Dr. K: Feeling Lost in Your 20s or 30s? (THIS Mindset Shift Will Help You Find Direction & Purpose)
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty and Alok Kanojia explore why many young adults experience a "quarter-life crisis" despite outward signs of success. They examine how societal pressures, changing gender roles, and economic challenges contribute to feelings of confusion and emotional pain among people in their twenties and thirties, with particular attention to how traditional masculinity expectations affect men's well-being.
The discussion covers practical approaches to finding direction and purpose, including meditation techniques for emotional regulation and self-awareness. Shetty and Kanojia address technology's impact on modern life, discussing how device overuse can affect mental health and relationships, while offering strategies for developing stronger emotional regulation skills and building meaningful connections with others.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Sep 22, 2025 episode of the On Purpose with Jay Shetty
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1-Page Summary
Challenges Facing Youth and Men in Society
In a discussion between Jay Shetty and Alok Kanojia, they explore the contemporary challenges faced by young people and men in today's society. Kanojia notes that despite outward appearances of success, many young adults struggle with confusion, loneliness, and emotional pain. He points out that approximately 70% of people in their twenties experience a "quarter-life crisis," largely due to unattainable societal milestones and rising economic pressures.
The conversation reveals how traditional gender roles, particularly surrounding masculinity, are in flux. Kanojia explains that many men feel pressured to conform to an "alpha male" model that often contradicts genuine happiness and well-being. This pressure, combined with a lack of emotional regulation skills, can lead to harmful behaviors when men fail to meet societal expectations.
Emotional Regulation, Mindfulness, and Spirituality For Growth
Kanojia emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and emotional regulation in overcoming identity issues. He distinguishes between "self-thinking" and "self-attention," explaining that while the former involves internalizing external judgments, the latter focuses on internal awareness and stillness. Meditation practices, particularly the Shunya technique, are recommended for gaining distance from negative thought patterns.
Shetty and Kanojia discuss how finding meaning through service and self-direction is essential for well-being. They note that external achievements rarely provide lasting fulfillment, emphasizing instead the importance of making choices, building capability, and fostering genuine connections.
Technology's Impact on Identity and Addictive Behaviors
The discussion turns to technology's role in modern life, with Kanojia warning about how tech overuse can impair presence and emotional regulation. He points to concerning trends, including rising rates of erectile dysfunction among young men due to pornography addiction. To overcome such addictions, Kanojia recommends a multifaceted approach including device restrictions, emotional regulation through meditation and journaling, and developing a stronger sense of purpose. Shetty's "On Purpose" program is mentioned as a resource that has helped participants increase their sense of direction after 20 weeks of participation.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While the concept of a "quarter-life crisis" is gaining recognition, it's important to consider that this may not be a universal experience and could be influenced by cultural, socioeconomic, and individual factors.
- The pressure to conform to an "alpha male" model may be oversimplified, as masculinity is a complex and varied concept that can be expressed in many healthy ways that don't align with this stereotype.
- Emotional regulation is indeed important, but it's also necessary to acknowledge the role of systemic issues and external stressors in mental health challenges, which may not be fully addressed by individual practices like meditation.
- The effectiveness of meditation and mindfulness practices like the Shunya technique can vary greatly among individuals, and they are not a one-size-fits-all solution.
- The idea that external achievements do not provide lasting fulfillment might not resonate with everyone, as some individuals may find great satisfaction and purpose in their accomplishments.
- The link between technology use and impaired emotional regulation is complex and multifaceted, and not all technology use is detrimental; in some cases, it can enhance well-being and provide valuable tools for emotional management.
- The assertion that rising rates of erectile dysfunction are linked to pornography addiction could be an oversimplification, as erectile dysfunction can have a variety of causes, including psychological, physiological, and relational factors.
- The recommendation for device restrictions as a way to combat addictive behaviors may not address the underlying issues that contribute to addiction and could be seen as a temporary or surface-level solution.
- Programs like "On Purpose" may be beneficial, but their efficacy can be subjective and dependent on the individual's engagement with the program, as well as other personal and environmental factors.
