Relationship Advice w/ Me & My Husband
In this episode of Pursuit of Wellness, Mari and her husband Greg discuss maintaining a healthy partnership through intentional quality time, open communication, and mutual understanding. They share insights on supporting each other's personal growth, navigating differences in needs and communication styles, and finding collaborative solutions.
Additionally, the couple addresses managing mental health challenges as a team. Mari reflects on Greg's steady support during her past struggles with borderline personality disorder. They describe jointly identifying triggers, developing coping strategies, and maintaining a healthy environment conducive to Mari's ongoing progress and their mutual wellbeing.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Sep 12, 2024 episode of the Pursuit of Wellness
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1-Page Summary
Relationship dynamics and communication
Mari and Greg share insights into maintaining their strong connection by intentionally carving out quality time together through activities like nightly routines, date nights, trips, and shared interests like hiking. Mari emphasizes sending cute texts and maintaining boundaries around technology to stay present. Openly discussing frustrations, such as Mari's when Greg is busy, allows constructive resolution.
Supporting each other's growth and navigating differences
The couple respects each other's strengths, weaknesses, and communication styles. Greg doesn't take Mari's need for eye contact personally due to his ADHD, while Mari joins Greg in activities he enjoys. By seeking to understand differing perspectives, like Mari's need for socializing versus Greg's comfort with solitude, they find collaborative solutions accommodating both partners' needs.
Managing mental health and supporting each other
Navigating Mari's past struggles with mental health conditions
In managing Mari's borderline personality disorder, Greg learned providing comfort and patience was more effective than logic. He drove Mari to therapy, discussing treatment ideas with her and reminding her of healthier coping methods during difficult periods. While Mari drove her own healing through extensive therapy, she credits feeling understood by Greg as crucial.
Maintaining a healthy and supportive environment
Together they identified Mari's triggers and developed coping strategies, with Greg's steady support playing a vital role in her ongoing progress and their mutual aid.
Handling finances and joint decision-making as a couple
Approaches to managing finances and assets
Mari and Greg share finances through a joint bank account and equal business/asset ownership. Recognizing their limitations, they've implemented retirement plans and outsourced oversight to professionals.
Communication and compromise around financial decisions
Mari leans on Greg's financial strengths, asking questions when needed, while safeguards ensure her independence. Instead of strict budgeting, they make joint decisions considering emotional value and long-term priorities as conveyed through Greg's advice on Mari's handbag purchase.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While prioritizing quality time is beneficial, it's important to ensure that individual time and space are also respected, as too much togetherness can sometimes lead to a loss of individual identity or personal growth.
- Sending cute texts and setting boundaries around technology are positive, but it's also crucial to have direct and in-person communication, as digital communication can sometimes lead to misunderstandings or a sense of disconnection.
- Discussing frustrations openly is key to resolution, but it's also important to have strategies for when emotions run high, such as taking a break from the conversation to prevent escalation.
- Respecting each other's strengths and weaknesses is fundamental, but it's also necessary to challenge each other to grow and not become complacent in those roles.
- Understanding and accommodating for ADHD is important, but individuals with ADHD also need to actively work on strategies to manage their symptoms and not solely rely on their partner's understanding.
- Seeking collaborative solutions is ideal, but there should also be room for individual preferences and sometimes agreeing to disagree, as consensus is not always possible.
- Providing comfort and patience in mental health struggles is supportive, but it's also essential for the person struggling to take responsibility for their own health and not become overly dependent on their partner.
- Sharing finances and assets can be a sign of trust, but it's also important to maintain some financial independence to ensure both parties feel secure and empowered.
- Outsourcing financial oversight to professionals is wise, but the couple should still maintain a level of personal involvement and understanding of their finances to ensure their interests are being met.
- Making joint decisions on purchases is good for partnership unity, but it's also important to allow for personal discretionary spending to maintain a sense of autonomy.
Actionables
- Create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner to chart out future experiences and milestones you both value, ensuring you're aligned on your journey together. Start by sitting down with your partner and brainstorming a list of experiences, goals, and milestones you both want to achieve in the next year, five years, and beyond. Then, plot these on a visual timeline that you can hang up at home as a daily reminder of your shared path.
- Develop a "communication playbook" for your relationship that outlines how you'll handle disagreements based on your individual communication styles. Work with your partner to identify your preferred communication methods and write down step-by-step approaches for various scenarios, such as when one of you is upset or when you need to make a big decision together. This playbook can serve as a reference to navigate conflicts more smoothly.
