundaries Fosters Support
Conversations around infertility and the different paths to motherhood, such as IVF, should be open but respectful of individuals' boundaries and experiences. This is based on an instance where discussions on infertility and miscarriage were deemed too prevalent, possibly instilling fear in younger women, sparking intense reactions from those in the IVF community.
Balancing the Celebration of Others' Pregnancies and Births With Honoring Personal Grief
Molly Burrets suggests setting boundaries for discussions regarding fertility and pregnancy, highlighting the importance of direct communication. This approach supports the creation of nurturing environments and allows individuals to express their comfort levels with fertility topics.
Mari Llewellyn echoes that sentiment, stating while some may be vocal about their IVF experiences, others prefer privacy. Friendships should allow space for joy as well as grief, with friends understanding when someone dealing with infertility might need a break from pregnancy updates.
Molly's choice to share her IVF journey selectively on Instagram is a way for her to manage how she communicates her reproductive struggles, illustrating methods for mitigating emotional stress in digital social spaces.
Burrets details the delicate balance of rejoicing in others' happiness while acknowledging personal sadness. Friends should understand when space is required. Mari recounts her own struggles in providing continuous support for pregnant friends during her challenging IVF process, highlighting the benefit of direct commu ...
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Navigating Pregnancy Discussions and Comparisons in Social Circles
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While sensitivity is important, overemphasizing the need for caution in discussions about pregnancy can inadvertently stigmatize fertility and pregnancy conversations, making them seem taboo or overly delicate topics.
- The idea of competition among women regarding fertility may be overstated and could perpetuate stereotypes about women being inherently competitive in personal matters.
- Open discussions about infertility and reproductive paths are valuable, but there should also be respect for those who may not want to engage in these discussions at all, regardless of their personal experiences.
- The emphasis on managing emotional stress through selective sharing on social media might not address the root causes of the stress and could encourage avoidance rather than healthy coping mechanisms.
- The concept of balancing celebration with grief could inadvertently pressure individuals to suppress their joy or sadness to accommodate others, which may not be healthy for all parties involved.
- The suggestion to use features like the mute option on social media to manage emotional impact might not be a viable solution for everyone, as it could lead ...
Actionables
- You can create a personal code word with friends and family to signal when you need to change the subject from fertility topics. This discreet method allows you to avoid uncomfortable conversations without having to openly confront the issue each time. For example, saying "pineapple" could be your way of letting others know you're reaching your emotional limit and would like to talk about something else.
- Develop a self-care routine that includes activities unrelated to fertility to maintain emotional balance. Engaging in hobbies like painting, hiking, or learning a musical instrument can provide a mental break from the stress of fertility issues and help you celebrate your own well-being.
- Start a private journal or blog where you can express your ...
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Mental Health: Infertility, Postpartum Depression, Body Image
The discussion on mental health in this transcript touches on various significant topics—particularly infertility, postpartum depression, and the impact of these on body image.
Infertility Experience Heightens Risk of Postpartum Depression, Anxiety During Motherhood Transition
Although not explicitly discussed, Molly Burrets' account of her emotional challenges during IVF treatment suggests a significant mental health impact. Her experience indicates the heavy emotional toll associated with infertility, which could increase the risk of postpartum depression and anxiety during the transition to motherhood.
Mari Llewellyn inquired about postpartum depression, hinting at the importance of focusing on mental health issues related to motherhood. It’s emphasized that recognizance of postpartum depression or anxiety can be challenging. Hence, having supportive individuals who can identify behavioral changes is crucial. Regular mental health screenings by healthcare providers, along with available interventions like SSRIs or therapy, are recommended to support women during this life transition.
Burrets also mentioned how the trauma of undergoing IVF can influence the mental health experience of pregnancy, as the array of emotions faced during such treatments can carry forward.
Importance of Support and Honesty With Healthcare Providers Regarding Mental Health
The importance of support and honesty with healthcare providers regarding mental health needs is latent in the conversation. There's an implication that dialogue about difficult feelings and potential interventions is vital, but no specific advice is given in the provided text.
Body Image Concerns During and After Infertility Treatments
Focus On Body's Abilities for Positive Self-Perception
While the provided transcript does not explicitly discuss body image concerns during and after infertility treatments, Molly Burrets sheds light on the implicit impact infertility has on self-perception. She discusses how her inner voice questioned her self- ...
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Mental Health: Infertility, Postpartum Depression, Body Image
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While infertility can increase the risk of postpartum depression, it's not a universal outcome; some individuals may not experience heightened anxiety or depression after overcoming infertility.
- Identifying behavioral changes is important, but over-reliance on others for recognition of mental health issues might overlook the individual's own awareness and self-reporting capabilities.
- Regular mental health screenings are beneficial, but they may not capture the full spectrum of an individual's mental state due to variability in symptoms and reporting accuracy.
- The trauma of IVF influencing mental health during pregnancy is a valid concern, but it's also possible for individuals to experience a sense of resilience and empowerment from overcoming infertility challenges.
- While honesty with healthcare providers is crucial, there may be systemic barriers, such as stigma or lack of resources, that prevent open communication about mental health needs.
- The impact of infertility on self-perception is complex, and not all individuals may question their self-worth; some may find strength or a sense of purpose through their journey.
- Concerns about body image during pregnancy are common, but not all individuals ...
Actionables
- Create a personal mood tracker to monitor emotional changes during the transition to motherhood, using a simple journal or a mobile app to record daily feelings and identify patterns that may signal a need for support.
- By consistently logging your emotional state, you can spot trends that may indicate the onset of postpartum depression or anxiety. For example, if you notice a series of days where your mood is particularly low, it could be a cue to reach out to a healthcare provider or a trusted friend for a check-in.
- Develop a "transition to motherhood" plan with your healthcare provider that includes regular mental health check-ins, similar to prenatal visits, to ensure consistent monitoring and early intervention if needed.
- This plan could involve setting appointments at specific intervals post-birth, where you discuss not only physical but also mental health. You might include goals for each phase, like establishing a support network or practicing mindfulness, and use these sessions to assess progress and adjust the plan as necessary.
- Engage in a body ...
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