Actionables
- You can create a "Quarter-Life Crisis" journal to navigate through your twenties with more clarity by documenting your feelings, goals, and the societal pressures you experience. This practice can help you identify patterns in your thoughts and behaviors, allowing you to challenge unrealistic expectations and focus on personal growth. For example, if you notice you're often stressed about achieving a certain milestone by a specific age, you can use the journal to brainstorm alternative paths and timelines that feel more authentic to you.
- Develop a "Masculinity Redefined" discussion group with peers to explore and reshape the concept of masculinity. By engaging in regular, open conversations with other men about emotions, societal pressures, and changing gender roles, you can collectively redefine what masculinity means in a modern context. This could involve meeting bi-weekly to share personal experiences, discuss articles or books on the subject, and support each other in developing healthier emotional regulation skills.
- Initiate a "Tech-Free Tuesday" challenge to improve presence and emotional regulation by dedicating one day a week to abstaining from non-essential digital devices. Use this time to engage in activities that foster genuine connections, like having face-to-face conversations with friends or participating in community events. This can help you become more aware of your tech usage patterns and their impact on your well-being, encouraging you to make more conscious choices about your screen time.
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Challenges Facing Youth and Men in Society
Jay Shetty and Alok Kanojia discuss the unique, often unseen struggles that young people and men are facing in contemporary society, touching upon themes of societal pressure, loneliness, mental health, and the concept of masculinity.
Young People Feel Confused, Lonely, and Hurt Despite Success
Young adults, despite appearing to be successful, are secretly facing feelings of confusion, loneliness, and emotional hurt.
Societal Expectations and Milestones Feel Unattainable, Leaving Young Adults Feeling "Behind"
Shetty highlights that societal benchmarks such as marriage and children by a certain age make people feel behind or fearful that they will never catch up. Kanojia reflects on his own pressure to follow a predetermined path and his sense of shame and failure upon feeling that he was falling behind his peers.
Rising Costs, Inflation, and Job Scarcity Hinder Traditional Adulthood Markers
Kanojia points out that the traditional steps to adulthood are no longer viable for many due to failed institutions, ballooning costs, and job scarcity.
Quarter-Life Crisis: Young People Struggle With Inadequacy
Kanojia mentions that 70% of people in their 20s are experiencing a quarter-life crisis, where life's expectations lead them to feel inadequate. Shetty and Kanojia both speak on how young adults grapple with the intersection of personal growth, love, and self-worth amid the confusion of looming adulthood milestones.
Masculinity and Gender Roles in Flux Causing Challenges
Traditional gender roles, particularly surrounding masculinity, are evolving, creating a landscape where men often feel lost and pressured.
Men Feel Pressured to Conform To an "Alpha Male" Model That Hinders True Happiness
Kanojia acknowledges that an "alpha" approach to masculinity is often not aligned with happiness. He discusses how societal pressures and the drive for muscularity may impact men's happiness and ...
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Challenges Facing Youth and Men in Society
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- A quarter-life crisis is a period of uncertainty and anxiety that young adults often experience in their twenties to early thirties. It involves feelings of insecurity and disappointment about career, relationships, and finances. This phenomenon is not a clinical diagnosis but is recognized as a common challenge faced by many young adults today. The term gained popularity from the book "Quarterlife Crisis" in 2001 and is associated with challenges related to modern societal pressures and expectations.
- Emotional regulation skills involve the ability to manage and control one's emotions effectively in various situations. These skills help individuals ...
Counterarguments
- Societal expectations and milestones can also serve as motivators and provide a sense of direction and purpose for some young adults.
- The concept of a quarter-life crisis might be overemphasized and not universally applicable, as many individuals in their 20s find this period to be one of exploration and positive growth.
- The pressures of traditional adulthood markers can be mitigated by alternative lifestyles and value systems that prioritize different forms of success and fulfillment.
- The "alpha male" model, while potentially problematic, may not be as universally influential as suggested, with diverse representations of masculinity present in various cultures and communities.
- Some men may find fulfillment in the traditional path of education, career, marriage, and family, and may not feel lost when pursuing these goals.
- Emotional regula ...