- Set up a "financial date night" once a month where you review your joint financial goals and progress in a relaxed setting. Make it enjoyable by incorporating your favorite snacks or activities, and use this time to discuss your budget, savings, investments, and any financial concerns. This practice can help maintain transparency and ensure you're both actively engaged in your financial future.
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Relationship dynamics and communication
Mari and Greg share insights into how they maintain a strong connection and support each other's growth despite the challenges that come with busy lives and personal differences.
Maintaining intentional quality time together despite busy schedules
Mari and Greg make a concerted effort to carve out quality time together. They eat dinner together most nights, go to bed at the same time, enjoy watching shows, cuddling, and have weekly date nights. During the day, Mari sends Greg cute texts, and they spend weekends engaging in activities such as going on walks.
They also emphasize the importance of shared experiences, like their intentional trips, such as a visit to Jackson Hole. In such trips, they contain their work within certain hours to allow for engaging activities—hiking being a standout that they've enjoyed since the beginning of their relationship.
Additionally, they mention maintaining a nightly routine of ending their day together, further highlighting their commitment to each other.
Engaging in activities, rituals, and practices that nurture their connection, such as going on walks, hikes, and trying new experiences together
Mari and Greg talk about the significance of being outdoors for their relationship. They agree that when they spend too much time indoors, they tend not to prioritize one another as effectively. Engaging in outdoor activities, particularly hiking and traveling, has been a critical aspect of their relationship since they met.
Aside from hikes and walks, they also explore other shared interests, such as riding horses, which allows them to connect over a mutual passion.
Setting boundaries around technology use to be fully present with each other
The couple has firm rules about technology use, particularly phone usage, to ensure they remain present with each other. They use a G7X camera when out together to avoid using their smartphones, which can be distracting. They hold each other accountable for these boundaries, especially during meals, where they avoid using phones for tasks like checking directions or schedules.
Openly communicating frustrations and addressing them constructively
Mari openly communicates her frustration when she feels neglected because of Greg's busyness and distractibility, which is partly due to his ADHD. These candid discussions allow them to address concerns constructively, which is critical for maintaining their bond.
Supporting each other's growth and navigating differences
The couple showcases mutual respect for each other's traits, such as Mari's obsessive tendencies and Greg's habit of playing loud music.
Acknowledging a ...
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Relationship dynamics and communication
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While prioritizing quality time is beneficial, it's important to recognize that some couples may thrive with more independence and less structured togetherness.
- Shared experiences are valuable, but it's also crucial for individuals to have personal time and pursue separate interests to maintain a sense of self within the relationship.
- Outdoor activities can strengthen a relationship, but it's not the only way to connect, and some couples may find other activities more fulfilling.
- Setting boundaries around technology is helpful, but flexibility is also important as rigid rules can sometimes create tension or feelings of restriction.
- Open communication is key, yet it's essential to balance expressing frustrations with understanding and patience, especially when dealing with issues like ADHD.
- Acknowledging and respecting differences is important, but there should also be an ongoing effort to grow and adapt, not just ...
Actionables
- Create a 'no screens' jar where you and your partner contribute a small amount of money every time you catch each other using technology during designated no-screen times, then use the collected funds for a special experience together. This encourages both of you to stay present and also turns it into a fun challenge that benefits your relationship.
- Start a 'perspective swap' exercise where you each spend a day or an activity adopting the other's hobbies or routines to better understand and empathize with each other's experiences. For instance, if one enjoys gardening and the other enjoys gaming, you each take turns participating in these activities with the other, followed by a discussion about the experience.
- Develop a 'frustration-to-action' plan where you write down a frustration on ...
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Managing mental health and supporting each other
Navigating Mari's past struggles with mental health conditions
As they navigate the challenges of Mari’s mental health, Greg and Mari have each played crucial roles in managing her borderline personality disorder.
Greg's role in providing comfort, understanding, and practical support during Mari's difficult periods
During Mari’s emotional struggles, Greg discovered that logical approaches were not effective. Providing comfort was essential, recognizing that emotional rather than solution-oriented responses were what Mari needed. Although Greg sometimes felt frustrated, he clarified that his frustrations were with the situation, not Mari herself. He recognized the importance of patience in their journey, likening it to a marathon rather than a sprint, and acknowledged the array of interventions they tried, from supplements to alternative therapies such as ice baths, saunas, and CBD. Greg would remind Mari of healthier solutions than self-harm, such as providing ice to soothe her in difficult moments.
The importance of professional help and the couple's willingness to explore various therapies and treatments
Mari's journey towards healing has been largely self-driven, with significant strides made through therapy and internal work, though she emphasizes the crucial role of feeling understood by Greg in the face of her pain. It was Greg who would drive Mari to group therapy and act as a sounding board for her, discussing ideas and suggestions from her therapy sessions.