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Emotional Regulation, Mindfulness, and Spirituality For Growth
A discussion with Alok Kanojia delves into the importance of self-awareness, emotional regulation, mindfulness, and spirituality in personal growth and overcoming identity issues.
Self-Awareness and Observing Thoughts/Emotions Crucial For Overcoming Identity Issues
Kanojia explains that disturbances in the mind, anything that pulls us from our natural state of stillness, can lead to unhappiness. Sitting with oneself and processing negative emotions, as uncomfortable as it may be, is necessary for release and achieving a state of peace. He suggests that human evolution has conditioned us to care about others' opinions, but today's society creates less connection, affecting our identity formation and relationships.
Distinguishing "Self-Thinking" vs. "Self-Attention" Is Key To Overcoming Negative Thought Patterns
Kanojia contrasts thinking about oneself with paying attention to oneself. While the former involves internalizing external expectations and judgments, the latter is about noticing internal signals and experiencing stillness. By observing thoughts without engagement, one can gain distance from them and lessen their impact.
Meditation Can Cultivate This Mindset and Distance From Self-Judgments
Meditation practices like Shunya, which aims for a void or emptiness, help deactivate the default mode network associated with depression and negative self-thinking. Kanojia mentions meditation protocols for specific mental illnesses, implying that meditation assists individuals in gaining distance from their thoughts.
Differentiating External Labels From True Self-Identity Is Key
Kanojia speaks about not letting external opinions dictate one's identity and the importance of recognizing oneself as an individual navigating the world. He notes the challenge of dating scenarios and how they can shape our self-identity, leading to negative cycles.
Finding Meaning and Purpose Is Essential for Well-Being
Jay Shetty and Kanojia discuss how emotions like love and gratitude align with heightened states of being, such as "sattvic" emotions, which can lead to happiness despite potential decreases in material success.
External Goals Rarely Offer Lasting Fulfillment
Kanojia reflects on his earlier belief that he needed ...
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Emotional Regulation, Mindfulness, and Spirituality For Growth
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The default mode network (DMN) is a brain network that is active when the mind is not focused on the external world. It plays a role in self-referential thoughts, daydreaming, and planning for the future. The DMN is associated with creating a sense of self and can be disrupted in conditions like Alzheimer's disease and autism spectrum disorder. Psilocybin, a compound found in certain mushrooms, can significantly affect the areas of the DMN linked to neuropsychiatric disorders.
- "Sattvic" emotions are a concept from Indian philosophy, particularly in the context of Ayurveda and ...
Counterarguments
- While disturbances in the mind can lead to unhappiness, some psychological theories suggest that disturbances or stressors can also be catalysts for growth and resilience.
- Processing negative emotions is important, but some argue that overemphasis on negative emotions can reinforce them, and that a balance with positive emotion-focused strategies is also beneficial.
- Evolutionary conditioning is complex, and while caring about others' opinions has been adaptive, some evolutionary psychologists might argue that self-interest and survival can sometimes outweigh communal opinions.
- Society's impact on connection and identity is multifaceted, and some sociologists might argue that modern society also offers new forms of community and identity through digital connections.
- The distinction between "Self-Thinking" and "Self-Attention" may not be as clear-cut, and cognitive psychologists might argue that both processes can be interrelated and both can be either adaptive or maladaptive.
- Observing thoughts without engagement is a central tenet of mindfulness, but some cognitive-behavioral approaches emphasize the importance of actively challenging and changing negative thought patterns.
- Meditation's effects on the default mode network are supported by research, but the implication that meditation is universally beneficial can be contested, as some individuals may experience adverse effects.
- The concept of a "true self-identity" separate from external labels is philosophically debated, with some arguing that identity is inherently social and constructed through interactions with others.
- The idea that external goals rarely offer lasting fulfillment can be cha ...
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Technology's Impact on Identity and Addictive Behaviors
As technology continues to infiltrate daily life, concerns arise regarding its impact on individual presence, emotional regulation, and the potential for addictive behaviors. Alok Kanojia and Jay Shetty delve into the ways tech overuse and distractions may impair our ability to engage fully with ourselves and our environment.