Mari considered a residential program for individuals with BPD but ultimate ...
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Managing mental health and supporting each other
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While Greg's role is highlighted as crucial, it's important to acknowledge that Mari's autonomy and self-driven efforts are equally vital in managing her mental health.
- The effectiveness of alternative therapies such as ice baths, saunas, and CBD is not universally accepted and may not be evidence-based treatments for borderline personality disorder.
- The narrative may unintentionally underplay the potential need for professional medical intervention in some cases of borderline personality disorder, which can require medication or more intensive treatment options.
- The focus on Greg's provision of comfort might overlook the importance of setting boundaries for the well-being of both partners in a supportive relationship.
- The decision to opt for a therapy program without living at a facility is presented positively, but it's important to consider that residential programs can be beneficial for some individuals with BPD, offering structured support that outpatient programs may not provide.
- Celebrating progress is important, but it's also crucial to recognize that setbacks can ...
Actionables
- You can create a personalized care package for a loved one with mental health challenges, filled with items that can help them during tough times, like stress balls, comforting teas, or a playlist of soothing music. This not only provides them with tools to cope but also serves as a tangible reminder of your support.
- Develop a shared digital journal with your partner or friend who is managing a mental health condition, where both of you can document triggers, coping strategies, and progress. This can enhance communication and provide a space for reflection and recognition of growth.
- Organize a monthly 'celebration of progress' eve ...
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Handling finances and joint decision-making as a couple
Mari Llewellyn and Greg LaVecchia share insights into their method of managing finances as a couple, where professional help and mutual trust play vital roles.
Approaches to managing finances and assets
Mari and Greg explain how they approach their finances with an emphasis on sharing and professional assistance.
Sharing a joint bank account and jointly owning business ventures and assets
Mari Llewellyn and Greg LaVecchia have always jointly managed their finances, starting when they opened their business, Maury Fitness. They mention that all income goes into a shared bank account and that they share the ownership of their businesses and assets evenly. The decision to share a bank account was driven by their view of themselves as teammates and a lack of consideration for any other method of managing their finances. This financial union is further highlighted by their joint decision to purchase a painting, reflecting their shared commitment to both assets and aesthetic values.
Recognizing the need for professional financial guidance and oversight
After a recent business transaction, Mari and Greg have sought professional guidance for their financial affairs. They have set up financial precautions like SEP accounts and retirement plans and outsourced their financial oversight to professionals like accountants and their team at Crescent. By doing this, they ensure that they are on a secure financial footing despite acknowledging they are not the best savers.
Communication and compromise around financial decisions
The couple discusses their communication strategy for financial decision-making, which relies on acknowledging their individual talents as well as their shared objectives.
Acknowledging each other's strengths and weaknesses in financial literacy
Mari admits that she is not financially literate and does not shy away from asking questions when she does not understand something. Although she has access to all their financial records, she relies on Greg because handling finances comes more naturally to him. Greg's greater kn ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Handling finances and joint decision-making as a couple
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Joint bank accounts can sometimes lead to financial disputes if couples are not on the same page about spending habits.
- Viewing themselves as teammates is positive, but it is also important to maintain some level of financial independence.
- Not considering other methods of managing finances might overlook better-suited financial strategies for their specific situation.
- Jointly purchasing assets like art can be risky if the couple's financial goals or personal tastes change over time.
- Relying heavily on professional financial guidance can be beneficial, but it is also important for both individuals to have a basic understanding of their finances to make informed decisions.
- Outsourcing financial oversight can lead to a disconnection from one's personal finances and potentially overlook personal financial goals.
- While Mari's reliance on Greg's expertise may work for them, it is generally advisable for both partners to be financially literate to ensure equal participation in financial decision-making.
- Making financial decisions based ...
Actionables
- You can create a "team agreement" with your partner to outline how you'll manage finances together, including how to handle disagreements and set common goals. Start by sitting down with your partner to discuss your individual and collective financial goals, values, and fears. Write down the points you agree on and use this document as a reference for future financial decisions, ensuring both parties feel involved and committed.
- Develop a "financial literacy buddy system" where you and a friend or partner teach each other about different financial concepts each month. If you're not financially savvy, pair up with someone who is, or vice versa. Choose topics like investment strategies, budgeting techniques, or understanding retirement plans, and meet regularly to share knowledge, resources, and progress.
- Experiment with a "value-based spending diary" where for a month, you track not only ...
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