Tech Overuse and Distractions Impair Presence and Emotional Regulation
Smartphones, Social Media, and Screens Hinder Stillness and Connection
Kanojia warns against the constant use of phones and other digital distractions to escape negative emotions, advising that confronting feelings is key for emotional regulation. He also discusses a study that highlights a 65% increase in the risk of hemorrhoids due to prolonged sitting while using phones on the toilet, underscoring how smartphones can encroach upon moments of potential stillness and reflection. Shetty suggests that travel and unplugging from tech allow for deeper connections, experiences often disrupted by tech overuse.
"Tech Fuels Meaninglessness, Addiction, and Porn Use"
Alok Kanojia links men's inability to meet societal expectations to engaging in unhealthy behaviors, such as excessive technology use and pornography, to soothe their internal environment. He discusses the role of technology in training children to expect a device in response to tantrums and implies that rules for technology use should be introduced judiciously, to prevent reliance on gadgets as distraction implements.
Overcoming Addictions Like Pornography Requires a Multifaceted Approach
Kanojia sheds light on the consequences of pornography addiction, including the rise in erectile dysfunction among men under 30, largely due to physical sensations unique to pornography use that do not translate to sexual relationships.
Limit Access, Regulate Emotions, Find Purpose For Recovery
To overcome pornography addiction, Kanojia outlines a structural plan involving device restrictions and a limit on usage time. Emotional regulation through meditation, walks, and journaling, as well as finding meaning or purpose in life, are ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Technology's Impact on Identity and Addictive Behaviors
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Alok Kanojia and Jay Shetty are well-known figures in the field of personal development and mental health. They often discuss topics related to emotional well-being, mindfulness, and the impact of technology on human behavior. Kanojia focuses on addiction recovery and emotional regulation, while Shetty is known for his motivational and inspirational content, including programs aimed at helping individuals find purpose and direction in life. Both individuals use their platforms to educate and empower others to lead more fulfilling lives.
- Men's inability to meet societal expectations can lead to engaging in unhealthy behaviors as a coping mechanism. Societal pressures and norms can create stress and anxiety, pushing individuals to seek solace in activities like excessive technology use or pornography consumption. This behavior may stem from a desire to escape or numb feelings of inadequacy or failure in meeting perceived standards set by society. Engaging in these unhealthy behaviors can provide temporary relief but may lead to long-term negative consequences on mental health and well-being.
- The role of technology in training children to expect a device in response to tantrums is about how consistently giving children access to devices like smartphones or tablets when they throw tantrums can inadvertently reinforce this behavior. Children may learn that throwing a tantrum leads to getting a device as a distraction or reward, which can create a cycle of dependence on technology to manage emotions or boredom. This practice can impact children's emotional regulation skills and their ability to cope with difficult situations without relying on screens.
- Pornography addiction can lead to desensitization, where individuals may require more extreme or novel stimuli to achieve arousal. This can result in difficulties with sexual performance, including erectile dysfunction, especially among younger men. The constant exposure to unrealistic sexual scenarios in pornography can create a disparity between expectations and real-life experiences, impacting sexual function and satisfaction. Seeking help and implementing strategies to address pornography addiction can help individuals regain a healthier relationship with sexuality and improve sexual functioning.
- Keeping dream journals invo ...
Counterarguments
- While technology can contribute to distractions, it also offers tools for improving presence and emotional regulation, such as mindfulness apps and online therapy platforms.
- Smartphones and social media can facilitate stillness and connection when used mindfully, such as through guided meditation apps or connecting with distant loved ones.
- Technology can provide meaningful engagement and educational content, which can enrich users' lives and counteract feelings of meaninglessness.
- Some individuals may use technology and pornography without developing addictive behaviors, suggesting that addiction is not an inevitable consequence of technology use.
- A multifaceted approach to overcoming addiction might also need to consider the underlying psychological and social factors, not just the technology use itself.
- Limiting access to devices may not be practical or desirable in a digital age where technology is integral to work, education, and socialization.
- Emotional regulation can also be achieved through other forms of therapy and social support, not just meditation, journal ...
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